selamat hari raya

august's secret

some thoughts, on a beautiful august;


love is - that feeling that you cant describe in words. it is when you can care for someone so deeply, and yet hate them at the same time. when you spend your nights awake wondering why you are hurting, when you are the happiest you have ever been. longing for someone you think about every single day. for me love is something to be cherished, it is something that i see many overlook and take for granted every single day. love is something that everyone has the chance to experience, if they would allow themselves to. love is what you use to describe that indescribable feeling, love is what guides you to the light within your own soul.

a simple outing to the movie with love(s) is always a comfort in disguise. these are the people that remains constant in my life. hopefully till the end of my time on earth. 

one drink could lead to tens of different topics and events to talk about. we are women, of substance. lol. now, this is a friendship that goes beyond anger, happiness, grief, attitude, personality(ies) and all that. trust me, we have more magic in our pockets than master houdini himself. C: 

a memorable surprise party these people organized for me is just overwhelming. i couldnt feel more blessed to be showered with attention like this. family love, and then this. these people are so good that i didnt see it coming at all, or wait, maybe it was just me - dumb enough to have not realized the weird things all month long. what was i thinking, that laying low and having a mellow simple birthday this year seems to go smoothly, when i have all these extraordinary people in my life. xoxo this will definitely be a day to remember for life.

one half of the culprits. teehee. 

obviously, this darling made me cringe in embarrassment. yes, embarrassment for being fooled by the whole absurd plot the whole time. lol. i was almost completely mad at him for ditching me on our date, and made me go all open-mouthed at the sudden change of plans i almost teared up feeling upset. but before i could reach home and hug a pillow and bawl, he makes things better again. just like that. sigh. this love-hate relationship i can never know how to handle. always on the verge of screaming and laughing! pfft. this, wraps up my birthday - month. 

life at 24

well, i guess age is catching up but not not letting it catch us is the key to being alive. 26th August is just like any other ordinary day, this year. i wake up, go to work, meet people, come back to love&home, and that is about it - on a typical weekday. thank you, love, for always putting a smile on my face at the right times. family love, too. always, never-ending and never-ever changing. a day i could call my own, once a year, till the day i breathe my last.

plesantries

im a self-proclaimed sentimental blogger who loves day dreaming, something close to having delusional disorder. she is probably living in her own fantasies but do not worry, she blogs about her reality.

if i were your girlfriend, we would go on woodland adventures and run along the beach and sneak into movies and i would mess up your hair and bite your nose and sing you strings of stupid songs and write poetry on your back and dedicate a dinosaur to you, etc.

that's about it.

yesterday's breeze

people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that is what everyone wants. but i think a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. maybe? probably.

a true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful, dont you think? soul mate(s), they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

a soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…or perhaps go back to what you know is most important to you.

...and we move like lovers, darling. let me run my fingers down your side and kiss you right below the eye.

sparkles&shine

note to self: when someone walks out of your life, let them. then, what you make of yourself and your future is no longer tied to them. once, it is chance. twice, it is fate.

so, yea. im just going to suck it up.

images taken from tumblr

unreliable is a word that is enough to explain all.

round&round

browsing through roxy&quicksilver items at their outlet in town today, seeing familiar watches designs i thought of a person so awfully close, but yet is so far. it struck me silly, how somebody who is so alike you becomes such distant creature, point blank. whatever happens, whatever that comes out of innocent mouth&mind doesn't compare to what that person did right out of impulse. it becomes irreversible and alters the whole situation to a point of no return.

yea. gotta sleep on this. see what is there for me afterwards. there has got to be something other than these useless stuff that bugs me.




ps: i am not really looking forward to this friday. it somewhat repels happiness off of me. there used to be a lot on my list, that i wanted and am fond of the list that i had made just a little earlier this year. but it all changed and now i just dont seem to have it all composed anymore. friday is just like any other day i suppose. we will all wake up and not think a thing of the world, seeing only what the world has to offer.

superficial

you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you, and then you meet one person and your life has changed. forever. // jamie randal - love & the other drugs.

so, but that said, everything else is superficial. well, other than that of the normal things that we talk about on a daily basis. blood is thicker than water, friendship is forever, those kinda things. sometimes, i hate that i take things too seriously. and it happened before that because of that very trait i have (i was said to have), i was laughed at - a lot. but then again, the littlest thing annoys me. anything as much as caught my attention i could be walking on tip toe all day being all giddy and anxious and messed up and all that mixed up. it wasnt good. not good at all. it is bad. pure evil, for me. i hate that i pay so much attention to the things that i should not. i might not have had to overcome any fear or anxiety or nightmares coming right back at me over the time if it was not for these curiosity that sparked over things that i might or might not know, should not have been known, supposedly not to be known at all.

