emotional strain

i think it is safe to say that most people would have felt suffocated and overwhelmed when good things (or bad things) come in heaps when you least expect them to.  it is at those times when you almost lose faith in thinking that good things will still happen in your life, that these blessings come pouring in. verbal support, physical strength and stability you can count on, sights&sounds of happiness, these and more - comes knocking at your door just begging for you to open up your heart to just welcome them into your life, however miserable you may be at that point of time.

 

i do, and still am filled with anxiety over things i couldnt control. things of my own doings, as well as things i never would have seen coming - maybe from a year ago. i wouldnt say it is all good or bad, at all, but i am still flabbergasted at all the angst im experiencing over the past hour and a half looking at this blank page not knowing what to write or fill in first!

 

it is nerve-wrecking, to have an overflowing of ideas and thoughts but an inability to express it as best i could. not like this. not when everything feels so jumbled up in knots that nobody have ever discovered and put a name to. not when i am scared to face it just yet.

 

this is, overwhelming. it is.

 

i do have panic attacks that affect me quite badly at very odd times, i just dont deal with it like a medical condition that i should. i guess that somehow helped me face most of my doubts i wouldnt say anybody from a medical background would have approved of. i avoid them...for as long as i could. i just try shutting that part that brings panic, up to a point when the problem fills up the entire mind like a merry-go-round that just doesnt stop rotating and playing that awfully enchanting melody. (enchanting melodies can be scary, yes?)

 

until all these that bugs me get sorted out nicely and i can tuck myself to peaceful slumbers, this blog wont be an outlet to another trivial and/or meaningless post - i promise.

to expedite control

...am back to work, on a very sunny September week. September is here(for the past three days, oops!) and here we go counting down to another brand new month. time and time again we remind ourselves to step out of the box and do something about ourselves/our lives/our family/our friends/our community. what do you actually write in your diaries or daily journals? is it only on your diet plans, or your whole outlook towards the past, present or the future?

 

lately, i have been digging through old journals and scribbles from old notebooks in an effort to rediscover myself. what i envisioned myself to be from the eye of my 15-year-old self, what was most important to be, growing up(in my own words) and what exactly are my priorities now. i browse through relevant&unrelevant sources from the internet, have random inquisitive conversations with people from many walks of life, i talk to myself...literally. no, im not going bonkers, but yes, i talk to myself - or to my dogs. i know that i have come to a lot of significant realizations from those silly banters. what you actually tell yourself without being overly conscious of your surroundings or to be overly sensitive of another being's feelings is a revelation of some sort in itself. you tell yourself what you really want to, from the heart to the heart. simple. then think. not think of what you wanted to say before saying it to yourself, then what is the difference from holding a normal daily conversation with people? just listen to yourself, always give some time to yourself above the rest. you will feel better.

 

note: dont have to really talk to yourself, though.

 

i wont say that i failed myself in any ways or that i have succeeded much. what i know for sure is that i improved myself and learnt things that i ought to learn in my process of living this life. i have got my fair shares of tangible and magical moments. to say the least, as normal as my life would seem i think it is only wise to say that i lived it the way many couldnt have been able to, at my age.

 

curiosity often brings many surprises. i think that without the urge to want to experience something new, something that you dream about, there seem to have no push for you to reach for that particular matter.

 

 

 Sears Tower Glass Balcony, credits to Jared Newman (via DesignCrave.com)

 

im ending this post with this amazing photo of a glass balcony. the whole dreamy setting even in broad daylight makes me slightly more enthusiastic for possibilities that even more awesome things will be done.

 

 

cheers! xo

rules of an analogue Sunday

sundays actually IS the fine line between weekend and the start of a weekday. it changes mood. it changes the clarity of thoughts some people had during the relaxing weekend to being emotionally disturbed and being worried about work/people/life. sunday makes you think that time passes by just to fast, and lets you ponder about lost time and how to cherish moments. sunday - is all that and more.

my sunday is a day i decide to not do anything significant at all. i dont plan to do anything. i dont want to plan anything, on a sunday. it is totally different with things coming up randomly and we ended up doing it or doing something just because we want/need to do it at that point of time. so, sunday is my unofficial-do-nothing-day. 

i wake up late. i deal with whatever personal business i have in the washroom and all that. i look into the mirror at my own face for the longest time that i want to without having to rush for work or whatever planned event like a weekday. i stare at the bright blue sky and pick up a book or the phone or the hairdryer or opens the closet for outfit of the day. i can open the window and the doors and go around the house compound i have grown so accustomed to all my life, that i can walk with my eyes closed without tripping over anything. i just do whatever that comes up to mind. it is that kind of day. it should be that kind of day. a day for yourself, for your family, whatever you make out of it.

sunday, the day before work or school or all the formality the week could be for you&me.

sunday.

so, this is my life. and i am telling you that im both happy and sad and im trying to figure out how that could be. one question that i have been pondering for a bit more than the rest is, will this habit last for a few more weeks or will it ever end? i am still wondering, as of now.

...and then i will get bored and get trapped because that is what happens to me.

hmm...

how do you spend a sunday?

some kind of beautiful

regardless of what state of mind we are in, we have our very own definition of beauty. what might appeal to you does not necessarily appeal to me in the same way. maybe a little, but at a different perspective. maybe that difference applies value to everything we do or say or think. architecture would have been very significantly different to a carpenter from a small village than to an experienced architect from the big city. both have their core principles that works in their own ways. there is no denying that we live&prosper in the most opposite of extremes, but swap it the other way around it could be the end for both parties. just saying.

 

food for thought;

every project is unique: a site and a circumstance, a culture, a climate, a program. all of these forces are unique and you need a concept to hold the manifold pieces together, an idea that makes the project significant in its place and for its purpose. that is always the way i begin projects. // steven holl's answer when questioned about his sources of inspiration.

 

now, look at these;

 

Courtesy pf Estée Lauder Companies Inc. (via archdaily.com)

Donna Karan's Woman Perfume Bottle by Zaha Hadid

 

 

 

 

 

Villa Extramuros by Vora Arquitectura

pictures credit to Adrià Goula (via archdaily.com)

 

beauty of the week, from me, to sign off. have a great weekend! xo