paper carousel

i live in the mess you are; i could find out the truth if i just wasnt so blue. hmm, we are drinking in the sunlight, we are seeing if we can believe in the mess we are, conceive in the mess we are find peace in the mess we are...

im a mess.

may i say i loved you more? let's drink to memories we shared. down one to all the hopes and cares. here is two for being unaware that you're gone. because before too long you will be a memory.

tough love; if you dont actually believe, live and act like you are going to get everything you want in the universe then of course you are definitely not going to get it.

depressing melancoly

'angelic sister' she calls me, in the most sarcastic tone. if that is the respect i am getting, hell yea, im taking it in. awkward, but that is what you want.

im sick of carrying my whole world with me all the time. on my back, on my mind, in my heart. it weights my heart down. it has made me heavy. if i dont leave some of it behind, i will end up with a broken back, probably with a broken heart along with it.

blood will never be thinner than water. but that is what it is now. ego takes over the only person that i am legally blood-tied to. but hey, without the realization from deep inside her heart, things could never change. and so be it. i am helpless. go on, that is the way to happiness. i suppose.

this.broken.melody

today, we are one&ahalfyear-old together. rock bottom is where my day began; sat there, waiting for the green light to appear right beside your name, or the blinking orange light when messages came through. well, it wasnt a good sign where we are, but it certainly is true--the whole journey.

yes, i call us, the broken melody. because it sounded right. we were not like the very ideal of partners. we were not in the best situations always. we are just like day&night, sometimes we just dont meet at any point. but we just sound right, together. i dont know how, but after all, we are in love. that is the whole point.

i recalled what he said on christmas eve, just the other day. i secretly embed the whole thing and play it over and over again in my mind like it is the only thing that matters all my life. it will forever be remembered, up until that very day it all becomes my happily-ever-after story. i didnt expect that to come from you, dont know why. but you always seem to give me surprises at times i could not expect. that is good, catching me offguard, but good in terms of making me smile like a lunatic all throughout. even long after that very short moments that will stay on my memory, for life.

i love you, from the bottom of my heart, my gangsta'!

a picture taken on a typical weekend ride. us, for real. no pretense, nothing.

happy 18th monthsary, darling.

one & a half year tomorrow

it is just another day. at work. yes, but for me another day of being a thing is not easy. and for tomorrow, i am giving another big big love to a bigger day (than others, although everyday is such big days for us)

tomorrow, i cant believe we are so far past that one year dot.

let us see what more we can achieve! cheers! xoxo

...with intentions

i suppose you could fill in the word of your desire on the dots in my title.

just thought of sharing this;

Its funny how hello is always accompanied with good-bye

Its funny how remembering good memories can make you cry

Its funny how forever never seems to really last

Its funny how much you’d lose if you forgot your past

Its funny how friends can just leave you when you’re down

Its funny how when you need someone there never around

Its funny how people can change and think there so much better

Its funny how many lies can be packed into one love letter

Its funny how people can forgive even tho they cant forget

Its funny how one night can attain of so much regret

Its funny how crazy and ironic life turns out to be

but the funniest part of all is that none of that seems funny to me.

--Heather Noble

have a really good week, everyone! xoxo

pushy isnt good

how many times do we forgive someone just because we dont wanna lose them, even though they dont deserve our forgiveness?

if i die tonight, i dont want to know that you said you missed me. i dont want my family to know that there are important people in my life that are no longer in my life anymore. remember what i said about taking the wrong path. this might be just one example of what i was referring to. i will know who really misses me when i pass. i know who will always love me. i know people who i will always love in return and who i will always return for. dont cry, if i die tonight. dont scream. dont even think. like when i am living. i think a lot. and that has obviously made me miserable for the longest time. just, live.

gasoline rainbows

i am still so naive; i know pretty much what i like and dislike. but please, dont ask me who i am. a passionate, fragmentary girl, perhaps?

that thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. --Drew Barrymore

floating vibes

eventually, you just give up on everything.

if you really knew me, you would realize im not the girl i was before. i have been hurt, walked all over, used, and rejected. if you really knew me darling, you would know that i trusted you enough to let you into my life.

shut up, people, grow some balls and stop feeding me your words. i dont need a single word you say if it mean nothing to you what it meant to me. i hope you are happy though, poking through other people's life and just trying to make a mess out of happy people around. hmmph.

i think that relying on another person is the worst thing you can do. so i try not to. at the time it might seem like you have finally found the right person to fall back on and put your whole life into, but when they dont want that responsibility anymore everything will just come crashing down.

...just saying.

i do rely on people a lot, and on a lot of different people. i try to act tough, but sometimes at the most inappropriate times. the girl inside of me isnt just going to let me pull through hard times being alone. i just dont want to. i choose to share. what, is that a sin? i think not.

my repertoire, lately.

see i was always taught that boy meets girl

fall in love get married and forgets the world

9 months later, a sweet baby’s on the way

kiss her on the cheek and life OK.

