your hands in mine, explosion in the sky

yea, long title. teehee~

...and we laughed and cried and yawned and danced and sang. not because we felt these things, not at first, not because we were particularly happy or sad or tired or joyful, but only because on that night everything was so contagious. so catching. like red and blue germs transmitted but sticky fingers, body to body, mouth to mouth. but feelings are a parasite and we soon become all those things we werent before: joy, fatigue, sadness, happiness. every word was electricity sparking from tree to tree. glitter fell from our bodies when we moved, tickling our noses and making us sneeze. but it was only visible in moonlight, much like how the beams of afternoon sunlight shining through the kitchen windows would illuminate the swirling dust motes, floating in the air. our frantic hands fanned whirlwinds of glitter up toward the sky. it went slowly up and up until its velocity diminished and it rained back down on our heads, just to go through the same cycle once more.


these, and so much more. always.



ps: fantasy can be so uplifting sometimes : ) thought-provoking fantasies all the more...

honey stars*

people from the future, or right now;

just a little message for you, for i just wanna say what i had thought about real friendship :)

i wanna get to know both sides of you. yes, both, or all if you have more.

i dont want to meet a person knowing only their good side. i dont want to have to face that person one day when they unleash their other side. which is the bad side. i can take both sides just one at a time. dont hide your personality from me. i have more than one side of me too, you know. you are not alone. when you are sad, tell me you are sad. when you are happy, tell me you are happy. when you need a shoulder to cry on while venting, you better friggin' tell me. owh ya, dont kiss up either. that isnt good way to start a friendship. just you know, be real. (:



ps: ..and yea, darling you showed me the best of both worlds. i appreciate that. ( although sometimes i feel feel like screaming my lungs out at you! XD i love you still )

my nonsense*

if i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.
nothing would be what it is. because everything would be what it isnt.
and contrary wise, what is, it wouldnt be. and what wouldnt be, it would.
you see?

-- alice in wonderland

in need

...of therapy. for real.


i do not ever ever, i repeat, i do not ever, wanna be desperately wanting something. all my life i have a somewhat very realistic upbringing where at heart, i have always been a adapter (or whatever you call it in a more proper way, i cant think of any right now). i have mostly been able to walk around with my wounds safely hidden, and i have always stored up my deep depressive episodes for the times off when there was time to have an abbreviated version of a complete breakdown. but in the end, i would be able to get up and on with it, could always do what little must be done to scratch by. as i grow up, i feel like i am somehow losing grip instead of being more independent. i found out i can relief people out of their miseries or woes(sometimes) but i cant to myself. nowadays, i am transparent when it comes to being upset, or depressed even. i dont know. maybe it has been like that all along but i wouldnt have felt this bad last time. i cant even bother to hide them anymore. guess it is more unbearable now being an adult. pfft.

i always tell myself, you know, if you stay up late you are just going to make it harder for yourself.

maybe, but i like it that way. i like the numbness that comes with being exhausted. the oblivion,and the quiet chaos that exists only in my own head. all these, when nobody is there for me. everybody elses problems are suddenly the farthest from my own. because i have things to deal with too and if im tired, i have a qualified excuse to keep myself at home, to evade the constant problems that dont concern me anyway. sometimes i dont even need to try to block things out, the exhaustion does it for me, and i have probably began to like that. tears doesnt only clear vision, sometimes it does for the heart too to see clearly what is possibly missed when is blinded with gloom.

dodgeballs*

lately, no, always actually, i have been easily frustrated over things that doesnt go my way, or when things upsets me.

everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world. and that nobody loves them now. and that nobody will ever love them. and that they will never have a decent night's sleep ever again. and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve. but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. (maybe it is just me, pfft) well, i am having those nights now. more than before. there is much love in my life, i guess. but sometimes things just dont add up, and i feel so upset for no reason. reason being i just feel down for reasons that only my heart understands and my head cannot comprehend.

the best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that having another person awake will make the feeling more bearable.

i know, selfish right? when i was young, i would always run to my parents room when i am afraid or just freaked myself out of nothing. i might get scolding for being ridiculous sometimes, but i didnt care. but i figured im old enough to not bug them now. so at times like this now, normally i will just poke or nudge my sister. a sound, or a move from her relieves me a lot. when there is just nobody...


ps: i always wish you would know how i feel...

neurotic&happy

being misunderstood, is clearly not the best feeling in the world. dont you think?


owh, back in the old times i used to have so many different hairstyles and ways to do my hair.now it seems that i have none. it is either up or down. pfft. talk about being boring.





i used to love making my hair pretty. well, depends on how you view pretty, but i just wanted to try a lotta different ways to do it. some of the times it was a bit weird, but some of the times i think it makes me happy just to have accomplished a weird and hard-to-do hairdo. it made my day, back then.

