paper carousel

i live in the mess you are; i could find out the truth if i just wasnt so blue. hmm, we are drinking in the sunlight, we are seeing if we can believe in the mess we are, conceive in the mess we are find peace in the mess we are...

im a mess.

may i say i loved you more? let's drink to memories we shared. down one to all the hopes and cares. here is two for being unaware that you're gone. because before too long you will be a memory.

tough love; if you dont actually believe, live and act like you are going to get everything you want in the universe then of course you are definitely not going to get it.

depressing melancoly

'angelic sister' she calls me, in the most sarcastic tone. if that is the respect i am getting, hell yea, im taking it in. awkward, but that is what you want.

im sick of carrying my whole world with me all the time. on my back, on my mind, in my heart. it weights my heart down. it has made me heavy. if i dont leave some of it behind, i will end up with a broken back, probably with a broken heart along with it.

blood will never be thinner than water. but that is what it is now. ego takes over the only person that i am legally blood-tied to. but hey, without the realization from deep inside her heart, things could never change. and so be it. i am helpless. go on, that is the way to happiness. i suppose.

this.broken.melody

today, we are one&ahalfyear-old together. rock bottom is where my day began; sat there, waiting for the green light to appear right beside your name, or the blinking orange light when messages came through. well, it wasnt a good sign where we are, but it certainly is true--the whole journey.

yes, i call us, the broken melody. because it sounded right. we were not like the very ideal of partners. we were not in the best situations always. we are just like day&night, sometimes we just dont meet at any point. but we just sound right, together. i dont know how, but after all, we are in love. that is the whole point.

i recalled what he said on christmas eve, just the other day. i secretly embed the whole thing and play it over and over again in my mind like it is the only thing that matters all my life. it will forever be remembered, up until that very day it all becomes my happily-ever-after story. i didnt expect that to come from you, dont know why. but you always seem to give me surprises at times i could not expect. that is good, catching me offguard, but good in terms of making me smile like a lunatic all throughout. even long after that very short moments that will stay on my memory, for life.

i love you, from the bottom of my heart, my gangsta'!

a picture taken on a typical weekend ride. us, for real. no pretense, nothing.

happy 18th monthsary, darling.

one & a half year tomorrow

it is just another day. at work. yes, but for me another day of being a thing is not easy. and for tomorrow, i am giving another big big love to a bigger day (than others, although everyday is such big days for us)

tomorrow, i cant believe we are so far past that one year dot.

let us see what more we can achieve! cheers! xoxo

...with intentions

i suppose you could fill in the word of your desire on the dots in my title.

just thought of sharing this;

Its funny how hello is always accompanied with good-bye

Its funny how remembering good memories can make you cry

Its funny how forever never seems to really last

Its funny how much you’d lose if you forgot your past

Its funny how friends can just leave you when you’re down

Its funny how when you need someone there never around

Its funny how people can change and think there so much better

Its funny how many lies can be packed into one love letter

Its funny how people can forgive even tho they cant forget

Its funny how one night can attain of so much regret

Its funny how crazy and ironic life turns out to be

but the funniest part of all is that none of that seems funny to me.

--Heather Noble

have a really good week, everyone! xoxo

pushy isnt good

how many times do we forgive someone just because we dont wanna lose them, even though they dont deserve our forgiveness?

if i die tonight, i dont want to know that you said you missed me. i dont want my family to know that there are important people in my life that are no longer in my life anymore. remember what i said about taking the wrong path. this might be just one example of what i was referring to. i will know who really misses me when i pass. i know who will always love me. i know people who i will always love in return and who i will always return for. dont cry, if i die tonight. dont scream. dont even think. like when i am living. i think a lot. and that has obviously made me miserable for the longest time. just, live.

gasoline rainbows

i am still so naive; i know pretty much what i like and dislike. but please, dont ask me who i am. a passionate, fragmentary girl, perhaps?

that thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. --Drew Barrymore

floating vibes

eventually, you just give up on everything.

if you really knew me, you would realize im not the girl i was before. i have been hurt, walked all over, used, and rejected. if you really knew me darling, you would know that i trusted you enough to let you into my life.

shut up, people, grow some balls and stop feeding me your words. i dont need a single word you say if it mean nothing to you what it meant to me. i hope you are happy though, poking through other people's life and just trying to make a mess out of happy people around. hmmph.

i think that relying on another person is the worst thing you can do. so i try not to. at the time it might seem like you have finally found the right person to fall back on and put your whole life into, but when they dont want that responsibility anymore everything will just come crashing down.

