because there is so much to say

sometimes i will look down at my watch 3consecutive times and still not know what time it is. that is the effect of long holiday not having a job to wake up for and doing all the things that my body&mind will thank me for. 

it started out with a fist bump whenever we meet and say hi every day. little did we both know would become lying down in the middle of the road at midnight, partially drunk, looking at non-existent stars in the sky. well, i initiated the the lying down part but i wasn't sure at all why the heck i did that. my head was already spinning from the multiple funny concoctions made by the bartender with a tennis outfit. i am totally free to express whatever that is on my mind and we connect on a different level, mutually. 

sometimes we just talk about people and life. other times it could be only about our own body and it could last us hours or days on the same broad subject. things would never get bored. kisses and more kisses, playing mind games that only we know and understand without speaking a word to each other. completing each other's sentence with the exact meanings - cliche but real. 

just randomly going to the park or just sit in a saloon for a spontaneous blow-dry. goodness, those were easily the happiest decisions i have made. i wish sometimes that things are just that simple, and it is - with you. all sorts of complicated shit we thought was relevant but then we shrugged it off like we had the same mechanism of thoughts. how could two person be so intimate but yet being on the opposite side of the globe?

pure logic is the ruin of the spirit

this title is a message i got from a fortune cookie that came with chinese food delivery. 

i am a thinker. 

not rocket-science stuff; but i think and then over-think about literally everything on my mind and everything i see and do, even before doing and also after the deed is done. for me everything is a mess, and i just had to jumble them up nicely and rethink/rearrange them in my head. 

i think of the past, a lot, which is not actually a positive thing but it gets me going and encourages me to NOT repeat some those awful things. i think of things that has not happened yet, NOT as a psychic or trying to be one - but this mind has a will of its own which depresses me so much i wish i could be separated with it at times so that i can actually have my own peace of mind.

that said, we would all be much less fragile if we are made of metal and our hearts from iron and our minds from steel. all of the same element, but not robust!  

to dad, with love.

death is the eternal mystery.

...just like when we cry for everything else we could not say, and for things we dont even know we felt. there are the kinds of support that we will ask for, and the kinds that we will never ask for. afterall computers crash, people die, and relationship falls apart. the best we can do is breathe and reboot. but when all else fail, we could reminisce and savour the sweetest moments in which we have had together.

all my life, my father had been the most respectful person i know. the times i have made mistakes fearing the worst, i have always come clean before i was caught -- well, most of the time. of course as a child i have feared for punishments such as the wooden ruler hitting the palm of my hands etcetera etcetera but being afraid was never like a troubled child fearing for my life or being so scared that i'd wet my undies no matter how bad i screwed up. even those minimal punishments we were protected from by my mother who couldn't bear to see us cry - my younger sister and i, and whatever physical punishments there was stopped altogether before i even turned ten years old. he was always respected, but never feared because he had only instilled in me good values and lessons into my upbringing.

in time, my punishments became only stern voices and deep discussions that boggled my mind, that had made me think of my actions and their consequences even in my sleep. 

but thanks to that even though i'd still get into trouble, some terrible ones at times, but it does not compare to people who does not even comprehend the consequences of their actions. i have always been daring, but very sensible one at that. i have never thought that being daring could ever be paired up with being sensible. it just does not make sense when you think of it. lol

my father had always been overprotective with us. he is always around during our evening outdoor playtime with the neighbours' kids. he had always been the one who prohibits all sorts of entertainment (even learning) that could result to any form of physical injury no matter how small - and this list includes swimming! (ohh you would not have imagined how much tantrum i pulled begging to join martial arts classes etcetera) . he has been the one rub medical ointment on my bruises and scratches if i need to hide them from my mother who is even more paranoid about us getting hurt in any way, and i would say that for a man he does it so gently i could have cried describing it right now. so much little arguments that is proven to be funny now when we think back, because it all came undeniably out of love. i would not say that i regretted not being able to do any of those things i cried so much wanting then.

happy birthday, Papa. 

stay away, sometimes.

deep voice: hey, how are you? you're beautiful. (or whatever random shit they say that could make you look at them and/or answer) 

being polite, i usually smile and say thank you briefly and move on. mind you, they are just passerby whom you only had a sideway glance at. getting a smile or a nod, they would proceed to walking beside you and continue talking. it is not a big deal speaking to strangers, but in these cases i should have just minded my own business and do my best to ignore. i remember family member telling me to not look at men on the streets whenever I'm walking alone. it wasn't long before i truly understood why. harassment is a big issue, especially in metropolitans where there are too many lonely people, despite the number per capita. i was shocked at how bluntly men just express their interest in hooking up just for the sake of having any companion at all at any time of day!  

it wasn't disrespect at all, even the ignorance that i give to people talking to me sometimes - it is necessary to ignore. ignorance gives you the opportunity to be left alone safely. that same ignorance can save you time to lose the person who has not so pretty intentions on you. and yes, i had to be dumb before i took the advice to heed.