wrath*

... of a shopaholic.

temptations
---------------
no.

you dont even deserve to be smiled at.

so, bug off!

i am so gonna wear invisible-eye-protector-kit every time i go out now. until i pass the urge of impulse shopping!

calling all angels*

sometimes, discretion is
really a luxury i would say.
you would want things to be discreet,
but you wont always get discretion.

on being laine*

a random doodle.

i am enjoying my old self again. in fact, i miss her dearly. i wish i had the same amount of guts i once had.

nothing.too.complicated.

I JUST NEED A CLEAR MIND, NOW !
...and not just anybody's judgments.

stupefied*

sometimes i just felt so unaware of how things happen so fast. have you ever felt time passes by like you never know it passed going on with whatever you are doing that doesnt amuse you in anyway or anyhow? i do, and it sucks the life out of me like nothing could. (if i even know what that means)



sometimes an uneventful day could prove to be such a hazard and would really make a person lifeless. in my case, i have too much energy and enthusiasm but have nothing much to release them on. talk about being not resourceful enough, i did a lot of little little thing that you wouldnt imagine how much i stuffed myself doing so many little things in a day. sometimes i ask myself where do i find so much drive to go with so little time and place. pfft. fml...sometimes.

anonymity*

being anonymous isnt all that cool. stick out your tongue, or piss a someone once in a while. being off from normal sometimes is the norm itself. why duck and hide when you have got things to say? i doubt the message is actually sent across as well as conveying them straight to the point, right? and why the hassle of having to bury chests of secrets or conceal things when it is all the same being known or unknown. it is just the matter of the people knowing it, whether it is worth it being all that secretive or shy. i think it is shallow...

untitled*

i fall in lust easily. i like to think of it as mature infatuation. and when i do fall in love, i usually fall hard. i am always afraid, that there is nothing, or noone, will be there to break my fall. thus, the penchant for the former state of delusion, for it is a lot easier to get back up when its just out of bed...

maybe i am just not ready for happiness like it isnt ready for me. when i am happy, i would think that i could hold on to that piece of happiness for-ever. but of course that doesnt happen like what i believe it would be. stubbornness doesnt glue things together. anything. i like things that i love to be long-lasting, and goes on and on and on and on and on! empty promises, broken words, separate ways, repetitive changes does not appeal to me- - at all !

i begin to think that i live a cursed life. pfft.

charmed maybe, according to what i see right now. life is, already.

ness-day

everyone is saying different things to me, different things to me.
everyone is saying different things to me, different things to me.

do you believe in what you see?
there does not seem to be anybody else who agrees with me...

dark.brown.eyes.

people worry.
what are they worrying about today?
seems like there is a good reason to worry worry worry...

i have got a lot going on in my head lately(always actually). too many things to think about.


you?

alice*

alice in wonderland tattoo on flickr by the tattoo studio

awesome! need i say more?! favorite childhood story of all time!


ps: this lucky dude! pfft!

which one?

taken from wordboner.com

there is only a fine line between love and lust. which one do you give and receive? i think these two co-exist. without love, or lust, doesnt really make up a relationship. correct me if im wrong, but aint it that way most of the time?

fairytale?

excerpt taken from online synopsis:

this is a story of boy meets girl. the boy, tom hansen of margate, new jersey, grew up believing that he would never truly be happy until the day he met the one. this belief stemmed from early exposure to sad british pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie ‘the graduate’. the girl, summer finn of shinnecock, michigan, did not share this belief. since the disintegration of her parents' marriage she had only loved two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. tom meets summer on january 8th. he knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. this is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.


(500) days of summer; one of my favorite movies.

screen shots collage from my own collection. i forgot where i got this from. XD

this movie makes me ponder a little bit. it is quite a clever way of indirectly telling all of us that things might not be what we think it would be even if it seemed right to us. sometimes fate plays a big prank, or rather we should probably believe in destiny(as cliche as it could be) itself. in fact, everybody who happened to be in our lifetime(or not) plays a role whether we acknowledge it or not. a book, 'the five people you meet in heaven' by mitch albom, is a very enlightening story, to me. it touches me in a way that i couldnt have realized that all these while i might have just pass through people without realizing that the person would have been a crucial part of my life the very next second.

love isnt perfect. it isnt a fairytale or a storybook and it doesnt always come easily. love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. it is a short word, easy to spell difficult to define and impossible to live without.



cherish, treasure,love...