...just saying.

i do rely on people a lot, and on a lot of different people. i try to act tough, but sometimes at the most inappropriate times. the girl inside of me isnt just going to let me pull through hard times being alone. i just dont want to. i choose to share. what, is that a sin? i think not.

my repertoire, lately.

see i was always taught that boy meets girl

fall in love get married and forgets the world

9 months later, a sweet baby’s on the way

kiss her on the cheek and life OK.

-- anonymous.

i do not understand how, at the most desperate of times i somehow find the strength to cling onto life and simply embrace it. i can suddenly go from the desperation of negativity and hopelessness to the euphoria of optimism and possibility.

isnt that crazy? am i the only one? im always in these situations!

contagious radiation

i am in love with my boyfriend. we have been dating for close to 18 months now. i love him with all my heart, but i am starting to miss the world sometimes, the idea of being out there. i dont know why. i dont know what to do anymore. what is wrong with me and what am i thinking? how can i even be so unaware of the very state that we are in right now, whether it is going through the long haul or not. i am really unsure. he is just so confident with everything, like even when the sky is about to fall off. yea, maybe he might be able to just push everything hell-away with his very big temper and stance, but hey, i dont know if i could go through these days without fearing for the future. seriously.

my boyfriend says

...a lot of things.

some of it makes me fly, some of it makes me wanna just go bang a wall. but things he says, i can smile or cry the whole time thinking about it. it is bad, when i come to think of it. it makes me fear for the worse, and laugh like a hippy. i dont know what is reality and what is a dream anymore, sometimes. he just makes and breaks me.

im giving this whole lot of shit a longer time. for whatever, im not sure. i just want to. i think i just couldnt think of a reason to leave, and that is bad. really.

the me before? pfft. i would bail at the slightest discomfort, the slightest boredom, the slightest annoyance. but this? too much, and yet im going through it all. it is the harshes thing to have ever happen i would say, but i just dont know why.

what the hell ?!

read:one-hello-world

it is one hell of a world out there. we have got to stand firm and prove our points if we were to exist, and not just being. accomplish small tasks as if they were great&noble, everybody!

im nostalgic for the hands which never intertwined and cheeks never blush and feelings never understood, but mostly, for the love that was never shared. i have taken up falling in love with rivers and mountains and other beautiful things when we could not find each other, and then the dreams that i have exploded with words i thought for everything. so many things in life we all could have had interest in. most of us knows things, but not a lot knows most things i realize. it is a scary world out there. there is just too much to know, to learn, to be happy and at the same time afraid of. it shocks me to find out about new things every single day, and it still amazes me.

everything happens for a reason. people change, so you can learn to let go. things go wrong so you can learn to appreciate them when they go right. you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and hopefully your other half, or however that goes. and sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together. this is often said, but not many can actually do and believe just that. i think we might as well just go on living in this hell of a world, good or bad.

endlessly fascinating

i am a bitch.

i have a mouth that will ramble on for days about what i believe, about why you are wrong, about why i am right. i have a mouth that will ramble on about how i should and shouldnt be treated. i have a mentality of a age that is not my own, the number fluctuates like stockmarket. i have the body of a girl. i have a heart of a woman who is loved before, who has been hurt before. i have a mind that has seen this and witnessed that. i have these ears that has heard my crying late at night. i have these eyes, these eyes that have witnessed my own hurting, these eyes that has witnessed my growth, these eyes that have witnessed my success, these eyes that have witnessed everything i have felt, everything i have dealt with physically, verbally, and mentally. i have this heart that has never been broken, but has always been sewn back together. i have these knees that have let me fall but have let me stand all over again. i have these hands that have wiped my tears at night when i thought everything in the world was gone and done with. i am strong which is why i am a bitch. i am sensitive which is why i care so much for things that i bug all the time. i am passionate which is why i put my love into something full force no stopping. i am quiet which is why i have so many thoughts running through my mind because they have not yet to be expressed verbally, only mentally. i am loud when needed because i do not take shit from anyone because i believe i deserve the best. i am insecure but that doesnt mean i am not confident in other ways. i am everything i come off to be and everyone that has hurt me, abandoned me, pushed me away has made me. made me stronger, made me even more of a bitch, made me even more of a person who wont take shit from anyone, and has made me into a person who knows exactly what she is worth.

