unspeakable

fuck this i am going to stop running from everything and actually settle the fuck down and be happy with myself. this has gotta be the good life. period.

i will begin this symbolic journey by finishing arranging my room and changing hair color back to their originals, most probably. or just cut it the way i thought i had wanted to. well, maybe not. i havent had the way to face how it reminds me of awful conversations that led me into thinking of cutting it shoulder-length before. hmm.

i have been good. i have been bad, mean, whatever you call it. i have been to a stage where my physician persuades me to make an appointment to a psychiatrist. well, not that i am a psycho lunatic or what but i guess it has come to a point where i began to worry even strangers - a condition i dont even see in myself and i dont even know how to begin to understand. i can act all counselor-ish to loved ones, but i dont get to do that for myself. that is the sucky part where i just have to suck it all up, and expect miracles.

i have come to terms with people switching sides, changing values, not living up to what they vowed to have lived, which i am guilty of some parts too. everybody makes mistakes, but not everybody has the right mindset all the time, including myself. i have seen friends of friends betray one another knowing well what they are doing actually ruins the very best things in their lives. the reason isnt always about circumstances. it is about values upon which you base your actions on. there is always reasons for everything, no matter what. i am glad that you have found reasons for doing what you do. perhaps it serves the best purpose. taking chances, it could be the best thing in your life. i still miss a lot of things that was supposed to be mine that i have not had the privilege of having, up till now, but i never regret a moment of before - i know it was all worth it. at the very least, i know that it was real and true and it had been some of the best times of my life.

things i think about, will still remain unspeakable. there isnt a single sentence that could describe all these i bottle up inside. but as cliche as it possibly could sound, someday you'll know...