things change when i wake up

architecture is serene. quiet lines, stoic creations. something in the way his thumbs against white, blank, white. he asks me about the way i live. i ask him if it is possible to build a Parthenon atop a jagged cliff, the soil running before a foundation can ever be set.

i set my sight on a faraway dream that i dreamt of since i was a girl. it all came up to right what i have now, partially gone, partially still vaguely visible, but there is something - even the slightest hint of it exists, i feel that i am not as dead as i felt yet. and they say, if you can dream it, you can do it - right? i really hope so. i hope a lot, ya, i know. it has come to a point where i hope for everything more than engaging an action to pursue that direction that i wanted to be heading to.

things change when i wake up. i hope you are one thing that doesnt change. i hope. i hope so hard.

a lady never begs

if you never live for something, you will die for nothing. // joey elkins

breathe in, breathe out. throw yourself in the air and let it fly you to your dreams. well, i would love to do that but it is not possible unless i have the ability to literally fly. anyways, some people dream of their successes. some wakes up and works hard for their dreams. both can work, but whether it will last makes them all the more different.

you know what is the difference between men and women?

karma ):

i collect the words you say to me and wear them on a string around my neck, close to the pulse in my throat, the thump of my heart...

i want to put myself in your shoes and feel . i want you to put yourself in my shoes and walk a mile too. just so you know, darling, that this has always been a heart-to-heart affair.

for to be free is not merely to cast of one's chains, but to respect and enhances the freedom of others. // nelson mandela

when people say they believe in karma, normally they do things in their comfort zone and it is all about being safe and staying safe. this sometimes leads to suppressing our inner wants and needs just to stay in the norms. being open to possibilities, and giving yourself a breather sometimes lead to better emotional wellbeing.

one thing, always smile. (:

wander aimless

...an oral fixation to what's real.

i want to believe in it all again. music and art, fate and love. and i want to believe that i have made the right choices. and that i am on the right path and there is still time for me to fix the mistakes that i have made. and i guess i want hope.

happiness is only real when shared...

caffeine fix

for the first time (in a while), there isnt some place i would rather be, no vague notion of love or could be love attached at the end of every missing statement, or a grand encounter with possibility across my horizon.

i am not trying to bridge the gap between spaces or stretch the points on a map to give me new perspectives, counting miles on dashboards and saving ka-chings for tickets.

instead, i am just here - settled and settling - learning slowly how to build a home on stable grounds, an earth worth digging my roots into. this odd display of lights and movement no longer looking forward to the next chance to pack my bags, trying to remain and take comfort in the fact that i will continue to remain right where i am.

my heart skips a beat

...not because of joy or excitement, as the pursuit of happiness is too tough - for me.

...the ability to see beauty is the beginning of our moral sensibility. what we believe is beautiful, we will not wantonly destroy. // unknown

i dont know whether these thoughts would still be considered beautiful as i have more doubts than positivity nowadays. and he isnt helping at all by leaving me to continue thinking and staying this way alone. sometimes i wonder if i am actually seeking comfort more from my other half, or just having his existence as my other half - which doesnt serve as an actual comfort in a any way. i dont know if i have a priority to that anymore.

sugar rush

i wish i could put my thoughts in a jar and feed the hungry and poor. i think too much - but not necessarily things that bears any significance at all. thinking too much causes me to over think and analyze things i dont wanna deal with. it gets too much for me to handle and i panic. i shut myself down and go to war with myself. im tired. im sick of being tired. i dont like who i am, when i am thinking and couldnt solve something, but i have to live with it. i dont know what im doing at times. i am not fond of feeling upset. i believe nobody does. i want to be at peace with myself for all times. to be happy and think about things that doesnt send me over the edge.

fly

i heard somewhere that moving on to someone new is like moving to another country where you dont know the language - or anything much else beyond that. and it is scary, but you learn, as you did before, everything you can to make it work. you learn the way certain things move. you learn the underlying meaning in certain words. you learn the difference in the sounds that come alive during the day versus the night. you learn and learn and learn all that you need to learn. and it is like discovering a whole life you never knew about. and after awhile, you find that it isnt as hard as you thought it would be, especially when you end up falling in love unexpectedly. and when that happens, that’s when you will realize you will never want to be anywhere else but there.. with them. and suddenly it is the beginning all over again.

dear past,

...you are still searching for me in every other girl.

you wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is? i think it is waking up on a Monday morning with no complaints. it is knowing you always deserve to laugh. it is doing what feels right no matter what. it is doing what you want to, no matter how stupid you look. it is about being yourself, because nobody else can tell you that you are doing it wrong

jump&fall

courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.

