miri today*

another weekend getaway. awesome, i would say. away from all that is bad and mean. great company, had fun, and most of all great experience. i could use this kinda last minute plans for always. it is instant uplifting, to be honest. having just that bit of sun-down-and-breeze could just make the very memorable changes.

it has been a while since my carefree days. but heck, a whole lot of responsibility comes from carelessness. so yea, either way it is bound for a wreckage if not properly thought about.

im out-of-topic again. oh well, have a nice weekend people : ) xoxo.

serendipity*

"nothing is so good it lasts eternally,
perfect situations must go wrong,
but this never yet prevented me,
wanting far too much for far too long..."

-- Elaine Paige

to whom it may concern ,
thank you for reminding me that all is possible.

the big 10*

this post is my note to self.


y i k t i a n;

i love you with the power of the moon, the sun, and the stars. plus the universe, times the galaxy and then decorated with tiny faeries, wild ponies+unicorns, crystals and glaciers, and everything good and nice. i put purity all around you. sorry. bracket. you are everything within them.

and yea, that is awesome.

...you are awesome, darling!


ps: happy monthsary for you and me. for the record. : )

inhale, exhale

today, i had an accident. and no, im not dead and is still up and about to even write something here. pathetic that i had the exact deja vu type of experience all over again, this time a little bigger of a mess. shaken like shit, but it was alright after all. thank goodness.


everything was all over in a matter of hours. *almost* brand new car thanks to my super-OTT-caring-extra pair of parents, i felt like the luckiest girl alive. *grins from ear to ear*


...life is not that bad. and im getting through it just fine. i guess it is alright, for now. little things like this gives me hope, and lets me know there are still good things in this world.


cheers!

everything is illuminated

good music, coffee, tea, clean linen, comfy bed, alcohol that makes me feel good, movies, my family, beautiful people, chocolate, spring, american accents, the city at night, traveling, arcades, nice scents, flowers, good books, meaningful or intellectual conversations, fireworks, that feeling you get when you have finally completed something that you put a lot of effort into, waking up to the smell of coffee, holding hands, watching the sunset or sunrise, and y i k t i a n, yes. him .

this is a shortlist though. there are so many things that make me happy, and almost twice as many things that make me sad.

how about you?

abstract anesthetic*

...at some point, you realize that you have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step is to stop. leave them alone. walk away. it is not like you are giving up, and it is not like you shouldnt try. it is just that you have to draw the line between determination and desperation. what is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.


the right timing, the right attitude works the best. but how do we actually know when is right or what is right? i guess we will just know...

perfectly stupid

im officially mortal enemies with pimples as of now. ( pffft, should just say as always yea? )



...run baby, run. don't ever look back.
they'll tear us apart if you give them a chance.
don't sell your heart, don't say we're not meant to be
run baby, run. forever we'll be
you & me.

--(check yes juliet - we the kings)

timeless or forever?

...which is better? i bet you would think that this question is silly. it is pretty silly. but when i think about it, there is a weee bit of difference between the two.


...because we do not know when we will die, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. and yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number really. how many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you cannot conceive of your life without it? perhaps four, or five times more? perhaps not even that. how many more times will you watch the full moon rise? perhaps twenty. and yet it all seems limitless.

your hands in mine, explosion in the sky

yea, long title. teehee~

...and we laughed and cried and yawned and danced and sang. not because we felt these things, not at first, not because we were particularly happy or sad or tired or joyful, but only because on that night everything was so contagious. so catching. like red and blue germs transmitted but sticky fingers, body to body, mouth to mouth. but feelings are a parasite and we soon become all those things we werent before: joy, fatigue, sadness, happiness. every word was electricity sparking from tree to tree. glitter fell from our bodies when we moved, tickling our noses and making us sneeze. but it was only visible in moonlight, much like how the beams of afternoon sunlight shining through the kitchen windows would illuminate the swirling dust motes, floating in the air. our frantic hands fanned whirlwinds of glitter up toward the sky. it went slowly up and up until its velocity diminished and it rained back down on our heads, just to go through the same cycle once more.


these, and so much more. always.



ps: fantasy can be so uplifting sometimes : ) thought-provoking fantasies all the more...

honey stars*

people from the future, or right now;

just a little message for you, for i just wanna say what i had thought about real friendship :)

i wanna get to know both sides of you. yes, both, or all if you have more.

i dont want to meet a person knowing only their good side. i dont want to have to face that person one day when they unleash their other side. which is the bad side. i can take both sides just one at a time. dont hide your personality from me. i have more than one side of me too, you know. you are not alone. when you are sad, tell me you are sad. when you are happy, tell me you are happy. when you need a shoulder to cry on while venting, you better friggin' tell me. owh ya, dont kiss up either. that isnt good way to start a friendship. just you know, be real. (:



ps: ..and yea, darling you showed me the best of both worlds. i appreciate that. ( although sometimes i feel feel like screaming my lungs out at you! XD i love you still )

my nonsense*

if i had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense.
nothing would be what it is. because everything would be what it isnt.
and contrary wise, what is, it wouldnt be. and what wouldnt be, it would.
you see?

