now i know

people never change,

they seem to stay the same.

they wear different clothes,

but play the same games.

-- maroon 5

just a note

note to self ;

dont worry. if it is supposed to happen, it will...

be still. xoxo

snoozing through

im a twenty-three-year-old confused, emotional, crazy, funny, stupid-but-smart, overthinking risk-taker who loves my boyfriend, stuck in a love-hate relationship with my family( hey, family,normal i guess xD ), reads way too much nonsense, is obsessed with beautiful things and pretty architecture, and likes long sentences or conversations. at times, i still dont know what i should or would do with my life.

just last night, i dreamt of myself having this really bad headache and sore throat of some sort. then i went to the hospital, or was it a clinic to have a check up. surprisingly though, i had to have an x-ray done. the doctor sat me down to a serious talk, and apparently he said the sentence-- this is serious, really serious. i swear i was already having cold sweat and almost died of panic just listening to voice telling me that kinda thing. being alone there to receive the news isnt such a glorious occasion too, considering i was only going for a checkup on the little discomforts on a relatively normal day. the fact that i remember vividly almost the whole dream doesnt make me feel better too, when i woke up to my mother's call--and for being late because my mobile died on me some time during the night. anyways, back to the dream. he told me that i have tumors, cancer, on the left side of my head. all the way connecting to the brain. he added, it is on a late stage already and there is nothing he could do. i remember asking him about medicines to slow it down or whatsoever. he just kept looking away and telling me there is no use for anything now, for me. feeling rejected, i asked him how long would i still be alive, asking and keep asking. but he never give me the answer for that question.

i still wonder why, up until now. i guess it will stay on my mind for quite a while. is it a sign of something bad? should i still be thinking about this, or dismiss it as just another random dream formed by the imagination?

456days,15-months on, still counting

this is just another story about girl meets boy. boy crashes her world and builds it up again together with her. this is a story of you and me, of us, and everything that we have been through.

this is not a fairytale kinda story, but it is real.

(okayyy, i know i look weird here trying to squint my eyes smaller actually.

longgg story, it was a joke at that time. so yea, here is the guy who made it all real.)

weikwan ♥ yiktian ♥ weikwan

this is just another story of boy meets girl. boy loves her. he rocks her world. this is the story about me and you, and everything that we have been through. -- the story of us. taylor swift.

montage.love.

happiness. period.

joel&edna

it was such a beautiful occasion yesterday 25-09-2010, chinese 8.18. he tied the knot, a knot that bonds both friendship and families together. they are both beautiful people, who deserves each other like what it is supposed to be. all the best to the newlywed. xoxo

keep on moving

this world is hard. it has sharp edges and points that cut. it will make you choose between love, money and sleep. choose love each time and sleep when you can, money - only when you must. because this world is hard. and at times, it is too hard for me.

i get to a point where i just wanna walk pass things that hurts me like it doesnt bother me, or as if i didnt have a bit of care at all. sometimes. it works. sometimes. i doesnt. either way, i would just continue smiling, and hold my head up high. for i know i am worth more than what can bring me down. of course, everybody is above failure. we just have to acknowledge it, and learn from it. then, screw the past. we leave them behind and move on!

honey let me sing you a song

--song title by matt hires. really sweet. you guys should listen to it, and maybe be serenaded for a while : )

i feel uninspired. so i have been listening to a lot of different genres and finding out a lot of weird sites online lately. it made me open up to new ideas and just meet any expectations of me in my own comfortable strides. you should too.

i feel persuasive today. maybe it is just the hype, for minutes. maybe after this post i would be the same old me again. drawing up clouds on paper...

xoxo

impression, perception, prejudice.

it is alllll connected!

dear sir,

with first impression, falls perception. prejudice gets you nowhere.

thank you.

i happen to always screw up in a lot of this confusions, and then make a big mess out for myself. do you? i half expect things to turn out great in the end when i am just at the start. talk about being overly-confident, or overly dreamy. either one, im just the happiest and most enthusiastic, untilllll somebody or something ruins the whole picture midway. then...it goes all downhill from there. no more miss sunshine. just, an ignorant sulky little girl.

okay. here goes, may things go smooth, today, tomorrow, and the day after!

things i love on a tuesday*

...it is the day after mon-ster-dayyy, a day when i am either nonchalant about what is to come or is very excited about what there is to do, a day that is not the start but is also yet the end of the week, a day to be myself -- tuesday!

okay, i know that sounds really random. i think that workload, or rather, the fact that im neglecting my work-ponsibility. hah. there, new vocabulary! i am such a nitwit when it comes to work-related-things sometimes. so lazy.

happy tuesday people. out. xoxo

skin-deep friendship

often, times when people comment me for holding my head up and showing strength in the face of death and loss, i speculate exactly what it means to be strong. im surviving every day, but what does that survival entail? from the moment i open my eyes each morning to the minute i close them once again, there is only one thing on my mind. distractions are great, sure, but only for the time being. it is only a matter of time before i find myself alone, and thinking about you, once again. i have never been faced with such a significant loss before. friends--that i once had.

so, i guess what im trying to figure out is if the strength you all constantly refer to, is the manner in which i carry myself, or the fact that i have yet to post a video of me sobbing, with make-up running down my cheeks? because i do cry, a lot i guess. late at night, in the middle of the day, any time i can safely shed my tears without troubling those around me. i dont need to tell you guys that every minute i spend crying, or that i cry at all, because i know you guys can feel it through my writing. i would rather you read the good things about us, and feel for yourself the relationship we had.

