March 21, 2012

get drunk

one should always be drunk. that is the great thing; the only question. not to feel the horrible burden of time weighing on your shoulders and bowing you to earth, you should be drunk without respite.

drunk with what? with wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you please. but get drunk.

and if sometimes you should happen to awake, on the stairs of a palace, on the green grass of a ditch, in the dreary solitude of your own room, and find that your drunkenness is ebbing or has vanished, ask the wind and wave, ask star, bird, or clock, ask everything that flies, everything that moans, everything that flows, everything that sings, everything that speaks, ask them the time; and the wave, the wind, the star, the bird and the clock will all reply : it is time to get drunk! if you are not to be the martyred slave of time, be perperually drunk! with wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you please.

i wish i am always drunk, with the beauty in life, soak up all the love-hate around me, and just be. im tired of playing guessing games what if, or will this be, or what next. i just want to be happy. but being happy should be simple and not having a wide open heart that allows for hurt and fear and anger. to justify my inability to be fully happy, i have it all. 

that is why.

March 17, 2012

entirely different


-   Soren Kierkegaard

it has been said that time heals all wounds. i do not agree. the wounds remain. in time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.


never.

March 15, 2012

unhappy

you are just too different. it makes me so very unhappy sometimes to know the fact that i can hardly be happy for long. i admit that i am truly fickle minded, but i cannot contain any longer these anger&frustration that i have always been suppressing, in more ways that i have known to.

she yells (inside or verbally) because she cares.
she cries because she is frustrated.
she smiles out of no where because she is thinking of you, even when you are already there.
she scrunches her face because she is about to explode.
she stares at you because she is infatuated.
she calls you up because she misses you and wants to hear your voice.
she talks to you because she is your other half, not mom.
she kisses you because she wants to.
she asks you questions because she is curious, not to be annoying.
she wants to know where you are to be with you.
she walks beside you to be able to hold your hand.
she sits close to you to be near to you body&soul.
she stand in front of you to see your face and hug you.

and so much more.

truth is, this girl loves you. so so so much.

March 14, 2012

imissyou

it is funny how people say they miss you, but dont even make an effort to see you personally. 


every day, i walk past people - my mother, colleagues, bosses, the janitors, people next door, people sipping coffee at the coffeeshop. i drive past homes, buildings - corporate ones, private ones or public. i wave hello and goodbye. i sigh relief and disappointment. i breathe in pleasant and unpleasant. i put on a face i make believe is myself, truly. i close my eyes and feel so many things at once. every day. but not once that i actually understand those behavior. 


even now, i do not know exactly what i wanted to accomplish or to write about in this very blog. people say there is a reason for everything, but i know having this blog is definitely not for fame or recognition. i have not figured out the exact genre or direction of writing in here, but it is neither personal nor general. it has none of the categories most people raved about. it has not been a medium for any extraordinary raves from my side of the world, either. just words, only written statements that my mind has made up with a little discussion with the heart.


...and the heart agrees to most of it.

March 12, 2012

vintage love


dear you,

i know that i have not been behaving at my best these past few months, and i know that it has not been the time that we are most fond of. i have not been living in denial, as i thought denial is only something a non-existent person would do. i believe, yes, i believe in that. i believe in facing the truth, going head to head with problem so that it could end or begin then and there. 

well, things have not been smooth for all time. there has been hiccups, things that has been skipped, moments that has been lost or found again. but when i see you, the world stops. it stops, and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. there is nothing else, literally. no noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. the world just stops, and it is a beautiful place, and there is only you.

i need to remember. remember, that this is now, and now, and now.
i will need to live it, feel it, cling to it.
i want to become acutely aware of all that i have taken for granted.

sincerely,
me.

pushing my luck


you cannot, and im serious, you cannot be ashamed of who you are, no matter how much shit you get for it - my father used to tell me. God gave you all that you have, all that you are for you to be yourself. and you should be proud, because you are beautiful just the way you are, nothing more and nothing less. because i used to glance at any mirror or mirror-like things and then fix my hair or check my clothes and tidy my appearance - lets just say i took a long time just to be ready for an outing, i bet a lot of us girls would be too. but he always tells me, my girl looks pretty already, it is not so proper to look into the mirror too much. i did, ignore him most of the time, but his comments and advice remains in my heart at all times. especially when he tells me to sleep earlier, pointing out on surfacing acne i had at times. yes, he cares for our skin and well being all the time, he is that involved in my life. i always have my own words and reasons to retort most of his comments in things that i do and do not. well, those were the days when there were too much words and now i had none.

i probably need to relax more. people say, there is no competition, really. only with yourself, to better and to improve. 

that's all.

i should probably agree with him about this. perhaps, to go without artificial things in life for as long as i can. starting with less vanity.

March 06, 2012

random post on a random tuesday

attached herewith an article i found to be very interesting. something that describes a girl - not another model, in a meaningful way.

date a girl who reads by rosemarie urquico
(in response to charles warnke’s You Should Date an Illiterate Girl

" Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes. "





ps // now, dont you think that was just lovely? you dont have to actually date one. have a friend who actually reads, or writes

xoxo

March 02, 2012

dirty little secret

i will have music instrument doors in my house in the future. i have set my mind, that if i am able to, my house would be psychedelic and eclectic, with all class and elegance in one. if i am able to...

i want it to be that way. 

it has to be.

my life, all drawn out inside my head. even things i am wanting to do to my family members day after day. to my partner to go through every single day without boredom ever in the dictionary of ever. to my beloved pet dogs. to the house.

back to the house. everything HAS to start with the house. 

or else...

or else it would have not happen at all.

that would definitely be sad. so sad i could break down and cry right here right now. okay, no drama, but yes. i could break down and cry. 

my mind is always full of dirty secrets i could not wait to do and make them all happen in the most beautiful ways.

secrets, safe with me.

March 01, 2012

this pain




this song. current replays.

just not coherent at all, with the title.

ugh.

play the song, though. very calming, and yet, very disturbing. feelings is just too messed up right now.