you know my name, not my story

...it is all embedded in the deepest pit of this head&heart.



sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back.

my pessimism bounces back and forth. one day, we used to be great. the next, what a nightmare we were. it is a terrible in-between that tends to be beautiful in the right mind set. we will never have it back, and we dont need it. better separate, better alone. you dont deserve me, and i deserve more. lets not part so bitter.memories are meant to stay, but future holds so much for change and all the rest of the happy ever after things.

dear head&heart, i still love you. just not in the same way. i used to complain, and now i am grateful. for all you taught me, and all that you did not.

love hate relationships

i have always loved the concept of being on my own. i am not antisocial or introverted or anything. i have plenty of wonderful people that will always be there for me. maybe that is the problem. i have grown so accustomed of having people there that being able to do something on my own is like a fantasy, sometimes. i cannot wait to be out in the world, independent.

...for once. for good or bad.

we could roll, like this

do you create scenarios in your head that wont happen in real life?

i really just wish i could say efff everything, move to a brand new place and start life over and just be happier. i need to know being happy is possible.


...and i just wanna know that it is possible that two people can stay happy together forever.

my forever&always?

say hi, to forever. im a girl who doesnt not know where she belong for the longest time. sometimes im happy, sometimes im not, but that is quite normal for human being. yes?

why were we even looking for love in the wrong places?
with the wrong people? why were we so blind to see that
what we had for each other was more than what friendship meant?

im halfway in love by the time he sat down when we first met, and he had me at hello. back then everything was complicated and to add twist into this, i never have thought that we would be an item at all. it was, after all just a friendship based on mutual friends. never did i hold any hope or whatsoever for me to have a place in his heart, at all. this was all very unbelievable for me, up to this very day.

one faithful night, our eyes met, our hands clasped, our hearts sang the same tune. i rested my head on his chest while i listened to his heart beat. his arms were around me tight, i knew i belong there; i was in the right place. the right time. and the right person's arms. okay, i kinda put the whole thing into poetry. l o l (cheesy yea, but bear with me. just this post)

days, weeks and months passed as we grew closer. we then share every laughter, every sadness and every story together as different individuals.

one year later, now, and counting. i still have anxiety attacks by just the thought of him and i constantly find myself thinking, what would i do without him, the boy who can (almost) read my thoughts.

i, cannot wait to grow old with him.

i cannot wait to say;
"this day
i will marry my friend,
the one i laugh with, live for, dream with, love".

contentment

i dont know what to be content with anymore. i just have what i have, and wish and try to get what i want. it has nothing to do with contentment and happiness and getting there, not like that anymore. i lost that passion, or easier to say it is hidden somewhere along my growing up...


help me find it? or do i just leave it?

either way, it is not what i wanted and is not really who i am anymore.

sister

happy birthday Emarald !

you grew up. wow.
and like another person, literally.

...you, my sister. the one and only.

our lips are petals

things i have always thought about, things i have always kept inside my heart, things i will never say. it is hard, to be mum. i wonder how people keep things to themselves. well, at least i do spill, in some ways, to some people, or worse comes to worst i will just talk to myself in ways only i could understand.

i have always wanted things. who has not? and i have always wanted to just ask for things from people sometimes. but i never really did, and for the longest time, i kept mum, and just slide through time with those things in my mind. all of it.

sometimes i get lucky, and the guy above probably heard my prayers and sent it to me through people in my life. at times, maybe my stars just shone brighter and got me thing that made me smile so wide i could light up a city. just some of the times. not always, for sure.

probably that is the way it rolls for me. i still wished for a hella lot of things...

work in progress

work work work.

this is a world where everything is work. you have got to work for everything. and yes, work dictates a lot of things in life. i will always say to myself, this is for the future. i hope...


cheers. to work!

dealing with it

most girls grow up believing in fairytales and got hurt almost like instantly.

have you ever been angry or sad, to the point where you just break down. your parents dont know because you keep the tears to yourself, and you cry silently. your friends dont know because you talk as if you are fine and dandy behind the computer screen. well you are not fine and dandy, and you know it. no one really knows how you feel, and they have their own lives to deal with, so you dont bother telling them, you bottle it up, and store it with the other problems or troubles.

scent of rain

everything is predictable. you.