so, call me a bitch again. shame on you. a bitch is this, and so much more.

kampung days over

there is a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it is not giving up. it is only realizing that you dont need certain people and their crap.

you are going to lose people in your life, no matter what. and i realize no matter how much time you spend with them, or how much you appreciate them or tells them so, it will never seem like it will ever be enough. eventually, people leaves. and you start a new cycle all over again. one thing for sure, being able to have certain people in your life, without the consideration of time and love spent, is a blessing in itself.

there are some people in life that makes you laugh a little louder, smile a little wider, and live a little bit better. no matter how little, it is definitely better!

ps: it has been great having a getaway weekend at the suburb, where it is almost like a whole new world and i get to find/know new stuff almost daily. im blessed to have the best of both worlds, old & new. amen.

i dreamt. good?

...dreams that brought back memories im not so fond of. dreams that wakes you up and leaves you in no state to be having anymore slumber. dreams, that wakes sorrow. *gahh*

i even lie in my diaries. i embellish things and write my feelings out of proportion. in reality, i am a simple content girl with a decent looking future. but my diary doesnt have to always know that. sometimes i write what i wish i felt. and that progresses into something tangible, sometimes.

life is not bad at all, if we could all stop exaggerating. but everybody exaggerates. that is why life is so hard for us. those who take it easy feels life as it is, taking chances and being free from projections from the bad side of the mind.

i have so many violent emotions for you. it is you. it has always been you.

i guess i just realized this, quite odd but rather late. dont you think? since you are not quite new to me anymore my dear...

definitely maybe

you want the truth? well, here it is;

eventually, you will forget it all. first you forget everything you learned - the dates of wars and Pythagorean theorem. you especially forget everything you didnt really learn, but just memorized the night before. you forget the names of all but one or two of your favorite teachers, and eventually you forget those, too. you forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. and eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations - even the ones that seem indelible, just fade away. you forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not. who went to a good college. who threw the best parties. who had the most friends. you forget all of them. even the ones you said you loved, and the ones you eventually did. they are the last to go. then, once you have forgotten enough, you love someone else...

someone who is gonna stay, now and forevermore.

that, in perpetual existence.

inevitably misread

owh emm gee. could you please not follow every single thing that i do just because you cannot get over the fact that everybody has a past, girl? you, your boyfriend, your parents, everybody! for goodness sake! i suggest you get the hint and leave me alone, and not make yourself look even worse than now. i pity you. why? because you could not let go. appreciate what you have now, dont go looking for faults and everything else could come in and happy ending ensures.

this may be an odd question, but do you know what you are doing right now?

let me tell you what,

after all these while if you still dont get it, or wont ever get it, im out of this mess. like since forever. i dont even care what you do with your life anymore. just. leave. me. alone. thankyou.

sophisticated, not complicated.

i like you, no, i love you. you put up with all my bullshit, darling. : )

love is just a slogan. the relationship, the person you have, is everything. i have been waking up in the middle of the night with horrid feelings of un-ending un-sureness. but yet, he is still the one.

i guess he is that one person who will always be in my heart, he is that person who i would like to keep for the rest of my life. he is that person who i will always love, and will never have the will and strength to move on from. he is that person who i will always remember of making me feel special and of believing in me when no one else would. he is that person who will always make me giddy and make me smile brightly and widely. he is that person who will always understand me, or try to(?). he is that person who i will always get along with(by hook or by crook). he is that person who i cant imagine my life without. he is that person...

yiktian is that one person.

raising the bow

recently i have started to familiarize with some awesome online games! dragonica and infinite aion, both are very interesting and im hooked! in dragonica, i chose to be an archer in it and named myself cocoracha. wootz. lately it is all that i play. infinite aion is so graphically beautiful, (you could have wings like angels in it and fly gracefully) but i have been neglecting it for a bit just to catch up with levels in dragonica. pathetic, talking about online games, like now, but i havent been playing anything online all my life. like, seriously. therefore, bear with me on future posts about me telling you my progress in those godawfully-addictive games. teehee.

well, this isnt the best poster i could find but these are the main four types of characters. lol. magician, archer, warrior and priest. then, each evolves into something else in higher levels. okay, i know i sound so immature talking about this game but yes, it is addictive!

try it!

despicable me, yeah me.

friendship isnt about who you have known the longest. it is about who came and never left. it is always misleading, how your defenses left low on a friendship turns out to eat you alive. making you believe less. nowadays, with internet-everythingeverything, people add or delete with complete ease. easily mistaken for garbage piled at the bin. you can crap the hell out at a person, and act as they never existed the next minute. how fragile is the meaning of friendship now? do they even bear enough significance to continue being used for the sake of fake human emotions? pfft.

i, personally am truly disappointed by these acts that i have experienced first-hand and has also seen happened to people around me. so i would strongly recommend to give yourselves a higher emotional defense before letting anybody in, and i truly mean anybody. there will never be any harm to be more cautious and even rude(sometimes) when it comes to guarding your trust.

first of december

my black ribbon ring is officially broken and lost. sigh. the one fake ring that i have liked. happy first of december people! it is the last month of the year 2010 and major panic for another new year is coming! how time flies...

again, it is about time(all over again). heck it was always about time. nothing else. what is there to complain when it has always been static, it is only us changing? time has just been going on and on and on, doing its mundane routine, or job, or whatever it is doing.

if you are lucky enough to be different, dont ever change.

-taylor swift

wasting youth away.not!

so here i am. my fingers are running over the keys of time, the proof of time at least. noting things that i thought and saw and hear and feel. my words are slowed by time they are deliberate and cautious. i would love to report to time itself that i have figured it out, that humanity in me has managed to learn something, anything. i must unfortunately report that the atrocities of the past are only being reinvented, modernized and sold as something new to fresh minds who dont know any better. probably like me, i might still be...

it has become apparent that no matter the warnings of our past we are fated. so here it is, my letter;

dear time,

i dont know if you can hear me, but i can see you. i have seen the darkness left in your eyes from the hatred of mankind. i have also seen your hope this time we will get it right. i know how vastly insignificant i am, especially considering your infinite nature. one sigh from you is a hundred lifetimes. i know. i am writing to tell you that i didnt want to live forever like it is infinite. i just wanna live enough. just enough, nothing more. i want enough time for my childhood(thank you), my youth(i hope) and my future to live. these, i pledge to you. dont give up on me yet.

signed with utmost reverence,

lainelwk nov2010

i dont know if this counts as a wish, or a hope or what. but it is something i had wanted to look/read back one day. to know that i have fulfilled or not.

jing-a-ling-a-ling-a-linggg

yeay! (genuine joy) christmas in in a month time! cant wait! what are your christmas wish this year? as for myself, im asking for a lot of things. it isnt about being greedy, but at least something gets granted in the end?

last year, i went for christmas carolling. this year, i didnt manage to join any practise and meetings. emarald is in the middle of her struggle for stpm. it is not very nice going without her. (not sarcastic, this is sincere)

so, here is to the whole advent season. happy times! always...

november28th

it hasnt been any fancy shmancy date kinda day, but there is lots of laughter and love all round. that is what that matters i guess, to get you through to the next day. i grew up fables fed by disney fairytale stories, like these;


...and i bet a lot of you too. i have always had admiration of characters in those fairytales, yes, not envy, just admiration for the stories of somebody's life perhaps, that inspired each and every piece of these fables to be written and made.

today i have watched tangled, an adaptation of rapunzel- the princess who has magic long hair. there is just so much you can comment on a movie, which i think most of it you would be keeping in your heart. the interpretations, the warmth that you felt right out of a heartwarming one, those sensitive points in the movie that touched your heart and feelings and only you and you alone could feel it for yourself. yes, i am being very emo right now talking about all these, but yes again, i feel compelled to put these thoughts and pictures in here for this. just for the record.