lets go to the playground again one day. and try on all the swings and see-saws and all that. it has been a while since i have really had fun. and i dread to go another day being an adult. adulthood suck-big-time! maybe i'll just do a ponytail again tomorrow to work. i have done ballerina bun today. yesterday was freestyle-hair-down all the way with these loose curls. so yes, tomorrow a ponytail? hmm....

big hug!

this would be so much easier if i didnt love him, i wish there was a pill to make it go away. but why would i want to make it go away when it is hard enough to find in the first place? this sucks. big time!

im so angry im shaking. i cant do this anymore, i cant. pfft. hugs?

the best things

..you're all that i hoped id find in every single way
and everything i could give is everything you couldn't take
cause nothing feels like home,
you're a thousand miles away
and the hardest part of living
is just taking breaths to stay

-- mayday parade

i have to start finding the root of this problem i feel i have before i run out of things to have a decent conversation about. perhaps i am just frustrated with my career. perhaps i have come back to reality. perhaps, perhaps, it is just me...


the best things, of being me--i should find out, again.

random countdown for today

ten things i like.
my boyfriend, dance-y/catchy/meaningful music, sea breeze+waves breaking, sleeping, shopping, , inspiring art, novels, stories&fairytales, FnF

nine things i see right now.
computer screen, nine other thgs that reminds me of him (okay, bear with my pathetic obsession or whatever you may call this kay..)

eight things that always cheer me up.
a rockin' great day out, good friends, a good talk with someone, certain songs, comfy bed, hugs, smiles, reassurance

seven movies i love.
marley & me, pirates of the caribbean trilogy, the 10th kingdom, 500days of summer, old dogs, the sound of music, zombieland ( lol )

six ways to win my heart.
humorous, sensitive, adorable smile, sweet kisses, gives good hugs, cares about everything that i do or think--what i do or thinks matter to him

five biggest celebrity crushes.
john rzeznic, johnny depp, hayden christensen, keanu reeves,james marsden

four things i do before i sleep.
say good night to loved ones, go to the washroom, think about that day, pray for better day tomorrow

three books i love.
sophie's world, empress orchid, the five people you meet in heaven

two things i want to do before I die.
to be married, to live happy

one sight that makes me happy.
yiktian. smiling.

journey*

all the right times and all the right places, i have been getting very nice gestures and messages. very fond kindness and very sweet memories. but yet, where is all this heading to? do i get to choose which one to keep or which to remove? do i get to whine or do i get to sing--with joy?



these days are bright and light like spring should be, and then the rain comes gentle and calm, rolling clouds foreboding like the worries. i am still braiding into my hair. on the drive to work there was light strobing from between the trees like the world was flickering s.o.s. and yes, that is what my heart says...sometimes.

dirty.little.secret*

we are both fiction. you are too good to be true, and i dont exist for you. yea, well, this isnt a statement nor it is a conclusion. sometimes i am reminded that i would sorta kinda partially gotta surely entirely need to like to know what is this all about.





im lost. lost in dream and reality. which one do i belong in anyway?

n.a.t.o.?

"destiny is for losers. it is just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen."

-- Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester)

distance suck

DISTANCE FCUKING SUCK !








yea. it does.
big time.
(pardon my language. just an expression.)

thumb&pinky

im just so bored with seriousness. seriously.

im 22. i dont plan to grow up anytime soon.
(i wish to blissfully remain in my five-year-old self if i ever could.)

neither should you.
(okay, that is a bit too much. you can grow up all you want. i will remain in this immature state im in. for now. hmmph.)

sometimes life just needs that extra bit of laughter, and extra bit of naivety for us to see the bigger picture up ahead. dont you think? i havent had enough of the me now, yea, and maybe things are gonna be a lot more awesome in the future. let me have here&now for another minute, well, maybe then i will appreciate there&then more.

trouble with tuesday*

i think sometimes while im at work, my lingeries sneak out of the house to spend the afternoon at starbucks sipping on caramel latte. *just a random thought*


okay. goal for the day;

1. to not let other people's anxiety get the best of me
2. to think of better ways to block the view
3. to continue this positive flow of happiness
4. to survive till the end of this day, with little or no complain at all

yea, that is about it. hmm...

pathetic eyes*

comparisons are so yesterday! *something random from this pathetic mind of mine*


think about it. why would people still wanna compare like mad when everything and everybody now speaks about individualism and all that shit? we could as well use our productive minds to do plenty of other more productive things, right? well, unless what is being compared is truly out of this world weird-ness, then, it is understandable to be compared and judged or whatever it may be as long as it is not in the way of life itself. okay, another silly remark there.


being unique today is understated. trend is overrated. dont you think?