there might be some truth in that. all of that. although there isnt anything worth repeating. i just love repeating as it strengthens my nonexistent points.

the point is, i should have ignored irrelevant things. shouldnt i have?

blue black

it has been a while, since i could hold my breath and just feel the past screened through my mind. this time, it has gone by in a brief forever. i am not sure of how i could say it that way, but i have had a glimpse of everything, and i just thought hell, so much happened in such a short life of mine. looking back, i could laugh at a lot of things as well as cringe in pain just thinking about the dumbest things that i have performed. it doesnt amuse me at all, but in a way i have seen myself growing up. from the littlest bit, to the very core of what i am showing in every little thing that i do now. maybe it isnt so much that i reach the sky, or shine the brightest. but what i represent today, somewhat reflect things that i chose to be, to do, to have to become myself. somebody i would have had no idea of, ten years back. there would have been nothing to be compared to what changed me over the years. hallucination doesnt work this way, so im not classified as having an insanity-fix nor that having coke-fix made me talk nonsense every now and then. i guess having limited vocabulary contributes to me writing almost-the-same things time over time. sigh.

i have worked hard and been through many experiences to be the person i am today and when people compliment that, compliment my personality, it means so much more. in a society obsessed with trying to look perfect, i just wish people would appreciate personality more. personality is so underrated. concentrate on being open-minded, accepting, humorous, caring, kind, unselfish, interesting and find someone that appreciates that. i am sick of people only thinking about attractive-ness, i am so much more than that. i can say that, because i believe beauty is not just skin deep.

sunny saturday

woke up to very comforting feeling of just having the weekend re-inventing a whole new idea of the future. sounds very ambitious and great, dont it. it is just words, now, though. everytime i start something, it goes on full speed and then slowly de-celerates. i dont know why, it just happens, even with full enthusiasm. but normallyyy it gets done. just not straight away sometimes.

take for example when i feel so inspired to re-arrange my room, or maybe my closet space - only, my parents would also be a tad more excited that i am starting something and will keep busy for a while before i bug them that i am bored of having nothing to do when i run out of novels to read or is already bored of staying online for too long. my dogs are my constant mood-lifters, but they get a little too carried away and attached sometimes i feel like i am not giving enough attention anymore when i work late and wakes up late. time is obviously a luxury now that everything evolves around work, getting enough rest and lifestyle. these complains shoved aside, i have always been fond of making lists of things i could or should do. it always makes me occupied and feel like i have so much to accomplish and be done with to think less of nonsense that im always pre-occupied with and drives me crazy at times.

will update this post, it there is interesting things that i did because i wanted to rather than making myself busy with things to do. xoxo

boomerang

this is the only way of saying things right now. just this post, i guess.

it would be so nice to go on a late night drive with someone and just listen to awesome music with the windows down and sing as fucking loud as we can and then stop somewhere and just sit and talk. why do people suck so much? where is all the chill people at? where is all the people that actually like having conversations and shit? everyone is so fucking wrapped up in their own little worlds with their own superficial bullshit. no one talks to each other anymore, no one genuinely cares for one another, no one gives a fuck and it is just heartbreaking to me that the world is like that and you only are able to meet someone genuine literally once every blue moon, is that really what anyone has to look forward to? we are only able to make a connection when the time is right, we are only able to make connections on rare occasions because people are so fucked up these days that no one has any sort of real compassion anymore, i honestly think that no one really wants to relate to one another and that everyone really would rather just be cold fucked up individuals than to just learn to be kind. It really sucks, i feel bad for humanity honestly.

resonance

unless you love someone, nothing else makes sense. // e.e. cummings

currently deciding between the creative writing and journalism strand on a write up. not that i have to choose now, but i enjoy paranoia i guess, at times. i will always remember that no matter how fragmented our lives become, the pieces that compose us will fit snugly together once again.

it is hard to believe how much things had changed in a year. last year, things were completely different. i was completely different. how about you?

unspeakable

fuck this i am going to stop running from everything and actually settle the fuck down and be happy with myself. this has gotta be the good life. period.