ooh, i lovvvvvvvve maximus the horse! adorable! of course, as well as the other characters, i found really amusing! as always, disney never disappoints. i really appreciate how movies could make you feel so good, as it could alter your emotions in many ways. 3d for cartoons might not be as real, just yet, but i guess living in fancy shmancy land almost being able to be inside it is something to giggle upon. just for kicks, sit at the front-most row. you will get what i mean ;P

after today, i actually had a tiny little bit of better understanding about certain things in him. yes, it still bugs me after all these while why i am over-reacting over small matters. no, it hasnt been well on me in any way for being so paranoid about everything. i suppose in every relationship there are perks and downsides of it. so yes, i have gotten that part. next, i will just have to accept it and go with the flow. yes, go with the flow.


ps: i realised that i have used a lot of yes in this post. perhaps i should implement it into my life, just this once. yes, i probably should.

a subtle collision

some people are just too lucky. they live in the moment just because they can. and the rest of us had to make ourselves live in the moment, and had to unconsciously think ahead because we have to. such a pity that not everyone acknowledges their luck and advantages that they take for granted. this pains me, because there is so much i could do with such luck, seeing it right here right now. yes, i figured people would retaliate by saying you wont be thinking this way if it was you having all that goodies. and yes too, that i might be different, given the life that is different because the way of thinking might change altogether. but what im saying is, what could possibly change, if your heart is sincere and thinking all things true under any circumstances you will still want to live well and be fulfilled with the best your life has to offer-- whether you are privileged or not.

i am a curse and i am a sound

you called me a bitch like i should be shocked or something. seriously, the word bitch doesnt hurt. it just shows the exact person that you are, calling names just to win a war that you have made out for yourself. nothing is what it seems, people make things look or sound good or bad. and honestly, it is all getting to me. the conscience and the revelation of what i have always been bothered about.

have you ever been in a situation that you really dont know what to do at the moment of time, but glad that you just didnt go all the way doing something silly? i just felt i did that a lot of times before and realizing it, makes the best of my day today. i guess some things really takes time. at least now i know, and trying to understand more is the best thing i could do for myself. not making a big scene back then you could have save a lot more than a friendship, if not just the heart. really...

uninterested&wide awake

fine line between love and hate.

the opposite is apathy; when both hurt too much.- anna

my guy says that the second most unbearable pain is toothache. second to the very excruciating heart attack pain. and i am having exactly the one that is a far from life-threatening, but causes pain so bad i could have had to bang walls and die in the middle of the night. wisdom toothache, the dentist said that it should be taken out. i dont understand why when it is growing perfectly normal, straight and out the gums just have to swell and make problem for it to come out big, white and mighty. okay, exaggeration there. i just dont understand why must it be taken out and why does it have to grow if it is meant to be taken out?pfft. how did people survive in those times before dentists were available?

i've got clouds in my head, dreams in my skies.

i wanna be rich. money, yes, but physically and emotionally too.buy myself a huge loft in new york. get freakin artsy-fartsy. buy tonnes of ice-cream...and effin live!

well yeah, i am living. having more in life to think and have is not a bad thing. we are all subjected to disappointments. for me, i would cry over it, sulk, ramble on and on and on, complain and complain, then suck it in. yea, that is about it. then i would start wondering what is next.

i constantly wonder how my life looks like in other people's eyes. do they think i have it easy? do they think i have nothing going on for myself? or are they wondering what i am wondering too? the thing is that no one will ever know my whole story. no one will ever know the things i have had to overcome--not even my closest friends or my family. it has always been a personal affair. the thing is that people are always so quick to judge. you can only see a person from what they want and allow you to see. i always try to look as put together as i can, and i guess that is my way of hiding from the truth. this scares me sometimes, that nobody will ever understand why i am the way i am. it is such a nice thing if everybody has an understanding of what others go through, rather than having prejudice and inaccurate judgments. i wonder, when will this ever happen. maybe it will never happen at all...

make epic wishes

yes, do it.

i would rather die young, or live forever. freaky sentence. i know. i love differently. if there is forever in my vocabulary, i make it mean millions of dollars in each day. well, literally, in memory and what not that it brings in the love i give. there is a whole other world in everything that i could do, me and you, everybody can do with sincere intentions each day. like that, and just that, beautiful memories can be created. why wait forever? why settle and wonder if forever happens? i think forever is a day. we could make forever out of a day just as perfect or maybe more perfect than what forever is, if it ever comes.