triumph®ret

these words could come in VERY broad context to everybody. it could vary from childhood stories up until that very thing that makes one sulk all the way till old age catches up. for me, i guess these two words form strings of stories in my lifetime that i could pretty much relate to things i have missed and not missed. either way, it stayed in the course of my life and have been destined to or not to be happening to me. therefore there is not much that i can do anyways. somehow, the mind plays a very sick game to us sometimes when it subtly remind us of unfortunate events and our very own gloom eras. *sigh*

my childhood is definitely a very big part of me that contributed to my happiness today. i would rather categorize it as a triumph for growing up happy (as there are actually many many people who has very bad childhood), apart from having my better-half with me today as another part of my life. of course, the list which i derived from my view on happiness must have also included my family and friends, acquaintances, events and etcetera etcetera of all of my years being me. as for regrets, there were times i feel i could lock myself underground or something, away from everything else forever. but pfftt...we all know that would never happen for me. for now, at least.

maybe i would touch on this topic again in later days. perhaps then i could have a better and more elaborate writing on things that have touched my heart on so many occasions that i have thought myself to be a lucky girl.



do you consider yourself happy, today?

what were or are your triumphs and regrets?

memories&nightmares

which is more prevalent in life, in general? hmm... what drives you to live and die happy?






maybe the notion of life itself scares me...

what are you afraid of?

thursday remedy*

the only thing that is keeping me awake at work is the sound of people talking. the point here is to feel 'alive' at work and the noise is kind of like an ongoing warning for me to keep working. but, here is the catch, working is for me to practically face the monitor in front of me and keep moving my mouse around. yea, like literally seeing through the monitor itself and keep myself busy. design? keyboard? drawings? yes, i might touch those later on. i guess the 'fire' of my passion flickers. like the flickers, it is on and off.

okay. i forgot where i got this. found it recently in my random pictures folder.
sorry to the original creator. i bear no rights to this image. heh.

at times i am honest, awkward and downright whimsical; and i still fidget unremittingly. fidget fidget. i would think to myself, that i have been working non-stop. but of course, these are all in my head. the truth is, nobody actually like being another piece of furniture anywhere.



ps: LOL well, hopefully my bosses doesnt read this, if they did, im sorry, but i tried to get past the boredom and complete my work all the time as best as i could =S

april*

what?!!
it is April already! owh.emm.gee

i didnt know i was actually intimidating. i really dont. people complain that i think too much, and radiates this kind of thinking aura or whatever it is when i just dont. i dont know what is wrong. was it really just me or people just have that kind of problem with me, whether it is a coincidence or not. for this, sometimes i feel like i am very misunderstood. what i want, and what i think, is actually very simple. but maybe it was me making it seem complicated all these while.

nine+ about ten

anyways, it has been three quarter to a year of this thing going on between us.yea, you and me. together. just gotta let you know that;

i do, cherish you.

for it was not into my ear that you whispered,

but into my heart.

it was not my lips that you kissed,

but my soul.

girls are jerks and boys are whores

We’re so inconsistent about what we let kill ya. “Smoking?
Must be eradicated. Marijuana?
Zero tolerance.”
But there’s lots of ways to kill yourself. You know what I think kills you?
Stress, and being a workaholic, and never getting laid, and, uh,
McDonalds, and staying mad at people, and lying for a living,
and three-martini lunches,
and the all-American breakfast,
and whatever the fuck Elvis was doing. That’s what kills you.
Bill Maher

well, all this while it is like i have signed into rehab. baby, you are like a disease that i never did know how to get rid of.

there is absofookinlutely*

more to life than just to live!
...even if it is entirely another thing

this is not my real reflection. i have changed so much since then most people barely recognizes me.

i need to remind myself
...to breathe .

i miss you .

bent for you
------------
i have waited for you and adjusted for you and im done.
i have deferred to you and enabled you and im done.

yuan dian*

GO AWAY !



untitled on Flickr by Jenasa



heartbreak*
... it is inevitable, i know.

and you cant fight the tears that arent coming, cuz everything is dried up when love is dead. i feel more distance with each passing day...

...and i dont want the world to see me,
cuz i dont think that they'd understand.
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am.

--John Rzeznic

6th April

things i love on a tuesday*. today, especially, is mommy's day. the very same person i have been seeing for my whole lifetime, and have been in contact with even before anything else at all other than the creator Himself.

