stay gold, die young

...am thinking far, but staying close to the things i hold dear to my heart. i can be myself here. i can tell the truth and never have to say, 'im fine.' i can talk freely about it, in my own words. about how even when i wake some mornings and i am content, i can still feel it tapping silently behind my heart. i know it is there, waiting for something, anything, the tiniest hiccup in my day to claw its way out and spread like cancer through the dark bits inside of me. it spreads from behind my heart, to my lungs - almost musical, it rushes to my head and then i am gone. rendered defenseless, helpless. people dont understand it. it is not an over-reaction. it is losing a battle in a long dark war. i know, ultimately i wont win this fight. i am already very tired, fighting an endless fight with the person within myself. i know someday it will take me, consume me. my heart will decide its time to stop pumping its poison through my veins. that will be the day that people know, once and for all that i wasnt as strong that they had thought.