last day of the year*

...2009!

new is the year, new are the hopes and aspirations, new is the resolution, new are the spirits, more longings and truth to be discovered...

...should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? should auld acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne...

" HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010"

glad to wish everybody many happiness, love, and all things nice to come your way with many many more happy todays and tomorrows to come. have a blessed new year and a bright new decade, from the bottom of my heart!

tomorrow!

...marks the end of the year 2009. officially, that is.

everybody is either anticipating another brand new year, thinking about the present year, sulking at the past, or just in all this for the celebration and the woo-la-lah-s.

i, on the contrary is feeling rather nonchalant about this whole changing-year-thingie this year (prolly because of the increment of age, lol) . yea, it occurs only once every year and has all the rights to be extraordinarily celebrated worldwide. but here, for me is simple and everything that matters are near. so i assume i will be crossing that very second so ordinarily normal. what extraordinary is gonna be heart-felt. not seen by the naked eye nor touched with bare hands. however, i do hope everybody would be having a great new year's eve tomorrow and be having a safe and joyful celebration anywhere you are!


cheers! xoxo

december*

...lots of things to remember, lots of things to try to forget. i have a hard time remembering the things i should remember and a hard time forgetting the things i should forget. the last month of the year is always the days to summarize the whole year. this too, is the summary of 2009.



i gave up lying but i still tiptoe around sometimes.

let the past be the past. it stays as our past because it didnt make it to our present. even when we think we have seen it all, life still can surprise us; and we still can surprise ourselves. nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. a quote i have found; "i pulled the break not because i saw something obstructing in front. i pulled the break because i feel very tired and i dont wish to drive any further..."


the difference between school and life? in school you were thought a lesson and then given a test, but in life you were most probably given a test that teaches you a lesson. there should be no such terms as careless or reckless in life, as the consequences will often be disastrous. anyhow, everything is still a once in a lifetime experience so you either bag it along the way or just walk pass it. ignorance isnt always bliss, i find. sometimes taking the risks could prove to be so much more fulfilling. not always, but yea, some of the times...

also, along the way i found that it feels so much better to be a failure at something you love, than to having success in something that you hate. weird? i know. but yea, being a failure in something you treasure or have passion for normally will make you try harder, and that failure wont hurt as bad as you working hard for something that you dont love.

have you ever thought of those things that made you laugh so hard you are practically crying, or cry so much you could drown yourself? what is that one thing that made your heart feel that burning sensation that tinged of all emotions put together? (i have so much that i dont know which to actually choose from, but for sure they are all having big impacts on me and my life today)


so, what is life to you? up to this point, that is.

half a year

...a duration that can be either long or short. i still think it is a date to remember, not emphasizing on the period of time but instead on the memories that makes up all the time in between.

this is a quote i have found on a random site the other day;

"a good relationship fosters great sex, but great sex does not necessarily foster good relationship that can last a lifetime. "

...which, i think is very true. it should explain why some marriages or relationships does not work out when it is founded upon pure lust. a good point to ponder over during low times.



so what is it for you, to make it work in a relationship? i reckon there could be more than just the overrated 'love conquers all' factor. or it could be just that. love is blind, indeed :)

christmas post

...yea, a tad late for one. but hey, the times lost; those time are good ones......!

so yea, let's start the last week of the year 2009 with some good notes here and there. there will be brand new longings and truths to seek and discover.

hope for all good things to last, and all bad issues to not stay.
christmas was all good and peaceful this year for me. how was yours? :)

should have

...known better, that it is all good.

letting go of a certain past doesnt mean giving up. for me, letting go is knowing something better could have happened instead of continuing that part of your life that aint going anywhere anymore. we all have a certain past that we would rather forget, we all have fears and insecurities that we would erase if we could. often, there are feelings of doubts and unbearable memories that cripples us. but letting go, slowly, sometimes is the only way to do it. dwelling in the past isnt going to bring us anywhere, but instead will make things worse. if we couldnt help it, why make things so hard?


there are days when things get hard and it feels so tough to go on, i grunt, i mumble negative things to myself, i curse, i sob, and things like that. but in the end, it just gets worse. and then i realize those does not help at all, but are only some personal ways to vent out anger and not hurt anybody. my way, at least, among my other things-that-makes-me-happy.



ps: work days are so tough. work is not. just the thought of work that is. *sigh* (another negative action i always do)

pps: today's christmas eve! in office it's a half day :) do have a very Merry Christmas everyone! best wishes!

this day

...is just an ordinary day, but in some months or year this day could be a really good day. this day, i am lucky to still be filling my lungs with fresh air, and smiling to people i meet. this day, too, i am very glad to have a home to go back to and spend a night in. with a day of twenty four hours to do whatever i please, with whoever i want, and however i desire is a day to be celebrated. some days, like this, is a gift. some days, like today is hard to find, for some people. today, is present, is a gift- like it is most quoted to be.


see to your left and right, somebody might need a hug. maybe not a hug, a smile would do. some days could be tough on some people. i do have my down days too, so could you. being nice couldnt hurt.


im grateful for a day like this, when i have a peaceful day with things to do and work to be done (but is yet to be done with).

some days, i could use a little kindness from somebody. someday.

