ethereal

some things stay for always. some things just dont. they come into your life like a breeze and before you know it, it disappears. only in secret sanctuary, memories stay - and forever it stays, in the heart that is unbreakable.

why oh why

the paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeway but narrower viewpoints. we spend more, but have less; we buy more but enjoy less. we have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences but less time. we have more degrees but less senses. more knowledge, but less judgment. more experts, yet more problems. more medicine, but less wellness.

people drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch too much tv, amd pray too seldom - for whatever it is. we multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. we talked too much, love too seldom, and hate too often - generally, people do. right?

we have learned how to make a living, but not a life. we have added years to life, not life to years. we have been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor or friend. we conquered outer space but not our inner self.

people have done larger things, but not better things. we have cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. we have conquered the atom, but not our basic prejudices.

who are we, today?

something's missing

whenever i come back , peeked through the windows and see the sky smiling bright back at me. passing through unconscious states, i reckon there is just as many lost thoughts as new thoughts in my head every moment. i dont see why we should get all uptight about things, partially going so well as we just laughed and hugged and held hands. i think we should continue doing this for eternity. it just felt so right. but yes, so wrong, and we just dont know why fate is just like that. makes you think, but thinking doesnt really brings you to a new level and changes a frown to a smile. we smile because we can, and not the other way round.

something is missing right now. i think it is you.

constellation

i guess sometimes, when being mad at something trivial i get to really pinpoint what i actually see. people are not what we really see. things like seeing one thing, and being one thing totally exists. we turn to a lot of different mediums to get our thoughts straight or to get them to be understood. but what are we looking for actually? we look at the stars for guidance, we seek the moon for refuge. in the end, does it even comfort us even a little bit?

cocktails, dinner & dancing

it is effin april already!

...and we thought there is eternity ahead of us. oh gosh. who are we fooling here huh? life just dont get easier. everyday is a struggle. everyday is a battle. it doesnt get easier with time. in fact, it gets harder. the secret is finding someone who is willing to work with you and who will push you, challenge you, makes it harder for you to leave and give up. the beauty is in the struggle.

we need to be hurt once in a while. (not that i am even a bit fond of being hurt, but i really think it is necessary in ways to truly appreciate) how else will we learn not to make the same mistakes? we need to get left outside in the rain, we need to be forgotten. we need to feel alone, and we need to learn what it feels like to love someone who has no intention of loving you back. because, eventually someone who truly cares about you will come into your life. and if it were not for these past mistakes, you would not have even realized how beautiful it feels to be loved.

...one fine day, i danced in the rain - and he danced as well. the warmest time of my life.

dont look back in anger - oasis

happy birthday to my mommy dearest!

today!

...and i still get chills down my neck when she calls my full name.

(means im in trouble) lol

meanwhile, having almost-zero-tolerance-on-facing-the-computer-screen-and-having-design-block today, i went over some old emails and blogposts just to hit some high scores with my memory. i did, and guess what! i re-read 'essays' from old times debate on right or wrong, weak or strong, ups and downs with a former flame. it irked me, at the thought of having to remember bitter parts of my life at first, but then it turns out to be amusing at one point. i dont know whether to be glad that i have gone through that transition. i dont know, if i should still miss the conversations and straining mind games. they all have helped me become me today, but of course, all credits to me being smart stupid crazy all combined.

i text a lot. i probably should be using emails instead, as my texts when i need to get my points across is like ten pages long. people who knows me would understand the trouble they are getting when receiving my texts when there is things to talk about, especially the boyfriend and similar people. (: im sorry guys, but i love writing, in general. teeheehee.

so, now i look back to a lot of things and then i think differently. not because i have changed, but the situations have changed. i am merely growing with the flow. note that i said growing, instead of going.

cosmiques

i think love is a feeling.

it is that feeling you get when you know you are going to see that person.

you are always counting down the minutes, the hours, the days, or even the months until you will see them again because you love that feeling you have when you are with them. you know, that butterfly, giggly, warm, this-smile-is-never-gonna-leave-my-face feeling.