Sunday already!

my little black and white note says it all huh...

have a great Sunday people. i have already started getting my hate-Mondays-discomfort. if there is such thing...

favorite*

what is your favorite?

if you dont know, does it mean you are weak minded and uncultured, without a large base to choose from, or too shallowly immersed in whatever you do know to understand it deep enough to call it a favorite? or does it make you a generally more patient and accepting person, who loves everything and cant choose just one?

that phase*

i have often wanted to travel the world forever, constant movement, constantly changing, evolving, no name, no identity, nothing to hold me down and nothing to lose.

has anyone been down that road?

flying out of his memory on Flickr by Derhamiya

how does it feel to be on your own, with no direction home. like a complete unknown


like a rolling stone?

kinky miniskirt&highheels

i bet this blogpost's title got a lot of people eyh? *grins*



girls need attention and boys need us. heh. i wonder how true is that phrase, even. where i come from there are qualities and standards to which a lady is judged upon. well, am not gonna talk about being a girl and all that stuff. it wasnt intended for this post actually.

i am in denial, still. really need to come back to myself, stop living this aint-going-anywhere kinda life that i have put myself into because of the sudden lack of interest in almost everything. rest assured though, it was only temporary. what i have been reminding myself all the times is that i aint got all my life to sulk about stupid things. i should just let go of the bads, and get it on with the full-of-zest-me.

have you ever think, like really really think about what to do with your life? this one precious life. have you ever question about everything that happens and all you get are even more questions and nothing that actually answers those you first asked? have you ever thought of what to wear today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, aaaand the other tomorrows all at the same time? i have. ridiculous. i have obviously strained my mind to think about too many unnecessary things up to these.




...and i think about kinks, that is to happen as well! ; )

change*

...is inevitable.

but is it even worth it?

i easily attached to something or rather someone and would rather make peace with whatever i could have. but more often than not i still think of change. is that even normal?

cheesy topic*

love does not begin or end the way we seem to think it does. love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing-up. james baldwin.

l.o.v.e.-- for me,

oh hai, love on Flickr by Kristin Manson

is not just having someone to say 'i love you' to. it is the state of having each other to go to in times of happiness or grieve, and to be with through significant times and through nothingness as well. it is not the absence of support and companionship at any time whether near or far. also not the presence of discomfort, guilt or dilemma with or without each other...

moonshine*

you would never know what is on my mind. you dont know where i have been. you have no idea what i have been through and what i have seen.

All these emptiness on Flickr by Franca Alejandra

hope is such wicked-wicked (insert swear word). it could never succumb to being loyal, nor could be fully trusted. i have seen my share. but i might still go on believing. i just might...

the thursday post

i am into instant gratification, laughter, fun, comfortable companion&place, lots of love, and security. how about you?

doodle courtesy of my google search (i'd keep in mind to properly quote where i stole images next time.)

black&white rainbow

appease me,
for i may be burning into ashes the very next second. and you will never ever see me ever ever again. yes, i might. but maybe you dont even care. something tells me it is just crude to have intention, or even thoughts like that. but i neither win nor lose. so why not?

sex-drug-and-rock&roll

how loud, is too loud? my tolerance is epic, i will show you sometime. in my head there is always hardcore-metal-rock-techno-all-genres-voices telling me what to do and which way to go. maybe i could enroll in a mental music school. they have mental arithmetic right? i reckon mental music could be cool...

"some women chose to follow men
and some women chose to
follow their dreams.
if you are wondering
which way to go,
remember that your career
will never wake up one day
and tell you it doesnt love you anymore."

lady gaga

i have non-existent memory of anonymous advises, words of wisdom, chill pills, toxic thoughts, ill messages, healing mantras of the past. maybe it is stored somewhere in this hay-wired mind of mine. maybe, i could still dig it up for use someday. that will be great. of course. dont you think?

ten

...things i thought of right now. random ones not orderly placed.


1. i like seeing men with crisp shirt. my guy, especially. i like, them to be either very polished(like corporate-ly formal) or very relaxed and adorably comfy(like stubble-and-all-that)

2. i adore my grandma. she is the wittiest person i know. just adorable.

3. i have a thing for vintage typewriters. i love listening to it click&clack. maybe i will get one, in the future, in my own house. just for kicks. if they are still available. but for now i would just settle seeing and listening to it at the office(yes, they have one here in my office)

4. talking to myself, or rather talking to my dogs. it has been a habit since i-dont-know-when that i talk to them about everything under the sun for no reason. i love the fact that i can talk on for hours on ends and they would still remain faithful listener and still cuddly. (maybe it is just me, they might have already gone bonkers and i wouldnt even know it)

5. doing ten things at a time. it is exhilarating. yeaps. and it is called multi-tasking.

6. i dig the smell of petrol. yes, petrol at the gas station.

