midterm, and doubts

it has been a long way, from graduation, from emotional breakdowns, and from family turmoils. it has been a long way, for us, since we started to run this life as a team. i was so afraid to let myself fall into emotional traps again, but after all these amazing months i couldnt be any happier. i love you, yiktian. yes, there were bad times. there were very hard times in between, but after those things they had only made us stronger, for it is still going on and we are both changed people. inside and out. period. i wanted so much, and i had wasted so much. now it is just endless time, of love and endearments. all that i ask of you, is not promises that should fade with time passed, but of real commitment and faith to make our dreams come true.

i try to take mind-pictures of every moment i could remember, so that i could engrave them deep in my mind and smile and relive them whenever i want to.

looking left, 'stead of right

it is okay. it is okay to want something you cant have. it is okay to want something more. it is okay to cry when you are hurt, and it is okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. believe it or not, it is always going to be okay. that is just how it works. sometimes things dont work out how you want them to, and most of the time, it seems like they never will. but eventually, everything is going to smooth out some way or another. you just have to believe, keep your faith, and move on.

i still dont understand how i could feel so okay one moment and only to have everything come crashing down the next. it is like the world is playing some cruel joke on me. the horrible thing is that once you realize what it feels like to be happy, sadness is no longer numbness. you can feel it like a giant black hole in your stomach that sucks the life out of you...

birthday '10

9.nine. could it be better than this, and the meaning behind this? if there is forever, it would be a lifetime of love and good times! 26-08-10.

i guess pictures say it all...

birthday eve, mosaic*, Hyatt--KK. 25-08-2010.

happiness + ♥♥♥ = big fat jolly time! i had to thank everybody for everything. nothing fancy-smancy but i guess i was overwhelmed, a bit. big big hugs to all and especially you for these memory i'll carve in my heart for always!

the rest of the week is only more awesome-ness! even being sick couldnt slow me down...

my biggest enemy

...is you!

im in love with the best man i have ever met. but he is also seriously getting on my freakin nerves right now. still, i love you darling...

he is the best, and also the worst kind ever! ...who went all the way in getting my heart and then leaving me to wonder what has gone wrong.

yiktian.is.♥ !

fourletterstory

i teeter totter from verge-of-mental-breakdown to super-perfectionist on a daily basis. ayy, so, i wouldnt say that im put together.

usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. im okay, we say. im alright. but sometimes the truth arrives on you and you cant get it off. that is when you realize that sometimes it isnt even an answer—it is a question. even now, i wonder how much of my life is convinced. i wonder how much of myself is convinced of all that is happening around me. i wonder, if things will ever change between you and me. i wonder if i will meet strangers who gives me a new sense of belonging. do you ever need that answer like i do? do you ever have that kind of longing that you yourself dont even know what it is?

love is weird. it lead me to believe that i am a part of it, and then let me doubt its whole existence all over again. oh, maybe that is what i do. typical me...

does the star have anything to do with this ambiguity of mine? tell me...

this marks the beginning of the end of mediocre me!

guess what, i just recently mentioned about loving my hair being combed through and messed around by somebody, my mommy just did today! all of a sudden she came up with a nice hair styling clip of some sort, and she runs tests, on my hair, and we laughed about some silly shapes and styles that she did-- a little incorrectly with it.

things to do on really event-less times;

i would think to...

put on a pretty dress.
sleep in and cuddle.
read your favorite book.
go out and getting myself free hugs from the dogs
write letters, postcards, post-it-notes.
drink lots of coffee or tea, ice-blended or hot--it doesnt matter.
call somebody, and just be nice.



random stuffs. and i have already done a few. just need to get those stamps on and then the posting. hope things will be more interesting tomorrow and after that and after that and after that...

freedom is self explanatory

sometimes in life we went off course, not knowing where we are standing and where we are heading. the people around you can only hold your hand. it is up to you yourself to hear what your heart is telling you. and sometimes we are required to blindly follow our heart...

if you knew you were gonna die today, would it make any difference?

thunder&lightning

the little quirks are precisely the things that i love. it is our romance, and it is a real romance. wonderful, because all the pieces of me, fit with the pieces of him...

true perfection doesnt exist. nobody is always kind, always fair. there is not a person out there free of physical imperfections such as pimples, wrinkles, scars. but when you fall in love, the one you love becomes perfect in your eyes. that beautiful mark, his ability to sing, his weird way of doing things, his tendency to snore when he sleeps. you dont mind. you embrace these quirks, the blemishes. because put together with everything else, they comprise the one who makes you happiest. who knows you best. who makes you feel like you can do anything you dream of. you are not perfect. the one you are with isnt perfect. but you are perfect together. in your own way. and in love, that is all that matters.

you, are my thunder&lightning darling...

hair, heels, and everything in between

another rant...

i think that make up is a fabulous invention. i love getting dolled up and feeling pretty. though, i believe that make up should never cover up. be proud of your looks and flaunt what you have!

sometimes, i am guilty of the misuse too. it isnt really me, after all those time and effort. so in the end, it is no longer about feeling good about yourself. it is self-torture. so now, yes, i still put make up on. and i still wear sky high heels, if i could. i just hope i dont try too hard and get myself into ugly situations. (i did, and oh-the-embarrassments) but hey, im just a girl, and being a girl these are just some crazy things i do, and to myself, not you!

pep talk

someone will always be prettier. they will always be smarter. their house will always be bigger. they will drive a better car. their children will do better in school, and their husbands will fix more things about the house. so let it go, and love yourself and your circumstances. think about it: the prettiest women in the world have turmoils in their home, and the highly favoured woman at your job may be unable to have children. the richest woman you know, she has got the car, the house, the clothes - might be lonely. and the world says if i have no love, i am nothing. so again, love who you are. look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say i am blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed. winners make things happen; losers let things happen.