♫♪♥♥[H][A][P][P][Y] [B][I][R][T][H][D][A][Y]♥♥♫♪
happy birthday to dearest mom almighty ;)
may you have happy days and awesome nights every single moment of your being.
may the sun shines bright, and the starry skies your lullabies.
all these, with all my love and best of wishes possible,
i love you mommy!

i could be who i am today, from her patient nurturing and painful tolerations. all that i am now, is from her heartbreaks, sweat, and blood. no words could possibly describe a mother's love. and i guess this applies to all mothers too, but as for today, the queen of my heart for always my mommy rocks the mommy's world ;)




ps: happy birthday to all other April babies too! cheers*

work day #1

optimism isnt enough. not when it comes to work. i repeatedly feed myself with optimism, that it will grow on me, that it will be good, but it does not work. for me, only, maybe.



i will try to prevent times when my thoughts and my space are disorganized, or i become overworked and tired. i should stop procrastinating and start working on making the better out of myself.


hmm, i will probably try chanting these or more some time soon.

some because*

because i like this feeling. because the sweetness in your voice makes my skin bump. because i fancy casual conversation and you always understood my desire to be alone with you. because i understand your body. because i trust your instincts. because you call at all the right times. because you just needed to talk to me before anything. because you inspire me. because you say the most ordinary things. because you introduced me to all of your family on our second date XD. because you were fearless about getting into the water, and fearless in about literally anything at all. because you made me wear your ugly sweater even though i wasnt cold. because they said it would never work, and it didn't. but we wanted it to. because you sucked on my fingers. because you taught me a lot of how to. because i love hands that are bigger than mine. because we both drive each other crazy. because you are the most thoughtful person i have ever met and it never feels forced or fake. because you cant wait to hear what i think all the time. because you made me maggi mee and it is the best maggi in the whole wide world. because the world seem square when im with you. because we sat on the sand at the beach and you convinced me that you would be the one to fix my life. because your smell makes me insane. because you whisper the softest things in my ear when i was insecure. because you always surprise me. because you would never quit laughing. because you held my hand the entire drive home from work. because i have no choice better than you. because just the thought of you makes me smile and giggle. because i wrote, life was never as good without you. because you were brilliant and awesome and you still chose me. because of so many other things that only we know and shares.


because you are the only one.




ps: truth#1- that sweater wasnt ugly at all.

pps: truth#2- i dislike maggi. but your maggi is still the best :P

ppps: truth#3- i love you!

fate*

it wasnt without sadness or lament, but i know that hippie bullshit wasnt really my kind of deal. the thought of having hot and cold temperamental people in my life is making me worry that my senses arent cleansed&sharpened as often as it should be. somehow i thought it was funny when people would mistake me for being the kind of thoughtful and start up a conversation that leads to a lifetime of friendship. well, it wasnt so much of a mistake always though ;) this kind of coincidence is fate?


i had a killer headache the last two days, and i suspect my decision to skip out on my usual chattery fix was to blame. i became quiet and reserved and just plain lifeless by a forced choice, and it has taken its toll on me already. i guess i really couldnt live with silence. for me, everybody(with exception to maybe perverts and crazy people), even those i meet on the streets should deserve a smile, or even a nice greeting of some sort. the world is too cold without warmth like that nowadays. well, i wont say it is right to just go up to anyone and just talk like nobody's business, but depending on suitable situation a little kindness wouldnt hurt and might go a long long way...


it happens that some of the most unusual and influential people in our life could be from a very humble and unexpected start. it happened to me. what about you?

we*

an anonymous excerpt found long ago on Google that got me thinking.

this could apply to anyone of us, guy or girl. it is true that most of the time opportunity wont wait. it cannot be denied that each of us have different ways of conveying message and thoughts, but the only way is to tell, NOT keep.

everybody has a secret world inside of them.
all the people in the world, i mean everybody.
no mtter how dull and boring they are on the outside,
inside them they have gall got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds.
not just one world. hundreds of them. thousands, maybe.
neil gailman.

connection*

for all the unworthy existence, and what is worth. people always always always say that whatever that happens, happen for a reason. but what if what happens is man-made? does it fall into the same quote about having a reason? i would rather believe otherwise, if the results or consequence of things is either made with conscience or is knowingly shown in every way possible. the quote doesnt apply, if things does not happen unexpectedly.


i read this somewhere and i thought how sometimes people do think alike, and how much parting from our dear ones hurt us emotionally deep inside. if you have felt that way, or anything similar and if it is driving you insane, then you have been in love, like i am. like i do. and still am.

...by day or night,
in weal or woe,
the heart, no longer free,
must bear the love it cannot show,
and silent ache for thee.

--George Gordon

what if everything is made up? i have a lot of what ifs that needs to be answered. time will tell, maybe. but time doesnt heal everything. time just make things fade and turn things sour, if not bitter in the end. depending on time does not give me security, or even a simple answer.


time kills, not heal. agree? i bet you dont. but i do. sigh

to do

tell me what do you do when you get to a dead end in a situation and everybody else just freezes and plays silent treatment? i react the worst when being ignored, and i find that i couldnt function so well under pressure of being yelled at or in similar situations. maybe then i should just get used to being quiet, and not be so talkative to certain people from now on. or maybe i should just continue talking to myself (yes, i do. pfft).


so, yea, what would you do?

tea&coffee

i throw myself wholly into everything i do and hope i dont hit the ground too hard if I fall.

i need a time out. maybe more breaks for tea&coffee. then maybe i would realize what are my actual priorities. what i want, and what i need is so different, and so hard to get. are you for real? are those said meant to be said? or is it all just part of my delusion?

this love*

...is . fragile. vulnerable . free .



this doodle says it all. literally.



lost and insecure,
you found me, you found me...



now, after all,
...where were you, where were you.