7. i fancy dinner parties, dances and proms. breakfast by the beach is a ball to me ;)

8. my other-half. yiktian.

9. joyrides. road trips. even just moving around would make me high.

10. being in an open meadow, or majestic building. awesomeness.




just this, for now...

coffeelocks*

i-need-my-coffee-fix-again. it has been a while since i last had my sips of coffee brews. i didnt know why, i just happen to stop my every-morning-ritual of coffee just like that. no cravings, nothing.


now, it is back.




i had better start making coffee. every.four.hours.

cloud-like promises*

...as the title suggested, there are things said that are not materialized. maybe it wont ever be. unlike how pinky promises work when i was young(still practices this 'ritual' with the beloved), adult promises are far from being true most of the times.


bring me to a place with no boundaries, a place where no one i have to oblige to suppress my pursuit of happiness. i hate myself for being this weak in defying you. i want to be myself again, that is all i ask of you. but yet again, you are the reason i fight for the future, the reason i continue breathing, the reason i learn to love again.




you*

march-ing thru*

miserable;

i dont remember when was the last time i felt so torn between decisions. yeah, i may be a fickle minded person at times but let me tell you, i have never been so bothered my whole life. what would you do? would you even consider yourself hopping into an airplane half a world away for six months(or more) and leave everything behind knowing that things will never be the same again? or would you just stay where you are and submerge yourself with great moments shared with loved ones?

busy;
i miss how it feels like when you make silly faces to steal a smile from me. i miss those times when i catch you glancing over at me. i miss how it feels when your hand approaches mine and claim it as yours. i miss listening to your heart speak. literally. i miss how warm it is to be in your arms. i miss your gentle whisper on my ear.

all these. even when it was just seconds ago. we could go on forever and ever and ever and ever...

in pain;
the best kind of love is when you have no expectations at all. nuf said.


disappointment ;
an aspiring woman-to-be who loves the idea of living on a jetplane and on-the-go every moment, but is settled for now just hanging out with friends and family and the *occasional* derailment from the made-up-path. would love to watch people, or rather, people watching me, but yea, i am still stuck up here clicking on the mouse and typing my way into cyberworld instead. i dream up the music of my life and amuses myself with making up stories to lull me to sleep every night. pathetic? not yet. content? not really. but pleased. yea, i guess. for not getting into trouble, yet.

letting go;

all these...
am.trying.to.

will.be.fine.


...not.

fever.blocked nose.delusions.

I HATE BEING ILL.
...and no it isnt H1N1. no.

pfft.

5ive kinda colors

for me,

...every morning there is an imaginary halo hanging from the corner of my messy-out-of-bed-hair.and every day i have this weird voice in my head telling me things and thoughts of having to fend of possible attacks to my vulnerable neck, tummy, or eyes from dont-know-who. every other hour i fear for those whom i care about, thinking every minute will they be run over by a vehicle, slashed by a robber-wannabe, or just got lost in this crazy world. maybe, maybe it is just me, thinking too much.


but my world has five different colors. i do not know a million more. my only colors are happiness, sadness, ecstasy, anger, and fear. basic ones i know. and fear always seem to get the better of me. at (a lot of) times when there is no fear in me, i get restricted to do things that i have been wanting to do. this suck big time, and i ended up in anger and sadness; which eventually brings me back to the initial fear. happiness and ecstasy rarely happen, unless the other three are not present. well, that is normally when i get temporary amnesia or something. and no, i did not exaggerate.


every morning, i still shrug at the very reality that i am not the same me that i was yesterday. i am still not convinced that everybody is genuine. this is a sad sad case, i think that there are less things to believe in now. what else is convincing when even people you see everyday is not all that real now, sometimes. come the day when i blog about faith in things, people again, that is the day i am truly happy with what is around me. most probably. by then...

billie & rose

albeit all the drama, malice, heartbreak, solitude, broken relationships, feelings of perplexity, loss and deep sorrow, a great deal of valuable lessons have surfaced from all these.

at times, independence and a hardened heart can be of great importance to build up courage and strength to face the many obstacles and hardships of life. i told you i will find that silver lining of every dark cloud.

i have my means of dealing with a world’s worth of expectations, conflicts and limitations. it means accepting a frustratingly imperfect role in a frustratingly imperfect discussion.(no, the names on this blog post's title does not bear any significance to me nor this post if you are wondering)

i think surprises could enhance one's ability to take charge and also to trigger feel-good emotions that leaves us either pleased or annoyed. perhaps most importantly, it means allowing space for rightful, understandable (and possibly even productive) anger to take place. depending on the situation, sometimes a tiniest thing could bring about a great impact on us.