-- alice in wonderland

in need

...of therapy. for real.


i do not ever ever, i repeat, i do not ever, wanna be desperately wanting something. all my life i have a somewhat very realistic upbringing where at heart, i have always been a adapter (or whatever you call it in a more proper way, i cant think of any right now). i have mostly been able to walk around with my wounds safely hidden, and i have always stored up my deep depressive episodes for the times off when there was time to have an abbreviated version of a complete breakdown. but in the end, i would be able to get up and on with it, could always do what little must be done to scratch by. as i grow up, i feel like i am somehow losing grip instead of being more independent. i found out i can relief people out of their miseries or woes(sometimes) but i cant to myself. nowadays, i am transparent when it comes to being upset, or depressed even. i dont know. maybe it has been like that all along but i wouldnt have felt this bad last time. i cant even bother to hide them anymore. guess it is more unbearable now being an adult. pfft.

i always tell myself, you know, if you stay up late you are just going to make it harder for yourself.

maybe, but i like it that way. i like the numbness that comes with being exhausted. the oblivion,and the quiet chaos that exists only in my own head. all these, when nobody is there for me. everybody elses problems are suddenly the farthest from my own. because i have things to deal with too and if im tired, i have a qualified excuse to keep myself at home, to evade the constant problems that dont concern me anyway. sometimes i dont even need to try to block things out, the exhaustion does it for me, and i have probably began to like that. tears doesnt only clear vision, sometimes it does for the heart too to see clearly what is possibly missed when is blinded with gloom.

dodgeballs*

lately, no, always actually, i have been easily frustrated over things that doesnt go my way, or when things upsets me.

everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world. and that nobody loves them now. and that nobody will ever love them. and that they will never have a decent night's sleep ever again. and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve. but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. (maybe it is just me, pfft) well, i am having those nights now. more than before. there is much love in my life, i guess. but sometimes things just dont add up, and i feel so upset for no reason. reason being i just feel down for reasons that only my heart understands and my head cannot comprehend.

the best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that having another person awake will make the feeling more bearable.

i know, selfish right? when i was young, i would always run to my parents room when i am afraid or just freaked myself out of nothing. i might get scolding for being ridiculous sometimes, but i didnt care. but i figured im old enough to not bug them now. so at times like this now, normally i will just poke or nudge my sister. a sound, or a move from her relieves me a lot. when there is just nobody...


ps: i always wish you would know how i feel...

neurotic&happy

being misunderstood, is clearly not the best feeling in the world. dont you think?


owh, back in the old times i used to have so many different hairstyles and ways to do my hair.now it seems that i have none. it is either up or down. pfft. talk about being boring.





i used to love making my hair pretty. well, depends on how you view pretty, but i just wanted to try a lotta different ways to do it. some of the times it was a bit weird, but some of the times i think it makes me happy just to have accomplished a weird and hard-to-do hairdo. it made my day, back then.

lets go to the playground again one day. and try on all the swings and see-saws and all that. it has been a while since i have really had fun. and i dread to go another day being an adult. adulthood suck-big-time! maybe i'll just do a ponytail again tomorrow to work. i have done ballerina bun today. yesterday was freestyle-hair-down all the way with these loose curls. so yes, tomorrow a ponytail? hmm....

big hug!

this would be so much easier if i didnt love him, i wish there was a pill to make it go away. but why would i want to make it go away when it is hard enough to find in the first place? this sucks. big time!

im so angry im shaking. i cant do this anymore, i cant. pfft. hugs?

the best things

..you're all that i hoped id find in every single way
and everything i could give is everything you couldn't take
cause nothing feels like home,
you're a thousand miles away
and the hardest part of living
is just taking breaths to stay

-- mayday parade

i have to start finding the root of this problem i feel i have before i run out of things to have a decent conversation about. perhaps i am just frustrated with my career. perhaps i have come back to reality. perhaps, perhaps, it is just me...


the best things, of being me--i should find out, again.