...maybe i will just keep you to myself.

wrath*

... of a shopaholic.

temptations
---------------
no.

you dont even deserve to be smiled at.

so, bug off!

i am so gonna wear invisible-eye-protector-kit every time i go out now. until i pass the urge of impulse shopping!

calling all angels*

sometimes, discretion is
really a luxury i would say.
you would want things to be discreet,
but you wont always get discretion.

on being laine*

a random doodle.

i am enjoying my old self again. in fact, i miss her dearly. i wish i had the same amount of guts i once had.

nothing.too.complicated.

I JUST NEED A CLEAR MIND, NOW !
...and not just anybody's judgments.

stupefied*

sometimes i just felt so unaware of how things happen so fast. have you ever felt time passes by like you never know it passed going on with whatever you are doing that doesnt amuse you in anyway or anyhow? i do, and it sucks the life out of me like nothing could. (if i even know what that means)



sometimes an uneventful day could prove to be such a hazard and would really make a person lifeless. in my case, i have too much energy and enthusiasm but have nothing much to release them on. talk about being not resourceful enough, i did a lot of little little thing that you wouldnt imagine how much i stuffed myself doing so many little things in a day. sometimes i ask myself where do i find so much drive to go with so little time and place. pfft. fml...sometimes.

anonymity*

being anonymous isnt all that cool. stick out your tongue, or piss a someone once in a while. being off from normal sometimes is the norm itself. why duck and hide when you have got things to say? i doubt the message is actually sent across as well as conveying them straight to the point, right? and why the hassle of having to bury chests of secrets or conceal things when it is all the same being known or unknown. it is just the matter of the people knowing it, whether it is worth it being all that secretive or shy. i think it is shallow...

untitled*

i fall in lust easily. i like to think of it as mature infatuation. and when i do fall in love, i usually fall hard. i am always afraid, that there is nothing, or noone, will be there to break my fall. thus, the penchant for the former state of delusion, for it is a lot easier to get back up when its just out of bed...

maybe i am just not ready for happiness like it isnt ready for me. when i am happy, i would think that i could hold on to that piece of happiness for-ever. but of course that doesnt happen like what i believe it would be. stubbornness doesnt glue things together. anything. i like things that i love to be long-lasting, and goes on and on and on and on and on! empty promises, broken words, separate ways, repetitive changes does not appeal to me- - at all !

i begin to think that i live a cursed life. pfft.

charmed maybe, according to what i see right now. life is, already.

ness-day

everyone is saying different things to me, different things to me.
everyone is saying different things to me, different things to me.

do you believe in what you see?
there does not seem to be anybody else who agrees with me...

dark.brown.eyes.

people worry.
what are they worrying about today?
seems like there is a good reason to worry worry worry...

i have got a lot going on in my head lately(always actually). too many things to think about.


you?

alice*

alice in wonderland tattoo on flickr by the tattoo studio

awesome! need i say more?! favorite childhood story of all time!


ps: this lucky dude! pfft!

which one?

taken from wordboner.com

there is only a fine line between love and lust. which one do you give and receive? i think these two co-exist. without love, or lust, doesnt really make up a relationship. correct me if im wrong, but aint it that way most of the time?

fairytale?

excerpt taken from online synopsis:

this is a story of boy meets girl. the boy, tom hansen of margate, new jersey, grew up believing that he would never truly be happy until the day he met the one. this belief stemmed from early exposure to sad british pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie ‘the graduate’. the girl, summer finn of shinnecock, michigan, did not share this belief. since the disintegration of her parents' marriage she had only loved two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. tom meets summer on january 8th. he knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. this is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.


(500) days of summer; one of my favorite movies.

screen shots collage from my own collection. i forgot where i got this from. XD

this movie makes me ponder a little bit. it is quite a clever way of indirectly telling all of us that things might not be what we think it would be even if it seemed right to us. sometimes fate plays a big prank, or rather we should probably believe in destiny(as cliche as it could be) itself. in fact, everybody who happened to be in our lifetime(or not) plays a role whether we acknowledge it or not. a book, 'the five people you meet in heaven' by mitch albom, is a very enlightening story, to me. it touches me in a way that i couldnt have realized that all these while i might have just pass through people without realizing that the person would have been a crucial part of my life the very next second.

love isnt perfect. it isnt a fairytale or a storybook and it doesnt always come easily. love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. it is a short word, easy to spell difficult to define and impossible to live without.



cherish, treasure,love...