love is a feeling of perfect happiness and contentment.

being in their arms means that everything will be okay and even if it is really not going to be, you get a feeling that they will do whatever they can to make it be, or just try to make you feel better. it is that feeling that you are loved for who you are and you love them for who they are, every bit of them, no matter how obnoxious or out of character they may seem at times.

it is about how you love to brag about them and annoy your friends(in good humor). it is about how they are the first one you want to talk to when anything good or bad happens. and how you are always learning something new, no matter how long you have been dating.

it is about changing and being a new person, not necessarily changing your ways or who you are, but wanting to be different and a better person simply because that person is in your life and you want to be everything to them.

ps: i know i write about love, a lot. i cannot even say that i know love inside out nor i can say that i am experienced enough to write about it. but how can you ever measure the love you have felt? what you and i have experienced can never be compared with. i am just relating to the relative things that i have felt, and is feeling, at times when i think that i am in love...

love is a funny thing. you expect it to be easy. you expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. you expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. you expect him to calm you down when you are mad or to chase you when you run away. you expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesnt exactly match up with all your plans. but that is the thing. love isnt a plan. it doesnt have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

love happens; it is so incredibly messy. people around you cant comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they cant see. they cant see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you are in love. it is inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we cant live without it. what you dont learn is how hard love is. how much work it takes. how much of ourselves we have to put into it. how it isnt worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

love isnt him calming you down when you raise your voice. (although i would very much love this) but it is him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. it isnt him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. it is after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning(i wish) anyway. it is not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. so no, it is not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. it is her standing there, admitting she is just as scared as you are. you have to remember that with love, you are not the only one involved. you have unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. do what you will. mash it into mince meat. or forget i ever handed it to you. as long as you have it.

maybe i have already taken to heart, accepting what it is like to be really living with the person i love, rather than expecting movie-like drama everyday. hmm....

it makes us crazy. it makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldnt cross. because love isnt about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. it is about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. and it is a hell of a lot better, than being a hundred percent happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling happy and feeling whole.

pps: ....having described a lot of what i think and feel of love here, makes me realise that i have a lot of expectations. with those description, i actually just found out that i have those in mind that i didnt acknowledge before. it might not have been happening, or happened, but it might happen...if i believe. yet, that idea might change and there are a lot of things going on in my head that i havent really figured out just yet. i hope it is all good, though. thank you for reading. my gibberish (:

where ends meet

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, im not going to make it. but you laugh inside remembering all the times you have felt that way. and you walked to your bathroom, do your business, see that face in the mirror. oh my oh my oh my, and you brush that hair anyway.

life is more than a series of moments, you know? we can make choices and we can choose to protect the people we love. and that is what makes us who we are.

who you are

i dont know how to tell you what i feel. i live in (almost)perpetual expectancy. that is why i could not really tell what i want, in exact words. maybe im just waiting for things, or me to be understood if there is any intention of that in you to do so. i dont want to have to be verbal in everything that i do, or want to do. as a baseline, i do everything in my might to be in your life that i sometimes think why. these unspoken thoughts are what bugs me every night when i lay my head, vaguely reminding me of my own prerogatives. automatically like an audio player, even when i didnt turn on that repeat button - it always goes on and on, without fail.

you come, and the time slips away in a dream. it is only when you leave that i realize completely your presence. and then it is too late. you numb me, in a way that i will never be able to fathom. maybe, in the millionth time when all these emotions collide. but let me tell you this, then, i wont be the same me.

mockery bickery

first of april! it is april, yo! hello april!

you took it back. well how could you go and do something like that? my fingernail phase, worst has got the best of you. i ask you and i know i need a change. you ripped my heart out of me then you put it back. im pulling my hair, i let you just a millionth time. i love you even though it sometimes isnt fair.

run, we go around again in circles, playing this game over&over again.

between the lines

you know that feeling? when you are just waiting, waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and let everything out that you have kept in all day. that feeling of both relief and desperation.

nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either. i am just tired. tired of everything. tired of nothing. i just want someone to be there and tell me it is okay, even if it is not really true. i just know i have to be strong for myself, because it is a fact that nobody can fix me - other than myself. but im tired of waiting. tired of being the one to fix myself and everyone else. tired of being strong. and for once, i just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved. and i know i wont be. not yet. but im still hoping. and im still wishing. and im still staying strong and fighting, with tears in my eyes, im fighting.

note to self; there is just so much i could fight, sometimes. maybe letting it be is the best solution. maybe i just havent found that something that would make me smile not matter what. or maybe i was just too busy looking, and feeling, that i didnt realise i have already got the piece that i have been missing all these while. oh god, help me...

infatuation to a story

...in my head.

the light greeted me like a faithful old friend. it is a constant struggle. lingering in my footprints, in my kisses in times of sweetness, in the breath trailing from my mouth in your skin. it is no longer this or that, but is this right?

it is no longer a simple, two-sided equation but an equation with endless variables falling apart under the smoldering reminder of what is. these variables create limbs sprawled outward, they lay spilled out on my grounds, my skies, and in my brain. pressed with questions and morals and doubts.

how did everything suddenly get so goddamn.......difficult ?

mental mentruation

i know it sounds gross, but yes, that is what happening to me. i think.

something is definitely wrong with me. dont start saying this is stupid or try to laugh at me, at all. im saying this in an understated-serious-tone-maybe-not-shown-through-words now.

those mood swings are really something arent they? that superficial happiness is the best thing you have come across in as long as you can remember and it is beautiful. it is like you are floating in pink clouds eating candies and dancing like your life depends on it. and in that moment in time you feel invincible and nothing can get to you, you feel like you can bring the whole world together and make a ground-breaking difference in this chaos you live in. but then melancholy tints your euphoria and it feels like you are falling, falling, falling back to the ground and a great big hand is clutching at your heart as it weeps and weeps and weeps.

okay. that is about how dramatic i could get, for now.

thank you.

on the contrary

...of writing this post, today, i find nothing of myself worth sharing. i lose the promise of written language, exited the possibility of wandering into communication which changes that.

perhaps i am waiting for another ignition of passion to begin to burn again. i am desperate to have it all uncover again, a change that could light my path further along in this journey of mine in self-discovery.

i wish to say these fragments aloud and let them guide me some place, allow them to pull me closer to inspirations, push me further in comfort and strength of worries&fear. may it illuminate pain singing and shaking the troubles and triumph that cradles with hesitation.

...a breakthrough, in progress. (:

happy 21st monthsary darling. may this fire burn bright and long, for us. xx

for your information

my biggest fear is insanity, but being so close to it intrigues me. i see so much beauty in the things that im most afraid of.

a brutal swap of words between the good&bad which comes out as screams&cheers in my head which digs as molecules sparking. they uncovers the deep things buried inside one another. reaching in to pull them out, and rest them safely in the palm of my hands - by imagination.

my energy is waning constantly. so tired of these common themes and my inability to change the hard parts. life is like that, one of the universal truths we all agree and only admit in silence most of the time. though so, i believe everybody is living a story and trying to write a better script in every way. arent we?

back to reality

... after my long break from everything..and things felt good, probably because im back to familiar grounds again. kk-penang-kedah-perlis-kedah-langkawi-kedah-penang-kk. that is about where&how we have traveled.

the main occasion for this trip is to attend a wedding, in true hokkien tradition! and yes, it is my very first time having seen everything that is done in that manner, hokkien-style. other than that, it was mainly an eat-walk-talk kinda thing, just enjoying the time off work and not having a care to what happens on my work-desk then.