no more surprises.

little things. maybe it is just me. maybe this is just something new, this no-nonsense kinda relationship. it is sinking in, but it isnt easy letting go of the little things that made me smile.

but you gave purpose to my days. maybe that is enough for me.
just maybe...

hold on, baby.

effin upsetting to be all smiles and nice to others when all they do is walk all over you and THEN smile back. i wish somebody could just hug me in times like this and say hold on, everything is gonna be alright baby. then i could be so pleased to just walk on and wave whatever.

i hate the way people are at work. that is why a nine to five job is effin irritating to me. meeting strangers elsewhere can be much more of a pleasurable experience. otherwise, rotting at home is more tempting, to hell with these mean displays sometimes.

epic fail

reality does not make sense.
i only wanna see beautiful thing.


…i have this strange feeling that im not myself anymore. it is hard to put into words, but i guess it is like i was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. that sort of feeling. i seem to be addicted to something that does not exist. i am embarked upon withdrawal, and i am very fearful of what withdrawal symptoms will be. how very ridiculous is that?


every so often, i wake up in the morning and just think that i could not make it. but then, i would laugh, and think to myself how many times have i felt this way and still wake up every other morning...

unforgiving woes

i think i need to fall in love again. all over again. you know, go back to just being friends, flirting and batting my eyes and all those body language games, instead of fighting and sighing and painful goodbyes. i think i need to hear i like you instead of i love you, that comes right from the heart. i wanna have butterflies in the pit of my stomach. just to feel, again...

i wanna have that unexplainable want-to-see-you-everyday-to-spend-every-minute-of-my-existence-with-you. because lately, just lately it is like i wanna keep to myself, i have been wanting my space. and i dont know what it is but it is like i need another new first kiss. then maybe we just need some time off, to miss and reminisce on all that it means to be us. and maybe that is not a bad thing, i think it will actually be just right to just give up this one time and later return to the fight…

im passionate about chasing moments and sometimes catching them

we are at that phase where well-wishing becomes no more a routine. it is more of a need, a care that comes from the conscience of wanting to know the well being of the other half. the way i put it, it is a way of connecting, short and meaningful. but is it me the only one who thinks this way, and everybody else is just doing it for the sake of doing it every other time?

i am who i am, with or without you

i have run out of patience for myself, but my patience for you never ends. i continue to ask myself why you could hold so much authority in my life, never have i been this helpless before.but the answer seems so clear. why dont i listen? no, instead i would rather be kissing you some more. wrecking my heart some more. for what is all the joy
worth, if you have never felt the pain?

you are the only one in black & white, but you are the only one that makes sense. i sit on your lap, delightfully lost. i examine your arms, the tattoos you bear. i havent smiled like this in so long. in these smiles, my eyes smile. you are the only one in black & white. and bear so much meaning, to me...

is that heaven?

the memories of it in the future, perhaps is.

little lies within

i need to release the grip on my own heart. yes, this is the hardest part--letting yourself lose control. but isnt that the best part? i miss when i lost control with you, but we held that freedom so tight we made it die. and it is not our fault we passed each other by. i cannot keep crawling to you every time i have a revelation. for we are rarely on the same page, most of the time.

if i had one wish,it would be to have nothing else to wish for

i would say solitude is imaginary, but this is more reality than i can handle. a piece is missing, but i think so many pieces are missing. i question this abyss. submissively allow it to swallow me whole. the chaos feels a bit overwhelming. i can taste the freedom, but i cannot see it.

...and you think this is about you, but i have learned to be selfish. one can be lowered only so many times before they retreat. i know it is my fault that i have let myself to be hurt like that. i dwell on that. i have found my cave, i will remain hiding until i deem it necessary to expose myself.


i like my secrets, and i intend on keeping them.

rain drops on red roses

i believe good things happen everyday. i believe good things happen even when bad things happen. and i believe, on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. that is life, is it not?

do you, still remember you at all?



when you have a purpose, or a direction, everything matters--the choices you make, the steps you take. but for a free-spirit, or a truly carefree person( for some, it means useless person. but i dont think it is useless. it is not wrong to just let loose sometimes and just let things go free) it does not matter, because whatever that next step takes her, is a new discovery. and to me, i think it is worth a celebration for not being afraid to take the chance. with risks and all that, today, i dont think i am capable to do so much of these. but once in a while, i do. just not to be too critical on the result and to myself, i ignore whichever that i hate having, and indulge in those that i treasure finding.

