last day of the year*

...2009!

new is the year, new are the hopes and aspirations, new is the resolution, new are the spirits, more longings and truth to be discovered...

...should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? should auld acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne...

" HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010"

glad to wish everybody many happiness, love, and all things nice to come your way with many many more happy todays and tomorrows to come. have a blessed new year and a bright new decade, from the bottom of my heart!

tomorrow!

...marks the end of the year 2009. officially, that is.

everybody is either anticipating another brand new year, thinking about the present year, sulking at the past, or just in all this for the celebration and the woo-la-lah-s.

i, on the contrary is feeling rather nonchalant about this whole changing-year-thingie this year (prolly because of the increment of age, lol) . yea, it occurs only once every year and has all the rights to be extraordinarily celebrated worldwide. but here, for me is simple and everything that matters are near. so i assume i will be crossing that very second so ordinarily normal. what extraordinary is gonna be heart-felt. not seen by the naked eye nor touched with bare hands. however, i do hope everybody would be having a great new year's eve tomorrow and be having a safe and joyful celebration anywhere you are!


cheers! xoxo

december*

...lots of things to remember, lots of things to try to forget. i have a hard time remembering the things i should remember and a hard time forgetting the things i should forget. the last month of the year is always the days to summarize the whole year. this too, is the summary of 2009.



i gave up lying but i still tiptoe around sometimes.

let the past be the past. it stays as our past because it didnt make it to our present. even when we think we have seen it all, life still can surprise us; and we still can surprise ourselves. nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. a quote i have found; "i pulled the break not because i saw something obstructing in front. i pulled the break because i feel very tired and i dont wish to drive any further..."


the difference between school and life? in school you were thought a lesson and then given a test, but in life you were most probably given a test that teaches you a lesson. there should be no such terms as careless or reckless in life, as the consequences will often be disastrous. anyhow, everything is still a once in a lifetime experience so you either bag it along the way or just walk pass it. ignorance isnt always bliss, i find. sometimes taking the risks could prove to be so much more fulfilling. not always, but yea, some of the times...

also, along the way i found that it feels so much better to be a failure at something you love, than to having success in something that you hate. weird? i know. but yea, being a failure in something you treasure or have passion for normally will make you try harder, and that failure wont hurt as bad as you working hard for something that you dont love.

have you ever thought of those things that made you laugh so hard you are practically crying, or cry so much you could drown yourself? what is that one thing that made your heart feel that burning sensation that tinged of all emotions put together? (i have so much that i dont know which to actually choose from, but for sure they are all having big impacts on me and my life today)


so, what is life to you? up to this point, that is.

half a year

...a duration that can be either long or short. i still think it is a date to remember, not emphasizing on the period of time but instead on the memories that makes up all the time in between.

this is a quote i have found on a random site the other day;

"a good relationship fosters great sex, but great sex does not necessarily foster good relationship that can last a lifetime. "

...which, i think is very true. it should explain why some marriages or relationships does not work out when it is founded upon pure lust. a good point to ponder over during low times.



so what is it for you, to make it work in a relationship? i reckon there could be more than just the overrated 'love conquers all' factor. or it could be just that. love is blind, indeed :)

christmas post

...yea, a tad late for one. but hey, the times lost; those time are good ones......!

so yea, let's start the last week of the year 2009 with some good notes here and there. there will be brand new longings and truths to seek and discover.

hope for all good things to last, and all bad issues to not stay.
christmas was all good and peaceful this year for me. how was yours? :)

should have

...known better, that it is all good.

letting go of a certain past doesnt mean giving up. for me, letting go is knowing something better could have happened instead of continuing that part of your life that aint going anywhere anymore. we all have a certain past that we would rather forget, we all have fears and insecurities that we would erase if we could. often, there are feelings of doubts and unbearable memories that cripples us. but letting go, slowly, sometimes is the only way to do it. dwelling in the past isnt going to bring us anywhere, but instead will make things worse. if we couldnt help it, why make things so hard?