food galore! amongst my favorite food in kedah was this otak-otak-steamed-style! yummy to the max! well, there seem to be a lot of small town hawker material that we have tasted along the trip but this struck me as both delicious and healthy(?) and cheap! picture below, is laksa, and i know(!) it doesnt look like one. the reason why it looks like that is because it is a homecooked-freestyle-buffet-laksa that i can actually pick whichever ingredient available to be in my laksa. and this version of mine is filled with loads of pineapple&cucumber slices, with everything else underneath namely the noodle, the-whatever-sauce(im sorry i dont even know what sauce it is), whatever leaves, and whatever else there is necessary to be in that bowl of laksa. there are these spices/vegetable/(this, something) that i was not at all fond of because of its repelling taste when i accidentally chewed it, i think it stinks, im sorry. hmm, or maybe it was something else that i was offered during my laksa-time that i coudnt bring myself to remember now. it was all a blur as it was like a feast day-and-night kinda thing. very weird though that i didnt put on too much weight all the while i was there. maybe it was the weather. maybe it was all the marathon-style-tour&roadtrips. i dont know. but i would be truly ecstatic if i was told that my metabolism level increased after every happy time. is that even possible? pfft.

im not anything close to a good narrator or writer or (another)whatever, so pardon my inability to properly describe (even) my own experiences in appropriate ways. thank you. (:

here's...the groom, arriving at the bride's home and preparing to woo his bride. this is where the fun part begins. there arent gonna be photos posted here, nor that i am gonna elaborate further. so yea, it is only gonna be in my memory, my mental recollections of what happened from the beginning of this wedding till the wedding banquet itself. it was a happy occasion, though, even the fact that all of us have to go through about an hour drive to get to the bride's place to get her. well, sorry for the lack of story-telly. it would be too long and too much pictures to show if i were to narrate the whole process here, given that im so bad with shortening stories (as everybody says so).

an image taken from where i was being seated, the towering cake as a background to the gorgeous bride and groom and his parents. the setting was altogether simple yet very elegant. it was a sight to remember.

last, but not least, us together in the almost-playful manner as a couple during the whole procession, not like the other entourage. teehee. i would probably add in more visuals soon. being in a big crowd, you tend to have pictures taken separately, in lots(!) of different gadgets! (: needs time to sort things out, even from my own camera. maybe i should upload it all in facebook. at least there will be another place for storage and keepsake, in case my hard disc or phone memory or whatever flash drive gets the blues to not let me be sentimental about this trip in the future. lol.

one of those days

i hate those nights when you really just need to talk to someone but no one answers the phone. it always seems to work out that way.

im just gonna go read a book.

or, im gonna just do all of 30-day-challenge, or rather - the-30-questions, in this one post.

wait, which would you prefer to know anyways? i would be glad to answer if anybody could be kind enough to give me feedback that this is important enough for me to answer and maybe get to know myself better.

pain&groans

there are times when i felt really really sick, my body tells me that being sick isnt always about physical pain and suffering. most of the times it is the mind telling the body that it has to just feel pain, rather than just hiding it behind those smiles and nonchalant attitude. the heart has a way of telling the mind&body things we cannot explain.

so yea, i had a major gastritis pain for almost close to a week. having met my doctor and had a checkup when the pain is at the point of insufferable measures, he told me that there is nothing wrong with me and being the concerned person that he has always been, asked whether i am stressed in any way. i asked him what does it have to do with the pain that im having, and there he is - going all psychological comforting to me.

so people, maybe being all nice and evasive isnt so good at all. it hurts, in one way or the other in the end. there is nothing chronic about my mental status though, no worries. i am still sane and kicking. haha.

long break, another awaits!

it has been a while, since we last had our family vacation. this time, it is different - a breath of fresh air!

some snapshots of Longchuan, China, from my mobile. it's ancient, but breathtaking, this supposed homeland of mine.

the man that takes my breath away. a random picture for this post, (i know) taken at Kasih Sayang Resort on one of our lazy Sunday brunches.

high up, this is where you open up your heart and mind and then just let things flow to the sound of nature.

the family friend that became our tourguide-cum-awesome driver-cum-interpreter-cum-supplier of endless laughter, like a dear brother *hearts*

i miss the weather there. cold, but the warmth felt by heart is irreplaceable.

our life, people's life, one thing for sure we should not compare. everybody is living theirs the best they could, and i would not wanna trade mind for others anytime now. hmm...

