cocoracha&cozmique

okay, am just so excited to blabber about my current gaming obsession;

so bear with me (again!)

so proud of having two very nice characters in dragon nest up to the highest level and is still improving the stats in less than a week. yea, that's the geeky me talking. met quite a number of very interesting and kind people who turns out to be really nice in real life, too!

i rush home from work every single day (as soon as i can get off from my pile of work, after sorting the urgencies, which to be finished and which could be postponed), just to get back to the game. consider my waking up and checks the game even before checking out my phone like i usually do (after pressing 'dismiss' on the phone, obviously), and practically drowns myself in the game the whole remaining week obsessive. i guess that the game helped, a lot, in passing time and not being emo about so many irregularities in this life, and to try not to think about the things i decided to not think anymore.

...and i think i even neglected putting my time online and thinking about this blog. well, if it is possible to have a storage of a million times more than the computer - my brain should be able to compromise to let me have fun while letting me keep my daily memories and thoughts for the longest possible time! : )

stay gold, die young

...am thinking far, but staying close to the things i hold dear to my heart. i can be myself here. i can tell the truth and never have to say, 'im fine.' i can talk freely about it, in my own words. about how even when i wake some mornings and i am content, i can still feel it tapping silently behind my heart. i know it is there, waiting for something, anything, the tiniest hiccup in my day to claw its way out and spread like cancer through the dark bits inside of me. it spreads from behind my heart, to my lungs - almost musical, it rushes to my head and then i am gone. rendered defenseless, helpless. people dont understand it. it is not an over-reaction. it is losing a battle in a long dark war. i know, ultimately i wont win this fight. i am already very tired, fighting an endless fight with the person within myself. i know someday it will take me, consume me. my heart will decide its time to stop pumping its poison through my veins. that will be the day that people know, once and for all that i wasnt as strong that they had thought.

staircase to heaven

actually, im just gonna say ignore my title. haha. im dealing with staircase in the design im assigned to now, so the title is something that i randomly thought of.


ohh, there are so many lives. how i wish i could live them concurrently, instead of one by one by one. i could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls. but i know that is not how it works. human life is a beautiful mess. i should learn to understand that mine too, is a beautiful tale.

new game, new flame.

i remember a friend once told me, he keeps grudges - and he does it passionately. he explained that once he love, he love hard. once he is offended, he goes all out with that hate, the hard way too. well, he has a lot of contradictory acts that i find not relevant to what he admit to being. well, anyways...

i guess this is where that perception differ. i am easily happy, and easily angry, but i dont dwell in it for too long, the latter. i get bored way too fast in draggy things. maybe from that, i find no meaning in being upset or storing hate for another person or thing for long. i get bored of being mad. yes, i think that is it. when boredom overcomes the madness of being pissed, it just sizzles into something unknown to me. i am just gonna leave that word, whatever word there is to describe this absurdity.

there is always gonna be a sense of shock and disbelief when you face something or someone that  has been so close to you before and when something happened (whatever it is, direct or indirectly) you totally zone out. that numbness, for me, is in resonance for some time - before i come to term with my body and brain that it is actually gonna be okay. it will be, and i will be glad that i dont know what is actually going on. the curiosity just halted to a stop, when your hearts feels that it is alright right pass an encounter.


i think you would gradually get over the pain of people coming in and out of your life. it doesnt go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with each passing day. one morning you wake up, and they are not the first thing on your mind. and then a few months down the line, you realize you have made it through half the day without thinking of them. sometimes it takes months, sometimes years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally.  you manage to do this because you dont see them, you dont hear about them, and you try not to think about them. but when you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name and the memories come flooding back. but memories also become less painful in time.


ps // im glad you have found somebody worthy of your abundant love. best wishes. sincerely.

million dollar dreams & federal nightmares

i did a quiz for fun, and these are the outcome. hmm...




Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.


The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.


Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.


The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.


Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.


The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.


How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.


What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.


Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.






