wasting youth away.not!

so here i am. my fingers are running over the keys of time, the proof of time at least. noting things that i thought and saw and hear and feel. my words are slowed by time they are deliberate and cautious. i would love to report to time itself that i have figured it out, that humanity in me has managed to learn something, anything. i must unfortunately report that the atrocities of the past are only being reinvented, modernized and sold as something new to fresh minds who dont know any better. probably like me, i might still be...

it has become apparent that no matter the warnings of our past we are fated. so here it is, my letter;

dear time,

i dont know if you can hear me, but i can see you. i have seen the darkness left in your eyes from the hatred of mankind. i have also seen your hope this time we will get it right. i know how vastly insignificant i am, especially considering your infinite nature. one sigh from you is a hundred lifetimes. i know. i am writing to tell you that i didnt want to live forever like it is infinite. i just wanna live enough. just enough, nothing more. i want enough time for my childhood(thank you), my youth(i hope) and my future to live. these, i pledge to you. dont give up on me yet.

signed with utmost reverence,

lainelwk nov2010

i dont know if this counts as a wish, or a hope or what. but it is something i had wanted to look/read back one day. to know that i have fulfilled or not.

jing-a-ling-a-ling-a-linggg

yeay! (genuine joy) christmas in in a month time! cant wait! what are your christmas wish this year? as for myself, im asking for a lot of things. it isnt about being greedy, but at least something gets granted in the end?

last year, i went for christmas carolling. this year, i didnt manage to join any practise and meetings. emarald is in the middle of her struggle for stpm. it is not very nice going without her. (not sarcastic, this is sincere)

so, here is to the whole advent season. happy times! always...

november28th

it hasnt been any fancy shmancy date kinda day, but there is lots of laughter and love all round. that is what that matters i guess, to get you through to the next day. i grew up fables fed by disney fairytale stories, like these;


...and i bet a lot of you too. i have always had admiration of characters in those fairytales, yes, not envy, just admiration for the stories of somebody's life perhaps, that inspired each and every piece of these fables to be written and made.

today i have watched tangled, an adaptation of rapunzel- the princess who has magic long hair. there is just so much you can comment on a movie, which i think most of it you would be keeping in your heart. the interpretations, the warmth that you felt right out of a heartwarming one, those sensitive points in the movie that touched your heart and feelings and only you and you alone could feel it for yourself. yes, i am being very emo right now talking about all these, but yes again, i feel compelled to put these thoughts and pictures in here for this. just for the record.

ooh, i lovvvvvvvve maximus the horse! adorable! of course, as well as the other characters, i found really amusing! as always, disney never disappoints. i really appreciate how movies could make you feel so good, as it could alter your emotions in many ways. 3d for cartoons might not be as real, just yet, but i guess living in fancy shmancy land almost being able to be inside it is something to giggle upon. just for kicks, sit at the front-most row. you will get what i mean ;P

after today, i actually had a tiny little bit of better understanding about certain things in him. yes, it still bugs me after all these while why i am over-reacting over small matters. no, it hasnt been well on me in any way for being so paranoid about everything. i suppose in every relationship there are perks and downsides of it. so yes, i have gotten that part. next, i will just have to accept it and go with the flow. yes, go with the flow.


ps: i realised that i have used a lot of yes in this post. perhaps i should implement it into my life, just this once. yes, i probably should.

a subtle collision

some people are just too lucky. they live in the moment just because they can. and the rest of us had to make ourselves live in the moment, and had to unconsciously think ahead because we have to. such a pity that not everyone acknowledges their luck and advantages that they take for granted. this pains me, because there is so much i could do with such luck, seeing it right here right now. yes, i figured people would retaliate by saying you wont be thinking this way if it was you having all that goodies. and yes too, that i might be different, given the life that is different because the way of thinking might change altogether. but what im saying is, what could possibly change, if your heart is sincere and thinking all things true under any circumstances you will still want to live well and be fulfilled with the best your life has to offer-- whether you are privileged or not.

i am a curse and i am a sound

you called me a bitch like i should be shocked or something. seriously, the word bitch doesnt hurt. it just shows the exact person that you are, calling names just to win a war that you have made out for yourself. nothing is what it seems, people make things look or sound good or bad. and honestly, it is all getting to me. the conscience and the revelation of what i have always been bothered about.