random countdown for today

ten things i like.
my boyfriend, dance-y/catchy/meaningful music, sea breeze+waves breaking, sleeping, shopping, , inspiring art, novels, stories&fairytales, FnF

nine things i see right now.
computer screen, nine other thgs that reminds me of him (okay, bear with my pathetic obsession or whatever you may call this kay..)

eight things that always cheer me up.
a rockin' great day out, good friends, a good talk with someone, certain songs, comfy bed, hugs, smiles, reassurance

seven movies i love.
marley & me, pirates of the caribbean trilogy, the 10th kingdom, 500days of summer, old dogs, the sound of music, zombieland ( lol )

six ways to win my heart.
humorous, sensitive, adorable smile, sweet kisses, gives good hugs, cares about everything that i do or think--what i do or thinks matter to him

five biggest celebrity crushes.
john rzeznic, johnny depp, hayden christensen, keanu reeves,james marsden

four things i do before i sleep.
say good night to loved ones, go to the washroom, think about that day, pray for better day tomorrow

three books i love.
sophie's world, empress orchid, the five people you meet in heaven

two things i want to do before I die.
to be married, to live happy

one sight that makes me happy.
yiktian. smiling.

journey*

all the right times and all the right places, i have been getting very nice gestures and messages. very fond kindness and very sweet memories. but yet, where is all this heading to? do i get to choose which one to keep or which to remove? do i get to whine or do i get to sing--with joy?



these days are bright and light like spring should be, and then the rain comes gentle and calm, rolling clouds foreboding like the worries. i am still braiding into my hair. on the drive to work there was light strobing from between the trees like the world was flickering s.o.s. and yes, that is what my heart says...sometimes.

dirty.little.secret*

we are both fiction. you are too good to be true, and i dont exist for you. yea, well, this isnt a statement nor it is a conclusion. sometimes i am reminded that i would sorta kinda partially gotta surely entirely need to like to know what is this all about.





im lost. lost in dream and reality. which one do i belong in anyway?

n.a.t.o.?

"destiny is for losers. it is just a stupid excuse to wait for things to happen instead of making them happen."

-- Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester)

distance suck

DISTANCE FCUKING SUCK !








yea. it does.
big time.
(pardon my language. just an expression.)

thumb&pinky

im just so bored with seriousness. seriously.

im 22. i dont plan to grow up anytime soon.
(i wish to blissfully remain in my five-year-old self if i ever could.)

neither should you.
(okay, that is a bit too much. you can grow up all you want. i will remain in this immature state im in. for now. hmmph.)

sometimes life just needs that extra bit of laughter, and extra bit of naivety for us to see the bigger picture up ahead. dont you think? i havent had enough of the me now, yea, and maybe things are gonna be a lot more awesome in the future. let me have here&now for another minute, well, maybe then i will appreciate there&then more.

trouble with tuesday*

i think sometimes while im at work, my lingeries sneak out of the house to spend the afternoon at starbucks sipping on caramel latte. *just a random thought*


okay. goal for the day;

1. to not let other people's anxiety get the best of me
2. to think of better ways to block the view
3. to continue this positive flow of happiness
4. to survive till the end of this day, with little or no complain at all

yea, that is about it. hmm...

pathetic eyes*

comparisons are so yesterday! *something random from this pathetic mind of mine*


think about it. why would people still wanna compare like mad when everything and everybody now speaks about individualism and all that shit? we could as well use our productive minds to do plenty of other more productive things, right? well, unless what is being compared is truly out of this world weird-ness, then, it is understandable to be compared and judged or whatever it may be as long as it is not in the way of life itself. okay, another silly remark there.


being unique today is understated. trend is overrated. dont you think?

triumph®ret

these words could come in VERY broad context to everybody. it could vary from childhood stories up until that very thing that makes one sulk all the way till old age catches up. for me, i guess these two words form strings of stories in my lifetime that i could pretty much relate to things i have missed and not missed. either way, it stayed in the course of my life and have been destined to or not to be happening to me. therefore there is not much that i can do anyways. somehow, the mind plays a very sick game to us sometimes when it subtly remind us of unfortunate events and our very own gloom eras. *sigh*

my childhood is definitely a very big part of me that contributed to my happiness today. i would rather categorize it as a triumph for growing up happy (as there are actually many many people who has very bad childhood), apart from having my better-half with me today as another part of my life. of course, the list which i derived from my view on happiness must have also included my family and friends, acquaintances, events and etcetera etcetera of all of my years being me. as for regrets, there were times i feel i could lock myself underground or something, away from everything else forever. but pfftt...we all know that would never happen for me. for now, at least.

maybe i would touch on this topic again in later days. perhaps then i could have a better and more elaborate writing on things that have touched my heart on so many occasions that i have thought myself to be a lucky girl.



