black, white, also the grey.

i am not where i need to be, but thank God i am not where i used to be. 

with this statement, i admit i really miss how things used to be. but i can also admit now, that i have accepted the fact that things have changed and this is where things are going to proceed from. and this;

you will find that it is necessary to let things go, simply for the reason that they are heavy.

i find relief, knowing that i need not have a great big reason to let go of something that is giving me unseen burden. letting go, does not directly mean giving up. it is merely a unloading built up pressure that is dragging me from better times.

i spent a good portion of my break from work recently on drama series and apart from the entertainment, i sometimes grit my teeth imagining at myself facing similar situations one moment in time like in those scenes. normally in separate scenes and often several different characters and stories, looking at things from a third person's view is almost gratifying, knowing certain doubts in this mind for much less time i spend thinking to myself.

it is one of those things that people say, you cannot move on until you let go of the past. letting go is the easy part, it is the moving on that is painful. so sometimes we fight it, trying to keep things the same. as for me, i replay a lot of the good or sometimes even bad scenes in my head over and over. things cannot stay the same, though. at some point you just have to move on, because no matter how painful it is - it is the only way we grow.

these feelings, sometimes.

i dont have a favorite day. i have a favorite feeling. it is a quiet day, with cool breeze and bare feet. it is when i can walk straight outside without pausing to check whether i have money in my pocket. it is curtains dancing around in my cosy room because of the freshly cut grass scented air pushing against its fabric. the sound of waves at the beach, long strolls with the beach hair effect. mmm...

windows down under pockets of shade during road trips, and occasionally the drops of rain against the window along the way.

there is no favorite season or time of day, whatsoever. i have a favorite feeling, sometimes.

good riddance

sometimes you have to get rid of all the bullshit in your life and just focus on the things that make you a better person instead. but what normally happens in a day when you have nothing particular in mind? for me, wanting errands i run to go smoothly and possibly with something better to come up in mind. i would not want to spend time dwelling in negativity but it is inevitable when these tend to turn up in between good times and as much as i do not want them to - they ruin some of better parts of the day. 

for me, i tend to lose focus when sudden change of plan or situation also affect my mood and demeanor. i just want to tell you, that at some point it does not matter who was right and who was wrong at some point, being angry is just like another bad habit, like smoking, and you keep poisoning yourself without even thinking about it.

yes, sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream noone could see but you. but because you are the only one seeing the ideal side of things, everything seems to conspire against you. and that, that is the hard part. not the getting the dream realized that is hard.

an honest realization

the sun will rise and set, and time will pass and never come back. faces will change and outgrow age, as people mature or deteriorate slowly. 

in recent years, i have lost more loved ones than i can learn to accept. all my life i have been living a happy childhood, teenage dreams and come adulthood - i thought i have had happy times most of my life surrounded by healthy and happy people. death does not come knocking, i figured. they shock the hell out of life and trust me, the deceased might be better off than the still living left behind.

maybe all these while i have been oblivious to the fact that people suffers every single day around me and i happen to be in that suffering ring. i might not have done much but i have been very careful to not be mean to anybody i encounter unless they are bullies or are bad people. who am i to judge, really, but i do appreciate people who could stand up to injustice. but that is beside the main point. oops.

what im trying to say here is that it is a totally different feeling and situation when the unwell or dying person/s are actually related to you or is especially close to you. whatever that is killing them is also indirectly killing you emotionally and physically. seeing them frail and in pitiful state, you might as well bid them goodbye as saying it is going to be alright sounds more like a lie to yourself than to them. i do believe in miracle and i do believe that positivity and emotional support gives strength in whatever ordeal, but somehow seeing your loved ones suffer so much in order to stay for a couple more years is torturing to them as it does to you. just my two cents.

do rest in peace, papa. if im given a chance to wish for something i would definitely still wish you back, but i understand now that you are in a better place. just the thought of your demise as being quick and almost painless, i am glad. i am glad, not because you left us without a proper goodbye. i am glad, because you went without losing weight, or missing limbs/organs. you went, because God loves you more than i do. finally your demise gives the sentence a meaning i never could have understand before.

re-cap

so right now am on a long break, literally, trying to figure out all the time i have having quit my day-job and looking at the world from my bed at twelve o'clock at noon time. opening up old emails, blogs and other social media tool that i havent been paying much attention to when i am working and on the move, i found so much to read and to catch up on that is actually beautiful - more beautiful than the news that we all currently have on our screens and reality.

there is so much disappointment and sadness in life nowadays, but i find my fair share of happiness and encouragement in a man that pulls everything back together when i feel like my world is falling apart. he does not have a doctorate degree, but he feeds me with so much wisdom that i took so much less time banging walls to figure them out myself. now to set things straight, he could be more than i bargained for but i am going to stay and see if this ride would take me further than i have in mind.

until i get a clear picture on how to summarize the past year in my posts, i shall go to bed every night with a dream and then wake up with purpose.

yes, shall do that.