Sunday already!

my little black and white note says it all huh...

have a great Sunday people. i have already started getting my hate-Mondays-discomfort. if there is such thing...

favorite*

what is your favorite?

if you dont know, does it mean you are weak minded and uncultured, without a large base to choose from, or too shallowly immersed in whatever you do know to understand it deep enough to call it a favorite? or does it make you a generally more patient and accepting person, who loves everything and cant choose just one?

that phase*

i have often wanted to travel the world forever, constant movement, constantly changing, evolving, no name, no identity, nothing to hold me down and nothing to lose.

has anyone been down that road?

flying out of his memory on Flickr by Derhamiya

how does it feel to be on your own, with no direction home. like a complete unknown


like a rolling stone?

kinky miniskirt&highheels

i bet this blogpost's title got a lot of people eyh? *grins*



girls need attention and boys need us. heh. i wonder how true is that phrase, even. where i come from there are qualities and standards to which a lady is judged upon. well, am not gonna talk about being a girl and all that stuff. it wasnt intended for this post actually.

i am in denial, still. really need to come back to myself, stop living this aint-going-anywhere kinda life that i have put myself into because of the sudden lack of interest in almost everything. rest assured though, it was only temporary. what i have been reminding myself all the times is that i aint got all my life to sulk about stupid things. i should just let go of the bads, and get it on with the full-of-zest-me.

have you ever think, like really really think about what to do with your life? this one precious life. have you ever question about everything that happens and all you get are even more questions and nothing that actually answers those you first asked? have you ever thought of what to wear today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, aaaand the other tomorrows all at the same time? i have. ridiculous. i have obviously strained my mind to think about too many unnecessary things up to these.




...and i think about kinks, that is to happen as well! ; )

change*

...is inevitable.

but is it even worth it?

i easily attached to something or rather someone and would rather make peace with whatever i could have. but more often than not i still think of change. is that even normal?

cheesy topic*

love does not begin or end the way we seem to think it does. love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing-up. james baldwin.

l.o.v.e.-- for me,

oh hai, love on Flickr by Kristin Manson

is not just having someone to say 'i love you' to. it is the state of having each other to go to in times of happiness or grieve, and to be with through significant times and through nothingness as well. it is not the absence of support and companionship at any time whether near or far. also not the presence of discomfort, guilt or dilemma with or without each other...

moonshine*

you would never know what is on my mind. you dont know where i have been. you have no idea what i have been through and what i have seen.

All these emptiness on Flickr by Franca Alejandra

hope is such wicked-wicked (insert swear word). it could never succumb to being loyal, nor could be fully trusted. i have seen my share. but i might still go on believing. i just might...

the thursday post

i am into instant gratification, laughter, fun, comfortable companion&place, lots of love, and security. how about you?

doodle courtesy of my google search (i'd keep in mind to properly quote where i stole images next time.)

black&white rainbow

appease me,
for i may be burning into ashes the very next second. and you will never ever see me ever ever again. yes, i might. but maybe you dont even care. something tells me it is just crude to have intention, or even thoughts like that. but i neither win nor lose. so why not?

sex-drug-and-rock&roll

how loud, is too loud? my tolerance is epic, i will show you sometime. in my head there is always hardcore-metal-rock-techno-all-genres-voices telling me what to do and which way to go. maybe i could enroll in a mental music school. they have mental arithmetic right? i reckon mental music could be cool...

"some women chose to follow men
and some women chose to
follow their dreams.
if you are wondering
which way to go,
remember that your career
will never wake up one day
and tell you it doesnt love you anymore."

lady gaga

i have non-existent memory of anonymous advises, words of wisdom, chill pills, toxic thoughts, ill messages, healing mantras of the past. maybe it is stored somewhere in this hay-wired mind of mine. maybe, i could still dig it up for use someday. that will be great. of course. dont you think?

ten

...things i thought of right now. random ones not orderly placed.


1. i like seeing men with crisp shirt. my guy, especially. i like, them to be either very polished(like corporate-ly formal) or very relaxed and adorably comfy(like stubble-and-all-that)

2. i adore my grandma. she is the wittiest person i know. just adorable.

3. i have a thing for vintage typewriters. i love listening to it click&clack. maybe i will get one, in the future, in my own house. just for kicks. if they are still available. but for now i would just settle seeing and listening to it at the office(yes, they have one here in my office)

4. talking to myself, or rather talking to my dogs. it has been a habit since i-dont-know-when that i talk to them about everything under the sun for no reason. i love the fact that i can talk on for hours on ends and they would still remain faithful listener and still cuddly. (maybe it is just me, they might have already gone bonkers and i wouldnt even know it)

5. doing ten things at a time. it is exhilarating. yeaps. and it is called multi-tasking.