my forever, is love- as broad as the context of love is, and more love. happiness is next, which naturally comes with love and with happiness too we have the rest. essentially, i feed my forever. i feed it with my dreams, my care, my anger, my smiles, all that i have. that forever, in time, will show me what it means in due time. the end of time, maybe, but by then i would have outlived my many forevers. having 20years as many forevers is already a blessing. so i guess by the time people realises their forever im already six feet under, making my next string of forever ever after...

earth turns slowly, still

...i like it when my guy makes me feel like a woman and a little girl at the same time. i love it when my guy says something so sweet that i just sit there and smile like a bloody idiot, then proceed to read it a hundred times again just to make sure i wasnt dreaming. yes, typical dreamy lovesick thing to do. but yes, i do it, i do it a lot. just because of that one guy.

there is always space for improvements. we are heading there. i know i am almost there. almost perfect. the world might have its own perfection, i am doing mine.

pain in the arse

once upon a time, there is this dude who really is too irritating that he is almost obsolete to people around him. it is just so hard to make him understand the fact that what he says and does are not right most of the time and makes life harder for others. turning away from him is the easiest and most gentle way to not hurt somebody so ignorant, but not so innocent. seriously, pain in the ass!

sanctuary?

i would be so glad to declare that reality doesnt always exist here, in this blog. im glad, to be calling this place an escape, or rather a safe safe. provoked, this is where i could freely have everything jumbled up and out.

i laugh at silly movies and im stubborn as a stone. im extremely honest, and some people get annoyed, sometimes im scared of it myself. im playful, and i know when something im saying is maybe shocking, but it is just the truth. i simply want to live the way i need to live, differently. i always wonder if im ready to ever be alone. i cry just like everybody else, maybe more than anybody else. i dont know what you believe in, what you think or what you see, but this is just a part of me. ♥, weikwan.

this does not mean im giving you all my secrets. you know my name, not my story. there is more to me than you will ever know. i guess there is just more to the world and everyone else than anybody knows...

pictures&memories

i should be floating, but im weighted my thoughts all the time. there is is a lot more to the pictures stored in our memories than actual pictures sometimes. the thoughts are much more vivid, living through it over and over again.

im pleased that you are near. i love the occasional highs that you bring when you spontaneously lift me up and swing me around. i feel like i am on top of the world, your world, at least. i love it when you purposely annoy me by repetitively repeating what i say with the annoying sounds you make. i actually dig it when you block my lips with yours to shut me up from my emo talks or gibberish, which you always knew makes me sad in the end, which you prevented by stopping me mid-sentence. yea, well, i could talk forever and sometimes i just dont know where it heads to. thank you, for loving me. we are getting there, through to the long haul together. slowly, but surely, i hope. understanding and being there for each other takes time. and i supposed i could make it an aim to wait and see the best that this could become, someday.

i am beginning to re-think the whole my prerogative thing.

ever tried? ever failed? doesnt matter.

try again. fail again. fail better.

smiles, clothes, mischief.

aww, recently everything is ON. yiktianweikwan, lainelwk, this, that, everything! work is hectic, like usual but now weekdays seem shorter when im happier. maybe, that is just a guess. being here isnt so bad. gotten used to the fact that disliking a place that im gonna be for nine-freakin-hours, at least, a day makes life a lot more miserable than just ignoring the whole thing altogether. thank goodness for family, and my man, it is more and more bearable. tell me a thing or two about your routines, cuz i really am not too fond of being happy in a place that is fake and has lots of imbeciles. i might be one too, heaven knows, but i really aim for the stars. so, please, pardon me. thank you.

i recently realised too, that there are some odd requests i-dont-know-since-when, popped up in Elaine Elizabeth Lwk. had it been the social network's problem or had it been there all the while and just popped out after all these while? i dont know what to do. honestly. i dont know the motive. i dont know if they are the same people. heck, i dont know if it is worth being sad all over again. really. i am beat. those days are over. really nice having and knowing people who have once been significant in your life, but had made your life a living hell for nothing at some point.

tell me what to do? one has not enough emotions to support every form of dilemma. i guess im in one of those situations now. one that i couldnt fathom, or might not need to know...

perfectionist. + a little inappropriate

...and here comes the anxiety.

sometimes i tend to fuss about all the small things, considering everything down till the smallest of small details. i become a nervous-wreck through silence, knowing what i did wrong or what happens around me that is not right but i dont quite now for sure what to do, at times. this annoys the hell out of me, and i could be so very bothered by little things that it actually ruins my whole day&night. i should really learn to let go and just not be so tense all the time.

do you, or do you not make a mountain out of a molehill? : )

confused

recently, or maybe it is that time of the month every month, i experience this heartfelt emptiness that shouldnt be around at all for i have most advantages that a lot of people doesnt. temporary happiness doesnt compensate long term satisfactions, i thought. this and that. that is why, i say i probably think too much. maybe this isnt normal. having said thinking too much, it affect not only my happiness but people around me as well. i wonder if this is temporary, or is it gonna go on- - this feeling of abandonment.

a friend said, it is your choice to wait and see, but you will have to bear the consequences when the day comes.

i have, mentally calculated the wreck extend of my emotional state if i were to really fall into the thoughts that i have built myself all-these-time. see? this stupid calculation alone is already a sign of abnormality itself. pfft. like i said, i have and had been on safety measures for some time now. there is really nothing to insure on our emotional wellbeing, really. these things about heart, isnt always cured with mental strength. once the heart breaks, it takes a lot more than just a strong will to move on.

compromise

...cannot be taken for granted sometimes.

im taking chances, whatever chances

i only write about two feelings.

happiness or sadness. there isnt anything in between, i figured. but this is the way it is. it has always been the two feelings since the whole universe is created. maybe those in between feelings are non-existent merely because they are just a transition from happy to sad, or vice versa. i dont know. but i do believe so. hmm, and maybe directions in these terms is either you are going to bang a wall, or fall into infinite air. it could be, right? like the movie inception, if this life is to be just another dream then anything could happen. any-freakin-thing!

sometimes, i dont know who or what to believe anymore. (and yes, i think i wrote the same sentence somewhere some time before. i forgot)

oh well, guess we are all screwed either way.

who are we?

im not fond of playing the guessing game. people say that you change your life by changing your heart altogether. it is not a very nice thing, to me. im a generally misunderstood person, whereby i dont live up to the expectation of many. well, i dont really know if it is because i have changed the way i present myself or people have changed the way of looking at me. i think perhaps both.

shuo le zai jian

i said goodbye to parts of my old self. it is a state of moving on. hopefully towards something better(?) i dont know, really. but it certainly should happen at some point. everyone should have a gauge of whether or not to go on leaving yourself behind, those that are of no use to bring forward to (but which have, before, helped you grow).

dont look back. no, maybe look back once in a while. it wouldnt hurt so much if today is way better than before.

but i would say dont look back, yet.

main reason why

...it has become a routine rather than want&need.

maybe i just think about you way too much, and some other random people that i still think about every now and then.

why do you look so familiar? i could swear that have seen your face before. i think i like that you seem sincere. i think i would like to know you a little bit more...

500th day

officially 500days of us being together. i still couldnt believe i have come this far, with him. we dont need to have a reason and we dont always have the best ways to compromise. sometimes, we are just wasting time. but i think there is just something more working behind this whole theory of us being together, accidentally or not.

who knows what could happen, there isnt anything special with this figure for anybody. but it is special, to me. there is so much to celebrate, i think, even it is just like any other days.

happy 500th day, darling. love you.

i want someone that walks in my life on accident and stays on purpose

...and i got it. lucky or not, i dont know. but he is to stay right here, in my heart for always.

the greatest relationships are the ones that you never expected to be in. and i am in one now. awesome much?

i dont know. you tell me...

i aint tough, love.

i am just not independent enough. maybe i am, but maybe i just dont want to. i need somebody, somebody to be there always.

if you are expecting me to deal with everything myself, am i allowed to have a person other than you that i could go to?

impatient&bad tempered guy(s)

...nowadays, no more mr sweet guy(s). pfft. darling is just A-okay. though there are good&bad times too.

