...of therapy. for real.
i do not ever ever, i repeat, i do not ever, wanna be desperately wanting something. all my life i have a somewhat very realistic upbringing where at heart, i have always been a adapter (or whatever you call it in a more proper way, i cant think of any right now). i have mostly been able to walk around with my wounds safely hidden, and i have always stored up my deep depressive episodes for the times off when there was time to have an abbreviated version of a complete breakdown. but in the end, i would be able to get up and on with it, could always do what little must be done to scratch by. as i grow up, i feel like i am somehow losing grip instead of being more independent. i found out i can relief people out of their miseries or woes(sometimes) but i cant to myself. nowadays, i am transparent when it comes to being upset, or depressed even. i dont know. maybe it has been like that all along but i wouldnt have felt this bad last time. i cant even bother to hide them anymore. guess it is more unbearable now being an adult. pfft.
i always tell myself, you know, if you stay up late you are just going to make it harder for yourself.
maybe, but i like it that way. i like the numbness that comes with being exhausted. the oblivion,and the quiet chaos that exists only in my own head. all these, when nobody is there for me. everybody elses problems are suddenly the farthest from my own. because i have things to deal with too and if im tired, i have a qualified excuse to keep myself at home, to evade the constant problems that dont concern me anyway. sometimes i dont even need to try to block things out, the exhaustion does it for me, and i have probably began to like that. tears doesnt only clear vision, sometimes it does for the heart too to see clearly what is possibly missed when is blinded with gloom.
i do not ever ever, i repeat, i do not ever, wanna be desperately wanting something. all my life i have a somewhat very realistic upbringing where at heart, i have always been a adapter (or whatever you call it in a more proper way, i cant think of any right now). i have mostly been able to walk around with my wounds safely hidden, and i have always stored up my deep depressive episodes for the times off when there was time to have an abbreviated version of a complete breakdown. but in the end, i would be able to get up and on with it, could always do what little must be done to scratch by. as i grow up, i feel like i am somehow losing grip instead of being more independent. i found out i can relief people out of their miseries or woes(sometimes) but i cant to myself. nowadays, i am transparent when it comes to being upset, or depressed even. i dont know. maybe it has been like that all along but i wouldnt have felt this bad last time. i cant even bother to hide them anymore. guess it is more unbearable now being an adult. pfft.
i always tell myself, you know, if you stay up late you are just going to make it harder for yourself.
maybe, but i like it that way. i like the numbness that comes with being exhausted. the oblivion,and the quiet chaos that exists only in my own head. all these, when nobody is there for me. everybody elses problems are suddenly the farthest from my own. because i have things to deal with too and if im tired, i have a qualified excuse to keep myself at home, to evade the constant problems that dont concern me anyway. sometimes i dont even need to try to block things out, the exhaustion does it for me, and i have probably began to like that. tears doesnt only clear vision, sometimes it does for the heart too to see clearly what is possibly missed when is blinded with gloom.
nah kan, i knw ba u got alot to tell, even da 1st time we've met kn mmg i knw u ada prob ba, bukan prob yg remeh-temeh punya, the type yg sdh lama tkumpul. hun, u need friends baitu, i owez mengeluh with my buddies jg, sometimes i even feel myself sgt annoyed smpi mo ganggu org titun but, for me, dats wat friends r for kn? if u cant handle me during da hardest time, thn u dun deserved da best of me, cehwah. im fortunate enuf to have so many great friends la :) well laine, its good to have though skin, still, all we ever wanted in life is to have fun ba, i seriously dunno wat uve been tru n i cannot judge 100% jg ba cuz ive never in ur shoe kn, but try to let loose abit lo :) buli ba tu ko :D cheers~
ReplyDeletethank you so much for the feedback Dom. you hit the spot in a lot of ways ;) well, good things dont come by easily nowadays. im grateful for who/what i have now, but yes, of course there will always be rooms for improvements. i dont know where/what/how/when will it be, but yea, we will see if things will get better :) cheers too!
ReplyDelete