i will begin this symbolic journey by finishing arranging my room and changing hair color back to their originals, most probably. or just cut it the way i thought i had wanted to. well, maybe not. i havent had the way to face how it reminds me of awful conversations that led me into thinking of cutting it shoulder-length before. hmm.

i have been good. i have been bad, mean, whatever you call it. i have been to a stage where my physician persuades me to make an appointment to a psychiatrist. well, not that i am a psycho lunatic or what but i guess it has come to a point where i began to worry even strangers - a condition i dont even see in myself and i dont even know how to begin to understand. i can act all counselor-ish to loved ones, but i dont get to do that for myself. that is the sucky part where i just have to suck it all up, and expect miracles.

i have come to terms with people switching sides, changing values, not living up to what they vowed to have lived, which i am guilty of some parts too. everybody makes mistakes, but not everybody has the right mindset all the time, including myself. i have seen friends of friends betray one another knowing well what they are doing actually ruins the very best things in their lives. the reason isnt always about circumstances. it is about values upon which you base your actions on. there is always reasons for everything, no matter what. i am glad that you have found reasons for doing what you do. perhaps it serves the best purpose. taking chances, it could be the best thing in your life. i still miss a lot of things that was supposed to be mine that i have not had the privilege of having, up till now, but i never regret a moment of before - i know it was all worth it. at the very least, i know that it was real and true and it had been some of the best times of my life.

things i think about, will still remain unspeakable. there isnt a single sentence that could describe all these i bottle up inside. but as cliche as it possibly could sound, someday you'll know...

in between dreams

my second hand post, in the same week. hmm....

my dear,

holding hands may seem like an innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body: you build with them, feed with them, hold with them, touch with them, fight with them; they are the tools of the human body. to take a hold of another’s hand is to break from living individually. it is to link yourself to another being, to momentarily entwine your life with another’s, to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone. more simple, more aesthetically naive than other forms of affection, i.e kissing, hugging, sexing, the act of holding hands is often trivialized in its true implications. as the Beatles once said: all i want to do is hold your hand.

im glad i have yours to hold, and you to hold mine. forever.

brushfire fairytales

i figured i shouldnt let letdowns stop me from just expressing, shouldnt constraint myself of my own peace of mind. it will fade, someday, these agony. all good things are wild and free.

maybe that is what it all comes down to love, not as a surge of passion - but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. and maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, even facing disappointments over and over again. these says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.

i try to find something to love in everybody. not a saint, but this should make me feel better about myself and everything else...

alessa

i decided to not write here anymore.

that's all.

sometimes i just dont understand, im sitting here at my computer when i should be trying to make things better. but i just dont want to try, i would rather stay here believing my own lies.

i can write billions of quotes and thousands of poems. i can talk about my feelings and share my pain. but how many people will ever be able to understand what im going through? i quit this childish game. i will even take the blame. but i wont cry anymore. im walking out the door. you may hate me, but at least i dont lie saying i want something and then change overnight. there should always be a reason, and proper closure for everything. i had always said i wanted what i wanted even when im weak sometimes, how about you?

cue ending music.

have you?

have you ever wondered how can two hands fit so perfectly? every line, every bone, every small detail flawlessly matched. i have. i wonder everyday how holding your hand would make me feel complete. i dont think you have ever noticed, but late at night when we walk down the streets i would secretly sneak my hand next to yours, so they can accidentally meet as we speak. and i would always hope that you would take it and hold it in yours, so we could see life hand in hand. and tonight you did. you held my hand in the softest of ways, our fingers clinging gently to each others heart. we were growing happiness between our thumbs as our skin lines came together like jigsaw pieces. you looked at me and smiled with that crooked smile of yours which makes you so special to me. i smiled back, and put my head on your shoulder. have you ever wondered why we wall fall in love? i have. i wonder everyday.

having memories might as well be the most painful experience. why? maybe i just havent realize how well i could be without all those trouble that i dragged on myself along the way. have you?

pink & purple

i did not want to wake up. i was having a much better time asleep. and that is really sad. it was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you are so relieved. i woke up into a nightmare.

dear you,

you’re amazing, you know that? you see me breaking, falling apart, so full of hatred, and yet you love me. you see me crying, you see me weak and yet, you still stay. i do not know how you can love me, but whatever it is, i hope it does not go away.

sincerely , me.

long time dream

to examine one's heart is to forage into a forest of un-certain things. today i examined my own heart and saw clutters. dresses, clothe hangers, salty tears, beauty pamphlets, pens, newspapers, hidden laughter, secret notes, etc. why, i said to myself, what an untidy human i am leaving pieces of me lying around. scars, signs, this and thats.