what my heart would say

those minutes where i am alone, just me and my pillow. i think. a lot. i think about everything, anything. it varies from what am i doing with my life? to did i have work i did not complete?. the room is so silent, but my mind is so loud. it drives me crazy because the things i would never think about, i think about. sometimes, i hate it because it brings up things i rather never think about again. the split second before sleep is the most active second of my life, every night.

you know that place between sleep and awake?
the place where you can still remember dreaming.
that is where i will always love you.
that is where i will be waiting.

-- peter pan.

ps: how sweet if someone says this to me in times of doubt, when i am in between that state of being awake and asleep. i would have fell head over heels, in thankful gratitude and in love probably. very sweet indeed...

utterly disappointed

my thoughts tend to sound better in books i didnt write, and in the songs i didnt sing. even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way i really feel. there is a double-edge comfort in knowing that noone really knows, that borders pain. it is complicated, really.

most times, it is just a lot easier to not let the world know what is wrong...




most of the time, i tend to have high expectations and things happen to not reach those of my wants and needs. it disappoints me all the more when expectations that i have isnt so hard to reach, and the fact that i have been fed with what i would recall as comforting amount of ego all the while before makes it so much harder for me. having strangers disappoint you can be brushed off with little effort, but having loved ones, or sometimes even worse--yourself, disappointing you is utterly devastating.

shit could be worse

lately, i have been trying to make myself busy, put on nice clothes and mascara, go out and about, to keep my mind off things. i choose positive vibes for my life, and just that, when i can. well, i would try to always make it a habit. i choose my company by the beating of their hearts not the swelling of their heads. besides, i would rather forget the days we spent than try to stay afloat in shallow water. all these, sometimes, just for a peace of mind.

and every time, there is noone telling me that everything is gonna be okay. yea, maybe the occasional parental-nags telling me to get over being afraid for nothing. sometimes, even a lie would sound really good and i would feel better rather than being forced to feel okay. that was, back then, when im young and naive. now, i found out that i stopped checking for monsters under the bed when i realized they were all inside of me. it was all in my mind. and half of the time i have been scared is because i didnt want to face my own fear. having family now would mean more than just the nagging, they would be much more like a pillar of strength when im at the end of my wits. they would be a rock, where the harshest waves could break on. maybe it might not show so much, or they might not be the closest or the warmest sometimes, but that position where they stand would never ever be replaced.

she tells me im a pretty bullet

i am not confident, at times. i know i am smart, but not in a way that counts--sometimes. i have read books much better than people but i never have all the words to explain my findings. i am only as funny as i feel. well, maybe that makes it funny for others. i think horrible things about things around me and i let my emotions get the best of me, sometimes. im really not as nice as i would like to be, nor as innocent as you would think i am. i am a perfectionist, not a self-confessed one, it is in my stars. but i believe i am, sometimes. maybe. unconsciously. i am a contradiction to everything i want to stand for, sometimes. i am a big dreamer, very big indeed, but with little motivation--sometimes. i am really no good at all, on my own, sometimes. but i am analytical with myself. and i dont understand how anyone could ever be cocky or proud when they are aware of all the disgusting things that they think and do, but noone knows.


we are all broken enough to be humble. will you agree with me?

this is where the willow vines grow

some days you wake and immediately start to worry. nothing in particular is wrong, it is just the suspicion that forces are aligning quietly and there will be trouble.

i fantasize about not telling anyone and going off to some random place since like forever. i would just disappear and they would never see me again. but that has just been terrorizing my mind for years and years but has never been materialized, till now. pfft.

i do, cherish the amazing things i have in my life up to this point of time, but mostly it is made out of hard work and nothing came easy or fair--to the least. what i see, and what i felt, every single day, is that there is neglect and injustice everywhere. that disappoints me to the very core.

what is it that fuel your thoughts and passion towards a good life with good things in it? fill me in. maybe i could learn to pick up the pieces from another point of view...




ps: i realised i have been talking about the same topic since yesterday. oops!