day two*

...of that very sucky day of losing practically everything including my very existence in this law-filled world that i dont find any justice at all. ohhhh, dont start with that talk on survival and other craps. and also not on my stupidity or carelessness or what-so-ever. it was never meant to happen that way, and it could have happened to anyone at any given time. i quote; modernity brings a lot of convenience to the world, including the 'convenience' of the knowledge in criminology (does this word even exist?) that would kill that modernity someday.

what is it all about, this whole thing about law, survival, and crimes?

my identity just got stolen for crying-out-loud!


ps: do not, i repeat, DO NOT be careless with possessions, like me!

pps: other than the fact that im getting every thing brand new, i am still cursing the thieve right under every single breath! like, literally! XD

have a safe and happy holiday everyone! :)

just how much?

if your intention is to change yourself, you will end up right where you start. if your intention is true self-knowledge, and you are willing to let go; you will never be the same :)



women are innately self-conscious. this is not a choice; it's a gender-wide condition. what i understand by this statement is that justification and illusion cannot bring real value to false ideas any more than they can to counterfeit jewels. hmm, i wonder how many would actually appreciate women and her antics. i sometimes cant appreciate too much of myself, which is normal i guess. dont get me wrong though. i love me, but not to the extent of being narcissistic.



so, the question is;

just how much do you appreciate yourself? in case you are a guy, how much do you appreciate women?

mellow shadow*

...does it even make sense?

form is no other than emptiness. emptiness is none other than form itself. form dont hinder emptiness; emptiness is the tissue of form. therefore, emptiness isnt the destruction of form. because form is forever the flesh of emptiness. you and i are both flesh and blood. real and of pure elements. our shadows are of the most solid form of execution that we live.

nobody knows just why we're here, could it be fate, or random circumstance. at the right place at the right time, two roads intertwine...

i should be*

...taking it easy!


am trying to.

everybody is.

i should too.


...hmmm, i just realized that it all rhymed! *big smile*
rest easy; things would all fall into its rightful place sooner or later. just need a little more perseverance.

loose that*

... effing derogatory expression! i never knew there were such expressions until one day when i actually realize that in places that arent allowing foul words to be used publicly. well, that generally refers to everywhere, but yea, but places that insist on politeness is emphasized.

obscenity is nothing to be compared to when it comes to rage and hatred. it just happens, like the animal in you unleashed. i know it sounds kinda funny. but hey, this is exactly what happens when you get caught up in that moment when something really just pisses you off. how long could you hold it in, those fire within. maybe, just maybe, things could be controlled. but the possibility of any one of us succumb-ing to the test of our temperaments still exists.


what is it that makes you loose your mind?
the hot weather? effing inconsiderate motorists on the roads?


just what...?

that diary page

you*

shisha*

loud music*

soothing voices*

blooming flowers*

crashing waves*

cool breeze*

warm embrace*

sweet nothings*

meaningful conversations*

beautiful memories*




all these and all that's in between...
defines me!


i have been writing diaries my whole life. i write when im upset. i write when im happy. i write just to curse and then throw it away into the bin. i write just to pass time. i just write and write and doodle away everything. writing gives away a lot of things, and gains too. what is written could be what happened or would have happened or would be happening. writing, for me, transcends time and imagination. what i am going through now could have been written long time ago, or things could have triggered the urge to write about a passion or a feeling that is non-existent. fragile and intangible things could be potrayed by poetic means in words. things like this, happens artistically in art where the mind have no complete control of, where literally derived from the soul. the unknown, translated in writings.

though i said so, my writings isnt on any level nor of any standards in the literary world. i write, merely out of need and passion- to keep my flesh and blood sane.

still,

my diaries, kept track of me growing up. those pages, have grown up together with me. in the future when i look back and see how far i have gone and how much i have written, it is when i see that treasure of immeasurable legacy that could make me travel through time; to my past, to that me, that i have come to know so well by then...

wicked and wonderful*

...wednesday!

joy is joy. its source irrelevant. when i wake up, i can see that with a false thought also comes with false emotions. the ego uses that false emotion as a validation for and proof of the false thought. when the false thought is seen through, however, the ensuing false emotions has no more power over me.


dreams...

typical dreams and daily unconsciousness are the same in that you must wake from them to know that they are not real. typical turn off. typical reality.


i need to be aware that my feelings are Ego's way of keeping itself alive. all the emotions sums up to a fact that i am here, real in flesh and blood. that i feel.

wonderful day? i suppose...

jackie and me

i recall, that...

i once had a dog named jackie, of mixed breed and was as fragile as me. not literally. he was fierce when it comes to protecting me and the members of my family, guarded the house well enough, and was adorable to bits. i had him during kindergarten and was by his side when he breathed his last when i was seventeen. seeing him go wrecked my heart. but he was healthy all the while and lived well till the end. it was a peaceful death, so i reckon it was for the best.

my dad used to say to me everytime when a pet dog dies, (i had a lot over the years) that it was not necessary to shed tears and be depressed over a member of the family (dogs, too, or pets, we do consider as member of the family as well) if during its/his/her lifetime we have been treating right. therefore, telling me to always be kind to everyone and everything, and think twice before doing any thing at all. it breaks my heart all the more and i cried even more and sobbed and mumble under my breath, till exhaustion from the sadness caught up with me and i fell into deep slumber. it was life that was taken away, not just anything.