have you ever been in a situation that you really dont know what to do at the moment of time, but glad that you just didnt go all the way doing something silly? i just felt i did that a lot of times before and realizing it, makes the best of my day today. i guess some things really takes time. at least now i know, and trying to understand more is the best thing i could do for myself. not making a big scene back then you could have save a lot more than a friendship, if not just the heart. really...

uninterested&wide awake

fine line between love and hate.

the opposite is apathy; when both hurt too much.- anna

my guy says that the second most unbearable pain is toothache. second to the very excruciating heart attack pain. and i am having exactly the one that is a far from life-threatening, but causes pain so bad i could have had to bang walls and die in the middle of the night. wisdom toothache, the dentist said that it should be taken out. i dont understand why when it is growing perfectly normal, straight and out the gums just have to swell and make problem for it to come out big, white and mighty. okay, exaggeration there. i just dont understand why must it be taken out and why does it have to grow if it is meant to be taken out?pfft. how did people survive in those times before dentists were available?

i've got clouds in my head, dreams in my skies.

i wanna be rich. money, yes, but physically and emotionally too.buy myself a huge loft in new york. get freakin artsy-fartsy. buy tonnes of ice-cream...and effin live!

well yeah, i am living. having more in life to think and have is not a bad thing. we are all subjected to disappointments. for me, i would cry over it, sulk, ramble on and on and on, complain and complain, then suck it in. yea, that is about it. then i would start wondering what is next.

i constantly wonder how my life looks like in other people's eyes. do they think i have it easy? do they think i have nothing going on for myself? or are they wondering what i am wondering too? the thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. no one will ever know the things i have had to overcome--not even my closest friends or my family. it has always been a personal affair. the thing is that people are always so quick to judge. you can only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. i always try to look as put together as i can, and i guess that is my way of hiding from the truth. this scares me sometimes, that nobody will ever understand why i am the way i am. it is such a nice thing if everybody has an understanding of what others go through, rather than having prejudice and inaccurate judgments. i wonder, when will this ever happen. maybe it will never happen at all...

make epic wishes

yes, do it.

i would rather die young, or live forever. freaky sentence. i know. i love differently. if there is forever in my vocabulary, i make it mean millions of dollars in each day. well, literally, in memory and what not that it brings in the love i give. there is a whole other world in everything that i could do, me and you, everybody can do with sincere intentions each day. like that, and just that, beautiful memories can be created. why wait forever? why settle and wonder if forever happens? i think forever is a day. we could make forever out of a day just as perfect or maybe more perfect than what forever is, if it ever comes.

my forever, is love- as broad as the context of love is, and more love. happiness is next, which naturally comes with love and with happiness too we have the rest. essentially, i feed my forever. i feed it with my dreams, my care, my anger, my smiles, all that i have. that forever, in time, will show me what it means in due time. the end of time, maybe, but by then i would have outlived my many forevers. having 20years as many forevers is already a blessing. so i guess by the time people realises their forever im already six feet under, making my next string of forever ever after...

earth turns slowly, still

...i like it when my guy makes me feel like a woman and a little girl at the same time. i love it when my guy says something so sweet that i just sit there and smile like a bloody idiot, then proceed to read it a hundred times again just to make sure i wasnt dreaming. yes, typical dreamy lovesick thing to do. but yes, i do it, i do it a lot. just because of that one guy.

there is always space for improvements. we are heading there. i know i am almost there. almost perfect. the world might have its own perfection, i am doing mine.

pain in the arse

once upon a time, there is this dude who really is too irritating that he is almost obsolete to people around him. it is just so hard to make him understand the fact that what he says and does are not right most of the time and makes life harder for others. turning away from him is the easiest and most gentle way to not hurt somebody so ignorant, but not so innocent. seriously, pain in the ass!

sanctuary?

i would be so glad to declare that reality doesnt always exist here, in this blog. im glad, to be calling this place an escape, or rather a safe safe. provoked, this is where i could freely have everything jumbled up and out.

i laugh at silly movies and im stubborn as a stone. im extremely honest, and some people get annoyed, sometimes im scared of it myself. im playful, and i know when something im saying is maybe shocking, but it is just the truth. i simply want to live the way i need to live, differently. i always wonder if im ready to ever be alone. i cry just like everybody else, maybe more than anybody else. i dont know what you believe in, what you think or what you see, but this is just a part of me. ♥, weikwan.