attempting cursive

fuck reality. fuck equality. forgive my profanity now, but life is never fair and i have never expected it to be fair since the very beginning of me learning to understanding things. it is all just pure bullshit how people twisted the fact about things could be done and everybody lives happily, together. no, that does not happen. not at all times. and at times that it does, it was probably just temporary, giving you that little bit of hope of things could eventually go your way, for once. in the end, everything betrays that bit of hope you held on to, and disappoint you all the more. sadly, this is reality. and we are supposed to be aware of it.

there are only few places where i can feel absolutely safe being at. either in a bed with fresh white sheets and fluffy pillows or in the arms of people who loves me in a warm loving hug. or at my happy places. or in my own world, where my mind wanders. alone. weightless. peaceful. nobody talking. nobody pretending. just being. those are the very few places that i could, at least, feel at ease. everywhere else i get smacked in the face by arrogance, ignorance, shallowness. they knock me down and leave me bleeding on the floor. it was never pleasant.

little things that makes life worth living

falling in love. hearing your favorite song on the radio. lying in bed listening to the rain outside. milkshakes. bubble baths. giggling. long conversations late at night. the beach. running through sprinklers. laughing at an inside joke. laughing at yourself.laughing so hard your stomach hurts. laughing for absolutely no reason at all. just plain laughing. when someone tells you that you are beautiful. friends. accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. first kisses. making new friends or spending time with old ones. playing with furry animals. sweet dreams. hot chocolate. road trips with friends. making chocolate chip cookies. holding hands with someone you care about. watching the sunrise. watching a sunset. getting out of bed in the morning after sleeping in and looking out the window to see its sunny, birds are chirping, and kids are playing. knowing that somebody misses you. and many many many more.

watercolor illustration

nyc, germany, greece, austria, france!

someday, one day, i will walk on those lands where it is exactly as beautiful and full of colors and culture as pictures and words propagated everywhere! and roam around the streets where people do, even in alleys where the worse scenes are. or stay on a roof top, singing to the wind, or in our own little loft, where we could close the curtains and pretend like there is no world outside.

y i k t i a n, lets go! and paint the town(s) red!

give me a skipping rope and i will skip all day

there are so many people out there who will tell you that you cant. what you have got to do is just to turn around and say watch me! i believe that is the beauty of being yourself. if you think that doing that something you wanna do is right at that point of time, then it is. just because there wont be another moment exactly like it.


not all those who wander are lost. and i figured, not everybody who is settled, sated.

hello and goodbye

everything imaginable is real
-- pablo picasso

im sort of soft spoken and kind of sporadic but that doesnt say a whole lot because sometimes i am loud and a little unpredictable. i want to see a world of bright colors, starlight, sweet dreams, long goodbyes, quick returns and happy sighs.

we will all laugh at gilded butterflies

recently got introduced to Scott Pilgrim by a close friend (you know who you are*wink*), and it is pretty cool how the story goes. well, at least it caught my interest and i wanted to know the story on a whole. im a lot like that, the character. i think im pretty neurotic about certain things, but im starting to realize i dont really show it. most people perceive me as very calm and rational; which is true, to a certain extent.

it actually breaks me apart, when sometimes i need any reassurance from people around me and i dont get it. i may be supportive, but when i need those kind of support i cant get it. there are dependable sources, but not so much. it is utterly disappointing.

have you ever felt needy, and then thought there is just nowhere to go? pathetic as it may sound, it happens sometimes. most people would feel this, and it is normal.

xoxo

random five things*

five things you will find if you open my bag:
1. purse+mobile phone
2. lotion
3. hair band
4. lip gloss
5. keys

five things in my bedroom:
1. laptop.
2. wardrobe
3. dresser.
4. guitars
5. mess*

five things i have always wanted to do in my life:
1. be loved
2. to travel and live at different places constantly
3. to have my own places i could always decorate myself however i want it to be
4. to marry the love of my life at some point
5. to live my dreams, well yea, dream. dreams do come true!

five things that make me very happy:
1. being myself. doing the random things i like at random times.
2. having money to spend
3. being carefree and worry-less
4. being pampered
5. seeing beautiful things

five things im currently into:
1. my yiktian ♥
2. impulsive-ness. i guess this has always been in my traits. pfft.
3. tumblr-ing
4. being happy with lower expectations
5. attempting to diversify my life. okay, this sentence sounds weird. but yea, trying to do just that.

five things on my to-do list:
1. to be happy with worklife
2. to fine tune the way i conduct my daily affairs
3. to have better control of my temperaments
4. to have a to-do list that gets done *cough*
5. to be happy, generally.

five things some people may or may not know about you:
1. i bruise easily.
2. im constantly scared and worried.
3. i have very short attention span on things that dont interest me and boredom is practically a family
4. i am abnormal. with certain verifications of illnesses that i would still rather keep mum about because it is not those that would kill me but myself.
5. im scared.

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

im a person that has high highs and low lows. a lot of things make me sad. sometimes it is almost easier to be sad. but you do end up finding a balance and i think that as i get older i am learning what i can do for myself to make me happy.



it doesnt matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop.
- -confucious

things to remember*

im making a point here to make myself remember some things that i kept forgetting and makes it hard for me to breathe sometimes. so here goes;

+ everyone feels like everyone else, just not at the same time.
+ people are unpredictable
+ letting go is better than maintaining control
+ absolutely nothing good can come out of over-thinking things.

ps: seeking cuddle-partner.

criteria;
+ must enjoy cuddling*
+ lots of sweet talks and long meaningful conversations.
+ ...with naps in between.

* possibility of kisses too.



yiktian. xoxo

live life to the fullest

many interpretation on this quote by many many different people. how is it fullest? some people might have a very wholesome day from a day of not doing anything, just relaxing. how do you make yours full?

im trying to get myself to type something utterly brilliant here, but then i thought, what for? life has itself sprawled all around me that would show much more than any sentence can describe. writing about it would only make things less interesting for everybody, wont it? i have always thought that it is not how long you lived, but how much you lived your life. and by saying this i dont mean not screwing up at all living a life in the convent is a good life. great is defined differently by anybody at all, and that actually amazes me at all times. the fact that one could be living in a ditch but is having the time of his or her life? it is just freaky, but amazing. it also proves that happiness has to be genuinely from within. period.

this quote is sweet so i want to post it up here just for memory : )

...three days ago, i loathed you. i used to dream about you getting hit by a cab. then we had our little adventure up in Alaska and things started to changed. things changed when we kissed. and when you told me about your tattoo. even when you checked me out when we were naked. but i didn’t realize any of this, until i was standing alone… in a barn… wifeless. now, you could imagine my disappointment when it suddenly dawned on me that the woman i love is about to be kicked out of the country. so Margaret, marry me, because i’d like to date you.

-- the proposal

feathers&gold

all these time, i write about what matters to me and what i feel that is happening to me in one way or another. i think it shows in a lot of times, when i am upset, when i am just drifting by, or when i am just bored. it is supposed to be that way, shown in writing, right? as writing is a form of expression that it is. yet, somehow i think it should all still be subtle (pardon me for not being so subtle at times) and not transparent enough to just be a sentence in telling, but a form of art in sending off the right message. well i guess i havent quite reached that point as yet.

delete the adjectives,
then you would have the facts.
-- to kill a mockingbird

340th day

yiktian, your LGMH every single day.


today, another ordinary work-ing day plus cough and flu. pfft. some days like this, i wish i could just stay home and rot instead. wayyyy too much pressure by non-pressuring conditions. well, i dont know how you could understand that statement of mine, it just is.

happy day people!


ps: the rotting part, maybe it is exaggerated. but i wouldnt mind just being at that point of life if this is what i had to be doing every single day of my life :P

believe me. it is only just the surface you see

if u were going to see someone for the last time,

would you want to know it is going to be the last time or not?

if it was for me to say, i would want to know if it was the last. i hold back a lot sometimes, and it is good to at least know what i am to face and just say or do whatever i wouldnt be doing if it was to be just an ordinary meeting. i reckon i am a very expressive person and i do appreciate intimacy and physical connection and things like that, but at times i might not be able to voice out certain things or do certain things. it would come as a huge regret for me to not be able to convey those if i missed the only chance to do so just because i didnt know what is to expect.

having said that, i dont know what would really happen if it truly happens someday. maybe it might not be like what i just mentioned earlier on.


what about you, if posed with such question as above?