what is it?

trapped in the past that i cant seem to move on. the same things keep happening to me. those that are not wanted. those that keeps me tearing. those that wakes me up in the middle of the night. those that i never can get rid off my chest. those. ugly. issues.

his subtleties, they strangle me. up to a point i cant seem to see clearly what is ahead of me. i had to look back, then discover the very same things that i had let go before. so what is it that i had been holding on to all these while?



what is it?

pocket full of sunshine*

maybe fate likes to play with feelings and timing and our thoughts. it is weird how things turned out. but yea, we are what we are. and there has got to be a reason why it is like what it is now...

i dont believe in believing people anymore. this is not merely a statement, it will accompany my long walk of life, up until something or maaaaaybe someone shows me what true belief is.

believing is not only a state of mind. believing, to me, involves the whole lot;

body, mind, soul.

all in one package. so if either one of those doesnt agree on believing, then screw whatever it is. here you got a non-believer!

words

i have something to reveal. i think i said this before, but...

i heart non-capital letters :)

i just do. i have no reason nor argument for that.

today, i noticed that the word big is smaller than the word small.

...and even the timid-est people cheat, like the idiotic driver i saw this morning! drives me up the wall with the thought of that person cheating. i do believe in karma though. shit happens. things happened to me, it will happen to others too.

okay, back to words.  next, being unlucky isnt a born-with-disease. but truly i think it is contagious! prove me wrong, but it is like a flu; usually it gets off you only when the next person catches it.


wish you all good-day, today, tomorrow, and the day after.


maybe goodness is just not for me. today.

common grounds

we all have one.

we all hold one, in our mind. or for some, in the heart, they bear a common agreement to everything on earth. all of us, has a reason for living. everybody needs something to hold on to. i just happen to have and need more. is that a crime? 

tell me...

what do you hold on to?
what should i hold on to?

girl, derailed*

i begin to doubt my judgments. it all ends in tear, and not so often happy smiles. i think i have commitment issues as well. i seem to lose my concentration in a millisecond. with a leap of faith, maybe, just so you know- i might finish something with persistence till the end. yes, that i admit, but mind you! i am serious with whatever i do. i just, loose the zest very fast especially when something annoys the hell out of me. then, the end.

what am i to do? cling on to dear life and work my ass off trying to get something i dislike done? i wouldnt, and couldnt, even if it would do so much as to save my life.

all the while, living under micro scrutiny is blood-suckingly tedious. macro scrutiny however, grant the scrutinized person much freedom to express and be understood. most of the time we take things simply by the surface knowledge. i, too, am most definitely included. but i try to see past that, and slowly let go of my own ego. then i see things better, and not put too much pressure on everything and myself. but seriously, still if things werent as good, better leave than be sorry for yourself in later days yah?

what is your story?

those who knows me well must have realized that i can be spectacularly moody and may lash out with a sharp tongue if an affront be perceived. but you can be assured that if the cases are well-presented and  a person is trustworthy, i will respond well with slow but steady approach. that, is me. but at times, times when i am the one talking. otherwise, it could be somebody else ;) in my spastic times of constant posts, several times a day, provoked by the sudden urge to say some things- i figured that a decided splurge of words sometimes is far better than the occasional unintentional splurge on material matters.

sometimes i think my only friend is the city i live in. sometimes i believe, there is nobody out there. sometimes i feel like that. sometimes i take myself to a place just to feel a presence, a sun ray, or a cool breeze. i would like to see a Christmas tree on random days of the year, and getting wet on a sunny day just for kicks. what is life if it is meant to be ordinary for everybody? maybe, just maybe i am a baby in an adult's body. maybe, i suggest we all gather round and sing auld lang syne at the end of each day (since a day lost isnt gonna come back again, why is it only sang during NYE or so?) i would rather sit on a wicker chair out in the garden smelling flowers and listening to the crisp falling leaves on a normal day, and not sit on a swiveling chair with the clicking sound of the mouse all around me. like this, i say i still do not understand the world around me. as i cannot say a thing for sure of myself, i do not understand another thing as well. i guess that is fair then. trying to understand the whole world is a crazy thing. trying to understand about this self, is essential. i am going round and round, like a merry go round that forever has no destination. just round and round and round. but happily turns and circles, till the very stop button is pressed by the mighty one above...




