january 31st

a day to remember. a date of simple bliss. if you ask me last year where i saw myself in a year and what would i be doing, i could quickly tell you that this wasnt it. well, this was not really something that i would have guessed or see myself doing in a normal circumstance. everything i am right now is nothing like i thought i would have been. the way things are in general are nothing like i thought they would be. to see people i i know so well becoming strangers, to see people who were once strangers to me means the world to me. seeing time fly by in the blink of an eye and feeling like nothing ever changes. feeling like everything has stayed the same throughout these days, yet looking back at where i was around this exact time last year and everything, different.

melt like a popsicle

i want you, and just you.

detour?

we have been together for so very long it seems to me like nothing will go wrong. but people tell me everyday that they know this boy wont stay. i would like to say that we are the exception and we will be the ones to last but i have seen how good things can end so fast. one day he would be officially mine and everything could be right but in a second it could slip and instantly, a fight. family and friends tell me i will be broken hearted but i cant help to think that theres no reason that this started. i tell people that i know we will end but i could never picture us being just friends. deep in my soul i guess i know that this love maybe is not meant to be but i like to think my your love is the only love for me.

painful thoughts

what you see, the mind plays it over and over again, and walla,

you have gotten yourself a built-in recorder!

caffeine&hypertension

tweeted more than i should, sometimes, but owh-well. twitter is meant for tweet-ing, loads! so there goes my facebook, almost untouched, just there for friend's updates, this and that. i pay a whole lot more attention to my other blogs, and babies nowadays. they become my haven, where i can be happily inspired and inspire. (:

fragments of ideas float around my brain as i tirelessly try to fit them together sometimes. with so many words in my head, i am always afraid of writing them down improperly. or forgetting them in the first place. i cannot seem to write fast enough because somehow a thought always gets lost.

old flames

i just couldnt believe fate. it just comes and goes and make or ruin things whenever and whereever possible. and i dont even get to think straight and have proper choices! how dope is that?

there is one more thing i couldnt bear to lose, besides losing my eyesight, was the ability to write and express my thoughts verbally with utmost absolute ways. i always sort of had my thoughts drafted out ll over my head, and then things just disappear every now and then when i needed to use it most. this actually pisses me off like being pushed over the cliff not knowing what to do next.

yea, dramatic as it could be, i think im slowly losing my flair in thoughts as i am slowly becoming more and more like a mechanically run walking/talking machine with no intention of being one in any way!

pfft, pathetic life.

the past came sweeping by

sometimes, i awake with the nostalgic after taste of something buried under the absurd depth of my memory. pleasant thoughts, sometimes bad. i dont know who i become at times when these beautiful reminiscence recur. i thought they happen just because, to just remind me of the existence of happiness in my life. once before.

what do you do, if happiness that should just remind you becomes reality that comes knocking at your door? what would you do if you were told to choose a path you might have chosen before and regretted?

just, what would you do, if you were me?

better days,y'all

recently, i am not me. just, not, me. i am being a part of here, there and everywhere.

so, instead of wasting that few pathetic minutes of your life looking at the computer screen and thinking of strategies to win the everlasting war, why not look me in the eyes--that few minutes, and make it like the best last few minutes of my life, for me.

dear you...

i adore, but i dont worship

people wont change until they either know enough, or hurt enough.

i think there is some truth in this quote.

we shall pass

...not because

it is better than nothing.

but because

it is better than everything.

...but sometimes you have got to look back and take the time just to think a little bit. about everything.

eleventh one, i know her story

you experience all these things, and they matter, they do; but they dont. i mean, they do but they really dont. it is nice to be my age and look at all of you and hear your conversations about everything happening in your lives. because when you reach the age when you know those thing in the past didnt really matter compared to what is now. i was so young, and so in love.

so young.

i wanna be the person you are scared to lose. but in between all that, i lose myself and i didnt even know. i wont cry. i will just say fuck you and cry.

raindrops&roses

im miles from where you are. i lay down on the cold ground and i, i pray that something picks me up and set me down in your warm arms.

okay, that apart, i think i am looking at my life currently with a different sight. maybe it is a good thing, that i dont dwell in bad things that are happening, and just going ahead with all steam through my days. maybe, just maybe this brings me a new perspective on what i really want in my life.

darling, i thought you give me strength. but no, i think i learnt from you that i have my own hidden strength that i have been deprived of using all these times. and i have them out now. just because you did not truly become my strength. thank goodness for that actually, that i dont just stumble and fall. because without you, and without my realization, i would have. died.

what is important

it is really nice when you talk to someone for the first time and you suddenly feel comfortable and at ease with them.

owh, and dear all, there is no reason you should tolerate other people being mean to you. even if they say they are doing it with love. make sure people know they should be nice to you and if they refuse, walk away from them.

please, always remember that.

it sucks, you know when everything is doing fine, and then it all crashes again. the worst part is, i dont really feel like putting it all back together again.

but i have to.

i.am.confused.

this is not just a crush. what I feel is more than a jumpy feeling when i receive a text from you. it is more than hearing your name and my heart would suddenly skip a beat. i want you to know, that you are someone special. someone that i dont want to lose. someone who makes me look forward to every day.

that happens. and i just wanted you to know.

i am trying to convince myself that, i should keep my distance from now on. i think that if i stay away from you, i will stop assuming and realize that there is nothing really special going on between us. i know it will be hard but if this is the only way to avoid myself from getting hurt, i will try to do it.

tumblr rawks

...sorry for the random rant. but i am in love with my tumblr blog right now. (:

if i keep my distance, will you notice? if i go away, will you come find me? i hate how you change instantly for an unknown reason. dont make me miss the old you, please.

change is a scary thing. everybody around me is changing. i am changing too, only to not realize it myself probably. but it hurts when they are changing not for the better. there are times when one can actually understand what is happening. i just have to look for that moment, of truth.

sometimes, you just sit at home and remember the old times. you laugh by yourself with a ridiculous smirk. then you have that one drop of tear running down your cheeks, because it all changed.

we are all in a circle going round and round and round

i will speak my mind, bluntly, honestly, lovingly, vulgarly. be dumb, embarrassing, pointless posts, and many things you might not approve. yet, if you decide to read this, and you decide you hate me, i dgaf because you know what? you dont actually have to click on this page. you didnt have to sit on your computer facing my posts. you can google anything, and i mean anything at all. if you would like.

first day of work 2011

i think there is a realization in me, at one point, that i have to achieve something better. for myself. when human relationship doesnt satisfy you as much as it was then, materials in life, in turn, provides to that satisfaction. that is when you actually can decide, your own future. maybe yes, i could too. like i always say, if it is meant to be, it will be. so if me being away-for the sake of improving my future and to get things i want without being dependent on another being, endangers our hope of being an item for always, then so be it. at least it proves to me- a tad earlier, that we wont work anyways someday. i really hope it wont happen though. i still secretly (not secret anymore) wish we will have our happily ever after, darling.

i love you.

*big sigh*

1.1.11

hey, i might not be able to heal you but at the very least im good for a laugh before you die.

happy new year 2011, people!

have a great big start in everything!

best wishes, from me to you. (: