quiet

put yourself in my place for just one day. watch all the colors in your spectrum fade grrey. more aware than ever that i might never be as calm again. and it shakes every fucking bone in this body, trying to do the right thing on my own.


you dont just become a part of me just by being. you have to be there at my worst, and see me at my best, and undeniably all that is in between. i guess you just dont understand the term that enable people to communicate and to become an item of adoration that melts into love and love alone.


i believe, that there is goodness in you. a lot, not just a little bit. then again, with you utilizing your good sides for all the bullshit you are showing to everybody i am hoping you could at least wonder why - on your part.


sigh. my dear...

unresolved heart-calls

i am not angry at you. i was never angry at you.

i am angry at myself. 

i am angry i went against my better judgement and opened my heart to people who would not understand.

ohh, father.

hmm.


a phone call and some colleagues' comments on the caller reminded me on how you always hang up my calls even before i finished my sentence or before my goodbye reaches you on the other end. i would always call back and pester you, or argue with you about why you did what you did or say what you say, or just to repeat my goodbye that was unfinished. good times. 


i used to love to annoy you on every possible thing, but i guess you annoyed me more at times. 


like the phone calls.

sometimes

you know that feeling? that feeling when you just want the right things to fall into the right places not only because it is right. but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? i want to believe that.

sometimes i feel as though the only thing i can do to wash away this empty space inside of me would be to empty it out even more, empty everything inside myself, slowly, carefully, methodically, and leave it on the curb of my driveway for somebody else to pick up. and once im nothing more than a shell, my heartbeat echoing against my hollowed out chest and vibrating against my fragile ribs, will i be able to find what i have been searching for, although i truly dont know what that is yet. when, like me, you have spent years searching for something in the world, something unknown, something magical and all you can do to come close to finding that unknown wonder is search in books, paintings, words, and hope that the secret you have been hoping to find will somehow find you.  

the longest weekend

i would never thought of myself saying this, or feeling anything less than happy to have a long weekend. but this time, is the exception. i wished i have things to look forward to, things that brings back my ever-present father. he was always there, in everything i do. at home, in the phone, everywhere. everything i do, i see, i hear reminds me of his being. he always asks too much, out of pure concern. he never left anything unsolved in work or in the family, except for a few childhood promises he made just to shut me up from asking for more. i dont mind about all that now. in fact, i dont mind about any of it - at all. all i cared about is for him to give me a hint about anything, anything at all. his repetitive advice. his loving-but-at-the-same-time-annoying-threatening calls to come here, even when we were few steps/seats next to him. his firm reassurance. i miss.

now, it is the feeling of nostalgia. it is the feeling that follows; that bottomless desperation of never getting him back, never being the same. that feeling of memories fading away. it is those moments in life we take for granted that count. the ones that fall away too quickly. the ones that leave us in the dark, grasping for that last redeeming thread of hope.


these anguish, these unsaid unnamed unfinished business and feeling, i could not feel and could have no control of. 


i cannot.

my valentine experience

the night of valentine's day...

i would never have seen this coming, not in a million years, that anything short of a good thing would happen to the man i loved the longest and the most. this very man that i have known ALL my life, being at the emergency room is one experience i would never ever understand - until the night of February fourteenth twenty twelve. 

nobody said anything. my mom and i thought it must have been something he ate that triggered an unfavorable response from his body which resulted in difficulties in breathing. my very own father is in that freaking suffocating room filled with tubes and medicine and equipment. we remained calm, suppressed all our worries and hoped for the best. mom even started little every day conversations with Uncle Chris, my father's close friend, while waiting for whatever that is going on inside that room with blood red indication light. while holding on tight to the arms of the other closest person i have at that very moment, i waited, impatiently. but i could not do anything else, other than to wait. 

in that mere two hours, doctors&patients came in&out of that emergency room countless times. and my father have yet to be seen walking out. then one of the doctors whom my father was taken care by, came out to inform us the status of his treatment - of him. through his calm but sort of sorry face, telling us that they are trying to save him. for three times, three times he came outside, telling us that his situation only worsen with time and treatment. on the third time, he just told us there is nothing they could do. there goes my lifelong support, our lifelong support, mortal and everything went blur. valentine's day has passed, and so did he.

i could not, no words would be able to describe how i feel when he blurted out that sentence. no words could ever describe how i felt when we were allowed to see him, lying lifeless right there. my heart&head almost gave away then&there, if it was not for people i have got left. i think my whole world just fell apart and i could blame everything and anything in my sight. i would have given up anything at all to have everything reversed all over again. i would have...

my father. fifteenth February twenty twelve. in loving memory.

in memory of a brother.

rest in peace, Chrisvirgil.

my childhood memory with awi, of you will always be in my heart. 

sending you off at the funeral mass today was a heartbreaking occasion. but being a catholic, we all know that it is not the end of the road. keep being the wonderful person that you are and may you have the blessing from above to shine upon your loved ones.

amen.