so what is it about you?

approach at own risk

thank you for taking my blindfold off. i think  i will hang on. if anybody still needs me. if no one does, i guess i will just move on. i had plenty to give, but people often shrug it off. i aint jaded anymore, now that i can see.

but today, today in particular, leave me alone. just me.

today, i eat people.(literally feels like)

today, i am extra agitated. computer, books and furniture does not pose as anything of relief to this troubled mind. i am against everything that i see or touch.

okay, today, i am entitled a full day of screams and grunts (in my head)

yea, just today. maybe. pfft.

ps: happy birthday to the king of the family :)

ugly truth

happiness is a journey, not a destination. that is how it should be. i think having aims is good, but nobody should be too  preoccupied with reaching the end without looking at the moments in between.

one day, at the beach. there was once this friend, who is too realistic about everything-for whatever's sake. beautiful colors of the ocean, bright day at the beach, or beautiful moonlit shores. typical, but there will always be commentaries about rubbish, or the color of the sand, or even the pavement we walked on. then, the person would continue by comparing the current beach with some perfect beach elsewhere, out of the country, whatever. visit to the malls were worse. and this happens to the harbor, the islands, things- god knows what else there were. i dont live in a metropolitan, nor a highly civilized big city. but neither did this person. well, at least people around here, we have better sense of respect and gratitude. i mean, what else to complain about when we have little problems compared to places where corpse are in abundant, right?none of this changes what we have in a split second. so why complain? do something! smoke less, heck, stop smoking to not pollute our oxygen. also, less butts and dirty ashes around. this, among many others. if you are smoking, then shut up. (no offence) you have no rights to compare or complain, and that is just one small little thing that you do. it contributes to the bad state we are in. dont you agree? if no, maybe a reason or two? thank you.

forgive me for my rants, sometimes i just think to myself, why are people so inconsiderate and does not look into ourselves before downgrading others? i try to do my part, even if im only one person among gazillions who are different, i just do my part to change the world into a better place. yes, i think i change the world i live in one inch at a time. try me. at least i have got my viewpoints straight. others should come accordingly.

some things*

...should be left unsaid.

it is already coming to my 100th post! this is 99th! it would have been a lot more if i didnt accidentally delete my previous one though. anyhow, it is quite a relief having a brand new one, blog, i mean. so much more to say, so much more to write. i hope this one doesnt exist in vain. that i could really could get myself lifted in a good way, some way. for readers, ghosts, or whatever, thank you for even scrolling through even when you have only stumbled upon my blog when you are website-hopping. many heartfelt appreciation, even though i initially didnt intend for this blog to be of public concern. well, i realize feedback given could make things better, my thinking, at least. right? but please, please leave a name, at least, for me to address you properly when i reply to any of your comments. thank you, again.

"i didnt come to tell you that i cant live without you. i can live without you. i just dont want to."

-Sarah Huttinger, RUMOR HAS IT.

for the record, sorry for taking your dreams away. i lost mine too. so, yea. lets start afresh.

better days, people!

weekend

...time to rejoice, and time to rest.

today is Friday!

hmm, quite some time to reflect and think about things to come. but too much time leads to illusions and fantasies that only exists in fairytales, time is, to me.

doing what i do for a living, i wish that i draw locations of stardust sprinkler instead of normal sprinklers that is of water. i could only imagine a life where the floors are made of flora of eternal gardens, and walls with colorful candies and edibles all round. that would certainly be a world made in heaven. every step we take would be safe, not metal, no sharp edges.

moving on, i think lights could be of that of fireflies. not by captivity, but naturally, with the(my fabricated) environment, it could be a beautiful source. dont you agree? well, i have never actually seen any live firefly before, but i hope one day i still will. then, human could still live harmoniously with the animals, in a civilized way of course, and we would have each other to live on. ridiculous right? carnivores, omnivores, and herbivores living together? pfft. yes, i am most definitely going nuts in a bit.



