brief & debrief

the year is 2014, and i have grown up. life on the fast tracks - if i could call it that. 

not the exact way i would love to sum up my life in the year but reality isn't kind, most of the times. i could most certainly say that it is a very eye&heart opening year for me, though, that it has been almost painful to live it first hand. at my age, people have all that drama jet-setting here&there with all the worries about which designer to wear or purchase, with some already started a family or even a brood of minis with big dreams, and some others cooking up a storm on juicy rumours in all kinds of businesses linking directly or indirectly to the big letter M. Money...all these while i deal with my shits that comes from all kinds of people&things, of all shapes&sizes. some may be made up in my head while making up for all those mistakes and others that is brewing up from all the already existing mess. sounds oh-so-complicated but reading should be a belief that it all happened to be able to be developed into some sort of sentence here, right?

under unforeseen circumstances i am dating someone very different than that i am, but in a very good way. there must be a certain category that he falls into although he is somewhat a lot more different than my last. he clearly knows what he is doing and pulls me along with him doing all the right things that i might or might not know that i should be doing like thinking necessarily. i discover more and more each day and at one point i know i could go far with this person in my life. i definitely cannot predict the future, but i shall update again if there is anything that is worth announcing.

#livewhoyouare i shall make this my life purpose, if i haven't already been doing that all the time.

i came into realisation that i have always thought that things should be simple and easy to understand but then i am the one who always complicate things for myself. there should not be double standards to what i think is right&wrong while other people's right&wrong must be the same as mine. after my resignation from my day job, i have made it a point that i need to clear off all the mess i have made and accumulated from the past. starting off by material junk and simultaneously emotional messes that i have kept to myself that also worries my loved ones and people who cares if i am actually okay being myself, doing what i do or did.

i may be constantly making the same mistake because i did not see the obvious, but i do try to improvise. slowly yet surely, i know i would get there. safe and in my kind of happy.

maybe, and just saying maybe the silver lining of all these comes in a different shade and i just haven't seen it as clearly yet.

but...

all that confusions aside, i have some really exciting plans lined up for 2014/2015 and as far as i see there is only happy images and so much hoping that i could cross some from my bucket list. fingers crossed, let's go! from my random resignation to deciding plans to take on, i would say that i have no regrets. i know, that i want to do this!

first stop, New York City - the Big Apple, city that never sleeps. all set - November!

do what makes you happy

...that was what both my father and my beloved Uncle Andrew told me to do -- always.

don't worry about everything, just do what makes you happy. they would say, and always asking me if i'm happy with work or if anyone was mean to me and all that extra care that i know went extra mile without me knowing to make sure that i wasn't harmed outside. i knew, both big guys pulled a string or two but i'd still got myself into trouble unnoticed. typical. 

yesterday at the funeral i thought my heart would fall out from the heartache and all the crying. probably not even realising what his death could bring me so much sadness. i thought i could hold up better after what we recently been through but i started bawling barely halfway into the memorial mass and not even into the funeral procession. it was heartbreaking, and nothing will ever prepare a person for anybody's funeral at all. nothing. 

i am truly blessed to have a very loving father, to the point of no returns, and also an uncle who practically loved me from the moment i'm conceived up my very being...a little girl to them no matter how old i get.

i am every bit as lucky a woman who could have a loving and ridiculously awesome man as the father to her children, just like these two god-sent men to me. amen.

with utmost respect and forever love, goodbye.

too much for close comfort

they say great men die early. i'm guessing they are being correct at that. both my grandfathers, and my father passed on rather early in their lives. my father being the youngest and most recent to leave in that bunch of loved ones. 

now the thing about talking about death isn't as smooth as announcing a beautiful birth, no matter how peacefully one died. and apparently knowing that he has been ill for some time does not prepare you better to accept his death either.  that, i know, learning about the passing of a deeply loved uncle and father figure just today.

these messed up feelings inside, it doent help that i was still getting texts from him the previous weeks and i have just recently visited him at home personally. accepting that he is gone for good is the kind of awful truth that is not just a goodbye from the gates when he leaves the house from his almost nightly coffee stays with the folks, or when he leaves for long vacations and will be back to talk about it bearing gifts. it is the same feeling of disbelief, still having a bit of hope that he would come over again to the house calling me to open the gates for him just like expecting my father to come home one day from his work-related outstations -- after my father passed. that feeling, like it is a big joke that both my real life supermen are gone. that sort of crazy, is crazy.

i miss you, Papa. 