a perfect partner in life is someone who can be with and talk about anything without realizing that the day is over. someone who will always listen and feel twice the joy or pain you are going through. when you start to feel that connection, never let it go because there is more to companionship than there is to love. because in the end, when all else fails and consumed, you will always hold on to those times you dont even need to hear the words i love you.

not all that glitters is gold.

sometimes, when things are so great, we look for flaws because we couldnt believe it is actually real. sometimes, it is real.

we are real, actually.

some just dont want to be real, because when things are real they are all final. when choices are made, there is no turning back, unless you change the way it works along the way. so yea, life is great like that. so suck that.

what if right now you really are living a dream and when you die,

that is when you wake up? - - derrek d.

you are that ghost in my closet

i dont now whether to be hiding in my fear, or to just close up that door and never to touch that feeling again. sometimes, you give me the calmness of belonging. when things go wrong, there i go floating. all these while i am in control of a lot of things, and there are a lot that are out of my control. but this, this could just change my whole life. this, control.

i just wanna leave the world a better place than when i found it. staying happy would be nice too, im always hope for happiness. i just dont want to grow up and become numb, like i have seen happen to many people. i want to live, in love, in a little cosy place in a big city. i want to travel and see everything i can and meet as many people as i can.

i didnt think to be any big shot. searching high and low for that glittery star somewhere for the sake of a moment in history, yes, history. but i would rather have my smile on and shining bright (where everybody stops and stares at its sincerity), every single day and not worry about petty ranks and standard where everybody-is-your-enemy kinda life. we could all do that, there will be no murders, no suicides, no cheating, no lies, and everybody can be their own boss of what is right. morally, i think that is what we all should be. not some hypocrite saying one thing and doing the other in split seconds. well, im definitely not taking about sleeping all day&night, wasting life away in drugs or whatever kinda life. im talking about life, the other way round! chill people, there is much more to life than just being on top... ( look who's talking xD )

calling me baby, like a lullaby.

xie xie ai. love teaches a lot of things. not just boy-girl love, parents' love, friendship, even hatred teaches you to be the person you are, in this case, teaches me to be who i am now. i dont know, i am a person who switches back and forth between taking love too seriously, and not bothering to stand up for it at times. yea, it happens and happened. a lot. now, when i look back, it is only the memory. but memory can do so much you know, as to your emotional state and perspective when looking at people, romantically-or-not.

intriguing possibilities

there may be harm in risking, but remember there can also be regrets in doing nothing. sometimes, either way you tend to make a fool of yourself, so to me, the point is to make a choice whether or not you wanna save only your face or to go for it and save your heart from either breaking or regretting. dont you think?

there are two obvious reasons why people dont talk about something. either it doesnt mean anything, or it means everything. think about it. but yet, i still couldnt get over it if there is something bothering me and i cant know about it, even if it doesnt mean anything. so yea, lol.

281010

sixteen months ago today, you asked me to be yours. you whispered to my ear i love you. at first, i was shocked. it came a lot like a ------ to me because it came unexpected, really. i was thinking more of the lines of let's go out more often kinda thing. i would love that, cuz i just love spending time with you. but i was still in a mess, and i didnt know how to settle down for a relationship so quickly yet. and you used the words i was afraid of hearing, yet was touched to hear.

sixteen months later, we have been through heaps of fights, laughs, and what not. to many people, sixteen months is a lot. i never really thought we could endure this long. to be honest, im scared.

we were both very different people. i guess love glues. hah.

i know you have always had confidence, but to me, i wont truly be confident about us until we go over the two-years mark(?). what is worse is, we are in the middle of a lot of things right now, and you seem to be doing fine without me a lot of the time. it is good, that you think we are very comfortable with the relationship and has all that positive confidence that it will last. i know it is silly, but i wish you knew how much it scares me that you could be too confident about everything.

you and me, it means a lot, and im scared.

so please, just reassure me. please?

in my head

you know what, darling...

i think im scared of you. or afraid for you. or just fearful. i think im all of that. because it is you, and all the possibilities you carry with you. because you are yiktian.

true love is like this

if she’s amazing, she wont be easy.

if she’s easy, she wont be amazing.

if she’s worth it, you wont give up.

if you give up, you are not worthy.”

—Unknown