what else? wait, i will give it another shot another time.a little bit more and it is gonna be saturday altready! lets say i really dream about this world im talking about, i will write it down. hah! until then, have a good weekend :)

i really

...really, really need space. really need inspirations. need to re-compose myself in a way that could liberate myself from the strain i get from walking on these planes i call home. i dont call a stranger love, nor i blow kisses to the northern wind. i just, really really need a break from familiarity. a little while would do, given that i dont fall head over heels on the foreign land. forbidden, probably, the longing that i currently have. i couldnt help it.







i really want to. really.

january*

very hectic first month of year 2010.
trying to create a dream or dream(s) come true.
many things going on and off the computer screen.
lots of thoughts and sighs and hesitations.
anticipations and intense hopes on the coming days, months, and years.






we will see what happen....

shall we?

...shall we walk through things, slowly?

why do people have to rush, then have stupid talks?

why do people just leave, when things are rough?
does anger settles for the better?





just why...

this tuesday

...ever since last tuesday, or maybe the one before that, the skies has been gloomy.



today. still dark. i have come to think that the sun has grown tired of us on earth. she hides herself and not shine through the dark clouds anymore. pffft.





will it continue to be this dark for the rest of the week? well then i had better get a pretty raincoat and play under the pouring rain. heck i should just go out and get wet!

be-witched not!

it is already Monday? dang! time passes so fast. which is good actually, but only at the right time.honestly, the only thing that is keeping me calm right now is the cloudy-plus-rainy weather. that made me wonder some too. i despise slow moving time, especially when the clock seems to have stopped ticking in the workplace. gosh. i felt nauseated and partially gone paralytic every time something reminds me of that slow thing.



it does not fascinate me, the way Monday comes!




keep that clock away please!

awWwe-some!

...im gonna take a hero whom no one but myself will much like.



is it even possible?
to last for always?





awww, got him.

dilemma-fied nonsense*

...sue me for dreaming!

i literally have to put a password and a big lock in my brain to stop.

i have recently discovered that i kind of have the extra fondness to more 'alone' time. but easily said than done, i failed to have too much of it. i basically thrive among human (ha-ha) and yes, i am exactly the type of person who would chat gaily with strangers i meet in random places.

am trying to tone down that though. (warnings from people around about security yadda yadda yadda)

oh yea, im turning twenty-three this year, and i still have about-completely-no-idea-of-what-i-truly-wanna-do-in-life. oh God help me please.

weedflowers

i am a fairy and i am going back to my magical world. as if. i would much prefer to be tiny and view the world from a butterfly's size. then a small garden to me(now) would have been a huge garden of heaven with beautiful giant flowers and bright colors. i would have lived a short lifespan, but a very full life. seeing things high and low :)

backseat goodbye*

...that mellow tune from the radio soothes its passengers, with cool breeze gently combing through hair smelling sweet of midnight dew and flowers. who would have thought that this could be goodbye. who would have thought that this could be the parting of the impossibles. next time, dont even bother giving tell-tale signs or obvious hints. because those are only going to make things harder, and worse, just worse.

im still in a state of shock, having an unintended silence for a while there. and practically leaving my brain self-process(isnt it always so? pfft!) i just stared on, stunned.


okay, okay. i'll cut the crap.


my beloved dog ChaCha got loose and never came back. ta-daaa...... beats the shit out of me, i miss her. but there was nothing i could do. my family looked high and low for her but she was nowhere to be found. so i guess it was meant to be. we lost her. that is what happened.

maybe she would come back after getting bored gallivanting (enough) outside our gates. maybe she will get very hungry, not having a full pot of meal like home. someday. probably. im still keeping my fingers crossed, and eyes open every time i drive out from home. a glimpse of her and off i will be to grab her and then chuck her into the car to be brought home. rainy days now. where could she possibly hide for shelter and warmth? i am half certain that someone has taken her and slain her into dog-soup. *palisssssssss palisssss jauh jauh* ishhh, those thoughts!

