stern voice. pfft.

learn to let go.

how does one avoid loss in the first place? contrary to popular belief, it is not attachment that causes loss - attachment feels fine. it is detachment that hurts. learn to let go.

some suggest that to avoid loss, one should never be attached to anything. they give example of a hand in water; when the hand is removed from the water, the hand leaves no impression. these people say the reason the hand leaves no trace in the water is because the water is not attached to the hand.

everything, bad day - learn to let go.

bad people, learn to not care too much.

bad food or drinks, avoid.

all the things in between, just try.

comfy talk

today, of all days, i have been feeling a little bit more uncomfortable being myself. i thought of the story of my life, up till now - and close my eyes for a second. then i thought, there is just too much i need to do to get rid of this anxiety whether or not the world is coming to an end.

first off, it is the usual apologizing(s) - to those that i have wronged, in any way, that i have had misunderstandings with, those that i may have directly or indirectly caused sparks of indiscloseable irritance through my words, actions or thoughts, those cases of things unresolved and of things simply unknown of its salvations.

in the past, i have had been so many things. i brood good&evil in a lot of ways maybe unknown to even myself. there is just so much i would want to give, all of those in my thoughts that i most definitely know i could deliver and i did not. those are the things that sometimes propose certain discomfort from time to time, to myself. i could have done better - a sentence said by many but understood by few.

determined escape

it is a waste of space&time for me and the company that i am staying with neither of us doing each other any good. so i guess im gonna be giving way to the lot that is in waiting list to come in. well i guess it is time to just travel and go hey-ho like a pure lazy-ass for a bit. first stop - New York! wootz!

i am truly not in need to that meagre bling, neither do i need to face the wrong stares. staying on was a complete mistake holding on to barely there ego that i still think i possess.

ps : just a random rant. bad day. pfft.

without passion

i tend to overthink, overwrite, and perform all sorts of over(s).

just more, of late.

...and without much passion.

following changes

my thoughts tend to sound better in books i didnt write, and in the songs i didnt sing. even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way i feel. there is a double edge comfort in knowing that no one really knows.

my thoughts are hard to write out, or even share for that matter. in my head it all makes sense, but in my mouth, words refuse to form. it is very frustrating, and that is why i will always just smile. not mocking. just a smile and nothing more. im sorry that when im sad that i will smile. im sorry that when im upset i will still smile. i will just try my best to smile in the worst of situations. it is a whole lot easier than explaining everything or anything at all.

just so you know...

a smile, isnt always comforting or is bad-intentioned, but it is the best that i could do sometimes, better than to just make things worse.

tuesday plan!

now, now, the september plan was to surprise this little missy who gave me highs&lows on my own birthday. so she has got a similar but better (maybe) treatment from all of us friends (and her very loving bf) who sayang her.


the whole plan was really scary as all of us were really busy and schedule was tight. thank goodness everything did come together in the end. she was happy, we think. lol.

here, is what good friends did;

 the birthday girl, obviously!

the couple. part of the mastermind (boyfie of the birthday girl) and the celebrity of the day.

hmm, that day everything started pretty normal. presents were given by all of us like a normal weekday workday kinda birthday, in the office. no hanky-panky. then all throughout the day we were still trying to sort things out, hopeful that things will go smoothly as planned.

...and it did! sort of. teehee. i bet she thought it was a dinner only with her love, at this north indian restaurant we picked for the beautiful ambiance and decor. well, plus, being seated at a designated platform over-seeing the chefs making those whatdoyoucallitstuffonironsticks, gross but so naissssss.

so, anyways, happy birthday Cynthia!



cocoracha&cozmique

okay, am just so excited to blabber about my current gaming obsession;

so bear with me (again!)

so proud of having two very nice characters in dragon nest up to the highest level and is still improving the stats in less than a week. yea, that's the geeky me talking. met quite a number of very interesting and kind people who turns out to be really nice in real life, too!

i rush home from work every single day (as soon as i can get off from my pile of work, after sorting the urgencies, which to be finished and which could be postponed), just to get back to the game. consider my waking up and checks the game even before checking out my phone like i usually do (after pressing 'dismiss' on the phone, obviously), and practically drowns myself in the game the whole remaining week obsessive. i guess that the game helped, a lot, in passing time and not being emo about so many irregularities in this life, and to try not to think about the things i decided to not think anymore.

...and i think i even neglected putting my time online and thinking about this blog. well, if it is possible to have a storage of a million times more than the computer - my brain should be able to compromise to let me have fun while letting me keep my daily memories and thoughts for the longest possible time! : )

stay gold, die young

...am thinking far, but staying close to the things i hold dear to my heart. i can be myself here. i can tell the truth and never have to say, 'im fine.' i can talk freely about it, in my own words. about how even when i wake some mornings and i am content, i can still feel it tapping silently behind my heart. i know it is there, waiting for something, anything, the tiniest hiccup in my day to claw its way out and spread like cancer through the dark bits inside of me. it spreads from behind my heart, to my lungs - almost musical, it rushes to my head and then i am gone. rendered defenseless, helpless. people dont understand it. it is not an over-reaction. it is losing a battle in a long dark war. i know, ultimately i wont win this fight. i am already very tired, fighting an endless fight with the person within myself. i know someday it will take me, consume me. my heart will decide its time to stop pumping its poison through my veins. that will be the day that people know, once and for all that i wasnt as strong that they had thought.

staircase to heaven

actually, im just gonna say ignore my title. haha. im dealing with staircase in the design im assigned to now, so the title is something that i randomly thought of.


ohh, there are so many lives. how i wish i could live them concurrently, instead of one by one by one. i could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls. but i know that is not how it works. human life is a beautiful mess. i should learn to understand that mine too, is a beautiful tale.

new game, new flame.

i remember a friend once told me, he keeps grudges - and he does it passionately. he explained that once he love, he love hard. once he is offended, he goes all out with that hate, the hard way too. well, he has a lot of contradictory acts that i find not relevant to what he admit to being. well, anyways...

i guess this is where that perception differ. i am easily happy, and easily angry, but i dont dwell in it for too long, the latter. i get bored way too fast in draggy things. maybe from that, i find no meaning in being upset or storing hate for another person or thing for long. i get bored of being mad. yes, i think that is it. when boredom overcomes the madness of being pissed, it just sizzles into something unknown to me. i am just gonna leave that word, whatever word there is to describe this absurdity.

there is always gonna be a sense of shock and disbelief when you face something or someone that  has been so close to you before and when something happened (whatever it is, direct or indirectly) you totally zone out. that numbness, for me, is in resonance for some time - before i come to term with my body and brain that it is actually gonna be okay. it will be, and i will be glad that i dont know what is actually going on. the curiosity just halted to a stop, when your hearts feels that it is alright right pass an encounter.


i think you would gradually get over the pain of people coming in and out of your life. it doesnt go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with each passing day. one morning you wake up, and they are not the first thing on your mind. and then a few months down the line, you realize you have made it through half the day without thinking of them. sometimes it takes months, sometimes years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally.  you manage to do this because you dont see them, you dont hear about them, and you try not to think about them. but when you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name and the memories come flooding back. but memories also become less painful in time.


ps // im glad you have found somebody worthy of your abundant love. best wishes. sincerely.

million dollar dreams & federal nightmares

i did a quiz for fun, and these are the outcome. hmm...




Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.


The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.


Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.


The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.


Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.


The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.


How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.


What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.


Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.






...almost totally accurate, it is fun and comforting to know that some of it is actually in me.