-- anonymous.

i do not understand how, at the most desperate of times i somehow find the strength to cling onto life and simply embrace it. i can suddenly go from the desperation of negativity and hopelessness to the euphoria of optimism and possibility.

isnt that crazy? am i the only one? im always in these situations!

contagious radiation

i am in love with my boyfriend. we have been dating for close to 18 months now. i love him with all my heart, but i am starting to miss the world sometimes, the idea of being out there. i dont know why. i dont know what to do anymore. what is wrong with me and what am i thinking? how can i even be so unaware of the very state that we are in right now, whether it is going through the long haul or not. i am really unsure. he is just so confident with everything, like even when the sky is about to fall off. yea, maybe he might be able to just push everything hell-away with his very big temper and stance, but hey, i dont know if i could go through these days without fearing for the future. seriously.

my boyfriend says

...a lot of things.

some of it makes me fly, some of it makes me wanna just go bang a wall. but things he says, i can smile or cry the whole time thinking about it. it is bad, when i come to think of it. it makes me fear for the worse, and laugh like a hippy. i dont know what is reality and what is a dream anymore, sometimes. he just makes and breaks me.

im giving this whole lot of shit a longer time. for whatever, im not sure. i just want to. i think i just couldnt think of a reason to leave, and that is bad. really.

the me before? pfft. i would bail at the slightest discomfort, the slightest boredom, the slightest annoyance. but this? too much, and yet im going through it all. it is the harshes thing to have ever happen i would say, but i just dont know why.

what the hell ?!

read:one-hello-world

it is one hell of a world out there. we have got to stand firm and prove our points if we were to exist, and not just being. accomplish small tasks as if they were great&noble, everybody!

im nostalgic for the hands which never intertwined and cheeks never blush and feelings never understood, but mostly, for the love that was never shared. i have taken up falling in love with rivers and mountains and other beautiful things when we could not find each other, and then the dreams that i have exploded with words i thought for everything. so many things in life we all could have had interest in. most of us knows things, but not a lot knows most things i realize. it is a scary world out there. there is just too much to know, to learn, to be happy and at the same time afraid of. it shocks me to find out about new things every single day, and it still amazes me.

everything happens for a reason. people change, so you can learn to let go. things go wrong so you can learn to appreciate them when they go right. you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and hopefully your other half, or however that goes. and sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together. this is often said, but not many can actually do and believe just that. i think we might as well just go on living in this hell of a world, good or bad.

endlessly fascinating

i am a bitch.

i have a mouth that will ramble on for days about what i believe, about why you are wrong, about why i am right. i have a mouth that will ramble on about how i should and shouldnt be treated. i have a mentality of a age that is not my own, the number fluctuates like stockmarket. i have the body of a girl. i have a heart of a woman who is loved before, who has been hurt before. i have a mind that has seen this and witnessed that. i have these ears that has heard my crying late at night. i have these eyes, these eyes that have witnessed my own hurting, these eyes that has witnessed my growth, these eyes that have witnessed my success, these eyes that have witnessed everything i have felt, everything i have dealt with physically, verbally, and mentally. i have this heart that has never been broken, but has always been sewn back together. i have these knees that have let me fall but have let me stand all over again. i have these hands that have wiped my tears at night when i thought everything in the world was gone and done with. i am strong which is why i am a bitch. i am sensitive which is why i care so much for things that i bug all the time. i am passionate which is why i put my love into something full force no stopping. i am quiet which is why i have so many thoughts running through my mind because they have not yet to be expressed verbally, only mentally. i am loud when needed because i do not take shit from anyone because i believe i deserve the best. i am insecure but that doesnt mean i am not confident in other ways. i am everything i come off to be and everyone that has hurt me, abandoned me, pushed me away has made me. made me stronger, made me even more of a bitch, made me even more of a person who wont take shit from anyone, and has made me into a person who knows exactly what she is worth.

so, call me a bitch again. shame on you. a bitch is this, and so much more.

kampung days over

there is a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it is not giving up. it is only realizing that you dont need certain people and their crap.

you are going to lose people in your life, no matter what. and i realize no matter how much time you spend with them, or how much you appreciate them or tells them so, it will never seem like it will ever be enough. eventually, people leaves. and you start a new cycle all over again. one thing for sure, being able to have certain people in your life, without the consideration of time and love spent, is a blessing in itself.

there are some people in life that makes you laugh a little louder, smile a little wider, and live a little bit better. no matter how little, it is definitely better!

ps: it has been great having a getaway weekend at the suburb, where it is almost like a whole new world and i get to find/know new stuff almost daily. im blessed to have the best of both worlds, old & new. amen.

i dreamt. good?