lost in translation

sometime ago, i gave up on perfectionism(i doubt it is really a virgo thing though) and sort-of-fully-embraced going-with-the-flow (used to dislike that non-committal phrase so much). i must say that the stress level doesnt decrease with this new philosophy. the ever constant stress of making sure you didnt forget anything with your lists is replaced by the ever constant stress of wondering if you already have forgotten something. i am the ultimate scatter brain.

i am quite envious of people who arent held back by their past. people who pick up and move on and look forward to the future. i hate that im always reminiscing and longing for the comfort of things i have preserved in my memory. how does one change something so ingrained in their personality?


no, it is not the circumstances and what not, but the comfort in not growing up. i guess it is time to really look out for myself now...and not letting my inner more-timid-me take over all over again..

should be*

i may not always act like a lady, but i do always want to be treated like one. i expect nothing less than what i deserve and nothing more than what i can offer in return.

i wrote a post, and i deleted it. after reading it again, i realize that i need that part of me to remain a secret. i value that, that of what i am able to retain certain things about my life from the people around me. i am to be the person i aspire to be, one way or another, my way, by hoooook or by crooook. and i kinda need one hell of a big plan now, before it all become another episode of my dream. yes, all those vague images of what is to be needed to be made into my future by properly laying out a plan. simple, but so not!



cheers for something bigggg and good! : )

i am sated

this Chinese New Year,
i have discovered that im not born to gamble (i have the luck and the risk-taking part, but still think it is not for me)...or talk too loud.

this year,
i have learnt that family comes first. (well, not that i never knew, but more than before)

this month,
i have learnt that i shouldnt let anyone else judge how i should live my life. i dont need permission or approval of people other than my loved ones who are automatically authorized to do so.

this day,
i cant wait for the rain to fall and flowers to bloom. i sound so emo, but for the rain, yes, i still want it so bad. get me a weatherman from above, i would make the world a pretty, pretty sight! hee~

so, yea,
i am still constantly seeking for new things to do. my to-do list is ever-expanding but it has always been lacking a few ticks. there is just this void inside of me that needed to be filled. i still cant tell whether it is physical, emotional or spiritual. frankly, i am tired of trying to dig deeper and understand what it really is.


maybe i just need another huge transformation (if i ever had one.hmm...another?) or maybe yet another absurd game of the mind. GAHhH~





dear diary,

i am done yearning. i have wasted so much energy, effort, tears and years doing so.

yours truly.

take 5ive*

...a heist of what is within takes forever to heal, if ever, completely.

a second take on feelings is unacceptable.

more than that, it is murder already!

well, at least that is really what i think...

polka-dots

...i really dont know what i want at this point of my life. well, not really like no idea at all, but i just have this very very vague images and things all over my heart and mind that i dont know which one to want and need anymore. there is really such thing as unsettled decisions. i would have loved to think that i dont have that problem, but that would mean literally lying to myself and making things go by without even blinking an eye. *crap*


there are too many hopes and dreams, wants and greed that i possess and am unable to fathom up until now. maybe some is realized materially, today, but the others still remained unknown.



i need enlightenment. i need clarity. i need to breathe. we all need to!


dot.

eye of the beholder*

beauty governs all:- le corbusier




do i really have that much of a luck of having to myself my own perfect happily ever after? i wish. i believe everybody does too.

...but i still doubt it, somehow. i regret doubting it, why, i still couldnt understand.

it is scary when you see how things happen around you, whether they revolve around you or not. things like that happen, then it makes you wonder what is gonna happen in your own story of a life. people tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. if it is true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

bloody good

note to self: never to be too personal with everybody!

i am, still, a walking calamity. trouble has always been a faithful companion to me. i always say i would take life as it comes, but when it came as it is, i grew timid. i would do everything to duck and hide. one courageous thing i would do for life, for all it takes, i would give my best and go for it like nobody's business. risk taker? not really. stupid? maybe.

on being away...

everyone has their own little story to tell and i guess i have too. maybe a little too many to have, for someone like me. plain, and all...

i have, sometimes think how things would be like if i am not living the way i am right now. like, how will i be living away from all these things im familiar with all these while. what if all these are gonna change for me? will i still be the same me?

many times i have questioned the existence of change, but through these sense and sensibility of mine *clears throat* i figured i am changing every second, me but with a twist. the littlest changes means so much now that they are realized. without realization, any big or small changes would not even bear significance to me, or you, for this matter. everyone need changes. you should seek for it, for the better-not for the worse.

being away taught me a lot, and i am still learning right now. being away, becomes a catalyst for me to embrace my true self and makes me see a lot more.


i hope changes bring you good things too...