today,

i would still cry like nobody's business when things like this happens. or whatever that makes me sad. call me a crybaby i wouldnt care. but after the cryings, and recollection of memories, and blamings (yes, just to feel better. god gets the blame too, in the process. sorry*) and a hell load of tissue paper and running tap water (uh-huh~ wastage, i know! just once in a very looooong while you people), i figured i feel so much better remembering what my father had taught me.





that, is priceless!

the thoughts*

...that i have. before, now, always.

they mostly revolve around what makes the world ticks. it is weird really. but i am always afraid of what will happen when the world is overloaded and unable to fit anymore human beings, let alone more and more buildings and things.(is that even logical?)


im 22 and 10milllion seconds. i still spend my time daydreaming, planning overseas holidays i dont have the money for, and drawing lines. i love literary, bright colors and think that creating world peace should not only be reserved for beauty pageants. i also think that we all should be girly. then there would be less violence, and more sweet and pretty stuff. (gosh, it is just a thought) but then again, too much of the 'good' qualities prove to be outrageous sometimes when everybody would be too soft and incapable to even do the simplest necessary things then. things like the making of food (the 'killings' for daily meat etc etc etc) and repairing electronics or cars for convenience. we would still be living in hell, one way or the other. so why suffer? hmmm... the possibilities are endless, yes, but solution becomes no solution at all. pffttt~ so let us all be ourselves, but still save the world. everybody! (i sound like an overly-enthusiastic-retard)


okay,
i'd be myself. and do my part.


will you?

part of the list*

smile :)

take a long relaxing walk.

find serenity in little beautiful things. ie: roadside flower

indulge something my heart desires every once in a while and forget about the guilt.

slow down with things, sometimes.

dance like a crazy-ass during a thunderstorm on the bed.

explore the fantastic imagination and inspiration from a book.

wear a shocking-bright color that makes me feel extra-happy.

laugh genuinely hard at little ridiculous things.

watch the flow of traffic, be it human or vehicle for 5 minutes.

take deeeeeeeeeep breaths.





...these and other things i do to that keeps me sane, day by day.

Eng-Rish*

the pronunciation.

... punctuation too!

notice that all my sentences and words are not properly punctuated with apostrophes, not spelling mistakes, them. it was on purpose. i love seeing the words without their apostrophes. it looked more beautiful to me, point blank. i cant do it my whole school life, i might as well type it this way in my blog posts. i find it annoying-ly-attractive, if i could describe my obsession on apostrophe-less writings. XD



english language is beautiful !

i feel

... that i have a lot of good intentions and they all have gone awry.

... that im on constant strenuous training of the longest prevailing wit of some sort. many days i succumb to the calls of my imaginary self that asks me to just stop and listen to the beating heart.

i wish that i could just snap my fingers and all things would be bearable again. sometimes we would take consolation from our spiritual beliefs, sometimes we would get better in silence.

i have seen in every stranger, a little thing about myself. bits and pieces of what i am, and what i believe i have within me like everybody else. we share the same genes, only with different souls.


i feel,
that i am lucky to be here today. grateful, but bitter having to see others around me who are less fortunate.


look.

...and feel !

10th of Dec*

... is exactly one week after Harris's departure. it is still a shock. and i have this heartfelt anguish on why it happened so fast, in such manner. but then again, to think that he is in a better place and in better hands serve so much more a comfort. RIP Harris. you will be in my thoughts for always.

part of the weirdness today, is that i heave a heavy sigh for everything. everything seems weighted. maybe there is pressure even in the air i breathe. there is right? what seems to be a perfect day might change in a blink of an eye. i think of the next minute before the clock even finish ticking sixty seconds. i think of what i did the minute before and then sigh another time at the common mistakes i make all the time, that i could not help myself to cringe at the very embarrassment that i overlooked the details at work. Virgo? a perfectionist? not so much of one, the way i look at myself. maybe at some particular things in life. but definitely not now.

i couldnt wait for that day i become so bright, so weightless, and lived so fearlessly allowing, that the joy can have its own full life through me. i have had 'those days' before, and it went temporarily missing, that i am now seeking amidst all my shortcomings.



here's to happy days, love! :)

feliz navidad*

...prospero ano y felicidad!

god bless ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay! am recently addicted to christmas songs. all jazzy and catchy :) i hope this season's greetings bring all merry and joy to everybody like it did to me!

...in the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasure. for in the dew of little things the heart find its morning and is refreshed. i do believe that in each thing no matter what, there is some sort of blessings. so behold, non believers, cuz in time it good WILL prevail! :)

jing-aa-linggg*

...it's that time of the year again, holiday and good times. all in all, waiting for the coming of good news and new year. time indeed has gone past just like that. it does not wait. does not skip nor does it ever change. it just ticks away, second by second, and it comes to the same day every time but in different time line of our lives and in different year for everyone.