...almost totally accurate, it is fun and comforting to know that some of it is actually in me. 

selamat hari raya

august's secret

some thoughts, on a beautiful august;


love is - that feeling that you cant describe in words. it is when you can care for someone so deeply, and yet hate them at the same time. when you spend your nights awake wondering why you are hurting, when you are the happiest you have ever been. longing for someone you think about every single day. for me love is something to be cherished, it is something that i see many overlook and take for granted every single day. love is something that everyone has the chance to experience, if they would allow themselves to. love is what you use to describe that indescribable feeling, love is what guides you to the light within your own soul.

a simple outing to the movie with love(s) is always a comfort in disguise. these are the people that remains constant in my life. hopefully till the end of my time on earth. 

one drink could lead to tens of different topics and events to talk about. we are women, of substance. lol. now, this is a friendship that goes beyond anger, happiness, grief, attitude, personality(ies) and all that. trust me, we have more magic in our pockets than master houdini himself. C: 

a memorable surprise party these people organized for me is just overwhelming. i couldnt feel more blessed to be showered with attention like this. family love, and then this. these people are so good that i didnt see it coming at all, or wait, maybe it was just me - dumb enough to have not realized the weird things all month long. what was i thinking, that laying low and having a mellow simple birthday this year seems to go smoothly, when i have all these extraordinary people in my life. xoxo this will definitely be a day to remember for life.

one half of the culprits. teehee. 

obviously, this darling made me cringe in embarrassment. yes, embarrassment for being fooled by the whole absurd plot the whole time. lol. i was almost completely mad at him for ditching me on our date, and made me go all open-mouthed at the sudden change of plans i almost teared up feeling upset. but before i could reach home and hug a pillow and bawl, he makes things better again. just like that. sigh. this love-hate relationship i can never know how to handle. always on the verge of screaming and laughing! pfft. this, wraps up my birthday - month. 

life at 24

well, i guess age is catching up but not not letting it catch us is the key to being alive. 26th August is just like any other ordinary day, this year. i wake up, go to work, meet people, come back to love&home, and that is about it - on a typical weekday. thank you, love, for always putting a smile on my face at the right times. family love, too. always, never-ending and never-ever changing. a day i could call my own, once a year, till the day i breathe my last.

plesantries

im a self-proclaimed sentimental blogger who loves day dreaming, something close to having delusional disorder. she is probably living in her own fantasies but do not worry, she blogs about her reality.

if i were your girlfriend, we would go on woodland adventures and run along the beach and sneak into movies and i would mess up your hair and bite your nose and sing you strings of stupid songs and write poetry on your back and dedicate a dinosaur to you, etc.

that's about it.

yesterday's breeze

people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that is what everyone wants. but i think a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. maybe? probably.

a true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful, dont you think? soul mate(s), they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

a soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…or perhaps go back to what you know is most important to you.

...and we move like lovers, darling. let me run my fingers down your side and kiss you right below the eye.

sparkles&shine

note to self: when someone walks out of your life, let them. then, what you make of yourself and your future is no longer tied to them. once, it is chance. twice, it is fate.

so, yea. im just going to suck it up.

images taken from tumblr

unreliable is a word that is enough to explain all.

round&round

browsing through roxy&quicksilver items at their outlet in town today, seeing familiar watches designs i thought of a person so awfully close, but yet is so far. it struck me silly, how somebody who is so alike you becomes such distant creature, point blank. whatever happens, whatever that comes out of innocent mouth&mind doesn't compare to what that person did right out of impulse. it becomes irreversible and alters the whole situation to a point of no return.

yea. gotta sleep on this. see what is there for me afterwards. there has got to be something other than these useless stuff that bugs me.




ps: i am not really looking forward to this friday. it somewhat repels happiness off of me. there used to be a lot on my list, that i wanted and am fond of the list that i had made just a little earlier this year. but it all changed and now i just dont seem to have it all composed anymore. friday is just like any other day i suppose. we will all wake up and not think a thing of the world, seeing only what the world has to offer.

superficial

you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you, and then you meet one person and your life has changed. forever. // jamie randal - love & the other drugs.

so, but that said, everything else is superficial. well, other than that of the normal things that we talk about on a daily basis. blood is thicker than water, friendship is forever, those kinda things. sometimes, i hate that i take things too seriously. and it happened before that because of that very trait i have (i was said to have), i was laughed at - a lot. but then again, the littlest thing annoys me. anything as much as caught my attention i could be walking on tip toe all day being all giddy and anxious and messed up and all that mixed up. it wasnt good. not good at all. it is bad. pure evil, for me. i hate that i pay so much attention to the things that i should not. i might not have had to overcome any fear or anxiety or nightmares coming right back at me over the time if it was not for these curiosity that sparked over things that i might or might not know, should not have been known, supposedly not to be known at all.

there might be some truth in that. all of that. although there isnt anything worth repeating. i just love repeating as it strengthens my nonexistent points.

the point is, i should have ignored irrelevant things. shouldnt i have?

blue black

it has been a while, since i could hold my breath and just feel the past screened through my mind. this time, it has gone by in a brief forever. i am not sure of how i could say it that way, but i have had a glimpse of everything, and i just thought hell, so much happened in such a short life of mine. looking back, i could laugh at a lot of things as well as cringe in pain just thinking about the dumbest things that i have performed. it doesnt amuse me at all, but in a way i have seen myself growing up. from the littlest bit, to the very core of what i am showing in every little thing that i do now. maybe it isnt so much that i reach the sky, or shine the brightest. but what i represent today, somewhat reflect things that i chose to be, to do, to have to become myself. somebody i would have had no idea of, ten years back. there would have been nothing to be compared to what changed me over the years. hallucination doesnt work this way, so im not classified as having an insanity-fix nor that having coke-fix made me talk nonsense every now and then. i guess having limited vocabulary contributes to me writing almost-the-same things time over time. sigh.

i have worked hard and been through many experiences to be the person i am today and when people compliment that, compliment my personality, it means so much more. in a society obsessed with trying to look perfect, i just wish people would appreciate personality more. personality is so underrated. concentrate on being open-minded, accepting, humorous, caring, kind, unselfish, interesting and find someone that appreciates that. i am sick of people only thinking about attractive-ness, i am so much more than that. i can say that, because i believe beauty is not just skin deep.

sunny saturday

woke up to very comforting feeling of just having the weekend re-inventing a whole new idea of the future. sounds very ambitious and great, dont it. it is just words, now, though. everytime i start something, it goes on full speed and then slowly de-celerates. i dont know why, it just happens, even with full enthusiasm. but normallyyy it gets done. just not straight away sometimes.

take for example when i feel so inspired to re-arrange my room, or maybe my closet space - only, my parents would also be a tad more excited that i am starting something and will keep busy for a while before i bug them that i am bored of having nothing to do when i run out of novels to read or is already bored of staying online for too long. my dogs are my constant mood-lifters, but they get a little too carried away and attached sometimes i feel like i am not giving enough attention anymore when i work late and wakes up late. time is obviously a luxury now that everything evolves around work, getting enough rest and lifestyle. these complains shoved aside, i have always been fond of making lists of things i could or should do. it always makes me occupied and feel like i have so much to accomplish and be done with to think less of nonsense that im always pre-occupied with and drives me crazy at times.

will update this post, it there is interesting things that i did because i wanted to rather than making myself busy with things to do. xoxo

boomerang

this is the only way of saying things right now. just this post, i guess.

it would be so nice to go on a late night drive with someone and just listen to awesome music with the windows down and sing as fucking loud as we can and then stop somewhere and just sit and talk. why do people suck so much? where is all the chill people at? where is all the people that actually like having conversations and shit? everyone is so fucking wrapped up in their own little worlds with their own superficial bullshit. no one talks to each other anymore, no one genuinely cares for one another, no one gives a fuck and it is just heartbreaking to me that the world is like that and you only are able to meet someone genuine literally once every blue moon, is that really what anyone has to look forward to? we are only able to make a connection when the time is right, we are only able to make connections on rare occasions because people are so fucked up these days that no one has any sort of real compassion anymore, i honestly think that no one really wants to relate to one another and that everyone really would rather just be cold fucked up individuals than to just learn to be kind. It really sucks, i feel bad for humanity honestly.

resonance

unless you love someone, nothing else makes sense. // e.e. cummings

currently deciding between the creative writing and journalism strand on a write up. not that i have to choose now, but i enjoy paranoia i guess, at times. i will always remember that no matter how fragmented our lives become, the pieces that compose us will fit snugly together once again.

it is hard to believe how much things had changed in a year. last year, things were completely different. i was completely different. how about you?

unspeakable

fuck this i am going to stop running from everything and actually settle the fuck down and be happy with myself. this has gotta be the good life. period.

i will begin this symbolic journey by finishing arranging my room and changing hair color back to their originals, most probably. or just cut it the way i thought i had wanted to. well, maybe not. i havent had the way to face how it reminds me of awful conversations that led me into thinking of cutting it shoulder-length before. hmm.

i have been good. i have been bad, mean, whatever you call it. i have been to a stage where my physician persuades me to make an appointment to a psychiatrist. well, not that i am a psycho lunatic or what but i guess it has come to a point where i began to worry even strangers - a condition i dont even see in myself and i dont even know how to begin to understand. i can act all counselor-ish to loved ones, but i dont get to do that for myself. that is the sucky part where i just have to suck it all up, and expect miracles.

i have come to terms with people switching sides, changing values, not living up to what they vowed to have lived, which i am guilty of some parts too. everybody makes mistakes, but not everybody has the right mindset all the time, including myself. i have seen friends of friends betray one another knowing well what they are doing actually ruins the very best things in their lives. the reason isnt always about circumstances. it is about values upon which you base your actions on. there is always reasons for everything, no matter what. i am glad that you have found reasons for doing what you do. perhaps it serves the best purpose. taking chances, it could be the best thing in your life. i still miss a lot of things that was supposed to be mine that i have not had the privilege of having, up till now, but i never regret a moment of before - i know it was all worth it. at the very least, i know that it was real and true and it had been some of the best times of my life.

things i think about, will still remain unspeakable. there isnt a single sentence that could describe all these i bottle up inside. but as cliche as it possibly could sound, someday you'll know...

in between dreams

my second hand post, in the same week. hmm....

my dear,

holding hands may seem like an innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body: you build with them, feed with them, hold with them, touch with them, fight with them; they are the tools of the human body. to take a hold of another’s hand is to break from living individually. it is to link yourself to another being, to momentarily entwine your life with another’s, to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone. more simple, more aesthetically naive than other forms of affection, i.e kissing, hugging, sexing, the act of holding hands is often trivialized in its true implications. as the Beatles once said: all i want to do is hold your hand.

im glad i have yours to hold, and you to hold mine. forever.

brushfire fairytales

i figured i shouldnt let letdowns stop me from just expressing, shouldnt constraint myself of my own peace of mind. it will fade, someday, these agony. all good things are wild and free.

maybe that is what it all comes down to love, not as a surge of passion - but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. and maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, even facing disappointments over and over again. these says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.

i try to find something to love in everybody. not a saint, but this should make me feel better about myself and everything else...

alessa

i decided to not write here anymore.

that's all.

sometimes i just dont understand, im sitting here at my computer when i should be trying to make things better. but i just dont want to try, i would rather stay here believing my own lies.

i can write billions of quotes and thousands of poems. i can talk about my feelings and share my pain. but how many people will ever be able to understand what im going through? i quit this childish game. i will even take the blame. but i wont cry anymore. im walking out the door. you may hate me, but at least i dont lie saying i want something and then change overnight. there should always be a reason, and proper closure for everything. i had always said i wanted what i wanted even when im weak sometimes, how about you?

cue ending music.

have you?

have you ever wondered how can two hands fit so perfectly? every line, every bone, every small detail flawlessly matched. i have. i wonder everyday how holding your hand would make me feel complete. i dont think you have ever noticed, but late at night when we walk down the streets i would secretly sneak my hand next to yours, so they can accidentally meet as we speak. and i would always hope that you would take it and hold it in yours, so we could see life hand in hand. and tonight you did. you held my hand in the softest of ways, our fingers clinging gently to each others heart. we were growing happiness between our thumbs as our skin lines came together like jigsaw pieces. you looked at me and smiled with that crooked smile of yours which makes you so special to me. i smiled back, and put my head on your shoulder. have you ever wondered why we wall fall in love? i have. i wonder everyday.

having memories might as well be the most painful experience. why? maybe i just havent realize how well i could be without all those trouble that i dragged on myself along the way. have you?

pink & purple

i did not want to wake up. i was having a much better time asleep. and that is really sad. it was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you are so relieved. i woke up into a nightmare.

dear you,

you’re amazing, you know that? you see me breaking, falling apart, so full of hatred, and yet you love me. you see me crying, you see me weak and yet, you still stay. i do not know how you can love me, but whatever it is, i hope it does not go away.

sincerely , me.

long time dream

to examine one's heart is to forage into a forest of un-certain things. today i examined my own heart and saw clutters. dresses, clothe hangers, salty tears, beauty pamphlets, pens, newspapers, hidden laughter, secret notes, etc. why, i said to myself, what an untidy human i am leaving pieces of me lying around. scars, signs, this and thats.

heart is one of the loneliest organs, given the reason to it. however, i am not certain if it comes before or after the skin.

do you know what it is like to want something so badly, but not get it in the end? i do. it starts out as a small feeling, something im almost embarrassed to admit i want. then, as time passes, i think of how my life could be better if i just had that thing, that whatever thing that im looking for. then i realize how much of myself i have invested in that dream or idea or person. and then comes the hardest part, the disappointment. maybe i didnt want it bad enough, or maybe disappointment that of the past that had left the heart wanting too much, or just a wanting but never getting.

well, that is just it. a short story.

fluorescent daylight

the world rotates anyway even if i stand still. still, day in day out things are never gonna stop moving forward. there is no point of me sulking when people just take me for granted sometimes. i would always just stop and close my eyes for a moment or two, and open them again hoping what i see will make me smile the next time around. getting a ticket, or even a random stupid note on my windscreen proves to be some kind of relief too, knowing that somebody - a stranger takes note of my existence.

i am sick and tired of wasting time at work. i think i lost my mojo the day he talked to me like i didnt matter at all. seriously, wtf? i come to work to pass time, and that is exactly what i am going to do, pass time. sometimes it makes me think, that educated and higher ranked people are actually much more barbaric in speech and thinking. they had lost the basics, where people connects through heart and feelings. they see black and white, only. they, actually refer to only a person or two. but never mind, let me just rant my heart out for another line or two and i would leave this to rest. i am very disturbed by the fact that i am sometimes treated like a non-existent worthless nobody. why should i stay, i would ask myself. but then again, why shouldnt i? leaving just lets them make more cruel assumption that i am letting it all happen and not doing anything, but not leaving, i guess, wont prove anything as well. for the impression has been made, and people dont usually change their mind over a short amount of time. screw it, im not gonna stay for another ten fucking years waiting for an idiotic realization that it all was a misunderstanding.

i do now, what i know, for a living. but it doesnt define my whole life. this, i am sure.

the sun is there everyday, just freakin shine the same way, the same direction, the same time. but it does more than that. we all know, good and bad, it does more than fucking shining.

happy tuesday! xoxo

dashboard note

i try not to use someone's past against them. it is just going to remind them the mistakes they made back then, like i have myself, too. if we watch their facial expressions carefully, we can see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. i too, cannot turn back time to correct my own mistakes back in time, they too. i try to never use emotion as a weapon, which normally is the easiest for everybody else. it strikes deeper than anything. i felt it. i knew. so i try not to.

i try hard. so dont judge.

i have a past. you have yours. my past is no better than you, no.

misjudged & misunderstood

recently i have turned into kind of an introvert, dealing with my house chores, clearing up my car, clearing up my room, mix-and-matching my wardrobe, and doing endless internet-surfing. i find it fascinating how i feel more peaceful accepting all these once in a while and just not rushing anything at all. being the forgetful person that i am, i think whatever that i left out doing from my to-do-list, i continue the next time im awake. maybe this is a sort of therapy. my way of re-conditioning my out-of-order-life. sigh.

as they say,

art washes from the soul the dust of everyday life.

have you ever wondered about the things we tell ourselves before we fall asleep? we whisper the words in the dark telling ourselves that we are happy, or that the other person is happy, that people will change their minds over bad events throughout the day. we persuade ourselves that we can live without the people who have left. each night before i fall asleep, i lie to myself in desperate hope that comes morning - mine will be a bright welcoming one, that i may recreate something happy that all good wishes would come true.

it is that part of us, sometimes, that lets us be able to sleep when the days were particularly hard and giving us hope to wait for a better tomorrow.

relief

i think i know you too well, even the things that you will do or say. even now. i expect you to lie through your teeth, even if it is a good lie, to give me this kinda relief. like what happened on April's fool. you got me. right on. but you broke all my good faith in you, if that is okay with you i guess there is no point of thinking you were true at all. im glad i made my decision and i wish you well. i am not gonna appear weak or anything, and i will not ask for help or go back to the old ways when im down. i will move on as you taught me to, be cruel in order to be kind. now i see how that comes handy when it really helps, in the whole new perspective that i am looking at.

just when we think we figured things out, the universe throws us a curveball. so, we have to improvise. we find happiness in unexpected places. we find ourselves back to the things that matters most. the universe is funny that way. sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong. maybe this is my wake-up call, the real one, showing me that i am right about the option not being worth it because now - i understand why. sometimes, unconsciously, when you are skeptical about things the whole time and hesitating since the beginning, you are actually right because your heart is actually making the right decision for you that you dont actually see just yet. in the end, it might be the best thing ever, even if it hurts like hell. (if hell is ever to be felt, this is it, in a way.)