6. i dig the smell of petrol. yes, petrol at the gas station.

7. i fancy dinner parties, dances and proms. breakfast by the beach is a ball to me ;)

8. my other-half. yiktian.

9. joyrides. road trips. even just moving around would make me high.

10. being in an open meadow, or majestic building. awesomeness.




just this, for now...

coffeelocks*

i-need-my-coffee-fix-again. it has been a while since i last had my sips of coffee brews. i didnt know why, i just happen to stop my every-morning-ritual of coffee just like that. no cravings, nothing.


now, it is back.




i had better start making coffee. every.four.hours.

cloud-like promises*

...as the title suggested, there are things said that are not materialized. maybe it wont ever be. unlike how pinky promises work when i was young(still practices this 'ritual' with the beloved), adult promises are far from being true most of the times.


bring me to a place with no boundaries, a place where no one i have to oblige to suppress my pursuit of happiness. i hate myself for being this weak in defying you. i want to be myself again, that is all i ask of you. but yet again, you are the reason i fight for the future, the reason i continue breathing, the reason i learn to love again.




you*

march-ing thru*

miserable;

i dont remember when was the last time i felt so torn between decisions. yeah, i may be a fickle minded person at times but let me tell you, i have never been so bothered my whole life. what would you do? would you even consider yourself hopping into an airplane half a world away for six months(or more) and leave everything behind knowing that things will never be the same again? or would you just stay where you are and submerge yourself with great moments shared with loved ones?

busy;
i miss how it feels like when you make silly faces to steal a smile from me. i miss those times when i catch you glancing over at me. i miss how it feels when your hand approaches mine and claim it as yours. i miss listening to your heart speak. literally. i miss how warm it is to be in your arms. i miss your gentle whisper on my ear.

all these. even when it was just seconds ago. we could go on forever and ever and ever and ever...

in pain;
the best kind of love is when you have no expectations at all. nuf said.


disappointment ;
an aspiring woman-to-be who loves the idea of living on a jetplane and on-the-go every moment, but is settled for now just hanging out with friends and family and the *occasional* derailment from the made-up-path. would love to watch people, or rather, people watching me, but yea, i am still stuck up here clicking on the mouse and typing my way into cyberworld instead. i dream up the music of my life and amuses myself with making up stories to lull me to sleep every night. pathetic? not yet. content? not really. but pleased. yea, i guess. for not getting into trouble, yet.

letting go;

all these...
am.trying.to.

will.be.fine.


...not.

fever.blocked nose.delusions.

I HATE BEING ILL.
...and no it isnt H1N1. no.

pfft.

5ive kinda colors

for me,

...every morning there is an imaginary halo hanging from the corner of my messy-out-of-bed-hair.and every day i have this weird voice in my head telling me things and thoughts of having to fend of possible attacks to my vulnerable neck, tummy, or eyes from dont-know-who. every other hour i fear for those whom i care about, thinking every minute will they be run over by a vehicle, slashed by a robber-wannabe, or just got lost in this crazy world. maybe, maybe it is just me, thinking too much.


but my world has five different colors. i do not know a million more. my only colors are happiness, sadness, ecstasy, anger, and fear. basic ones i know. and fear always seem to get the better of me. at (a lot of) times when there is no fear in me, i get restricted to do things that i have been wanting to do. this suck big time, and i ended up in anger and sadness; which eventually brings me back to the initial fear. happiness and ecstasy rarely happen, unless the other three are not present. well, that is normally when i get temporary amnesia or something. and no, i did not exaggerate.


every morning, i still shrug at the very reality that i am not the same me that i was yesterday. i am still not convinced that everybody is genuine. this is a sad sad case, i think that there are less things to believe in now. what else is convincing when even people you see everyday is not all that real now, sometimes. come the day when i blog about faith in things, people again, that is the day i am truly happy with what is around me. most probably. by then...

billie & rose

albeit all the drama, malice, heartbreak, solitude, broken relationships, feelings of perplexity, loss and deep sorrow, a great deal of valuable lessons have surfaced from all these.

at times, independence and a hardened heart can be of great importance to build up courage and strength to face the many obstacles and hardships of life. i told you i will find that silver lining of every dark cloud.

i have my means of dealing with a world’s worth of expectations, conflicts and limitations. it means accepting a frustratingly imperfect role in a frustratingly imperfect discussion.(no, the names on this blog post's title does not bear any significance to me nor this post if you are wondering)

i think surprises could enhance one's ability to take charge and also to trigger feel-good emotions that leaves us either pleased or annoyed. perhaps most importantly, it means allowing space for rightful, understandable (and possibly even productive) anger to take place. depending on the situation, sometimes a tiniest thing could bring about a great impact on us.