...heavenly F&B, gorgeous people, silver bells, cheerful sounds, decorated trees/buildings/things, colorful you and me.


it is december already. the first week of december. and is still counting. be happy, still, making memories while it lasts. time might still be going on and on and on and on and on forever. we should go on and on and on and on and on happily too!



cheers! :)

sweet dreams*

what does sweet dreams mean to you? is it a good sleep at night? or a deep slumber filled with pleasant serotonin-inducing events or things in dreamland? or day time memories that is comparable to that of a dream?

for me, sweet dreams means so much more than just a good night's rest. but of course, it would be a part of that whole experience, that blissful rest. having sweet dreams or a beautiful nightmare? you decide.

being decidedly picky about that i want and need, i figured, always gives me that feeling of lingering longing for a temporary high. although short-lived, each dream represents an imaginary voyage that only the mind can conceive. like poetry, dreams are the opening and closing of a door, leaving those who look through to guess about what is seen during a moment.


so

dream on, love.

a reminiscence*

some things are better left unsaid. some memories are better kept at heart. we cannot rewind, nor intervene what is gonna happen. love is so hard to find, so when you do find it--hang on to it.



girl. twenty-two. pure blood. love. HIM. need to breathe. always & forever. google-ing everything. late nights. sweet surrender. friends & family. long walks. conversations. good meal. topsy-turvy world. mountains. beach. sunshine. flowers. colors. my man's scent. moving things. the wind. raindrops. happily ever after. smiles & laughters. the idea of heaven. hugs& kisses. body contact. good times.



... and the list goes on and on and on and on and on!

good things in my life. now. hopefully in the future too. still. maybe more.

:)

fragile things*

we do, always in our days think that those things, refer to breakable substance and somehow made a belief that human are invincible because we'll try, in every way to make things go OUR way. thus, neglecting the fact that the most fragile thing is actually ourselves. we could hurt so easily. physically, emotionally, even hurt in advance or experience post-traumatic pains and stuffs. we could feel it all, and we may never know what is coming or when it is affecting us.

we all have tendencies to forget all things important sometimes and fusses over barely-there-worldly-possessions. sometimes, these things cant wait for you to catch up on them, these important ones.


i could use some fresh beginnings too, to sort out what i have left aside all the while.


we all should.


these days...

collecting memories*

i was thinking, just randomly, about what would happen when we die? it is only me, or is it normal that i always have flashes of bad things through my mind several times a day. things like awful accidents, or ugly things happening in which me or people i know are in. thank goodness none of it came true or i would have died 'seeing' those things happening and not able to do anything to prevent them.


that last moment.


that last breath.


but truth be told, we wouldnt come close to knowing unless being in that crucial state ourselves. and i bet that time it wont be a good thing at all, knowing what it feels like then.

if the universe conspires, and melt our lives into beautiful memories that we can hold on to... what would it be like?



ps: Dec 3rd R.I.P Harris Izham. you meant so much to me as a person... may the good God bless you always!

rain, pendants and guitars*

life's short.
to hell with normality!

silence. nobody listens to all those silent longings.

whispers. only nobody reacts.

what? are we living a norm that we call life? what? do you expect life to be interesting when you are living that nine to five scheduled cycle? sometimes we are all acting out of our ridiculed weaknesses. so i still think we all do, not to disregard a few courageous ones who did actually live outside the big-black-box-of-regularity that we have fallen into ever since we have grown out of our adolescence phase of curiosity and fearlessness. how pitiful are we going round and round this never-ending circle that brings us doom.

we are all living in a stereotyped world, where in everything there is a standard to it. even if it is good to you, that something could still bring negative reviews if it is already in certain category. you are happy, but nobody understands you when your feelings are out of the stereotyped response. when are we gonna really have OUR own lives when everything is not yours to be and not yours to do? i despair in all these restrictions that bring us death. law, yes, to a certain extend. and no, when it is biased and is poking fun at humanism with its truckload of reasons.

life's short.

so...

to hell with normality. again.

first of December*

can this be real?

can this be true?

am i the person i am this morning?

and are you the same you?

we are the same person we are a year ago, of course. but only living different circumstances, given the course of life we have been through as different individuals.

but how are we to be sure of what we have changed into, without looking back at decisions we have made and things we have done?

the common link between the past and the future is obviously the present, therefore seeking truth from what you see and have right now is the purest form of answer you could possibly get for the time being. no contradiction, nothing to be questioned. there are just so much to argue about in every single thing. why bother making up new ones?

the conversation need not be continued. there are no restrictions nor freedom.


just choices...

twisted mind

there are many things happening in and around us that we dont know and never will understand. there are also many kinds of people that is so ridiculous that it makes me feel so normal and sane sometimes. thank God. well, at least i do think so sometimes rather than some people who thinks they're always right and never wanted to admit. having to have known and encountered almost weird and impossible people, and things, i have come to a conclusion that life is indeed unpredictable if you just let it happen...

the eternal list*

experience.

dream.

risk.

close your eyes for once and jump. enjoy the free fall. choose exhilaration over comfort. choose magic over predictability. choose potential over safety.

wake up to the magic of everyday life. make friends with your intuition. trust your gut. discover the beauty of uncertainty. make millions of mistakes so that you will really know how to choose when you really need to, and make memories dozens at a time.

know when to hold on and when to let go. love hard and often without reservation. seek knowledge in its truest form. be open to possibilities. keep your heart open, your head held high, and your spirit free. embrace your darkness along with your light. be wrong every once in a while, and dont be afraid to admit it.

awaken to the brilliance in ordinary moments. own your reality without apology. smile and laugh without limitation.


be you...

my very own

looking clearly at our mistakes, i am finding myself doing many mistakes. some were regrettable, but not all. some were depressing and exceptionally overwhelming. not all are bad, some were just plain right! i guess some were really meant to be, making you a happier person despite all the previous falls. we are all bound to ups and downs in life, these happens to either make or break you during its course.

the events we went through pose dilemmas. are we to;

avoid the thoughts of it all?
look back at the mistakes?
be happy or sad?

happiness or sadness about these, are partly out of our control.