heart is one of the loneliest organs, given the reason to it. however, i am not certain if it comes before or after the skin.

do you know what it is like to want something so badly, but not get it in the end? i do. it starts out as a small feeling, something im almost embarrassed to admit i want. then, as time passes, i think of how my life could be better if i just had that thing, that whatever thing that im looking for. then i realize how much of myself i have invested in that dream or idea or person. and then comes the hardest part, the disappointment. maybe i didnt want it bad enough, or maybe disappointment that of the past that had left the heart wanting too much, or just a wanting but never getting.

well, that is just it. a short story.

fluorescent daylight

the world rotates anyway even if i stand still. still, day in day out things are never gonna stop moving forward. there is no point of me sulking when people just take me for granted sometimes. i would always just stop and close my eyes for a moment or two, and open them again hoping what i see will make me smile the next time around. getting a ticket, or even a random stupid note on my windscreen proves to be some kind of relief too, knowing that somebody - a stranger takes note of my existence.

i am sick and tired of wasting time at work. i think i lost my mojo the day he talked to me like i didnt matter at all. seriously, wtf? i come to work to pass time, and that is exactly what i am going to do, pass time. sometimes it makes me think, that educated and higher ranked people are actually much more barbaric in speech and thinking. they had lost the basics, where people connects through heart and feelings. they see black and white, only. they, actually refer to only a person or two. but never mind, let me just rant my heart out for another line or two and i would leave this to rest. i am very disturbed by the fact that i am sometimes treated like a non-existent worthless nobody. why should i stay, i would ask myself. but then again, why shouldnt i? leaving just lets them make more cruel assumption that i am letting it all happen and not doing anything, but not leaving, i guess, wont prove anything as well. for the impression has been made, and people dont usually change their mind over a short amount of time. screw it, im not gonna stay for another ten fucking years waiting for an idiotic realization that it all was a misunderstanding.

i do now, what i know, for a living. but it doesnt define my whole life. this, i am sure.

the sun is there everyday, just freakin shine the same way, the same direction, the same time. but it does more than that. we all know, good and bad, it does more than fucking shining.

happy tuesday! xoxo

dashboard note

i try not to use someone's past against them. it is just going to remind them the mistakes they made back then, like i have myself, too. if we watch their facial expressions carefully, we can see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. i too, cannot turn back time to correct my own mistakes back in time, they too. i try to never use emotion as a weapon, which normally is the easiest for everybody else. it strikes deeper than anything. i felt it. i knew. so i try not to.

i try hard. so dont judge.

i have a past. you have yours. my past is no better than you, no.

misjudged & misunderstood

recently i have turned into kind of an introvert, dealing with my house chores, clearing up my car, clearing up my room, mix-and-matching my wardrobe, and doing endless internet-surfing. i find it fascinating how i feel more peaceful accepting all these once in a while and just not rushing anything at all. being the forgetful person that i am, i think whatever that i left out doing from my to-do-list, i continue the next time im awake. maybe this is a sort of therapy. my way of re-conditioning my out-of-order-life. sigh.

as they say,

art washes from the soul the dust of everyday life.

have you ever wondered about the things we tell ourselves before we fall asleep? we whisper the words in the dark telling ourselves that we are happy, or that the other person is happy, that people will change their minds over bad events throughout the day. we persuade ourselves that we can live without the people who have left. each night before i fall asleep, i lie to myself in desperate hope that comes morning - mine will be a bright welcoming one, that i may recreate something happy that all good wishes would come true.

it is that part of us, sometimes, that lets us be able to sleep when the days were particularly hard and giving us hope to wait for a better tomorrow.

relief

i think i know you too well, even the things that you will do or say. even now. i expect you to lie through your teeth, even if it is a good lie, to give me this kinda relief. like what happened on April's fool. you got me. right on. but you broke all my good faith in you, if that is okay with you i guess there is no point of thinking you were true at all. im glad i made my decision and i wish you well. i am not gonna appear weak or anything, and i will not ask for help or go back to the old ways when im down. i will move on as you taught me to, be cruel in order to be kind. now i see how that comes handy when it really helps, in the whole new perspective that i am looking at.