more posts to come. when im ready to talk. ):

substitute mind

i just,

...i just need something to happen. a sign that things are going to change. i need a reason to go on. i need some hope. and in the absence of hope, i need to stay in bed, and feel like i might die tonight.

first of march

happy birthday, you!

what have we done the past month? only god knows...

i blog my heart

Honey you are a rock

Upon which I stand

And I come here to talk

I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you

And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load

And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you

And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea

Upon which I float

And I came here to talk

I think you should know

That green eyes, you’re the one that I wanted to find

And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load

And it feels so much lighter, since I met you

Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you.

Coldplay: Green Eyes-- this song will always remind me of you for the rest of my life. i think it’s safe to say it is our song, one of them at least. i will always say that this song is for you because it is and because your eyes are beautiful and because you are amazing. every time i listen to it i smile and i think of you.

a complete moron

...me!

i think everybody has experienced times when they just cringes at the very thought of what just happened that cant be changed anymore. embarrassing? so yes! ):

another friggin dream

...this time, MY wedding! but i cant even see the groom. and my dad was drinking and laughing like a mad man and not escorting me when i walk the aisle. i cant spot my mother either. what a horrible horrible dream! ): i see people i know, and people i dont know shits about. it was at a church, but somehow market-like. one thing i remembered that was nice about the whole thing was that my wedding gown was gorgeous. at least it is something for me to smile about. sigh. what is it all about? all these dreams with terrible meanings to understand and makes you miserable? i dont wanna imagine the day i fall apart doing something right out of the ordinary and all of a sudden there is fire of hell burning me to death. pfft. it might happen, since everything is so surreal to me nowadays. i am just floating through the days...now.

imysssm ):

i cant help it but think what actually does soulmate means? why the eff does everybody seem to be in love but dont know what or who they are loving?

lately i have been distraught, not because there is a hurricane inside of my mind. just because, i feel like a mess being in bigger messes. just saying...

i miss you. you complete me. like, really. ):

qing tian

had been listening to all about your heart by mindy gledhill and thought, why the hell cant i be cheerful about all that i have gone through. it is just to hold on or to let go. either way, there is still a pince of happiness in them somewhere. but that is the point, i cant do both. neither can i not do any of them. someone please cut me into half. maybe when im dead it is gonna be doable, both at the same time.

...this, is the perfect life (: someday, i would love to achieve this!

that silver lining

reds&blacks. there are so many simple ways to celebrate happiness and being together as a team is such a blessing. sweet or sour, altogether still a composition of strength. we just had a simple dinner-cum-cny celebration on eve of chapgohmei right after work and it was genuine good spirit.

part of the team, colleagues that make things happen and buildings gets built. duh! (: these are happy people that makes my day a breeze to go through.

...this person, a mentor, sometimes a friend, sometimes like a dad to me. im truly glad to have known him. a candid shot that seemed natural that we were all happy and high-for the right reasons! i love my colleagues!

no regrets

find something that you love. something that gets you so excited you cant wait to get out of bed in the morning. the money thing will come. i know so many people who have so much more money than i. they are miserable. it is so important to be happy.

Chris Gardner - The Pursuit of Happyness

20110214

...lay down, be still don't worry talk they will. i'll be loving you until morning's first light breaks tomorrow. i'll take care of you tonight.--we the kings

there has always been a steady stream of debate when it comes to vday. but why the hell does everybody make a big fuss out of a day made for loving. yes, everyday is supposed to be the same for love. vday is just another special day to commemorate love of any kinds.

on this day we learn about many things that people do for love, true love stories from near and far, heartbreaks, sweet memories, bitter experiences yadda yadda yadda. let's not talk about the sad part, for today and hopefully in the future. just dwell in this love-y day today (:

happy valentine's day people!