There are a few caveats, however.

first, sometimes what we deem "the right way" is not realistic. knowing the right way that is out of our realistic practical ability is of no use. second, since we are bound to make mistakes, much of what we need to learn is about how to handle life with our given behaviors. not merely knowing the optimal way of acting.


there is a lot of practical wisdom in learning to handle our life given our weaknesses and stupidity. not necessarily with one absolute solution. decision makings have long been a debated issue, on whether one is right or wrong. deciding on one's free will, or being influenced or made to decide on things have totally different meanings to the decisions that were made. one may talk about truth. but truth lies with both sides, since what matters is the meaning of free will rather than its technical (so called "philosophical" truth). truth is how people understand and perceive the statement, rather than its legal meaning. since most discussions of free will ignore the meaning problems mentioned above, the talk about truth is empty. truth is with the ultimate meaning of what you talk about, not in being technically right but wrong in the implications and common understanding. (aside of that, having a better life and world is clearly more important for normal persons than "truth").

i feel like...

...dancing !


let's turn on that jukebox and dance till our feet cant feel the ground anymore. it is times like this that you learn to live again. it is little things like this that makes the world go round. those little things, that makes the biggest part of you breaks down into the simplest form of feeling, happiness. we could be horribly awkward, or excruciatingly cynical, at first. either way we had only ourselves. there will always be another day, but not another you.

i appreciate subtlety a lot. though i think i have the apprehension of foreseeing certain parts of my future, the dreams, the views ahead. i still wait for it to happen. i suppose things should happen slowly, but subtly fast at the same time. i guess a part of me wants it to be perfectly within expectation, and another part wants it thrilling and wonderfully eventful. pffft. that is, the contrasting personality needs i believe most people have! aint it true? :)

them crooked vultures*

remember ;

whoever comes are the right people you were to meet in life. the garbage collector, the fruit seller, the driver of the car next to you, your beau, et cetera et cetera.

whatever happens is the only thing that could have.

whenever it starts is the right time.

when it's over, it's over. full stop.

i drink coffee like water and i still dont know what to believe in, whether coffee's good or bad. i think it is neither. i do. i still dont know how to get out of bed half the time. it's not pretty nor endearing. i just, i dreaded the waking moment whenever im having a sweet dream. i whisper secrets. i mumble. i laugh in the middle of silence because of an amusing sentence i saw on screen. i am still looking to be saved. sometimes i am so weak. sometimes i am so strong. here you go, my heart is ugly. but it could be all yours. take it or leave it. easy.

the truth according to me

it was such a coincidence that i fell right through the cracks of my own inviolability. back an forth, i trace colors of my own alter ego, and uncovers the literal opposite of things. along the way i found that damaged people are dangerous, because they know they'd survive. cuz they had, before...

some things tie your life together. invisible, but it's there. i blink my eyes, and life is rearranged. maybe in another dimension things changed. affects me here in the next minute. it is possible. just not proved. we are all subjected to change every second, every time. each movement has within itself the consequence. even the blink that was mentioned earlier on. i could have missed the very thing that is right in front of me at that particular moment. that is, according to me. how about you?

hypocrisy?

separate work and personal issues.

i cant.

why?

i simply cant. there's no 'why'.

not professional? yea, am not.

when im sad, im sad. i dwell in my sadness for a while. think. regain composure. sanity pours in. and then i get back to reality! i dont conceal my them, sadness. i dont make it a public affair neither do i crave sympathy or empathy or whatsoever-ty. i just show it as it is. i'd cry, maybe, most probably; typical. i dont exude negativity. it just happens that the sadness shines brighter than my smile at times. is it an offense?

if so, i should probably get an MC every single time im upset. because if it is so abnormal it could be a disease. dot.

telepathic dreams*

forever; was so many different things.

there are things you do because they feel right and they make no sense and they make no money and it may be the real reason why you are still here. the only thing that makes it a part of your life is that you keep thinking about it...

we dont read or write poetry because it's cute. we read or write poetry because we are members of the human race. and the human race is full of passion. and medicine, law, business, engineering, et cetera et cetera are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. but poetry, beauty, romance and love; these are what we stay alive for. love makes you hold on to things you shouldnt. but who are we to know any better?

i think all of us are like books written in ten or more languages each. all exceptionally beautiful, yet nobody could understand. no matter what people tells you, words and ideas definitely can change the world; even in whispers... dwell in possibility, my dear!

i want to change the world, but i sleep instead. i want to believe in more than you and me. but all i know now is that i am breathing, and is very much alive. something can still be done. and i suppose it is gonna start the minute after this, or maybe next year. but something is to be done. i believe in the telepathic dreams i have. i travel through it every waking hour. do you?

know this*

today isnt just another day, today is another day that im gonna create something beautiful! ♥, take me out tonight because i want to see people and i want to see lights! sometimes you gotta create what you wanna be a part of...

i found out that i can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces back together, trying to justify what couldve wouldve happened. do that, or i could just leave the pieces on the floor and move the f*ck on. there's always something tomorrow. so i'll say let's make the best of this moment, now. here comes the rest of my life...


let's find a beautiful place and get lost!
"life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated." - -Confucius




ps: i hope you can always find a reason to smile. just because, smile is beautiful :)

all that matters*

add life to your days, not days to your life. our soul is freedom. having love is power. hope exists because of the love we have. and dreams are revolutionary! what else could we ask for? this is how it works;

you are young until you are not,
you love until you dont,
you try until you cant,
you laugh until you cry,
you cry until you laugh,
and everyone must breathe,
until their dying breath.

that is how it works, for me. put your doubts and fears away. it could be such a random circumstance that we all are connected in certain ways with each other. some emotionally (blood relation, romance, friendship etc), some physically (a brush in the arm maybe), some might just be a random encounter that changes you mentally and physically. and we all could do something about that connection, in a good way. very fascinating, if we think about how it all relates to our daily life, that we just go through every single day not realizing because it has little impact on us at the moment. yet, in the long run, the future, it could be everything that affects us then...

i wonder how's mine gonna be. keep dreaming maybe...? :)

vanilla twilight*

sweet attention, love and tenderness. when it's real, is unconditional...



i love you.

that's my secret.

no hearts. no pretty drawings.
no poems or cryptic messages.

i love you.



we are all a little weird and life is a little weird. when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we'd join up with them and fall in a mutual weirdness and call it love. the heart has reasons, that reason doesnt understand...

i do*

it's complicated yet so simple.

it's funny when you think your really know yourself, that you will never lose yourself to someone else. how on one fateful day, all chemistry just came so strong wiping away all hesitation about the existence of 'knight in shining armor'. i am still... blinking. it was in a dream that i saw today. i'd wear those black eyes, any day. im still here breathing now. no matter what, i couldnt, couldnt hide the fact that i am in too deep.


it all will fall, fall right into places...

never too late*

.....to show you'll be there.


i think i have lived a well adjusted life, up until this point. doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected? believe in what happened yesterday. and trust your crazy instincts. i did. and it's awesome! today i felt suppressed, tomorrow i fly free. that is how it goes.


where are you going,
where do you go?
are you looking for answers,
to questions under the stars,
if along the way you are growing weary,
you can rest with me until a brighter day.


you are the only one that i wish to understand....

just, simple*

i went on feeling so blissfully unaware that it is already November! gosh, i got stunned for a moment that it is indeed November, the second last month of the year now. how time flies. what will become of me at the very end of the year 2009 i wonder, hard.



what have i done,

what have i gained,

what did i missed,

what did i feel?

- in all of the eleven months that has gone past just like that. well, almost passing anyway...



he is the same color as my dreams, although i know not of what it means. words couldnt do any justice, to the things that i have in my life today. what could be, in the future, i wouldnt be able to predict. but i wish i could really comprehend with all that's happening right now before moving on to whatever that'll be knocking at my door tomorrow. optimistically speaking, that would be on my mind now, and should be- for all the time.

my see-through heart?

my self-provoked symphony of emotions surfaces almost every freakin day!

...i wish I could change.

...i wish I could stop saying the same old things.

...i wish I could lose all of my blues, and stop putting my blues on you.

...i wish that my goods outweighed my bads enough.

my thoughts are like lost in the ocean. and my prides as strong as the sea. my heart is blocked by a raincloud that only thunder and rain can be seen. do you ever think there is someone out there looking over you, watching everything that you do, looking after you? i do. do you?

psychedelic*

...in my many altered states of awareness, i find that many things are very cliche to a numbing point. through my not so collected self, i see that illusions never change into something real. and that, is far more different than dreams coming true. just because dreams, they do come true! (yea. this. again) holding on to the little composure i have left, i do too, realize that a life with certain things, people, and condition is but one option out of a million.

i should have made a left turn, but i turned right. so i ended up being here but it seems just alright. it is just those things that makes me cringe. those things that make me sing. those things that make me believe. things that bring a surge of pride more than my own, with the ability to render me speechless followed by a bigger surge of fear at the depth that humbles me. just those...

no worries*

Freud believed that the sublimination of desires was responsible for civilization. there are also a lot of quotes about leaving your pride and prejudice for a better view on life itself. in my imagination, i would be living it up a little more every day without the hesitation to think too much about all the unnecessary upsetting things in life, too many of them- if you realize...


problems in life, who would consider things a problem if it was never a hard thing to go through? i guess having thoughts and knowledge somehow creates much of the problems we face today. a young person laughs like there's no tomorrow when we just frown about little things that doesnt go our way. because? all because we understand more about things, because we realize the situation when such things happen. i wouldnt believe in you that in everything there is a way of solving, but i'd never be telling you. cuz some things change here and im ready to let you go on and on and on about that whatever obsession of yours, like it would take my all my worries away. everybody has a way of letting things pass. and just seeing someone doing his/her things could ease me up, in a way without me having to think about a thing. looking everywhere only to find that it was not the way i had imagine it in my mind. it is only better to just relax and take it all in in my stride...you should too!

work*

fidget control@work
i need it! a.s.a.p! pls...

being brutally honest with myself one day, i asked 'when you walked out that door, what were you expecting at that point of time?' well, honestly i dont know...still! what do you expect out of life anyway? that you'd die with lots of awards from the world? that you would someday start producing generations of geniuses and beauties? that having your own ways and senses you'd make the whole world your adoring fans? i dont know, go figure...

dad once told me, that every living things are created in a way that we need food and water a lot of times a day so that we'll continue working and moving and making things. if we are made to eat once and can lasts for weeks or months then we wont be working our asses off to get money or keep surviving. there will be food in abundance and things will be more unappreciated? that was a brief explanation to me years ago, when i asked about the reason we have to have this cycle of life where we play, study, work, retire, then die. that was the general cycle anyway.

so, what's more to life? this life, at the very least...for those who believes in another life.

i do, i think. dont know if that is wrong, religiously speaking. but there's nothing wrong in just having a second thought about something good somewhere in another life :)

WING-less angel(s)

all. that. crap!

everybody should stop living on magnifying glass! how many of us actually pay attention to the big picture?

Sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.Being lonely, being alone, for many people...sucks; but still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. Maybe a happy ending doesn't include someone, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future.


And maybe the happy ending is just moving on.


Or maybe the happy ending is this; knowing after all the unreturned understandings, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment...you never gave up hope and waited for the sun to shine through and it is a brand new day with brand new people to meet again.

life is too short to wake up with regrets. so love the people who treat you right. forget about the ones who dont. although everybody is equal and noone is unworthy of care and love, there are just so much we can do about people who are not true and unworthy of our understandings anymore. believe everything happens for a reason. if you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. if it changes your life, let it. nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it. like i said, things wont be easy, but i just promised myself i would make it all worth while. for as long as it can be...

"Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you cant get them back."
but for a person more than a friend, i'm so gonna tie him to my heart so i never lose him, EVER!

this.is.my.side.of.the.tale...yours?

so...

common sense...is not so common nowadays.

i am unable to collect my thoughts into beautifully written sentences. let alone speak with proper tone sometimes.when exactly have i done that anyway?

even after much bickering between friends and foes, the light still shines on the indifferent wall. I find myself in the middle of an eye, watching myself in its blank stare. it was that simple. me.watching.myself.period.

losing something or someone special is a very painful experience. no matter how good or how bad that lost of connection is, it always leaves the bearers feeling blue. it is inevitable. I always think the best experiences are the spontaneous ones. being random isnt so bad. just. very. damn. random. :) and i have found my very own spontaneity. and he rocks! *grins*

okay, i know that things doesnt really relate to one another in my posts, sometimes even to each paragraphs. but whatever it is, they are conveyed. in words. english. so be it :)



carpe diem ♥

i am, me!

i was thinking about how things used to be so easy, then it dawned on me that they were never meant to be easy; but difficulties were being suppressed all along. does it make any sense to you? no? well, then too bad. just like celebrities being overshadowed by fame and attention, some people are showered by too much affection and care. it was the overprotective measures that sometimes suffocate oneself, instead of the growing with love. being overly-loved is sometimes breaking one's character, which i find very pitiful.

some people do live in non-fancy-schmanchy environment where all things come together without any over-the-top loving gestures. and some are pampered with the said actions, and cannot take a 'no' for anything. how big is the difference, actually?

everyday, we see people. different types of people, all around us. but have we really thought about how similar yet different their life is compared to ours? what i thought about when i am all alone in a crowd is that i am so much better than some people but in the same time i am so much worse also. okay, let me get this straight in better sentences. hmm, i guess that some times i just dont realize all the good things that i have in me without actually seeing others who have so much less and being in situations so much worse than me. of course, nobody would have wanted to live in anything less than another, which provokes competitions and random fights for every single thing arguable on the planet. envy-causing things makes way for radical injustice everywhere, and breaks away closeness but create gaps in society. i guess having less isnt so bad as to fighting and being an unknown monster to get what i want. maybe, i am meant to be so much less intelligent. or maybe very very very out of place because im not glamorous, or filthy rich, or drop-dead-gorgeous to fit into some kind of very formidable group of people.

ahh, it happens or not it is not for me to decide. but one thing for sure, i am left to being myself; because everybody else is taken.

:) life is, this much easier.....

take.me.away!

ever stop to think, and forget to start again? i did. and it wasnt the most pleasant experience, yet it wasnt the worst either. it feels just in between that good or bad line. i figured that in most situations, not thinking is a perfectly sane thing to do. i can fit exceptionally well in one of those times when you feel like there is like lots of people around but you just feel so at peace. well, meditation. three minutes a day would make you feel good about everything. even if the world's crushing on you that very moment. just separating myself from the rest of everything and zone off for a bit, listening to only my own heartbeat and breathing; make believe that nothing else is around is so very soothing. to me, at least.

earth is the insane asylum for the universe. so dont take life too seriously, cuz nobody will be coming out of it alive. think of it this way, consciousness as the annoying gaps between naps. then it all would have made perfect sense, no matter how very logical you are.


ha-ha-ha.

today's topic: sarcasm

copy cats.

sarcastic jerks.

frustrated, angry stares.

*rolling eyes*

their mere presence jerks me whenever and wherever. they may be vaguely aware that people do mind about their pointless sarcasm, but things never change. it is effing annoying that these people still exists! testing patience, really! ugh~ why cant people just be nice and kind and make the world a better place just by living a life?

okay, today is a beautiful day. (note the sarcastic tone)

stupid is me, to be reluctant to say 'no' to certain things that for sure would hurt in one way or another. i would give a lot to take back my spoken words sometimes. just some of the times...

sleeping on it, helps decision making. though, sleep nowadays is a luxury and it is not that overrated afterall. how i managed to really sleep without a care in the world in just months before becomes a mystery to me now. like i didnt know who i am even moments before this. see how things change.

i quote; 'change is the only permanence in the world.'

no, it doesnt count!

does facial expressions gives out on individuality and identity?


i personally doubt that. reason being appearance doesn't contribute to evidence? blame me for being illogical, or maybe stupid for that part. i don't find it a tad convincing that physical things tells the truth sometimes. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. which is true, when we consider the significance of remembering worthless crap we accumulate every single day- regardless of the importance of it all. pfft~

that, a game*?

sometime i wonder...

someone could die from heartbreak;
some people break hearts.

someone could be endlessly depressed;
some people can really be a pain in the ass and make things worse.

someone could cry a river;
some people just stand and stare. heck they'd even add a few snide remarks!

so,

...where is the gone?

...what are the rights?

...how does things happen? (i do, still question this to everything)

...why are there such things to even be mentioned about?

...what have gone wrong?



maybe, just maybe there was never an existence of the things we often make a big fuss about.

maybe it was the air all along...maybe!

happiness*

different people defines happiness differently.

these are some quotes i got from the net that i could relate to about happiness being told in different ways;


Albert Camus:

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.

Albert Schweitzer:

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

Amy Lowell:

Happiness: We rarely feel it.
I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good.

Charles Schulz:

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?

H.H. the Dalai Lama:

Consider the following. We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others' actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others' activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.

Mark Twain:

Whoever is happy will make others happy, too.

Margaret Bonnano:

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.

W. Beran Wolfe:

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator.

this one is the one i love most :)

“Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder…”– Thoreau

happiness...

some is shown externally and it radiates to the people around. some are shown through personal feelings. feel good moments that lasts a lifetime are reflected from day to day basis in the conduct, emotions and temper of a person. i personally think uplifting happiness is very helpful when there is certain uneventful moments, times that you can reminisce and smile. just because...

the reason*

one thing happens after another, and one linked to another, and voila; the mixture of sugar sweetness and cold blooded-ness. marriage lets you annoy one special person, for the rest of your life. ;) this is too cute! well, not the part about annoying, but the combination of the annoyer and the one being annoyed is amusing to me.

there will come a day when you feel like shit, and you will wanna give up on this life and everything else. when that day arrives, save yourself some trouble and dont do a single thing. just breathe*. love is the slowest form of suicide, but the dying the most beautiful death. this is, subjective of course given the fact that noone in the right mind would have actually anticipate death.

l.o.v.e. is just a word, until you have found someone that gives it definition. often, we tend to despair when the people we love leaves us. but the truth is, they never left until you choose to leave the spaces blank in your mind where they belong. love, is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them enough not to.


isn't it funny, when in most girl's profile it is usually about that one boy. but in some boys', there are other girls...



still,

l.o.v.e.


*sigh*

visible doubts*?

...like the Aurora light,
i am shining bright, brighter than the November skies!

i couldnt comprehend well with permanence in life. maybe it's a weakness, but it could be a blessing too. for me, things are far more than what the senses can absorb. i am delicate, i am fragile. but nonetheless i cast shadows too; everywhere i go!

i have the longings, and wants truth to seek and discover myself and all that is within my reach. i've always wanted a simple life. how simple you'd ask. well, it's penniless simple. where everything is like Adam and Eve. i know*! it is radically amusing and is almost impossible even to describe, now, today. but still, i wish there will be more to life...

next year TOday*?

what can you possibly do, when the world turns its back on you?

what can you tell, from the ever changing world that some things just doesnt change?

what was meant to be, if the meaning was never given and was never there to be found?

Too much of anything can make you sick. Even the good can be a curse. Makes it hard to know which road to go down. Knowing too much can get you hurt.bad...


Is it better?
Is it worse?
Are we sitting in reverse?


It's just like we're going backwards...


I know where I want this to go
Driving fast but lets go slow
What I don't want to do is crash, no!


Just know that you're not in this thing alone. There's always a place in me that you can call home. Whenever you feel like we're growing apart. Lets just go back, back, back, back, back to the start...


" Wo men de ai; Guo le jiu bu zai hui lai..."
quote: F.I.R.

lost and found*

the thing about being nonchalant is that i'd say, i'll have a time-lag for everything. this attitude would bring slow appreciations towards all things good or bad, big or small. well, appreciation comes in a lot of different forms though. and having to see things slowly and all, good thing is that you'd look through everything and likes what you see. the down side is that it takes up too much time, and by the time you start appreciating--things changed or is already gone.


people have formulas for almost everything on the face of the earth. we not only find solutions, but i do find that we actually make things a tad more complicated by thinking alone. the act of thinking makes things more difficult before things are being sorted out. EVERYTHING needs an overhaul, often. cuz all things break and fall; sooner or later!


incorrigible differences are meant to be that way! forcing things to work is just a waste of time, or rather, time fooling us all along...