gosh. where are you???

sad.

forgotten flame

i have a secret.


for all my effervescence, gregarious perspective and openness, sometimes I get a little worked up over the co-mingling of friends. drifting these days, me. of late, i find mingling is like lunch box with compartments i had for recess in elementary school. it kept my gravy filled portion from that dry part that fills my rice, and the overcooked(due to hours in the lunchbox) steamed vege.

because sometimes id like to take it all separately, all by itself. sometimes the gravy tastes great with a couple leaves of vegetable. sometimes id enjoy mixing it all in a big, colorful mess.

but sometimes, the introduction of one group of people to another leads to nothing good. thus, i guess i prefer keeping most of my social circles apart because they appeal to different sides of my personality. that explains a lot eyyh.


today, sipping hot chocolate and seeing people pass by would do me more pleasure than a gather-round big crowd of human comparing names and statures. im definitely all grown up, but just havent completely figured out what that means.



yesterday is but today's memory, tomorrow is today's dream...




ps: may your inspiration be many liberation from whatever that is holding you back from your future. hmm, does this sentence make any sense to you? it does to me. happy work-day! (yayyy! it is friday!!!!!!!!)

an attempt to forget*

i am.

still trying.

hard.


only a stupid person would neither forgive or forget. and only a naive person would forgive and forget. a person with wisdom forgives, but never forgets.


which would you be?

which could you be?

i always knew you*

i remember. i remember way, way back when the grass have always felt so much cooler and always looked so much greener.
i remember. i remember you, when you kiss me for the first time when we were at the parking lot staring at the sky full of stars.
i remember. i remember it all. all of it. like when we would laugh, and laugh. and nothing in the world could, or would, stop us.



i remember.



is this what we are?
or whow we are?
deep down inside...


sometimes.


i never can tell. but i knew. somehow i knew you all along. fate, maybe. love is another game of chance. seek it, or be found :)

rainbow warrior*

pennies in a well.

faces and flowers in a fountain.

a million dollars in a deep clear pond.

do you remember the times and places where people make a wish and throw in a cent or two? those were the days, when people still believe. naivety sometimes brings good luck, if believed wholeheartedly. it is the sincerity that brings honor to things that we have given out. the feelings caught in between reality and dream, some pressure escapes, and joy re-lived. even for a short moment. that, is pretty amazing.



sometimes,
rainbows formed at places we least expect :)

technicolor*

sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring. love just need a witness and a little forgiveness. i wouldnt trade the pain for what i have learned, and i am learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes. maybe a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace would help so much to carve away those cold stares. maybe just an impression would do to keep up, and to go on.


i wish that life, everybody, could be in technicolor!


life, have you brought it in with cheers, or perhaps tears? looking back (as far as now) what have your life been like? has it been good, or bad, or even indifferent? sometimes, i would forget. sometimes i would rather blow it off altogether. other times i would prefer to keep it happening. all smiles. all colors. but not always. i try to. i hope you would do too.

5things*

i like solitude, sometimes, because only then i get to hear my own voice.

i like people, i like kindness, i love stories.

i like words that are lovingly arranged, perfectly matched up that enlightens the soul.

i dont like plastic culture; i dont like conformity. i dont like to put people in boxes; i despise injustice.

i love dogs. i love things natural; and all goodness that comes with it.




five things, what i thought of today.



what could be better than seeing beautiful inspirations in and around me when i start my day? i would say the best is waking up each morning to a big smile on the face that i see without fail everyday on the mirror. that is always a start. a good start.

happy day everyone!

muse wrang-ling*

i do not know what i appear to the world, but what i do know is that i do divert myself off attention pretty well, and hops on to fun pretty fast. these city walls have seen me grow, sad, and lol. these roads have path my way to where i am now.



i cannot understand the philosophy behind silence is consent.

i am a huge procrastinator. i remember, but i tend to put things aside and come back to it again a lot later. i just do, for no apparent reason.

i let people walk all over me, sometimes, like-literally.

i dont like poverty, and every bit of evil that develops from it.

i sway a lot, like daisy in the field blown by the wind. but i will stand my grounds, right till the day death brings me down. that is what i hold on to, sort of.




what do you feel about yourself most of the times? how do you see things around you?

let us share...

whisper request*

...inquisitive and playful, clumsy but fun. like a little girl playing at the seashore. gone are the days of pure bliss without regret and worries. well, we could still have, not totally gone *poof* but it is harder to come by now.

suffocated. i feel. yes. why does all this have to intertwine with your personality when it is clearly only a weakness that comes and goes?

in my mind, i contradict a silent judgment to that weakness of mine and i try to choke that evil piece out. hahhh! weird sentence there but yes, that choking part should happen very soon. i need to get rid of that suffocation this very moment or else i could be choking myself dead in it. safe for now, but not for long. hopefully i dont go cuckoo before i finally figure the problems in the system.



i still have childish thought and possesses an-occasional-childish-reasoning (pfft) with succeeding chapters that never ends till today. i know it will be continuous, doesnt matter im not a child anymore. that is the security harbor that my mind has for itself. not faked, that genuine element that naturally reminds me of my younger self. so blissfully unaware that this day will come when i just dont know what to do and none of those innocence would help me overcome the 'adult world'.

still, i am a child. within. good, maybe. bad, definitely since it does not serve any major purpose anymore when you are no more living in the past.


how to deal with it?

mentally drained*

okay, it isnt even half a day yet and i am exhausted in keeping myself going! make me, please! *faints* anyone, i need a clone of some sort that could replace me here, finishing my work and leaves me in peace and away from all these anxiety with guilt of not finishing my work and being the weakling that i am when i am in this destructive mood.






now, *hummmmm-mm-mmm-mmmmmm-mmmmmmmmmmm.......*






i am in search of a muted oracle, a texture i can grasp in my hands. i think i might know when i find it. i will hold it tight then embrace it with one touch of divine i will be bound to. with it then i might feel safe. not physically or mentally, but the soul-searching isnt gonna stop there. i could be safe for always...


there is always a dream...

monday again*

my mind isnt front and centre today, since it is actually monday, today. i wonder why is it so, but i guess it should be because i really dread coming to work and force a working attitude which i know i dont possess, other than doing something else that i really do have passion or a hint of interest in. (*barf*, long sentence.)

i have gotten myself in a long conversation the other day with dad almighty, and things got a little awkward. old and new things came out. i was neither relieved nor upset. it wasnt good or bad, then. but a communication it was. glad to actually gone through a certain issues with him, it couldve been worse if i had not. all is good now, i guess.

i should really try to discipline myself with work right now, when things are actually formal and ongoing. but these mental spasm i have prevents me from really being productive. maybe it is that time of my life when i just didnt wanna do anything for a change. happens to me, not to all you productive people out there i suppose. happy working, and please, please, time, please pass by faster so i can leave this place! amen.

if you see me now

...i would, if i could turn my whole world upside down.


then walk with an upside down smile. but what a waste it is then to see beautiful things on the bottom instead when all is created the way it is right now. in a way, id probably learn to appreciate lower things that have missed my gaze all these while.


im always interested in interacting with the world around me in as many ways possible. some days i encounter things that stretches my capability of understanding because their ugliness is so blatant and cruel. other days im amazed at the goodness that can be seen if you are lucky enough to stumble upon it. this intersection of cruelty and beauty, good and evil, right and wrong keeps me awake at nights when my mind grows ideas and turns them into hypotheses of all sorts.



so,

if you see me now. i would be asking questions. and more questions. so think twice before we meet. kidding.

bi-polar extremist*

i feel extremely volatile, sometimes.

5 minutes ago i feel like i wanted the world to end and i just wanted to eat myself, or everybody else for that matter. after an hour of silent therapy with myself or a while of gibberish with any of my favorite people i am ready to take on the world and all its shit again. i am amazed by how polar i could be at times, scares me (and maybe people around me too)

i told myself that i see the world. but the world is not accessible to my gaze, and i only saw parts of the world. and that part of the world that i see could be my actual whole world.

the fact that i always struggle with decisions and emotions is proof that i do not have the correct knowledge to solve my problems. this insight can either turn me towards the real source of that knowledge or completely gets me out of the mood to discover. i know i will suffer disappointment for as long as i cling to expectations. so i am letting loose, and see how things goes. well, not going total aimless, but i aint pressing things as hard as i do clenching my jaws when in anger.


that is a good sign there right?

major psyche

i have been compelled with people that could remain calm and knows exactly what to do to reverse a major problem. when the situation is intense, and all the person does is exhale and fixes!

i, for one, is NOT that kind of person. i do exhale. but it is more like a sigh than an exhalation sometimes.

happiness should be recognized, i think. it should not be discovered or achieved. then, it is forced happiness and not pure happiness. the happy thing to do is of course to realize that feeling and be fascinated, because it came straight from the heart and not merely developed from the mind. hahh! there you got it. another wacky happiness post. i wonder how many times have i talked about this round and round...hmm. bear with my repetition sometimes aight people. i am recovering from a stale mind off from work so it goes a bit out of control.

maybe i should write, more!

so we'll see what comes out next!

my prerogative

...eyes in the sky. a moment, at least. every day!


i would love to see a change. any kinds would do. maybe in time things could prevent changes i see in things every moment, everywhere. but changes, i would still want.

while i try to keep a positive outlook on life, a part of me still remains somewhat pessimistic and jaded, because that way i can still be pleasantly surprised. sometimes i wish i could meet my fifteen-year-old self again, just so i could smack some sense into her. those were the days. so far gone, but yet still so close at heart.

childhood seems so short now. teenage years were the toughest (in a way), but it isnt as tough as what today brings. still, i could smile reminiscing about the past and at the same time anticipating the future. many more to ponder, many more to experience too. an old saying goes, you have to know a person a thousand days before you can glimpse into her soul. maybe it is true. yes.



books. caramel hot chocolate. shopping. my cravings. now. anyone?

perhaps

just perhaps things could be altered the way we want it to be...

or days could be having the weather we would most love...

or work could be done like a leisure activity...

perhaps, it would be so different now. yea. so different.



ps: everyone loses faith at some point of their life, but sometimes we should remember what we still have.

where am i?

now, all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight. but i know that theyll all be gone when the morning light shine into my window pane.

everyone welcomes new year. half of the population celebrates new year. one quarter sets goal but only one in a million works towards their goal. we only live this life once, so why worry about the petty things? like i said earlier on, things appear and disappear. though not completely, the traces left are often negligible and not as intense as it is that very moment.

setting goals and resolution wasnt really my kinda thing and it isnt gonna start anytime now either. i am just gonna go through it when it happens, these target thingies. what is there to lose? things occur, mind records things, then things changes. simple as that. well, for me...


we all, you and i, make our own history.

we live with the same air, on the same dimension.

what we need is time to make things happen.

need i say more?

2010*

...and the first day has come! (lol@ the opening sentence. it sounds like i have created a day!) so, a day in another year. still breathing the same air, my eyes are still twitching once in a while, and birds are still flying their yearly flights. same old, same old. just the year have changed, time is still tick-tocking.

i have always wanted a perfect ending. somewhat, perfect. now i have learnt the hard way, that some poems just dont rhyme, and some stories dont have clear beginning, middle and end. life, in my book; is not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next.

i dont know about you, but i, do not grow absolutely. or, chronologically. i grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. i grow partially. i mature in one realm, childish in another. my past, present and future mingle and pull me backwards, forward or fix me in the present. i am made up by layers, cell, and constellation. so blame it on my star if there is really something wrong with me because i bet she has something to do with me acting weird and all messed up. dear Virgo!


good day all :)