this does not mean im giving you all my secrets. you know my name, not my story. there is more to me than you will ever know. i guess there is just more to the world and everyone else than anybody knows...

pictures&memories

i should be floating, but im weighted my thoughts all the time. there is is a lot more to the pictures stored in our memories than actual pictures sometimes. the thoughts are much more vivid, living through it over and over again.

im pleased that you are near. i love the occasional highs that you bring when you spontaneously lift me up and swing me around. i feel like i am on top of the world, your world, at least. i love it when you purposely annoy me by repetitively repeating what i say with the annoying sounds you make. i actually dig it when you block my lips with yours to shut me up from my emo talks or gibberish, which you always knew makes me sad in the end, which you prevented by stopping me mid-sentence. yea, well, i could talk forever and sometimes i just dont know where it heads to. thank you, for loving me. we are getting there, through to the long haul together. slowly, but surely, i hope. understanding and being there for each other takes time. and i supposed i could make it an aim to wait and see the best that this could become, someday.

i am beginning to re-think the whole my prerogative thing.

ever tried? ever failed? doesnt matter.

try again. fail again. fail better.

smiles, clothes, mischief.

aww, recently everything is ON. yiktianweikwan, lainelwk, this, that, everything! work is hectic, like usual but now weekdays seem shorter when im happier. maybe, that is just a guess. being here isnt so bad. gotten used to the fact that disliking a place that im gonna be for nine-freakin-hours, at least, a day makes life a lot more miserable than just ignoring the whole thing altogether. thank goodness for family, and my man, it is more and more bearable. tell me a thing or two about your routines, cuz i really am not too fond of being happy in a place that is fake and has lots of imbeciles. i might be one too, heaven knows, but i really aim for the stars. so, please, pardon me. thank you.

i recently realised too, that there are some odd requests i-dont-know-since-when, popped up in Elaine Elizabeth Lwk. had it been the social network's problem or had it been there all the while and just popped out after all these while? i dont know what to do. honestly. i dont know the motive. i dont know if they are the same people. heck, i dont know if it is worth being sad all over again. really. i am beat. those days are over. really nice having and knowing people who have once been significant in your life, but had made your life a living hell for nothing at some point.

tell me what to do? one has not enough emotions to support every form of dilemma. i guess im in one of those situations now. one that i couldnt fathom, or might not need to know...

perfectionist. + a little inappropriate

...and here comes the anxiety.

sometimes i tend to fuss about all the small things, considering everything down till the smallest of small details. i become a nervous-wreck through silence, knowing what i did wrong or what happens around me that is not right but i dont quite now for sure what to do, at times. this annoys the hell out of me, and i could be so very bothered by little things that it actually ruins my whole day&night. i should really learn to let go and just not be so tense all the time.

do you, or do you not make a mountain out of a molehill? : )

confused

recently, or maybe it is that time of the month every month, i experience this heartfelt emptiness that shouldnt be around at all for i have most advantages that a lot of people doesnt. temporary happiness doesnt compensate long term satisfactions, i thought. this and that. that is why, i say i probably think too much. maybe this isnt normal. having said thinking too much, it affect not only my happiness but people around me as well. i wonder if this is temporary, or is it gonna go on- - this feeling of abandonment.

a friend said, it is your choice to wait and see, but you will have to bear the consequences when the day comes.

i have, mentally calculated the wreck extend of my emotional state if i were to really fall into the thoughts that i have built myself all-these-time. see? this stupid calculation alone is already a sign of abnormality itself. pfft. like i said, i have and had been on safety measures for some time now. there is really nothing to insure on our emotional wellbeing, really. these things about heart, isnt always cured with mental strength. once the heart breaks, it takes a lot more than just a strong will to move on.

compromise

...cannot be taken for granted sometimes.

im taking chances, whatever chances

i only write about two feelings.

happiness or sadness. there isnt anything in between, i figured. but this is the way it is. it has always been the two feelings since the whole universe is created. maybe those in between feelings are non-existent merely because they are just a transition from happy to sad, or vice versa. i dont know. but i do believe so. hmm, and maybe directions in these terms is either you are going to bang a wall, or fall into infinite air. it could be, right? like the movie inception, if this life is to be just another dream then anything could happen. any-freakin-thing!

