1 year, 10 months. today.

it was like he the opposite male version of me, if i was to be a boy.

i wonder why some thought it might be a match made in heaven but it was far from that. i sat there on across him and shared stories of my past and present and opinions that were similar but different — different enough to make you question any possibility of having this conversation in any other way or time. how on earth can i care for someone so deeply, and yet hate him so much at once - for messing around with my emotions all the time! i could not in any way fathom why when i spend my nights awake wondering why i am hurting, when i am the happiest i have ever been sometimes. it is ridiculous, really, how it has become.

...all these mixed feelings, love&hatred, and more - you still have a hold of this heart. today, and hopefully still counting, darling.

happy monthsary, my dearest yiktian!

precious (: unintentionally yours

she unintentionally broke his heart. isnt it always unintentional? except you would think she should have known better, she shouldnt have done this or that, but the fact is that she didnt do anything at all except let it run its’ course into the wall she was secretly building behind those captivating eyes he fell for, unaware of the danger ahead. but maybe he should have known better instead of diving into love so quickly, so carelessly. either way, regardless of what they should have known deep down inside their minds — they had to go with how they truly felt inside their hearts.

...love?

maybe, someday.

...and maybe someday we will figure all this out, try to put an end to all our doubts. and try to find a way to make things better now that maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud. we'll be better off somehow, someday.

so i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we’ll never know most of them. but even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them. ~the perks of being a wallflower

pretty please

talks go on as far as good times go. what do we do when bad times come? nobody likes to pick fight, why is it that a conversation always misunderstood to be another way to pick fight? one word leads to a yell, and that yell breaks all bonds built the previous year - and more. do you realize?

...the way you make me feel is unlike anything i have ever experienced before. you make me feel like i am dying and flying and living and that my heart just stopped beating but yet is pumping ninety miles per hour all in one moment. you make me feel invisible but vulnerable, but like nothing could ever bring me down. you make me feel like i am free, and yet trapped by your every move. you leave me breathless, and yet are the only thing that keeps me breathing. you control my every thought, movement, heartbeat. you have got me, all of me, and that is all i can give.

this confusion

i wont give up on you. not yet. and if you decide to leave now, it is alright. i will hold on because what we have is worth the wait. perhaps we rushed through it. perhaps we needed a break. but i will be waiting. and if, in the end it proves not to have been worth it - well at least i have tried.

...but, you are not leaving, maybe i am the one who wants to go away - for a while. just saying.

darling, having said that you laid your plans for the rest of your life, our lives together, do you actually know what you want and what you have are so underestimated sometimes?

indulgence

i wonder a lot about what goes on in your head and wish that i could figure you out. the problem is, i dont know what goes on inside my head some days.

i am a girl, to say this is to merely state the obvious. but when im a girl, my life is like music that is always getting louder. everything moved me, affects my life, my emotions, my very being. a homeless dog following a stranger. that made me feel so much. a calendar that showed the wrong month, i could have cried over it. that, is how crippling these feeling are making me sometimes.

i spent a lot of time trying to feel less. to be less sensitive. to just not feel, at all. but all these, to no avail, most of the times.

everyday i feel less. is that growing old? or is it something worse? i found that you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness. this, i find is most realistic to what i am feeling right now.

...indulgence of feelings.

a reminder

i hope i will never have to say this to anybody in my life. but this song somehow makes me feel like i deserve more. just so you know.

lust doesnt just refer to another individual in the picture, it could be lust of worldly treasures and that sort of things. we have seen and lost a lot of loved ones, people, to these very convincing lures. darling, i truly hope you are stronger than that.

blue moons & stars

i got to thinking about fate. that crazy concept that we’re not really responsible for the course our lives take. that it’s all predestined, written in the stars. maybe that explains why, if you live in a city, where you can’t even see the stars, your love life tends to feel a little more random. and even if our every man, every kiss, every heartache, is pre-ordered from some cosmic catalogue, can we still take a wrong step and wander off our own personal milky way? i couldn’t help but wonder, can you make a mistake and miss your fate?

- sex and the city

my wonderwall

time passes. even when it seems impossible. even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. it passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. even for me.

just this

because i want to

i collect so i dont forget. i pick up receipts and lists and scribbles on floorboards. i collect old things left behind and new things forgotten, hoarding them all inside a secret compartment besides my bookshelf. i collect lives of strangers that i have never met because there is something so prepossessing about lives i have never known; something that intrigues me so thoroughly. i will pick up empty metro cards and write down destinations on the back, because someone out there was going elsewhere, because they needed to get away, because they needed to go back. i collect books because there are stories that i want to read, people i want to meet, lives that i want to live. i collect books because there are millions of people holding their breaths between the bindings, waiting to blink against the light of new minds. i collect words because i love them, because i cusp them between my palms and drink them in, let them coat my throat, seep into my lungs, travel through my veins. i collect so i can become; so that i can be pieces of people that i believe in so fervently.