...dreams that brought back memories im not so fond of. dreams that wakes you up and leaves you in no state to be having anymore slumber. dreams, that wakes sorrow. *gahh*

i even lie in my diaries. i embellish things and write my feelings out of proportion. in reality, i am a simple content girl with a decent looking future. but my diary doesnt have to always know that. sometimes i write what i wish i felt. and that progresses into something tangible, sometimes.

life is not bad at all, if we could all stop exaggerating. but everybody exaggerates. that is why life is so hard for us. those who take it easy feels life as it is, taking chances and being free from projections from the bad side of the mind.

i have so many violent emotions for you. it is you. it has always been you.

i guess i just realized this, quite odd but rather late. dont you think? since you are not quite new to me anymore my dear...

definitely maybe

you want the truth? well, here it is;

eventually, you will forget it all. first you forget everything you learned - the dates of wars and Pythagorean theorem. you especially forget everything you didnt really learn, but just memorized the night before. you forget the names of all but one or two of your favorite teachers, and eventually you forget those, too. you forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. and eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations - even the ones that seem indelible, just fade away. you forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. who went to a good college. who threw the best parties. who had the most friends. you forget all of them. even the ones you said you loved, and the ones you eventually did. they are the last to go. then, once you have forgotten enough, you love someone else...

someone who is gonna stay, now and forevermore.

that, in perpetual existence.

inevitably misread

owh emm gee. could you please not follow every single thing that i do just because you cannot get over the fact that everybody has a past, girl? you, your boyfriend, your parents, everybody! for goodness sake! i suggest you get the hint and leave me alone, and not make yourself look even worse than now. i pity you. why? because you could not let go. appreciate what you have now, dont go looking for faults and everything else could come in and happy ending ensures.

this may be an odd question, but do you know what you are doing right now?

let me tell you what,

after all these while if you still dont get it, or wont ever get it, im out of this mess. like since forever. i dont even care what you do with your life anymore. just. leave. me. alone. thankyou.

sophisticated, not complicated.

i like you, no, i love you. you put up with all my bullshit, darling. : )

love is just a slogan. the relationship, the person you have, is everything. i have been waking up in the middle of the night with horrid feelings of un-ending un-sureness. but yet, he is still the one.

i guess he is that one person who will always be in my heart, he is that person who i would like to keep for the rest of my life. he is that person who i will always love, and will never have the will and strength to move on from. he is that person who i will always remember of making me feel special and of believing in me when no one else would. he is that person who will always make me giddy and make me smile brightly and widely. he is that person who will always understand me, or try to(?). he is that person who i will always get along with(by hook or by crook). he is that person who i cant imagine my life without. he is that person...

yiktian is that one person.

raising the bow

recently i have started to familiarize with some awesome online games! dragonica and infinite aion, both are very interesting and im hooked! in dragonica, i chose to be an archer in it and named myself cocoracha. wootz. lately it is all that i play. infinite aion is so graphically beautiful, (you could have wings like angels in it and fly gracefully) but i have been neglecting it for a bit just to catch up with levels in dragonica. pathetic, talking about online games, like now, but i havent been playing anything online all my life. like, seriously. therefore, bear with me on future posts about me telling you my progress in those godawfully-addictive games. teehee.

well, this isnt the best poster i could find but these are the main four types of characters. lol. magician, archer, warrior and priest. then, each evolves into something else in higher levels. okay, i know i sound so immature talking about this game but yes, it is addictive!

try it!

despicable me, yeah me.

friendship isnt about who you have known the longest. it is about who came and never left. it is always misleading, how your defenses left low on a friendship turns out to eat you alive. making you believe less. nowadays, with internet-everythingeverything, people add or delete with complete ease. easily mistaken for garbage piled at the bin. you can crap the hell out at a person, and act as they never existed the next minute. how fragile is the meaning of friendship now? do they even bear enough significance to continue being used for the sake of fake human emotions? pfft.

i, personally am truly disappointed by these acts that i have experienced first-hand and has also seen happened to people around me. so i would strongly recommend to give yourselves a higher emotional defense before letting anybody in, and i truly mean anybody. there will never be any harm to be more cautious and even rude(sometimes) when it comes to guarding your trust.

first of december

my black ribbon ring is officially broken and lost. sigh. the one fake ring that i have liked. happy first of december people! it is the last month of the year 2010 and major panic for another new year is coming! how time flies...

again, it is about time(all over again). heck it was always about time. nothing else. what is there to complain when it has always been static, it is only us changing? time has just been going on and on and on, doing its mundane routine, or job, or whatever it is doing.

if you are lucky enough to be different, dont ever change.

-taylor swift