Uncle Andrew, you have been like another father for me for ever. i have never thought of a day you will be gone, just like Papa. ever!

please rest in peace. i love you both so much it hurts. 

black, white, also the grey.

i am not where i need to be, but thank God i am not where i used to be. 

with this statement, i admit i really miss how things used to be. but i can also admit now, that i have accepted the fact that things have changed and this is where things are going to proceed from. and this;

you will find that it is necessary to let things go, simply for the reason that they are heavy.

i find relief, knowing that i need not have a great big reason to let go of something that is giving me unseen burden. letting go, does not directly mean giving up. it is merely a unloading built up pressure that is dragging me from better times.

i spent a good portion of my break from work recently on drama series and apart from the entertainment, i sometimes grit my teeth imagining at myself facing similar situations one moment in time like in those scenes. normally in separate scenes and often several different characters and stories, looking at things from a third person's view is almost gratifying, knowing certain doubts in this mind for much less time i spend thinking to myself.

it is one of those things that people say, you cannot move on until you let go of the past. letting go is the easy part, it is the moving on that is painful. so sometimes we fight it, trying to keep things the same. as for me, i replay a lot of the good or sometimes even bad scenes in my head over and over. things cannot stay the same, though. at some point you just have to move on, because no matter how painful it is - it is the only way we grow.

these feelings, sometimes.

i dont have a favorite day. i have a favorite feeling. it is a quiet day, with cool breeze and bare feet. it is when i can walk straight outside without pausing to check whether i have money in my pocket. it is curtains dancing around in my cosy room because of the freshly cut grass scented air pushing against its fabric. the sound of waves at the beach, long strolls with the beach hair effect. mmm...

windows down under pockets of shade during road trips, and occasionally the drops of rain against the window along the way.

there is no favorite season or time of day, whatsoever. i have a favorite feeling, sometimes.

good riddance

sometimes you have to get rid of all the bullshit in your life and just focus on the things that make you a better person instead. but what normally happens in a day when you have nothing particular in mind? for me, wanting errands i run to go smoothly and possibly with something better to come up in mind. i would not want to spend time dwelling in negativity but it is inevitable when these tend to turn up in between good times and as much as i do not want them to - they ruin some of better parts of the day. 

for me, i tend to lose focus when sudden change of plan or situation also affect my mood and demeanor. i just want to tell you, that at some point it does not matter who was right and who was wrong at some point, being angry is just like another bad habit, like smoking, and you keep poisoning yourself without even thinking about it.

yes, sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream noone could see but you. but because you are the only one seeing the ideal side of things, everything seems to conspire against you. and that, that is the hard part. not the getting the dream realized that is hard.

an honest realization

the sun will rise and set, and time will pass and never come back. faces will change and outgrow age, as people mature or deteriorate slowly. 

in recent years, i have lost more loved ones than i can learn to accept. all my life i have been living a happy childhood, teenage dreams and come adulthood - i thought i have had happy times most of my life surrounded by healthy and happy people. death does not come knocking, i figured. they shock the hell out of life and trust me, the deceased might be better off than the still living left behind.

maybe all these while i have been oblivious to the fact that people suffers every single day around me and i happen to be in that suffering ring. i might not have done much but i have been very careful to not be mean to anybody i encounter unless they are bullies or are bad people. who am i to judge, really, but i do appreciate people who could stand up to injustice. but that is beside the main point. oops.

what im trying to say here is that it is a totally different feeling and situation when the unwell or dying person/s are actually related to you or is especially close to you. whatever that is killing them is also indirectly killing you emotionally and physically. seeing them frail and in pitiful state, you might as well bid them goodbye as saying it is going to be alright sounds more like a lie to yourself than to them. i do believe in miracle and i do believe that positivity and emotional support gives strength in whatever ordeal, but somehow seeing your loved ones suffer so much in order to stay for a couple more years is torturing to them as it does to you. just my two cents.

do rest in peace, papa. if im given a chance to wish for something i would definitely still wish you back, but i understand now that you are in a better place. just the thought of your demise as being quick and almost painless, i am glad. i am glad, not because you left us without a proper goodbye. i am glad, because you went without losing weight, or missing limbs/organs. you went, because God loves you more than i do. finally your demise gives the sentence a meaning i never could have understand before.

re-cap

so right now am on a long break, literally, trying to figure out all the time i have having quit my day-job and looking at the world from my bed at twelve o'clock at noon time. opening up old emails, blogs and other social media tool that i havent been paying much attention to when i am working and on the move, i found so much to read and to catch up on that is actually beautiful - more beautiful than the news that we all currently have on our screens and reality.

there is so much disappointment and sadness in life nowadays, but i find my fair share of happiness and encouragement in a man that pulls everything back together when i feel like my world is falling apart. he does not have a doctorate degree, but he feeds me with so much wisdom that i took so much less time banging walls to figure them out myself. now to set things straight, he could be more than i bargained for but i am going to stay and see if this ride would take me further than i have in mind.

until i get a clear picture on how to summarize the past year in my posts, i shall go to bed every night with a dream and then wake up with purpose.

yes, shall do that.