now, i see. clearly, words are just words. in the end, what matters most is just the things you see. that is, just it.

f-ungry

i wonder if mood really alters your food consumption rates, or metabolism. i eat like baa-zillion meals and i still crave for food. i think it is true that there is second phase of growth in everyone. well, mine isnt critical to the point of binge eating or over-eating. it is just lots of munching and munching more here and here. it changes from time to time what i consume. mostly still a variety of food and in moderation. hopefully this doesnt change into anything bad anytime in the future. no. please.

lol. that was the inner me talking. so yea, middle of the night, f-ungry, talking to myself, in the end i search the refrigerator and found myself very delicious dark chocolate biscuits that has been hiding the past week that i have left un-loved. finished it.

the end.

expectations vs reality

once, for quite a long time i had had the privilege of having personalized wake-up calls from a very special person. i tend to snooze by falling back to sleep even after picking up, or i would procrastinate waking-up until whenever that is i could drag my lazy ass up. at times i would even mumble harsh words, i think, to that person and he would say okay, okay, fifteen more minutes. sometimes, even after countless times of calls and that person simply fail to wake me up through phone calls, i simply woke up abruptly and find myself panicking while frantically pressing my phone for the time and at the same time thinking what should i do next to rush for work. obviously, i am still late. very.

i reminisce on these and thought, darn, i was such a bitch for being so difficult to him on the phone. but work over sleep, it will definitely be the snooze button- anytime!

i will try not to mumble so much now, if anybody calls when im asleep. or maybe i shouldnt pick up the phone at all, so i wouldnt embarrass myself by speaking nonsensical blurs from nowhere. i try. even if it is a call to wake up and drive in the wee hours, to sleep again.


i miss.

friday the fifth

i am gonna bleed to death, almost literally. hmm. naturally, friday comes as a happy day for me due to it being the beginning to the weekend that spells rest and free time. but this day, today, i find nothing compels me towards the weekend. it is like i have lost direction of where to rest my head&heart.

anyways, today i watched a Hongkong film titled love is the only answer. i was utterly depressed from the beginning till the end of this film. i couldnt bear to finish a film, for the first time ever, but managed to watch how it ended. i think it is a truly meaningful movie as it really happens in real life, some we see, some hidden under the rugs of the many two-faced lives. it is worth a watch, or two. i think the ending is a tad too mean and inconsiderate for my taste, but in a movie, it is bound to be exaggerated. maybe in real life, it is even more dramatic and even meaner. sigh. the fact that brought me to endless tear the whole time, i think i could relate to the heroine of the movie in a lot of ways, maybe not directly, but in a lot of similar situations and decision-making - a lot of rights&wrongs, a lot of confusions, a lot of contradictions.

i want a hug

...a long one, like we used to. i had wanted a lot of things, but i guess wanting doesnt mean ultimately getting it. i think i can never have too much sky. i can fall asleep and wake up drunk on sky, and the sky can keep me safe when i am sad. here, there is too much sadness and not enough sky. that is the problem. that is my problem, actually.

when someone hug you, let them be the first to let go. // h. jackson brown jr.

ps: anything sweet, really sweet, that i have or have done was nothing that i planned. i feel the need to express this, as there should be so much more that a person is capable of doing and being. despite all these, i still need a hug. a long one.

today is tomorrow's yesterday

i feel so weird waking up to the same day of everyday making it different. i find it very frustrating when sometimes it is just you, instead of everybody around you moving by the same principle. not that i wanted everybody to be alike or the same in every way, but have you ever thought of yourself waking up, feeling all alone even though you are actually surrounded by people - who loves you or not? people who loves you will always remain constant in your life, whereas who dislikes you will also be there to see you fail, so on so forth.

i still think of certain things that happened in the past, like it has just happened yesterday. it feels too close, but too far to hold on to. that said, it is still attached to the heart and just remain with you like it never left...

fragments of a whole

there is this one friend of mine that uses the word wifey a little too easy. wifey sounds too ordinary now that i see loads more of where that word is used. well, then again i am in no place to judge that as we all have our very own limits to what is exclusive and what is normal.

i miss you

today i realized a lot of things, actually i have always realized these - in you. you are a very strong man, a very focused person. i have always thought you were dependable, and you most certainly can go far if you would try. i fight for a lot of things, and after a while i think to myself there is no point fighting over certain things sometimes. that is when the saying if it is meant to be, it will be comes in. there is chemistry in having what we have, no matter how much - nobody can deny that. we will still stare at the same stars, the same sky, walk under the same sun.