sometimes, i dont know who or what to believe anymore. (and yes, i think i wrote the same sentence somewhere some time before. i forgot)

oh well, guess we are all screwed either way.

who are we?

im not fond of playing the guessing game. people say that you change your life by changing your heart altogether. it is not a very nice thing, to me. im a generally misunderstood person, whereby i dont live up to the expectation of many. well, i dont really know if it is because i have changed the way i present myself or people have changed the way of looking at me. i think perhaps both.

shuo le zai jian

i said goodbye to parts of my old self. it is a state of moving on. hopefully towards something better(?) i dont know, really. but it certainly should happen at some point. everyone should have a gauge of whether or not to go on leaving yourself behind, those that are of no use to bring forward to (but which have, before, helped you grow).

dont look back. no, maybe look back once in a while. it wouldnt hurt so much if today is way better than before.

but i would say dont look back, yet.

main reason why

...it has become a routine rather than want&need.

maybe i just think about you way too much, and some other random people that i still think about every now and then.

why do you look so familiar? i could swear that have seen your face before. i think i like that you seem sincere. i think i would like to know you a little bit more...

500th day

officially 500days of us being together. i still couldnt believe i have come this far, with him. we dont need to have a reason and we dont always have the best ways to compromise. sometimes, we are just wasting time. but i think there is just something more working behind this whole theory of us being together, accidentally or not.

who knows what could happen, there isnt anything special with this figure for anybody. but it is special, to me. there is so much to celebrate, i think, even it is just like any other days.

happy 500th day, darling. love you.

i want someone that walks in my life on accident and stays on purpose

...and i got it. lucky or not, i dont know. but he is to stay right here, in my heart for always.

the greatest relationships are the ones that you never expected to be in. and i am in one now. awesome much?

i dont know. you tell me...

i aint tough, love.

i am just not independent enough. maybe i am, but maybe i just dont want to. i need somebody, somebody to be there always.

if you are expecting me to deal with everything myself, am i allowed to have a person other than you that i could go to?

impatient&bad tempered guy(s)

...nowadays, no more mr sweet guy(s). pfft. darling is just A-okay. though there are good&bad times too.

a perfect partner in life is someone who can be with and talk about anything without realizing that the day is over. someone who will always listen and feel twice the joy or pain you are going through. when you start to feel that connection, never let it go because there is more to companionship than there is to love. because in the end, when all else fails and consumed, you will always hold on to those times you dont even need to hear the words i love you.

not all that glitters is gold.

sometimes, when things are so great, we look for flaws because we couldnt believe it is actually real. sometimes, it is real.

we are real, actually.

some just dont want to be real, because when things are real they are all final. when choices are made, there is no turning back, unless you change the way it works along the way. so yea, life is great like that. so suck that.

what if right now you really are living a dream and when you die,

that is when you wake up? - - derrek d.

you are that ghost in my closet

i dont now whether to be hiding in my fear, or to just close up that door and never to touch that feeling again. sometimes, you give me the calmness of belonging. when things go wrong, there i go floating. all these while i am in control of a lot of things, and there are a lot that are out of my control. but this, this could just change my whole life. this, control.

i just wanna leave the world a better place than when i found it. staying happy would be nice too, im always hope for happiness. i just dont want to grow up and become numb, like i have seen happen to many people. i want to live, in love, in a little cosy place in a big city. i want to travel and see everything i can and meet as many people as i can.

i didnt think to be any big shot. searching high and low for that glittery star somewhere for the sake of a moment in history, yes, history. but i would rather have my smile on and shining bright (where everybody stops and stares at its sincerity), every single day and not worry about petty ranks and standard where everybody-is-your-enemy kinda life. we could all do that, there will be no murders, no suicides, no cheating, no lies, and everybody can be their own boss of what is right. morally, i think that is what we all should be. not some hypocrite saying one thing and doing the other in split seconds. well, im definitely not taking about sleeping all day&night, wasting life away in drugs or whatever kinda life. im talking about life, the other way round! chill people, there is much more to life than just being on top... ( look who's talking xD )