.la douleur exquise.

i want to be with a guy i can engage in intellectual, deep conversations with. i need a guy from the movies. but guys like that dont exist in real life.

they really dont. but sometimes, if you are lucky enough, you find something better than the movies. love exists, i promise you that. just have patience and dont go looking for it. once you stop searching, love falls right into your lap. until then, have fun, and dont take anything too seriously. it is only life...

that girl

i know this girl, he said, “and she is beautiful but she doesnt know it. she is funny, she is a cool person to hang out with, she holds deep conversation, she knows how to take a joke, and when she smiles her eyes get so chinky and it is so cute. sometimes she is really slow and clumsy and she always seems to hurt herself somehow. but I like her stupidity, it makes my day. And when she’s upset, she can’t ever hide it no matter how hard she tries. she has this laugh that is quite addictive, it will make you want to laugh along with her. she is always laughing and smiling, she is like a ray of warm sunshine that melts my heart. i love everything about her. her scent, her likes and dislikes, the way she complains, the cute logo tee she wears, and her modesty. what i do wish for her to change is her lack of self confidence, a girl like her should believe in herself. she would do anything to make her friends and other people gain confidence and feel good about herself but what she doesnt know if that she deserves more credit than she gives herself. one day, i hope she looks in the mirror and see what i see - her flawless beauty. "

-- ming liu

dont you just melt when someone say this whole shit to you? awww.......

girly thought

dont spend every moment arguing with the ones you love,

it just might be the last moment you will share.

-- quote.

ever since i was small i loved feeling somebody comb my hair. mommy used to do it everyday back when i was schooling. it made me go all sleepy and peaceful and loved. were there anything that you loved about your childhood, being the girl or the boy that you are? do you sometimes think about it and missed doing the same things again every now and then?

unforeseen circumstances

i actually wonder if all everybody does is actually sincere. are you sincere? is it all real? i wonder about a lot of things, yes, up until today. i wonder, and i still ask a hell load of questions.

to me, my illusions on self-confidence have answered several questions on why smart people think highly of themselves. on why athletic people are mainly proud (and some, too proud) of their physical appearance capabilities. on why model-like women carry their head up high as if they are giraffes looking at the vast horizon, and on why the creative and the misunderstood tend to concoct things for their fulfillment. confidence is finding something to love about yourself. in my case, not so much about myself at all. as conceited and pitiful as it may sound, i create things around myself to love.

...and that, creates my self-confidence, and happiness.

all month long

i wanted to memorize every detail, play it back in slow motion, and make it last forever.

we loved with a love that was more than love.

-Edgar Allan Poe

there are no perfect relationships. love doesnt exist the way it is depicted in the movies. love, as portrayed in film, is a fallacy. an illusion. this is, perhaps, the best explanation for our constant disappointment and failed relationships - our persistence to obtain something that just doesnt exist. no relationship is perfect, because no living being is perfect. try as we may, we will never find that guy who says all the right things at exactly the right time, every time. love is not perfect, and i believe with fiber of my being that every argument, every fight, and every word exchanged between two people contributes to their growth as a couple. with every fight, you learn more about yourself, about him/her, and about your relationship together. together, you establish boundaries, lines that cannot be crossed, and just how far you can push another person before realizing you share their pain. every tear shed not only contributes to the progression of your relationship, but also the growth of yourself. through all of this, you will learn the pain is simply a reminder of just how strong your love is. if it wasnt love, it wouldnt make a difference. it wouldnt matter. no pain, no gain? pfft.

but i will have a little confession to make. i love you, and you are as perfect as i think you to be. your love gives me hope to something better...

blinder than black

i could write a love story and try to convince every single reader that i know what i am talking about. but the truth is, when it comes to love, nobody knows what they are talking about.

there was a single thought in my head : keep thinking. thinking would keep me alive. but now that im alive, thinking is killing me. thinking, the mind, to be specific, is border-less. you could think until the end of time and there would still be more to think about...

i found, YOU!

i found somebody that i could annoy--purposely&permanently, my whole life. and you, darling, are the lucky one!

list of things to do : make a new to-do list!

career--happiness--love--family

(not in any particular order...yet) pfft. i think happiness alone already concluded ALL of the mentioned!

bright lights

you and i, my darling, we are gonna have a big love affair and it might not work but somewhere along the way we would have created history and lots of memories and at least we could tell the world that we have tried. the best part is, these things last longer than you and i added up living. if forever exists, it is there probably forever and more.

chasing skies

at this point, the sky doesnt seem so high anymore. we both seem to be cruising on the freeway, heading somewhere between reality and fairytale. it might end someday, or not, but gosh...we have tried! all that we have been through, is nothing close to what is said and done in fictions. it is a story, real and all that craze.

work has always been a reality checkpoint for me day after day, knowing that i am grounded by something of this life and not merely a dream. everyday, no matter how i feel i get up, get dressed up, and i show up. well, there may be a few exclusions on those extra lazy days when i just feel dead. well, yea, i have lots of those days and that might just kill this career thing someday. now, im gonna wait and wait and wait, no, probably work things out, and then wait. the best is yet to come!

yiktian, you are my superstar!