all a big laugh

i love laughs. the laughs, hearty laughs, happy laughs, ticklish laughs, the whole idea of just laughing.

having a good laugh is really what it takes to break ice, rekindle relationships, to stop a cold war, to, just, live, sometimes.

im happy to have my doses of laugh every day, and more during breaks from work spending time with loved ones. he, in particular, keeps me at the threshold of my wits where it gets exhausting to laugh till you cry and vice versa, most of the times.

rainbows&unicorns

all i have ever wanted was someone who convince me enough for me to trust, to stop me from thinking...

sometimes, i think i have found him, to whatever, i dont know. but he is there, and he is real. although some of the times i get so distraught and on the verge of being torn apart by my own thoughts of everything in my life, i think i am thankful to have problems and blessings that taught me to think many ways round.

yes, call me naive, call me silly. but i still think fairytale exists. well, maybe not the whole technicolor version of it. but the whole idea of what was in the animated world actually happens in real life. thus, the cartoons and all, rigggghttt? maybe just someday, someday i will have my own versions of rainbow and unicorn. going back in time, or going ahead, i dont know. but for sure, it is gonna be a hell of a ride from then on...

i miss talking, so i type!

...sometimes, not being able to be understood by people you loved most is utter disappointment. what i do is i would write my heart out, yes, whole heart like the end of the world! getting better, or not, letting it out and being noticed, or not, makes so much difference. but of course, what is the use of being understood when the person has no intention or whatsoever to try to get near to your soul?

for what is worth

some things are worth ignoring. some things are worth fighting for.

am very afraid for what the future brings. a lot of things that people foresee, are not exactly the best of visions. sigh.

happy times, overshadowed by bad ones?

i count you twice

when i count my blessings, i count you twice.

we all have dreams. we all have insecurities. we all have thoughts we couldnt reveal, happens again, again, and again. we all could always be you and me now, tomorrow, even yesterday, we are all but human.

who would have thought?

...having you is like a very very happy merry-go-round that never stops turning. i hope that happiness lasts as long as we breathe, and forevermore.

this love means so much more than just the kisses and cuddles. it is a representation of how both of us grow up together while being the individuals that we are...

all it takes

...is acceptance actually. in everything. i realize that if i could slowly accept things that i dislike about myself, i could actually be happier and more relaxed about being me. if i could just accept what happens for the mere reasoning of why it happened in the first place, then i would have saved myself the pain of being angry and uptight about it. also, if i would just change whatever that should be changed--for the best, and just accept the rest of whatever that i couldnt change at the very least, it would make a big difference in terms of my own emotions and relationship with people around me.

all of these make sense, i guess there is always price to pay for understanding it now, maybe not sooner (because i need to learn the lessons), and not a lot later ( for it may be too late). but i guess it was all worth it, for the same reason and the only one happiness.

you could say that i have had a list of things that i wished was a lot different for myself. many things were actually illusions and stuff that media exaggerated over the years of me growing up, peer pressure and whats not. but i was glad that somehow i wasnt caught in the worst situations, not yet, and i hope that never happens though, since i am already writing about these now. anyways, i am glad to have had people in my life who were real and constructing to me. thank god.

all it takes, is just for me to open my eyes, and see...

tinggi-tinggi gunung kinabalu

i love kota kinabalu. like really, actually. but then again, i love to explore other possibilities too. and i would love to go out and just bang some walls. lol. it is literally a chinese saying translated like that. hmm, i guess the time will come, when opportunities knock just like it did when i wasnt searching for it and hoping so hard and facing disappointments over disappointments. maybe i should really just wait, and bask in my happiness by the moment...

guitar keys & piano strings

just living is not enough. one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.

-- hans christian andersen

i have been ungrateful a lot of times in my life, but most of the times, i realized is that i am just ranting nonsensical disagreement with my actually colorful life. which is really not very grateful of me. but really, who wouldnt wanna wish for a string of good luck plus many streaks of pure joy all the way through life? i do, love people serenading me with lovely tunes and well, maybe a little sugar coated truths wouldnt hurt. just not let it be lies. different things could be music to the heart for different individuals. different preferences suit different personalities. that is the way it goes. everything is always going to change, but we should know best what makes us content and what makes us unhappy.

for all these, i thank a lot of people and things for always breezing through my hardships, daily struggles, and for just being a pebble i stumble on. it might have been a good thing, even if it has just given me something else to remember a day by...

a day & a night without technology, no, almost!

30th-31st august 2010, a road trip right after work on the 30th! beat that! dead tiring but it was crazy! w hole night of binging and rami and random rants all the way till morning comes! kudat, tip of borneo, trip again! this time we went to kelabu beach, trekked a mysterious island via a sand path that separates two sides of the beach (this is awesome, one side is filled with waves and the other--lake-steady! cool much?!) and had a hell of a time and painful experience for me at the rocky parts of simpang mengayau. all in all, it was HIGH !

normal days isnt as normal when you have the best company. good times last forever in memory. owh well, happy squints, happy yells, pain + sweat+ burns spells fun getaway!

i think that pain should only be felt for a short amount of time. happiness should out number it every day, every way. either one should not be suppressed by any means. ♥ yiktian

ps: got REAL hurt during the trip. wounded and bled a lot. but lots of TLC from him, and everybody makes it all worthwhile. i managed to NOT sulk through the pain. yay me! and the rest of the pics, facebook baby! LOLs