lost in translation

sometime ago, i gave up on perfectionism(i doubt it is really a virgo thing though) and sort-of-fully-embraced going-with-the-flow (used to dislike that non-committal phrase so much). i must say that the stress level doesnt decrease with this new philosophy. the ever constant stress of making sure you didnt forget anything with your lists is replaced by the ever constant stress of wondering if you already have forgotten something. i am the ultimate scatter brain.

i am quite envious of people who arent held back by their past. people who pick up and move on and look forward to the future. i hate that im always reminiscing and longing for the comfort of things i have preserved in my memory. how does one change something so ingrained in their personality?


no, it is not the circumstances and what not, but the comfort in not growing up. i guess it is time to really look out for myself now...and not letting my inner more-timid-me take over all over again..

should be*

i may not always act like a lady, but i do always want to be treated like one. i expect nothing less than what i deserve and nothing more than what i can offer in return.

i wrote a post, and i deleted it. after reading it again, i realize that i need that part of me to remain a secret. i value that, that of what i am able to retain certain things about my life from the people around me. i am to be the person i aspire to be, one way or another, my way, by hoooook or by crooook. and i kinda need one hell of a big plan now, before it all become another episode of my dream. yes, all those vague images of what is to be needed to be made into my future by properly laying out a plan. simple, but so not!



cheers for something bigggg and good! : )

i am sated

this Chinese New Year,
i have discovered that im not born to gamble (i have the luck and the risk-taking part, but still think it is not for me)...or talk too loud.

this year,
i have learnt that family comes first. (well, not that i never knew, but more than before)

this month,
i have learnt that i shouldnt let anyone else judge how i should live my life. i dont need permission or approval of people other than my loved ones who are automatically authorized to do so.

this day,
i cant wait for the rain to fall and flowers to bloom. i sound so emo, but for the rain, yes, i still want it so bad. get me a weatherman from above, i would make the world a pretty, pretty sight! hee~

so, yea,
i am still constantly seeking for new things to do. my to-do list is ever-expanding but it has always been lacking a few ticks. there is just this void inside of me that needed to be filled. i still cant tell whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. frankly, i am tired of trying to dig deeper and understand what it really is.


maybe i just need another huge transformation (if i ever had one.hmm...another?) or maybe yet another absurd game of the mind. GAHhH~





dear diary,

i am done yearning. i have wasted so much energy, effort, tears and years doing so.

yours truly.

take 5ive*

...a heist of what is within takes forever to heal, if ever, completely.

a second take on feelings is unacceptable.

more than that, it is murder already!

well, at least that is really what i think...

polka-dots

...i really dont know what i want at this point of my life. well, not really like no idea at all, but i just have this very very vague images and things all over my heart and mind that i dont know which one to want and need anymore. there is really such thing as unsettled decisions. i would have loved to think that i dont have that problem, but that would mean literally lying to myself and making things go by without even blinking an eye. *crap*


there are too many hopes and dreams, wants and greed that i possess and am unable to fathom up until now. maybe some is realized materially, today, but the others still remained unknown.



i need enlightenment. i need clarity. i need to breathe. we all need to!


dot.

eye of the beholder*

beauty governs all:- le corbusier




do i really have that much of a luck of having to myself my own perfect happily ever after? i wish. i believe everybody does too.

...but i still doubt it, somehow. i regret doubting it, why, i still couldnt understand.

it is scary when you see how things happen around you, whether they revolve around you or not. things like that happen, then it makes you wonder what is gonna happen in your own story of a life. people tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. if it is true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

bloody good

note to self: never to be too personal with everybody!

i am, still, a walking calamity. trouble has always been a faithful companion to me. i always say i would take life as it comes, but when it came as it is, i grew timid. i would do everything to duck and hide. one courageous thing i would do for life, for all it takes, i would give my best and go for it like nobody's business. risk taker? not really. stupid? maybe.

on being away...

everyone has their own little story to tell and i guess i have too. maybe a little too many to have, for someone like me. plain, and all...

i have, sometimes think how things would be like if i am not living the way i am right now. like, how will i be living away from all these things im familiar with all these while. what if all these are gonna change for me? will i still be the same me?

many times i have questioned the existence of change, but through these sense and sensibility of mine *clears throat* i figured i am changing every second, me but with a twist. the littlest changes means so much now that they are realized. without realization, any big or small changes would not even bear significance to me, or you, for this matter. everyone need changes. you should seek for it, for the better-not for the worse.

being away taught me a lot, and i am still learning right now. being away, becomes a catalyst for me to embrace my true self and makes me see a lot more.


i hope changes bring you good things too...