do you consider yourself happy, today?

what were or are your triumphs and regrets?

memories&nightmares

which is more prevalent in life, in general? hmm... what drives you to live and die happy?






maybe the notion of life itself scares me...

what are you afraid of?

thursday remedy*

the only thing that is keeping me awake at work is the sound of people talking. the point here is to feel 'alive' at work and the noise is kind of like an ongoing warning for me to keep working. but, here is the catch, working is for me to practically face the monitor in front of me and keep moving my mouse around. yea, like literally seeing through the monitor itself and keep myself busy. design? keyboard? drawings? yes, i might touch those later on. i guess the 'fire' of my passion flickers. like the flickers, it is on and off.

okay. i forgot where i got this. found it recently in my random pictures folder.
sorry to the original creator. i bear no rights to this image. heh.

at times i am honest, awkward and downright whimsical; and i still fidget unremittingly. fidget fidget. i would think to myself, that i have been working non-stop. but of course, these are all in my head. the truth is, nobody actually like being another piece of furniture anywhere.



ps: LOL well, hopefully my bosses doesnt read this, if they did, im sorry, but i tried to get past the boredom and complete my work all the time as best as i could =S

april*

what?!!
it is April already! owh.emm.gee

i didnt know i was actually intimidating. i really dont. people complain that i think too much, and radiates this kind of thinking aura or whatever it is when i just dont. i dont know what is wrong. was it really just me or people just have that kind of problem with me, whether it is a coincidence or not. for this, sometimes i feel like i am very misunderstood. what i want, and what i think, is actually very simple. but maybe it was me making it seem complicated all these while.

nine+ about ten

anyways, it has been three quarter to a year of this thing going on between us.yea, you and me. together. just gotta let you know that;

i do, cherish you.

for it was not into my ear that you whispered,

but into my heart.

it was not my lips that you kissed,

but my soul.

girls are jerks and boys are whores

We’re so inconsistent about what we let kill ya. “Smoking?
Must be eradicated. Marijuana?
Zero tolerance.”
But there’s lots of ways to kill yourself. You know what I think kills you?
Stress, and being a workaholic, and never getting laid, and, uh,
McDonalds, and staying mad at people, and lying for a living,
and three-martini lunches,
and the all-American breakfast,
and whatever the fuck Elvis was doing. That’s what kills you.
Bill Maher

well, all this while it is like i have signed into rehab. baby, you are like a disease that i never did know how to get rid of.

there is absofookinlutely*

more to life than just to live!
...even if it is entirely another thing

this is not my real reflection. i have changed so much since then most people barely recognizes me.

i need to remind myself
...to breathe .

i miss you .

bent for you
------------
i have waited for you and adjusted for you and im done.
i have deferred to you and enabled you and im done.

yuan dian*

GO AWAY !



untitled on Flickr by Jenasa



heartbreak*
... it is inevitable, i know.

and you cant fight the tears that arent coming, cuz everything is dried up when love is dead. i feel more distance with each passing day...

...and i dont want the world to see me,
cuz i dont think that they'd understand.
when everything's made to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am.

--John Rzeznic

6th April

things i love on a tuesday*. today, especially, is mommy's day. the very same person i have been seeing for my whole lifetime, and have been in contact with even before anything else at all other than the creator Himself.

♫♪♥♥[H][A][P][P][Y] [B][I][R][T][H][D][A][Y]♥♥♫♪
happy birthday to dearest mom almighty ;)
may you have happy days and awesome nights every single moment of your being.
may the sun shines bright, and the starry skies your lullabies.
all these, with all my love and best of wishes possible,
i love you mommy!

i could be who i am today, from her patient nurturing and painful tolerations. all that i am now, is from her heartbreaks, sweat, and blood. no words could possibly describe a mother's love. and i guess this applies to all mothers too, but as for today, the queen of my heart for always my mommy rocks the mommy's world ;)




ps: happy birthday to all other April babies too! cheers*

work day #1

optimism isnt enough. not when it comes to work. i repeatedly feed myself with optimism, that it will grow on me, that it will be good, but it does not work. for me, only, maybe.



i will try to prevent times when my thoughts and my space are disorganized, or i become overworked and tired. i should stop procrastinating and start working on making the better out of myself.


hmm, i will probably try chanting these or more some time soon.