...today, i am me. but a different me, i believe. i believe i change. i change every single day.

do you? do you want to?

there is a world on the other side

huney, you anchor me when i starts to float and have no direction whatsoever. holding me close, and softly whisper words of comfort. those are the things i feel most convinced about, that i am truly real at that very moment - and happy, not in any other way.

i feel like a feather in the wind, that nothing could break me anymore. i could withstand any hurt, in any ways; when you are near. that emotional strength is the most that i need. it is strange, that you made it clear that i am right about not needing physical strength and violence to feel protected. there you are, when i needed you most. that, is more important than anything else in the whole wide world.

there is a world, on the other side that we could be. just us...

the way i get myself to forget

you are brighter than the stars, believe me when i say that you are the light of my life. my dear, there is just no need for words when you truly understand this from the heart. i am, in every single way adoring you with my whole being but that doesnt really mean i am letting you trample all over me without self-control. just saying.

i have tried to tell the world that doesnt exist in order to make it exist. the joy of familiar distance. the peace of familiar restlessness. as during high fevers, the delight of feeling nothing.

i have tried to keep the world at a distance. it has been easy. im used to keeping the world at a distance. i am strange. at times i am strange. that way i forget the world. the way i vent by crying and raging, all to myself. that way, my world becomes white and inconsequential.

...and i wander where i will. and i stand completely still. that way i get used to being dead - for all that is worth. for me to lay still and not be understood but not to be saddened by the fact that i am not being understood, at all.

mirabile dictu

by this time, you are here, sitting in front of your computer. surfing the net, chatting - maybe, or working. in short, enjoying and savoring every opportunity that life can give you. drinking clean and safe water, experiencing internet and electricity. you are having the best of life, like really.

but also, by this time, someone is dying. by this time, someone suffers hunger and thirst. by this time, someone is crying because he or she has a terrible sickness. by this time, a family of ten is eating salt and rice. by this time, a family is sleeping at the cold, wet street. by this time, someone is under prostitution to earn a living. by this time, a child has just passed away because of abortion. and by this time, you are here, sitting in front of the computer typing or reading away.

if we feel that life gives us a fuck, remember, we are still lucky to have this kind of life. be thankful, for if you think you are unlucky, try to look around you and you will see the reality that the other people is facing right now.

like boomerang

stop assuming, start believing. i think this is exactly what i should be doing from now on. it has always been fate, that anything started at all. many things happened, and will continue happening. it is through all this that we actually experience life. without ups&downs i guess we are just living dead, yes?

ethereal

some things stay for always. some things just dont. they come into your life like a breeze and before you know it, it disappears. only in secret sanctuary, memories stay - and forever it stays, in the heart that is unbreakable.

why oh why

the paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeway but narrower viewpoints. we spend more, but have less; we buy more but enjoy less. we have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences but less time. we have more degrees but less senses. more knowledge, but less judgment. more experts, yet more problems. more medicine, but less wellness.

people drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch too much tv, amd pray too seldom - for whatever it is. we multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. we talked too much, love too seldom, and hate too often - generally, people do. right?

we have learned how to make a living, but not a life. we have added years to life, not life to years. we have been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor or friend. we conquered outer space but not our inner self.

people have done larger things, but not better things. we have cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. we have conquered the atom, but not our basic prejudices.

who are we, today?

something's missing

whenever i come back , peeked through the windows and see the sky smiling bright back at me. passing through unconscious states, i reckon there is just as many lost thoughts as new thoughts in my head every moment. i dont see why we should get all uptight about things, partially going so well as we just laughed and hugged and held hands. i think we should continue doing this for eternity. it just felt so right. but yes, so wrong, and we just dont know why fate is just like that. makes you think, but thinking doesnt really brings you to a new level and changes a frown to a smile. we smile because we can, and not the other way round.

something is missing right now. i think it is you.

constellation

i guess sometimes, when being mad at something trivial i get to really pinpoint what i actually see. people are not what we really see. things like seeing one thing, and being one thing totally exists. we turn to a lot of different mediums to get our thoughts straight or to get them to be understood. but what are we looking for actually? we look at the stars for guidance, we seek the moon for refuge. in the end, does it even comfort us even a little bit?

cocktails, dinner & dancing

it is effin april already!

...and we thought there is eternity ahead of us. oh gosh. who are we fooling here huh? life just dont get easier. everyday is a struggle. everyday is a battle. it doesnt get easier with time. in fact, it gets harder. the secret is finding someone who is willing to work with you and who will push you, challenge you, makes it harder for you to leave and give up. the beauty is in the struggle.

we need to be hurt once in a while. (not that i am even a bit fond of being hurt, but i really think it is necessary in ways to truly appreciate) how else will we learn not to make the same mistakes? we need to get left outside in the rain, we need to be forgotten. we need to feel alone, and we need to learn what it feels like to love someone who has no intention of loving you back. because, eventually someone who truly cares about you will come into your life. and if it were not for these past mistakes, you would not have even realized how beautiful it feels to be loved.

...one fine day, i danced in the rain - and he danced as well. the warmest time of my life.

dont look back in anger - oasis

happy birthday to my mommy dearest!

today!

...and i still get chills down my neck when she calls my full name.

