the care...

...is what matters.

that moment. that. only.

no matter how your comeback is, time that is lost, is lost.

we all have doubts

we arent perfect at all. we fight and argue about stupid things, a lot, but most of our most memorable long conversations come from these fights. im pretty sure i drive him up the wall with my insecurities and accusations(at times). he has hurt me and i have hurt him. but at the end of the say, he is always there for me. always. he loves me no matter what.

he. my soulmate.

no matter what life brings for us, no matter what path we both diverged into, there will always be that very strong bond that never falters.

xoxo

secret rendevouz

ours. it will always remain the sweetest memories, coincidental or spontaneous events that occurred along our paths that intertwined. there will always be invisible strings attached to the soul, however life turns out for each of us. you could always recount the brief hysteria and long choking tears, but one thing for sure - they are gonna stay forever.

sometimes you promise someone forever but it doesnt work out that way. 


i always have things to say, i just never really say it right - always.

merry christmas !

just a little note to wish everybody a very merry christmas and an impressive new year to look forward to!


love always,
Laine.

if only tears were laughter, if only nights were day

...or the other way around. it would be fine for me, either way.

i wanna have lunch dates too. not that i dont, but i wanna have it with you - like old times. people that im fond of, not those that i will have to please or get upset with because i am just not like that. i want to have things to look forward to when i wake up or before i sleep. be it sound of your voice, or just texts, or random messages on paper or the internet. it would make just SO much difference, no matter what. 

sometimes you tend to want things and think of off topic things when you are too free. that might be my case right now. i want so much. but by the look of these things they are actually small scale, things doable. these arent even hard by any standards.

i miss being me. i worry too much, this me now. 

and i drift away, not far enough for me to forget nonsensical stuff i kept in this head. 

sigh.

merry merry

the office is getting merry merry in these weeks leading to Christmas season. everybody is just no more in the mood to hard work and toiling through peak hours anymore. everybody thought of colors, and music, and pretty stuff.

i wish i could be more ridiculous than always being in this suppressed state.

one way or another...

itsy-bitsy december

look on the bright side, we all say, but we couldnt help but be shocked of how time flies especially when it is the last month of the year already. the last of something, anything, would make you ponder longer on things that have passed and things that have lasted. where and what we have done, how and why did we do it, who did what and the questions and answers span a thousand miles. i could have waited till im gray to ask these questions, but nobody knows how long we could be living - at all. i never thought i would catch anything that i caught before, at my age, which is still considerably young-ish. hmm. but hey, i did!

ohh, and regrets...i have a list too. but it doesnt matter how long that list goes i had my time with them and life goes on. believe it or not, they haunt me. still. they do. but i couldnt just keep paddling in my own ocean of tears. i dive, now. 

as cliche as it sounds, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. i am not stronger, but i am not weak enough to admit i am broken. at this point all i can do is to go on. whatever that could happen, it will. or will not. 

what?

what the hell happened this year? so many things came&gone. so many things i gained&lost. 

just so you know, you are taking me apart like a bad glue on a get well card. you will always be my shadow, a levy, all that's strong and steady. i know i could always count on you, but those are not what i could decide anymore. i am still impress at how well you kept time, it never truly left...and they say high school stuff were never serious and might not even exist. they know they are bluffing. 

somehow these are the things that made me believe that there are real love and real relations that stands the test of time and elements. it could never go wrong if you feel it in your heart. i believe everybody has sixth sense. we just never truly acknowledge it and put it to good use. our gut feelings, our heartbeats. these are the senses that we never pay enough credit for, and that is why people have regrets that last as long as they live. i could be one of the many too, who knows. yea, you said i know not what i say&do. that i only know that i am fine and happy, and the rest doesnt matter. you know deep inside what i think&feel. you know. i dont have to explain.

subconscience

i am at the stage of hoarding, i see everything worthy of either keepsake for a lifetime or into the bin they go. i have always been hoarding things ever since forever but i guess it has worsen after i had the privilege of earning and keeping extra cash by my own. this list includes music, and pictures. obviously girl stuff like heels and clothes and all that jewelery i bought and kept but never wore and things like that. 


from the look of things, many more changes need to be made to reach my satisfaction - more to reach the ideal  status for the very introverted perfectionist in me. sometimes im okay with just the way things are and not be fussy because i think everything is sufficient and need not be overly done. but there are times that i feel like things could be so much better in so many ways that i make a real big deal to make things right, my own way. they dont always end right, though.


i need somebody who can actually sit me down when things gets hard to control, who calms me down when i reach my panicky stage, who is just there and it makes all the difference - like nothing could ever go wrong. i know you are there. i know.

blissful thoughts

sometimes i ponder, if things were to be different. if i made a different choice. if it was a different scenario. i play them in my mind like a self-made short film thay goes fast-forwarded at a pace only i follow and know. thing should be veru different. i can tell, because only the thoughts have made me smile. bit then again, this is some sort of bliss too. bliss in finding myself. bliss of knowing what could have, would have. this is a different set of feelings. a different perspective of bliss. being in sync with the brain&heart is difficult. possible, but almost impossible. i know not of a word or a sentence to properly describe these, but here i am trying every bit i could to pretend i am actually explaining this disastrous emotion that is happening inside my head. so much so that i think i am not living, but am hovering at human pace and dimension. uhmm...weird.

just, this once, i dont want to give in. i gave in enough in life. i gave in, even in things i despise most. i gave in. no more.

i am tired. really.

what

...is the integrity now?

i think the mind speaks for itself and i have no idea that it was self-destructive until i feel the after-effects. 

sigh. what have i done and what will i do, again?


only god knows.

where are you?

i know this is dumb or lame and/or not bright at all, but i have missed you. a lot. so much that i'd probably regret it when i find out things that erases all that fondness later on. which i will. eventually. i know it but i still think of it. yes, i know.

i despise

...men with little sensitivity and low kindness count. whatever that is. maybe it is true that most good men are turned into *pardon me*gays. that is a compliment. well, obviously this is stress-talk. i think, being nice doesnt always pay off - especially when you're facing a darn stubborn person with brains made of titanium who lives in his own world so far i could not reach sometimes, and im in my own world i created so that i could filter all these people from my life. i failed. so bad. that this life still contains such people whom i shall point my fingers to for making me miserable when i am. so very miserable. at times.

downright low