some because*

because i like this feeling. because the sweetness in your voice makes my skin bump. because i fancy casual conversation and you always understood my desire to be alone with you. because i understand your body. because i trust your instincts. because you call at all the right times. because you just needed to talk to me before anything. because you inspire me. because you say the most ordinary things. because you introduced me to all of your family on our second date XD. because you were fearless about getting into the water, and fearless in about literally anything at all. because you made me wear your ugly sweater even though i wasnt cold. because they said it would never work, and it didn't. but we wanted it to. because you sucked on my fingers. because you taught me a lot of how to. because i love hands that are bigger than mine. because we both drive each other crazy. because you are the most thoughtful person i have ever met and it never feels forced or fake. because you cant wait to hear what i think all the time. because you made me maggi mee and it is the best maggi in the whole wide world. because the world seem square when im with you. because we sat on the sand at the beach and you convinced me that you would be the one to fix my life. because your smell makes me insane. because you whisper the softest things in my ear when i was insecure. because you always surprise me. because you would never quit laughing. because you held my hand the entire drive home from work. because i have no choice better than you. because just the thought of you makes me smile and giggle. because i wrote, life was never as good without you. because you were brilliant and awesome and you still chose me. because of so many other things that only we know and shares.


because you are the only one.




ps: truth#1- that sweater wasnt ugly at all.

pps: truth#2- i dislike maggi. but your maggi is still the best :P

ppps: truth#3- i love you!

fate*

it wasnt without sadness or lament, but i know that hippie bullshit wasnt really my kind of deal. the thought of having hot and cold temperamental people in my life is making me worry that my senses arent cleansed&sharpened as often as it should be. somehow i thought it was funny when people would mistake me for being the kind of thoughtful and start up a conversation that leads to a lifetime of friendship. well, it wasnt so much of a mistake always though ;) this kind of coincidence is fate?


i had a killer headache the last two days, and i suspect my decision to skip out on my usual chattery fix was to blame. i became quiet and reserved and just plain lifeless by a forced choice, and it has taken its toll on me already. i guess i really couldnt live with silence. for me, everybody(with exception to maybe perverts and crazy people), even those i meet on the streets should deserve a smile, or even a nice greeting of some sort. the world is too cold without warmth like that nowadays. well, i wont say it is right to just go up to anyone and just talk like nobody's business, but depending on suitable situation a little kindness wouldnt hurt and might go a long long way...


it happens that some of the most unusual and influential people in our life could be from a very humble and unexpected start. it happened to me. what about you?

we*

an anonymous excerpt found long ago on Google that got me thinking.

this could apply to anyone of us, guy or girl. it is true that most of the time opportunity wont wait. it cannot be denied that each of us have different ways of conveying message and thoughts, but the only way is to tell, NOT keep.

everybody has a secret world inside of them.
all the people in the world, i mean everybody.
no mtter how dull and boring they are on the outside,
inside them they have gall got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds.
not just one world. hundreds of them. thousands, maybe.
neil gailman.

connection*

for all the unworthy existence, and what is worth. people always always always say that whatever that happens, happen for a reason. but what if what happens is man-made? does it fall into the same quote about having a reason? i would rather believe otherwise, if the results or consequence of things is either made with conscience or is knowingly shown in every way possible. the quote doesnt apply, if things does not happen unexpectedly.


i read this somewhere and i thought how sometimes people do think alike, and how much parting from our dear ones hurt us emotionally deep inside. if you have felt that way, or anything similar and if it is driving you insane, then you have been in love, like i am. like i do. and still am.

...by day or night,
in weal or woe,
the heart, no longer free,
must bear the love it cannot show,
and silent ache for thee.

--George Gordon

what if everything is made up? i have a lot of what ifs that needs to be answered. time will tell, maybe. but time doesnt heal everything. time just make things fade and turn things sour, if not bitter in the end. depending on time does not give me security, or even a simple answer.


time kills, not heal. agree? i bet you dont. but i do. sigh

to do

tell me what do you do when you get to a dead end in a situation and everybody else just freezes and plays silent treatment? i react the worst when being ignored, and i find that i couldnt function so well under pressure of being yelled at or in similar situations. maybe then i should just get used to being quiet, and not be so talkative to certain people from now on. or maybe i should just continue talking to myself (yes, i do. pfft).


so, yea, what would you do?

tea&coffee

i throw myself wholly into everything i do and hope i dont hit the ground too hard if I fall.

i need a time out. maybe more breaks for tea&coffee. then maybe i would realize what are my actual priorities. what i want, and what i need is so different, and so hard to get. are you for real? are those said meant to be said? or is it all just part of my delusion?

this love*

...is . fragile. vulnerable . free .



this doodle says it all. literally.



lost and insecure,
you found me, you found me...



now, after all,
...where were you, where were you.





...maybe i will just keep you to myself.