bigbig hug and thought-loads full of love over to you. always, my home.

ps: i dont know if the home offer will still be valid, but the home that i have in my heart lasts forever and a day more!

vanity

we had a company photo shoot at a photography's studio with all three directors and almost everybody from the office on the saturday of 23rd June. everybody had hell load of fun arranging and re-arranging the set, posing and poking playfully at each other, being happy just smiling all the time. it was a totally different environment, than that of at the office. not that colleagues were un-happy people at the workplace, but the mood partially shifted from being workaholic(s) to a very dynamic and interesting bunch.

well, the studio version of the pictures taken werent available just yet, but these are some pictures taken from phone here and there. a glimpse of the people and set, for you and me. xoxo

these two girls - sarah in grey, and adrina in red, are two of the best colleagues a girls could ever ask for (: yes. beautiful girls, both blissfully taken though...

the directors, getting ready with their sharp suits and sleek stuff.
all prepped up, only waiting for the shoot. teehee.

ignore the candid pose of my boss's daughter accidentally caught in a very awkward position behind me. this photo was taken during 'the wait' for our part of the photo shoot.

all raw&non-edited.

i cant wait for the end-result from the photographer! (: so, please bear with my giddiness...

garnet&diamonds

...and i promise you i will hold your hand back. i will sit back and enjoy it. i will laugh at lightning. i will giggle at thunder. i will drink raindrops. i will lean into the wind. i will see the sun come out. and one day, i will cry for a storm that’s passed, never to come again.

i wrote this for you, the physics in the air.

freefall

i feel like im waiting for something, that i know in the back of my mind it might not happen. i just cant make myself let you go, i have gotten so attached and i have set my expectations and hopes too high.

sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. you have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. what’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. at times, people need to fight for you. if they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and not lose something real. always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.

cinnamon wishlist

i will always miss you, even though we werent right for each other. i would tell you everything that i have been feeling, but i know it wont make any difference.

sometimes you just cant tell someone how you feel. not just because you dont trust them or because you think they will call you a freak, but because you can never really find the right words to make them understand. it makes you frustrated. people take things 100 different ways, and that is why it is so hard. but if what you are trying to say is meant to be said it will find a way to be understood. actually.

there is a point in your life when you know who stays forever, and who is just around for a while. people change, but so do you. sometimes for the best, and sometimes for the worst. bad things happen to everyone, you are not in it alone. people lie, and some people just dont care how you feel. your heart beats, no matter how much pain you are in. everything will be okay eventually. there are always people in your life that just make your day, no matter the miles. i know about distance, i have been dealing with it all my life, dont tell me it is easy, because it is not. but it’s worth it. i would rather keep in touch with the people i love, than just drop it and forget about it. you dont forget the ones you love. it doesnt work like that.

2years, 3weeks.

...because to you, we are already married and we stick like a glue. that's it. i dont know how you do it, but i find it pretty hard to catch up with your pace sometimes, really.

some things dont last forever, but some things do. like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.

there is a saying that goes : if you fight like a married couple, talk like bestfriends, flirt like first love, protect each other like brother and sister, it is meant to be! let us cross fingers that all these actually meant the real deal, or else, the things that i have left behind and let go of will forever and ever haunt me in dreams&reality.

make damn sure

i am very very very blur as to what is ahead of me. i am actually living the one day at a time philosophy, again. i know i should not just let life pass me by like that and not do anything about it, but at this very moment i am better of like that.

there it goes again. that heavy feeling in my chest when i dont feel any desire to speak or move. all i want to do is close my eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. i attempt my best to make my days fulfilling, but no matter how hard i try i cant seem to connect to anyone or anything. now. just, now.

dancing dreams

im mad at you, and im madly in love with you. ridiculous, i know. but i cant explain what you do to me.

in the space between yes and no, there is a lifetime. it is the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it is the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; it is the legroom for the lies you will tell yourself in the future. // jodi picoult

memory tapes

everyday we pass by strangers we meet eyes with, with minutes we would take back to get one more look, and sparks that fly quickly with one swift touch - that all too soon disappear as the train door closes, as the car pulls away, as we turn the street corner, leaving us waiting on the other side wondering what could have happened if we just simply said, 'hi'.