just when we think we figured things out, the universe throws us a curveball. so, we have to improvise. we find happiness in unexpected places. we find ourselves back to the things that matters most. the universe is funny that way. sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong. maybe this is my wake-up call, the real one, showing me that i am right about the option not being worth it because now - i understand why. sometimes, unconsciously, when you are skeptical about things the whole time and hesitating since the beginning, you are actually right because your heart is actually making the right decision for you that you dont actually see just yet. in the end, it might be the best thing ever, even if it hurts like hell. (if hell is ever to be felt, this is it, in a way.)

now, i see. clearly, words are just words. in the end, what matters most is just the things you see. that is, just it.

f-ungry

i wonder if mood really alters your food consumption rates, or metabolism. i eat like baa-zillion meals and i still crave for food. i think it is true that there is second phase of growth in everyone. well, mine isnt critical to the point of binge eating or over-eating. it is just lots of munching and munching more here and here. it changes from time to time what i consume. mostly still a variety of food and in moderation. hopefully this doesnt change into anything bad anytime in the future. no. please.

lol. that was the inner me talking. so yea, middle of the night, f-ungry, talking to myself, in the end i search the refrigerator and found myself very delicious dark chocolate biscuits that has been hiding the past week that i have left un-loved. finished it.

the end.

expectations vs reality

once, for quite a long time i had had the privilege of having personalized wake-up calls from a very special person. i tend to snooze by falling back to sleep even after picking up, or i would procrastinate waking-up until whenever that is i could drag my lazy ass up. at times i would even mumble harsh words, i think, to that person and he would say okay, okay, fifteen more minutes. sometimes, even after countless times of calls and that person simply fail to wake me up through phone calls, i simply woke up abruptly and find myself panicking while frantically pressing my phone for the time and at the same time thinking what should i do next to rush for work. obviously, i am still late. very.

i reminisce on these and thought, darn, i was such a bitch for being so difficult to him on the phone. but work over sleep, it will definitely be the snooze button- anytime!

i will try not to mumble so much now, if anybody calls when im asleep. or maybe i shouldnt pick up the phone at all, so i wouldnt embarrass myself by speaking nonsensical blurs from nowhere. i try. even if it is a call to wake up and drive in the wee hours, to sleep again.


i miss.

friday the fifth

i am gonna bleed to death, almost literally. hmm. naturally, friday comes as a happy day for me due to it being the beginning to the weekend that spells rest and free time. but this day, today, i find nothing compels me towards the weekend. it is like i have lost direction of where to rest my head&heart.

anyways, today i watched a Hongkong film titled love is the only answer. i was utterly depressed from the beginning till the end of this film. i couldnt bear to finish a film, for the first time ever, but managed to watch how it ended. i think it is a truly meaningful movie as it really happens in real life, some we see, some hidden under the rugs of the many two-faced lives. it is worth a watch, or two. i think the ending is a tad too mean and inconsiderate for my taste, but in a movie, it is bound to be exaggerated. maybe in real life, it is even more dramatic and even meaner. sigh. the fact that brought me to endless tear the whole time, i think i could relate to the heroine of the movie in a lot of ways, maybe not directly, but in a lot of similar situations and decision-making - a lot of rights&wrongs, a lot of confusions, a lot of contradictions.

i want a hug

...a long one, like we used to. i had wanted a lot of things, but i guess wanting doesnt mean ultimately getting it. i think i can never have too much sky. i can fall asleep and wake up drunk on sky, and the sky can keep me safe when i am sad. here, there is too much sadness and not enough sky. that is the problem. that is my problem, actually.

when someone hug you, let them be the first to let go. // h. jackson brown jr.

ps: anything sweet, really sweet, that i have or have done was nothing that i planned. i feel the need to express this, as there should be so much more that a person is capable of doing and being. despite all these, i still need a hug. a long one.

today is tomorrow's yesterday

i feel so weird waking up to the same day of everyday making it different. i find it very frustrating when sometimes it is just you, instead of everybody around you moving by the same principle. not that i wanted everybody to be alike or the same in every way, but have you ever thought of yourself waking up, feeling all alone even though you are actually surrounded by people - who loves you or not? people who loves you will always remain constant in your life, whereas who dislikes you will also be there to see you fail, so on so forth.

i still think of certain things that happened in the past, like it has just happened yesterday. it feels too close, but too far to hold on to. that said, it is still attached to the heart and just remain with you like it never left...

fragments of a whole

there is this one friend of mine that uses the word wifey a little too easy. wifey sounds too ordinary now that i see loads more of where that word is used. well, then again i am in no place to judge that as we all have our very own limits to what is exclusive and what is normal.