there are days when things get hard and it feels so tough to go on, i grunt, i mumble negative things to myself, i curse, i sob, and things like that. but in the end, it just gets worse. and then i realize those does not help at all, but are only some personal ways to vent out anger and not hurt anybody. my way, at least, among my other things-that-makes-me-happy.



ps: work days are so tough. work is not. just the thought of work that is. *sigh* (another negative action i always do)

pps: today's christmas eve! in office it's a half day :) do have a very Merry Christmas everyone! best wishes!

this day

...is just an ordinary day, but in some months or year this day could be a really good day. this day, i am lucky to still be filling my lungs with fresh air, and smiling to people i meet. this day, too, i am very glad to have a home to go back to and spend a night in. with a day of twenty four hours to do whatever i please, with whoever i want, and however i desire is a day to be celebrated. some days, like this, is a gift. some days, like today is hard to find, for some people. today, is present, is a gift- like it is most quoted to be.


see to your left and right, somebody might need a hug. maybe not a hug, a smile would do. some days could be tough on some people. i do have my down days too, so could you. being nice couldnt hurt.


im grateful for a day like this, when i have a peaceful day with things to do and work to be done (but is yet to be done with).

some days, i could use a little kindness from somebody. someday.

day two*

...of that very sucky day of losing practically everything including my very existence in this law-filled world that i dont find any justice at all. ohhhh, dont start with that talk on survival and other craps. and also not on my stupidity or carelessness or what-so-ever. it was never meant to happen that way, and it could have happened to anyone at any given time. i quote; modernity brings a lot of convenience to the world, including the 'convenience' of the knowledge in criminology (does this word even exist?) that would kill that modernity someday.

what is it all about, this whole thing about law, survival, and crimes?

my identity just got stolen for crying-out-loud!


ps: do not, i repeat, DO NOT be careless with possessions, like me!

pps: other than the fact that im getting every thing brand new, i am still cursing the thieve right under every single breath! like, literally! XD

have a safe and happy holiday everyone! :)

just how much?

if your intention is to change yourself, you will end up right where you start. if your intention is true self-knowledge, and you are willing to let go; you will never be the same :)



women are innately self-conscious. this is not a choice; it's a gender-wide condition. what i understand by this statement is that justification and illusion cannot bring real value to false ideas any more than they can to counterfeit jewels. hmm, i wonder how many would actually appreciate women and her antics. i sometimes cant appreciate too much of myself, which is normal i guess. dont get me wrong though. i love me, but not to the extent of being narcissistic.



so, the question is;

just how much do you appreciate yourself? in case you are a guy, how much do you appreciate women?

mellow shadow*

...does it even make sense?

form is no other than emptiness. emptiness is none other than form itself. form dont hinder emptiness; emptiness is the tissue of form. therefore, emptiness isnt the destruction of form. because form is forever the flesh of emptiness. you and i are both flesh and blood. real and of pure elements. our shadows are of the most solid form of execution that we live.

nobody knows just why we're here, could it be fate, or random circumstance. at the right place at the right time, two roads intertwine...

i should be*

...taking it easy!


am trying to.

everybody is.

i should too.


...hmmm, i just realized that it all rhymed! *big smile*
rest easy; things would all fall into its rightful place sooner or later. just need a little more perseverance.

loose that*

... effing derogatory expression! i never knew there were such expressions until one day when i actually realize that in places that arent allowing foul words to be used publicly. well, that generally refers to everywhere, but yea, but places that insist on politeness is emphasized.

obscenity is nothing to be compared to when it comes to rage and hatred. it just happens, like the animal in you unleashed. i know it sounds kinda funny. but hey, this is exactly what happens when you get caught up in that moment when something really just pisses you off. how long could you hold it in, those fire within. maybe, just maybe, things could be controlled. but the possibility of any one of us succumb-ing to the test of our temperaments still exists.


what is it that makes you loose your mind?
the hot weather? effing inconsiderate motorists on the roads?


just what...?

that diary page

you*

shisha*

loud music*

soothing voices*

blooming flowers*

crashing waves*

cool breeze*

warm embrace*

sweet nothings*

meaningful conversations*

beautiful memories*




all these and all that's in between...
defines me!


i have been writing diaries my whole life. i write when im upset. i write when im happy. i write just to curse and then throw it away into the bin. i write just to pass time. i just write and write and doodle away everything. writing gives away a lot of things, and gains too. what is written could be what happened or would have happened or would be happening. writing, for me, transcends time and imagination. what i am going through now could have been written long time ago, or things could have triggered the urge to write about a passion or a feeling that is non-existent. fragile and intangible things could be potrayed by poetic means in words. things like this, happens artistically in art where the mind have no complete control of, where literally derived from the soul. the unknown, translated in writings.

though i said so, my writings isnt on any level nor of any standards in the literary world. i write, merely out of need and passion- to keep my flesh and blood sane.

still,

my diaries, kept track of me growing up. those pages, have grown up together with me. in the future when i look back and see how far i have gone and how much i have written, it is when i see that treasure of immeasurable legacy that could make me travel through time; to my past, to that me, that i have come to know so well by then...

wicked and wonderful*

...wednesday!

joy is joy. its source irrelevant. when i wake up, i can see that with a false thought also comes with false emotions. the ego uses that false emotion as a validation for and proof of the false thought. when the false thought is seen through, however, the ensuing false emotions has no more power over me.


dreams...

typical dreams and daily unconsciousness are the same in that you must wake from them to know that they are not real. typical turn off. typical reality.


i need to be aware that my feelings are Ego's way of keeping itself alive. all the emotions sums up to a fact that i am here, real in flesh and blood. that i feel.

wonderful day? i suppose...

jackie and me

i recall, that...

i once had a dog named jackie, of mixed breed and was as fragile as me. not literally. he was fierce when it comes to protecting me and the members of my family, guarded the house well enough, and was adorable to bits. i had him during kindergarten and was by his side when he breathed his last when i was seventeen. seeing him go wrecked my heart. but he was healthy all the while and lived well till the end. it was a peaceful death, so i reckon it was for the best.

my dad used to say to me everytime when a pet dog dies, (i had a lot over the years) that it was not necessary to shed tears and be depressed over a member of the family (dogs, too, or pets, we do consider as member of the family as well) if during its/his/her lifetime we have been treating right. therefore, telling me to always be kind to everyone and everything, and think twice before doing any thing at all. it breaks my heart all the more and i cried even more and sobbed and mumble under my breath, till exhaustion from the sadness caught up with me and i fell into deep slumber. it was life that was taken away, not just anything.

today,

i would still cry like nobody's business when things like this happens. or whatever that makes me sad. call me a crybaby i wouldnt care. but after the cryings, and recollection of memories, and blamings (yes, just to feel better. god gets the blame too, in the process. sorry*) and a hell load of tissue paper and running tap water (uh-huh~ wastage, i know! just once in a very looooong while you people), i figured i feel so much better remembering what my father had taught me.





that, is priceless!

the thoughts*

...that i have. before, now, always.

they mostly revolve around what makes the world ticks. it is weird really. but i am always afraid of what will happen when the world is overloaded and unable to fit anymore human beings, let alone more and more buildings and things.(is that even logical?)


im 22 and 10milllion seconds. i still spend my time daydreaming, planning overseas holidays i dont have the money for, and drawing lines. i love literary, bright colors and think that creating world peace should not only be reserved for beauty pageants. i also think that we all should be girly. then there would be less violence, and more sweet and pretty stuff. (gosh, it is just a thought) but then again, too much of the 'good' qualities prove to be outrageous sometimes when everybody would be too soft and incapable to even do the simplest necessary things then. things like the making of food (the 'killings' for daily meat etc etc etc) and repairing electronics or cars for convenience. we would still be living in hell, one way or the other. so why suffer? hmmm... the possibilities are endless, yes, but solution becomes no solution at all. pffttt~ so let us all be ourselves, but still save the world. everybody! (i sound like an overly-enthusiastic-retard)


okay,
i'd be myself. and do my part.


will you?

part of the list*

smile :)

take a long relaxing walk.

find serenity in little beautiful things. ie: roadside flower

indulge something my heart desires every once in a while and forget about the guilt.

slow down with things, sometimes.

dance like a crazy-ass during a thunderstorm on the bed.

explore the fantastic imagination and inspiration from a book.

wear a shocking-bright color that makes me feel extra-happy.

laugh genuinely hard at little ridiculous things.

watch the flow of traffic, be it human or vehicle for 5 minutes.

take deeeeeeeeeep breaths.





...these and other things i do to that keeps me sane, day by day.

Eng-Rish*

the pronunciation.

... punctuation too!

notice that all my sentences and words are not properly punctuated with apostrophes, not spelling mistakes, them. it was on purpose. i love seeing the words without their apostrophes. it looked more beautiful to me, point blank. i cant do it my whole school life, i might as well type it this way in my blog posts. i find it annoying-ly-attractive, if i could describe my obsession on apostrophe-less writings. XD



english language is beautiful !

i feel

... that i have a lot of good intentions and they all have gone awry.

... that im on constant strenuous training of the longest prevailing wit of some sort. many days i succumb to the calls of my imaginary self that asks me to just stop and listen to the beating heart.

i wish that i could just snap my fingers and all things would be bearable again. sometimes we would take consolation from our spiritual beliefs, sometimes we would get better in silence.

i have seen in every stranger, a little thing about myself. bits and pieces of what i am, and what i believe i have within me like everybody else. we share the same genes, only with different souls.


i feel,
that i am lucky to be here today. grateful, but bitter having to see others around me who are less fortunate.


look.

...and feel !

10th of Dec*

... is exactly one week after Harris's departure. it is still a shock. and i have this heartfelt anguish on why it happened so fast, in such manner. but then again, to think that he is in a better place and in better hands serve so much more a comfort. RIP Harris. you will be in my thoughts for always.

part of the weirdness today, is that i heave a heavy sigh for everything. everything seems weighted. maybe there is pressure even in the air i breathe. there is right? what seems to be a perfect day might change in a blink of an eye. i think of the next minute before the clock even finish ticking sixty seconds. i think of what i did the minute before and then sigh another time at the common mistakes i make all the time, that i could not help myself to cringe at the very embarrassment that i overlooked the details at work. Virgo? a perfectionist? not so much of one, the way i look at myself. maybe at some particular things in life. but definitely not now.

i couldnt wait for that day i become so bright, so weightless, and lived so fearlessly allowing, that the joy can have its own full life through me. i have had 'those days' before, and it went temporarily missing, that i am now seeking amidst all my shortcomings.



here's to happy days, love! :)

feliz navidad*

...prospero ano y felicidad!

god bless ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay! am recently addicted to christmas songs. all jazzy and catchy :) i hope this season's greetings bring all merry and joy to everybody like it did to me!

...in the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasure. for in the dew of little things the heart find its morning and is refreshed. i do believe that in each thing no matter what, there is some sort of blessings. so behold, non believers, cuz in time it good WILL prevail! :)

jing-aa-linggg*

...it's that time of the year again, holiday and good times. all in all, waiting for the coming of good news and new year. time indeed has gone past just like that. it does not wait. does not skip nor does it ever change. it just ticks away, second by second, and it comes to the same day every time but in different time line of our lives and in different year for everyone.


...heavenly F&B, gorgeous people, silver bells, cheerful sounds, decorated trees/buildings/things, colorful you and me.


it is december already. the first week of december. and is still counting. be happy, still, making memories while it lasts. time might still be going on and on and on and on and on forever. we should go on and on and on and on and on happily too!



cheers! :)

sweet dreams*

what does sweet dreams mean to you? is it a good sleep at night? or a deep slumber filled with pleasant serotonin-inducing events or things in dreamland? or day time memories that is comparable to that of a dream?

for me, sweet dreams means so much more than just a good night's rest. but of course, it would be a part of that whole experience, that blissful rest. having sweet dreams or a beautiful nightmare? you decide.

being decidedly picky about that i want and need, i figured, always gives me that feeling of lingering longing for a temporary high. although short-lived, each dream represents an imaginary voyage that only the mind can conceive. like poetry, dreams are the opening and closing of a door, leaving those who look through to guess about what is seen during a moment.


so

dream on, love.

a reminiscence*

some things are better left unsaid. some memories are better kept at heart. we cannot rewind, nor intervene what is gonna happen. love is so hard to find, so when you do find it--hang on to it.



girl. twenty-two. pure blood. love. HIM. need to breathe. always & forever. google-ing everything. late nights. sweet surrender. friends & family. long walks. conversations. good meal. topsy-turvy world. mountains. beach. sunshine. flowers. colors. my man's scent. moving things. the wind. raindrops. happily ever after. smiles & laughters. the idea of heaven. hugs& kisses. body contact. good times.



... and the list goes on and on and on and on and on!

good things in my life. now. hopefully in the future too. still. maybe more.

:)

fragile things*

we do, always in our days think that those things, refer to breakable substance and somehow made a belief that human are invincible because we'll try, in every way to make things go OUR way. thus, neglecting the fact that the most fragile thing is actually ourselves. we could hurt so easily. physically, emotionally, even hurt in advance or experience post-traumatic pains and stuffs. we could feel it all, and we may never know what is coming or when it is affecting us.

we all have tendencies to forget all things important sometimes and fusses over barely-there-worldly-possessions. sometimes, these things cant wait for you to catch up on them, these important ones.


i could use some fresh beginnings too, to sort out what i have left aside all the while.


we all should.


these days...

collecting memories*

i was thinking, just randomly, about what would happen when we die? it is only me, or is it normal that i always have flashes of bad things through my mind several times a day. things like awful accidents, or ugly things happening in which me or people i know are in. thank goodness none of it came true or i would have died 'seeing' those things happening and not able to do anything to prevent them.


that last moment.


that last breath.


but truth be told, we wouldnt come close to knowing unless being in that crucial state ourselves. and i bet that time it wont be a good thing at all, knowing what it feels like then.

if the universe conspires, and melt our lives into beautiful memories that we can hold on to... what would it be like?



ps: Dec 3rd R.I.P Harris Izham. you meant so much to me as a person... may the good God bless you always!

rain, pendants and guitars*

life's short.
to hell with normality!

silence. nobody listens to all those silent longings.

whispers. only nobody reacts.

what? are we living a norm that we call life? what? do you expect life to be interesting when you are living that nine to five scheduled cycle? sometimes we are all acting out of our ridiculed weaknesses. so i still think we all do, not to disregard a few courageous ones who did actually live outside the big-black-box-of-regularity that we have fallen into ever since we have grown out of our adolescence phase of curiosity and fearlessness. how pitiful are we going round and round this never-ending circle that brings us doom.

we are all living in a stereotyped world, where in everything there is a standard to it. even if it is good to you, that something could still bring negative reviews if it is already in certain category. you are happy, but nobody understands you when your feelings are out of the stereotyped response. when are we gonna really have OUR own lives when everything is not yours to be and not yours to do? i despair in all these restrictions that bring us death. law, yes, to a certain extend. and no, when it is biased and is poking fun at humanism with its truckload of reasons.

life's short.

so...

to hell with normality. again.

first of December*

can this be real?

can this be true?

am i the person i am this morning?

and are you the same you?

we are the same person we are a year ago, of course. but only living different circumstances, given the course of life we have been through as different individuals.

but how are we to be sure of what we have changed into, without looking back at decisions we have made and things we have done?

the common link between the past and the future is obviously the present, therefore seeking truth from what you see and have right now is the purest form of answer you could possibly get for the time being. no contradiction, nothing to be questioned. there are just so much to argue about in every single thing. why bother making up new ones?

the conversation need not be continued. there are no restrictions nor freedom.


just choices...