darling, every so often, some little things you say or do completely overwhelms me and i remember why i completely adore you despite everything else.

a weekend at tip of borneo music fest. the very few picture says it all. magical sunset, musical breeze, and lots of quiet time just having random joyrides - borneo style.

like a chandelier

746days of being together, day in - and - day out. on a bad day, i wont cry. i'd just say fuck you and smile. i realized that it takes so much more to work on a relationship. having love just aint enough. it takes courage, patience (loads of 'em), tolerance, tear&sweat, lots of kleenex, loads&loads of luck and the rest of what you can possibly endure in a lifetime to make it through. seriously? yea, i ask myself that from time to time, whether it is worth it. i still dont know. i am still finding out. i lost and gained a lot of different things along the way, but i guess it is okay. things and people that are meant to stay, will stay, no matter what. those that i lost, will be, sooner or later. life goes on.

barefoot blue jean night

dearest soulmate,

we were unspoken whispers, pocketed secrets, subtle expressive faces, shooting stars unseen, unwritten lovesick phrases, and everything we could hide between. we were things that only we ever knew, things that no one else understood.

perhaps you and i are just characters from two different chapters of the same book, bound by the spines of our backs, eagerly awaiting to meet on the very last page of a novel you never want to end.

fremitus

okay. i admit, im done with having my me-time.

you never know which side of the bed you will wake up to. there is always good and bad days, no matter what you do. it is frustrating. it is scary. one day someone will break your heart again and you will want to die, or never wanna grow attached to anyone ever again. it is the worst. you will get over it, even though for a while you will be sure you wont, or cant. lottery winners and people who lose their limbs return for the most part to their previous attitude towards life six months after each event. you will need to stop feeling sorry for yourself at some point. saying things like if i had that, or if i looked like him/her, what ifs... it is all false perceptions. we all wish we could change something about ourselves. no matter who you are, you are bound to still feel boring, unattractive, awkward, like everyone is looking at you differently. we have everything we need to be happy, to be loved. we cant change ourselves, literally, we can improvise and embrace the fact that it might be hard but you are you, and you are one of a kind. life is full of bruises and stabbings but it really is beautiful sometimes.

iridescence

dont you hate it when you are dreaming about someone you really want to see and the dream you are having feels so real. until you wake up, you are like. darn, it was just a dream.. then you start getting this sad feeling inside and you feel like tearing up because it felt like it happened in reality. but really, it was just a dream. and you cannot help but think about the dream over and over again. which makes you break down.

starbucksandchanelbags

guide of how to have a better day, today's list, my way;

make lists, eat, laugh, think, dont think too much, drink tea, dance freely, make new friends, accomplish something, watch a movie, or something online or on tv - wherever, spray paint something tomorrow, go crazy with roxy&whisky, doodle - even if i dont feel like it.

ps: before i pass on, i wanna make somebody happy. not just smile, but legit happy. be that one person who makes their life complete.

translation please

i find this amusing. thai movie. (:

risks

there are certain emotions in your body that not even your best friend can sympathize with, but you will find the right film or the right book, and it will understand you.// Björk

i think, someday everything will make perfect sense. so for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason.

but, having said that, i want to be happy with the simplicity of life. to stop wanting more...

game on!

in all honestly, relationships are not for everyone. some people are not made to be in one, some people are made to just do their thing and for some people, a relationship is just a natural thing. when people walk away from you, let them go. your destiny is never tied to anybody who leaves you, and it doesnt mean that they are bad people. it just means that their part in your story is over. this is what i make myself believe, all the time. it is good therapy, having breaks once in a while just listening to your own heartbeat and letting yourself feel whatever possible. then after all of that, tell yourself that everything is gonna be alright.

it is what you yourself feel that matters most in the end. and nobody could ever change that.

mental notes

being broken hearted is like having a broken pair of ribs. on the outside, it looks like nothing is wrong, but the truth is, every breath hurts. #justsaying

july f-lyy!

July. so so fast. i havent even had a proper june, this year, and it is July already! i could have just remained nonchalant to this rate of passing of time. pfft.

sometimes, when everything is quiet, i can be my own best friend. i could just brew myself hot hot tea, and get some papers and and pen. with that, i have my own conversations with my very own words. weird, i know i talk to myself, i write to myself, with myself, but that's the way i roll and chill.

of my love, i will miss everything, of every moment, of everyday, even if it is only seconds apart. that, you can be sure.