very not myself lately

purple thursday

i know everybody wants something like this, growing up. in one way or another. i want, too. it is just so rare nowadays, but i know i could have it. you told me we could have this kind of relationship. you also taught me that this is only a matter of being ourselves, with ourselves, for ourselves. yes, you taught me so much. but ours, is the one that didnt survive as pictured in the image. 

im sure we are better on our own, being sunshines to people as we were sunshines to each other. thank you for being in my life, for as long as you did...

just a random post about having (used to) a soulmate.

anxiety strike

my emotions change so drastically everyday. i could feel on top of the world and then, suddenly, i am numb. seconds from breaking down. it is scary, even to myself.

there is just too many possibilities, and i cannot stop imagining living with each possible ways that i could think of. but it is the thinking and doing part that i dont understand why most of us just dont go with what is on our minds most of the time. why? i cannot even explain to myself, let alone make good with my own head. such a confusing inner conflict.

cruel realization

some medical officers a.k.a. doctors are truly heartless and non-dedicated. i wonder why did they apply for med-school in the first place if they have no intention at all to make people well again! especially this indian lady doctor (i assume is doing her housemanship or whatever practical at Klinik Kesihatan Luyang, Kota Kinabalu). i wouldnt go there if it wasnt for another young&inexperienced private doctor's recommendation. this Dr is the very first doctor that ultimately changed my whole view on good doctors. sigh.

nevermind about the long and uncomfortable queues and seemingly dirty environment, it is expected - obviously, but i would expect the treatment to be professional and up to standard as medical practices HAS to be. but NO! to my disappointment, that doctor didnt even pay enough attention to me or to my illness that she didnt even care to understand my situation to inquire thoroughly with at least matched symptoms before sending me to get ridiculous medical tests at the chest department that requires  me to spit literally invisible phlegm and with rude staff nurses! pffft. in short, she didnt even looked at me long enough to know what i have been telling her in my best language and interpretation. so i am furious and emotional and lost at that point of time to not understand why i should be taking those tests when i fully (if not half understood) some of the very obvious symptoms of the horrible disease of which the tests she directed me to take.

nonetheless, i left with swollen eyes and sniffling after crying for having to go through all the stupidity and hassle of being treated like a dumb person.

i would never ever ever go back there ever, if possible. amen.

clear skies

looking back on high school, i just remember specific scenarios and thinking, wow, that was such a big deal at the time, but right now it feels like it never even happened. so i guess if i can give any advice, i would just say that everything will pass, and it will feel like it was a big deal over nothing. life goes on and then you change and other things happen, and everything feels like it is so much worse afterwards. it will always get better. right?

when i look back on my liife, it is not that i dont want to see things exactly as they happened. it is just that i prefer to remember them in an artistic way - my way.

11.11.11

totally agree with this quote;

I am so romantic about Gypsies. They’re not allowed to do anything until they get married. So they all get married really young, at sixteen. You can’t believe the dresses. They’re like blinging butterflies times ten; they can’t move down the aisle! It’s so genius. I was just watching Jamie, so cute, and I was like, these girls, they just spend their whole life waiting for that day—let’s do it! // Kate Moss, Vogue

i used to stick to this belief too, until i grew up and realize that the belief stays but only the execution of the ways and perception is a little different. of course, the whole idea of it isnt altered completely.

so...

a lot of people gets hitched at these dates - 09.09.09, 10.10.10 and now 11.11.11. there is another 12.12.12 next year, but i wonder what is next when there is definitely no 13.13.13 after that. what is so special about that date when you would have to share it with hundreds or maybe thousands of couple in the whole wide world. what's more, that date wont ever be repeated, ever - not until a hundred years later in 2111. hmm.

anyways, i was just thinking. that's all.

what is missing?

the state of missing somebody is hard to fathom or to explain in a proper conversation or writing. it could be of many similarities as well as many many differences.

i think you just wanted somebody to want you. well, i did want you. but be brave, sometimes i too, realize that times passed and it isnt right anymore - however right a situation might be.

near death

things end at a blink of an eye. what happened this morning was a warning for me to take important things seriously and not to make a fool of myself dying out of stupid reasons. thank goodness the crash didnt leave me paralyze or whatsoever (i truly thank god for that) or else i wont be able to do a lot more things that i need or should do. am gonna focus on finishing my work and send it over to client over the weekend and then recuperate from that shock, of this morning.

 

did he really just do that?

very unlikely, that you actually did what you did at the end of that very brief goodbye. a temporary goodbye, or was it a permanent goodbye? i am not sure - at all. *shrug* do you mind telling me? in any way possible? what was that?

there are few people whom i really love, and still fewer of whom i think well. the more i see of the world, the more am i dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense. // jane austen, pride and prejudice