my version of valentine's day this time is a surprise of a so-called dinner date invitation from the boyfriend that comes with this bouquet of beautiful 9stalks. i hesitated for a while, knowing that i might not get my point across if i give in just like that. but this is an occasion to be merry. not significantly there for just once in a year, but here as a reminder for love. forgiveness and understanding is included in that context, so i might as well comply and be happy along. at least try to, and not make a big sucky day out of my life for anger-sake. sigh.

ps: so, let's see what is up tonight during the-date. am not expecting anything fancy, just quality time. hope it is that, and not any less.

such a small world we have, indeed.

it's fascinating that here in kota kinabalu, everybody seems to know everybody. friends, friends of friends, third degree friends, etc and the list goes neverending. but somehow, people seem to know people in our lives, in one way or another.

how do you deal with people you meet everyday, people you have known, or people who knows you? how do you retain a good relationship with everybody? i personally think, that as i grow older, people that i meet tend to change and then indirectly changes my approach to people too. i dont know if this is good or bad. you tell me?

im losing grip

january 31st

a day to remember. a date of simple bliss. if you ask me last year where i saw myself in a year and what would i be doing, i could quickly tell you that this wasnt it. well, this was not really something that i would have guessed or see myself doing in a normal circumstance. everything i am right now is nothing like i thought i would have been. the way things are in general are nothing like i thought they would be. to see people i i know so well becoming strangers, to see people who were once strangers to me means the world to me. seeing time fly by in the blink of an eye and feeling like nothing ever changes. feeling like everything has stayed the same throughout these days, yet looking back at where i was around this exact time last year and everything, different.

melt like a popsicle

i want you, and just you.

detour?

we have been together for so very long it seems to me like nothing will go wrong. but people tell me everyday that they know this boy wont stay. i would like to say that we are the exception and we will be the ones to last but i have seen how good things can end so fast. one day he would be officially mine and everything could be right but in a second it could slip and instantly, a fight. family and friends tell me i will be broken hearted but i cant help to think that theres no reason that this started. i tell people that i know we will end but i could never picture us being just friends. deep in my soul i guess i know that this love maybe is not meant to be but i like to think my your love is the only love for me.

painful thoughts

what you see, the mind plays it over and over again, and walla,

you have gotten yourself a built-in recorder!

caffeine&hypertension

tweeted more than i should, sometimes, but owh-well. twitter is meant for tweet-ing, loads! so there goes my facebook, almost untouched, just there for friend's updates, this and that. i pay a whole lot more attention to my other blogs, and babies nowadays. they become my haven, where i can be happily inspired and inspire. (:

fragments of ideas float around my brain as i tirelessly try to fit them together sometimes. with so many words in my head, i am always afraid of writing them down improperly. or forgetting them in the first place. i cannot seem to write fast enough because somehow a thought always gets lost.

old flames

i just couldnt believe fate. it just comes and goes and make or ruin things whenever and whereever possible. and i dont even get to think straight and have proper choices! how dope is that?

there is one more thing i couldnt bear to lose, besides losing my eyesight, was the ability to write and express my thoughts verbally with utmost absolute ways. i always sort of had my thoughts drafted out ll over my head, and then things just disappear every now and then when i needed to use it most. this actually pisses me off like being pushed over the cliff not knowing what to do next.

yea, dramatic as it could be, i think im slowly losing my flair in thoughts as i am slowly becoming more and more like a mechanically run walking/talking machine with no intention of being one in any way!

pfft, pathetic life.

the past came sweeping by

sometimes, i awake with the nostalgic after taste of something buried under the absurd depth of my memory. pleasant thoughts, sometimes bad. i dont know who i become at times when these beautiful reminiscence recur. i thought they happen just because, to just remind me of the existence of happiness in my life. once before.

what do you do, if happiness that should just remind you becomes reality that comes knocking at your door? what would you do if you were told to choose a path you might have chosen before and regretted?

just, what would you do, if you were me?

better days,y'all

recently, i am not me. just, not, me. i am being a part of here, there and everywhere.

so, instead of wasting that few pathetic minutes of your life looking at the computer screen and thinking of strategies to win the everlasting war, why not look me in the eyes--that few minutes, and make it like the best last few minutes of my life, for me.

dear you...

i adore, but i dont worship

people wont change until they either know enough, or hurt enough.

i think there is some truth in this quote.

we shall pass

...not because

it is better than nothing.

but because

it is better than everything.