there comes a point when you just love someone. not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. you just love them. it doesnt mean you’ll be together forever. it doesnt mean you wont hurt each other. it just mean you love them. sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. and you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it. // laurell k. hamilton

inside every woman's heart is a girl who dreams of a prince charming. maybe not the perfect one she imagined when she was a kid, but someone who can appreciate and love her for who she truly is and sweep her off her feet. // tere arigo

pleasant surprise

good luck for all you people trying to kick life in the ass, kill it!

i had a crazy time chasing things in a string of roundabouts. i swear, sometimes i think im just looking for things to get stressed/anxious about...

when everything is going well, i am plagued by this sense of impending doom, like im waiting for the next catastrophe; it is like, subconsciously, i think that if i spend time worrying about small, insignificant things, then that anxiety will be enough, and the universe wont give me anything worse to deal with.

...and then, when i thought i have lost every little battle within myself and letting it be - you come with this circle that promises me new hopes.

tell me what to do...

foreword / epilogue?

my love, if you are going to fall in love with me, it is only fair that you know what you are falling in love with...

you are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me (at times). you are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy (when the hormones come attacking). sometimes im horrible at keeping in touch with people; i would forget to call, to text. i change my mind way too much, i cant settle. you fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how im a hopeless romantic at heart. if you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-love-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever understand me as a person.

but, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when im with you, the way i will text you in random just telling you i hope you had a great day. you are falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things i say, and the way i blush when people ask me about you. but to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

...and we are in love from the beginning. thank god.

electric rush

...everytime i see you.

unknowing of what may happen, i will be honest. i will love with all my heart. (despite the bruises or scattered fragments) i will challenge myself. (and humanity as well) i will get to know the way my skin curves around my bones. i will learn to walk away, and what i deserve. (and dont) i will learn the way my heart gives and takes and the way my body breaks.

i will do this all, for myself. for the sake of being good to myself. xx

scarlet springs

it is amazing, some people, they just say these small little things. one sentence, and it changes the way you feel about them in an instant. small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. it changes everything, nothing in between you is ever really the same again - even if they dont know it, or never will.

what if i...

so much about this song, sincere and straight to the point. there, there is always a reason people are in your past, or going to be your past...enjoy the song. she's talented. (:

soapbox melodics

breathe you out, breathe you in

you keep coming back to tell me

you’re the one who could have been

and my eyes see it all so clear

it was long ago and far away but it never disappears

i try to put it in the past

hold on to myself and don’t look back

effing appeal

dearest boyfriend,

i am confident, but im not someone with over the top confidence. i get jealous when i see others try to talk to you in a flirty way. i often catch myself second guessing every situation in the worst way possible. it is a scary thought knowing that there are millions of people out there who have a lot more to offer than me, whether it is looks, personality or the way they present themselves. (girls will forever have this particular insecurity no matter how confident she is with herself). im selfish, i want you all to myself and i cant help it.

please understand.

love,

your girlfriend.

you got a way

you want to know what happiness is? it is waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. you turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. they breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. you smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. you turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. you feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesnt get any better than this.

you have a way of coming easily to me, and when you take, you take the very best of me. so i start a fight because i need to feel something. then you do what you want, oh, what a shame, that i aint going away. i am sitting here thinking it through, but i have never been anywhere as cold as you are. you put up walls and paint them all shades of grey, and i stood here loving you and wished them all away every other day.

...you got a way with word, with me. a way that feels like im under a spell from you and just gives my world a sugar rush without intoxication.

baby, fix me from this bad dream.

i was hiding behind a wall that i thought would never come down and pulls me apart. i continuously tried to knock it down, to break through it, but nothing ever seemed to work. i built myself up at a young age and shut myself down as the years went on. time was wearing on my skin like a cheap perfume and no matter that i did, i couldnt wash it off. now that im a little bit older, i have shed the skin that i was once trapped in; im a clean slate with new chances to start living, confidence that i have built - as a girl. that is all that i have ever really tried to do and now is as good as a time as any. i am living, and yes, i dont live by your rule!

last resort

i am angry at you!

and...im not talking to you

today & tomorrow.

ps: all day today!

pss: i still love you.

darn!

we came a long way

i hate when our schedules clash.

when you are free, im busy and vice versa.. it worries me. i just dont want our routines to change. i dont want us to drift apart. but i want you to know, regardless if im real busy. you always cross my mind, im always missing you. at the end of the day, my last thought is you.

...and i hate it when you&i become second fiddle to the other.