(means im in trouble) lol

meanwhile, having almost-zero-tolerance-on-facing-the-computer-screen-and-having-design-block today, i went over some old emails and blogposts just to hit some high scores with my memory. i did, and guess what! i re-read 'essays' from old times debate on right or wrong, weak or strong, ups and downs with a former flame. it irked me, at the thought of having to remember bitter parts of my life at first, but then it turns out to be amusing at one point. i dont know whether to be glad that i have gone through that transition. i dont know, if i should still miss the conversations and straining mind games. they all have helped me become me today, but of course, all credits to me being smart stupid crazy all combined.

i text a lot. i probably should be using emails instead, as my texts when i need to get my points across is like ten pages long. people who knows me would understand the trouble they are getting when receiving my texts when there is things to talk about, especially the boyfriend and similar people. (: im sorry guys, but i love writing, in general. teeheehee.

so, now i look back to a lot of things and then i think differently. not because i have changed, but the situations have changed. i am merely growing with the flow. note that i said growing, instead of going.

cosmiques

i think love is a feeling.

it is that feeling you get when you know you are going to see that person.

you are always counting down the minutes, the hours, the days, or even the months until you will see them again because you love that feeling you have when you are with them. you know, that butterfly, giggly, warm, this-smile-is-never-gonna-leave-my-face feeling.

love is a feeling of perfect happiness and contentment.

being in their arms means that everything will be okay and even if it is really not going to be, you get a feeling that they will do whatever they can to make it be, or just try to make you feel better. it is that feeling that you are loved for who you are and you love them for who they are, every bit of them, no matter how obnoxious or out of character they may seem at times.

it is about how you love to brag about them and annoy your friends(in good humor). it is about how they are the first one you want to talk to when anything good or bad happens. and how you are always learning something new, no matter how long you have been dating.

it is about changing and being a new person, not necessarily changing your ways or who you are, but wanting to be different and a better person simply because that person is in your life and you want to be everything to them.

ps: i know i write about love, a lot. i cannot even say that i know love inside out nor i can say that i am experienced enough to write about it. but how can you ever measure the love you have felt? what you and i have experienced can never be compared with. i am just relating to the relative things that i have felt, and is feeling, at times when i think that i am in love...

love is a funny thing. you expect it to be easy. you expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. you expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. you expect him to calm you down when you are mad or to chase you when you run away. you expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesnt exactly match up with all your plans. but that is the thing. love isnt a plan. it doesnt have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

love happens; it is so incredibly messy. people around you cant comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they cant see. they cant see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you are in love. it is inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we cant live without it. what you dont learn is how hard love is. how much work it takes. how much of ourselves we have to put into it. how it isnt worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

love isnt him calming you down when you raise your voice. (although i would very much love this) but it is him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. it isnt him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. it is after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning(i wish) anyway. it is not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. so no, it is not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. it is her standing there, admitting she is just as scared as you are. you have to remember that with love, you are not the only one involved. you have unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. do what you will. mash it into mince meat. or forget i ever handed it to you. as long as you have it.

maybe i have already taken to heart, accepting what it is like to be really living with the person i love, rather than expecting movie-like drama everyday. hmm....

it makes us crazy. it makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldnt cross. because love isnt about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. it is about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. and it is a hell of a lot better, than being a hundred percent happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling happy and feeling whole.

pps: ....having described a lot of what i think and feel of love here, makes me realise that i have a lot of expectations. with those description, i actually just found out that i have those in mind that i didnt acknowledge before. it might not have been happening, or happened, but it might happen...if i believe. yet, that idea might change and there are a lot of things going on in my head that i havent really figured out just yet. i hope it is all good, though. thank you for reading. my gibberish (:

where ends meet

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, im not going to make it. but you laugh inside remembering all the times you have felt that way. and you walked to your bathroom, do your business, see that face in the mirror. oh my oh my oh my, and you brush that hair anyway.

life is more than a series of moments, you know? we can make choices and we can choose to protect the people we love. and that is what makes us who we are.

who you are

i dont know how to tell you what i feel. i live in (almost)perpetual expectancy. that is why i could not really tell what i want, in exact words. maybe im just waiting for things, or me to be understood if there is any intention of that in you to do so. i dont want to have to be verbal in everything that i do, or want to do. as a baseline, i do everything in my might to be in your life that i sometimes think why. these unspoken thoughts are what bugs me every night when i lay my head, vaguely reminding me of my own prerogatives. automatically like an audio player, even when i didnt turn on that repeat button - it always goes on and on, without fail.

you come, and the time slips away in a dream. it is only when you leave that i realize completely your presence. and then it is too late. you numb me, in a way that i will never be able to fathom. maybe, in the millionth time when all these emotions collide. but let me tell you this, then, i wont be the same me.

mockery bickery

first of april! it is april, yo! hello april!

you took it back. well how could you go and do something like that? my fingernail phase, worst has got the best of you. i ask you and i know i need a change. you ripped my heart out of me then you put it back. im pulling my hair, i let you just a millionth time. i love you even though it sometimes isnt fair.

run, we go around again in circles, playing this game over&over again.