...but sometimes you have got to look back and take the time just to think a little bit. about everything.

eleventh one, i know her story

you experience all these things, and they matter, they do; but they dont. i mean, they do but they really dont. it is nice to be my age and look at all of you and hear your conversations about everything happening in your lives. because when you reach the age when you know those thing in the past didnt really matter compared to what is now. i was so young, and so in love.

so young.

i wanna be the person you are scared to lose. but in between all that, i lose myself and i didnt even know. i wont cry. i will just say fuck you and cry.

raindrops&roses

im miles from where you are. i lay down on the cold ground and i, i pray that something picks me up and set me down in your warm arms.

okay, that apart, i think i am looking at my life currently with a different sight. maybe it is a good thing, that i dont dwell in bad things that are happening, and just going ahead with all steam through my days. maybe, just maybe this brings me a new perspective on what i really want in my life.

darling, i thought you give me strength. but no, i think i learnt from you that i have my own hidden strength that i have been deprived of using all these times. and i have them out now. just because you did not truly become my strength. thank goodness for that actually, that i dont just stumble and fall. because without you, and without my realization, i would have. died.

what is important

it is really nice when you talk to someone for the first time and you suddenly feel comfortable and at ease with them.

owh, and dear all, there is no reason you should tolerate other people being mean to you. even if they say they are doing it with love. make sure people know they should be nice to you and if they refuse, walk away from them.

please, always remember that.

it sucks, you know when everything is doing fine, and then it all crashes again. the worst part is, i dont really feel like putting it all back together again.

but i have to.

i.am.confused.

this is not just a crush. what I feel is more than a jumpy feeling when i receive a text from you. it is more than hearing your name and my heart would suddenly skip a beat. i want you to know, that you are someone special. someone that i dont want to lose. someone who makes me look forward to every day.

that happens. and i just wanted you to know.

i am trying to convince myself that, i should keep my distance from now on. i think that if i stay away from you, i will stop assuming and realize that there is nothing really special going on between us. i know it will be hard but if this is the only way to avoid myself from getting hurt, i will try to do it.

tumblr rawks

...sorry for the random rant. but i am in love with my tumblr blog right now. (:

if i keep my distance, will you notice? if i go away, will you come find me? i hate how you change instantly for an unknown reason. dont make me miss the old you, please.

change is a scary thing. everybody around me is changing. i am changing too, only to not realize it myself probably. but it hurts when they are changing not for the better. there are times when one can actually understand what is happening. i just have to look for that moment, of truth.

sometimes, you just sit at home and remember the old times. you laugh by yourself with a ridiculous smirk. then you have that one drop of tear running down your cheeks, because it all changed.

we are all in a circle going round and round and round

i will speak my mind, bluntly, honestly, lovingly, vulgarly. be dumb, embarrassing, pointless posts, and many things you might not approve. yet, if you decide to read this, and you decide you hate me, i dgaf because you know what? you dont actually have to click on this page. you didnt have to sit on your computer facing my posts. you can google anything, and i mean anything at all. if you would like.

first day of work 2011

i think there is a realization in me, at one point, that i have to achieve something better. for myself. when human relationship doesnt satisfy you as much as it was then, materials in life, in turn, provides to that satisfaction. that is when you actually can decide, your own future. maybe yes, i could too. like i always say, if it is meant to be, it will be. so if me being away-for the sake of improving my future and to get things i want without being dependent on another being, endangers our hope of being an item for always, then so be it. at least it proves to me- a tad earlier, that we wont work anyways someday. i really hope it wont happen though. i still secretly (not secret anymore) wish we will have our happily ever after, darling.

i love you.

*big sigh*

1.1.11

hey, i might not be able to heal you but at the very least im good for a laugh before you die.

happy new year 2011, people!

have a great big start in everything!

best wishes, from me to you. (: