you know my name, not my story

...it is all embedded in the deepest pit of this head&heart.



sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back.

my pessimism bounces back and forth. one day, we used to be great. the next, what a nightmare we were. it is a terrible in-between that tends to be beautiful in the right mind set. we will never have it back, and we dont need it. better separate, better alone. you dont deserve me, and i deserve more. lets not part so bitter.memories are meant to stay, but future holds so much for change and all the rest of the happy ever after things.

dear head&heart, i still love you. just not in the same way. i used to complain, and now i am grateful. for all you taught me, and all that you did not.

love hate relationships

i have always loved the concept of being on my own. i am not antisocial or introverted or anything. i have plenty of wonderful people that will always be there for me. maybe that is the problem. i have grown so accustomed of having people there that being able to do something on my own is like a fantasy, sometimes. i cannot wait to be out in the world, independent.

...for once. for good or bad.

we could roll, like this

do you create scenarios in your head that wont happen in real life?

i really just wish i could say efff everything, move to a brand new place and start life over and just be happier. i need to know being happy is possible.


...and i just wanna know that it is possible that two people can stay happy together forever.

my forever&always?

say hi, to forever. im a girl who doesnt not know where she belong for the longest time. sometimes im happy, sometimes im not, but that is quite normal for human being. yes?

why were we even looking for love in the wrong places?
with the wrong people? why were we so blind to see that
what we had for each other was more than what friendship meant?

im halfway in love by the time he sat down when we first met, and he had me at hello. back then everything was complicated and to add twist into this, i never have thought that we would be an item at all. it was, after all just a friendship based on mutual friends. never did i hold any hope or whatsoever for me to have a place in his heart, at all. this was all very unbelievable for me, up to this very day.

one faithful night, our eyes met, our hands clasped, our hearts sang the same tune. i rested my head on his chest while i listened to his heart beat. his arms were around me tight, i knew i belong there; i was in the right place. the right time. and the right person's arms. okay, i kinda put the whole thing into poetry. l o l (cheesy yea, but bear with me. just this post)

days, weeks and months passed as we grew closer. we then share every laughter, every sadness and every story together as different individuals.

one year later, now, and counting. i still have anxiety attacks by just the thought of him and i constantly find myself thinking, what would i do without him, the boy who can (almost) read my thoughts.

i, cannot wait to grow old with him.

i cannot wait to say;
"this day
i will marry my friend,
the one i laugh with, live for, dream with, love".

contentment

i dont know what to be content with anymore. i just have what i have, and wish and try to get what i want. it has nothing to do with contentment and happiness and getting there, not like that anymore. i lost that passion, or easier to say it is hidden somewhere along my growing up...


help me find it? or do i just leave it?

either way, it is not what i wanted and is not really who i am anymore.

sister

happy birthday Emarald !

you grew up. wow.
and like another person, literally.

...you, my sister. the one and only.

our lips are petals

things i have always thought about, things i have always kept inside my heart, things i will never say. it is hard, to be mum. i wonder how people keep things to themselves. well, at least i do spill, in some ways, to some people, or worse comes to worst i will just talk to myself in ways only i could understand.

i have always wanted things. who has not? and i have always wanted to just ask for things from people sometimes. but i never really did, and for the longest time, i kept mum, and just slide through time with those things in my mind. all of it.

sometimes i get lucky, and the guy above probably heard my prayers and sent it to me through people in my life. at times, maybe my stars just shone brighter and got me thing that made me smile so wide i could light up a city. just some of the times. not always, for sure.

probably that is the way it rolls for me. i still wished for a hella lot of things...

work in progress

work work work.

this is a world where everything is work. you have got to work for everything. and yes, work dictates a lot of things in life. i will always say to myself, this is for the future. i hope...


cheers. to work!

dealing with it

most girls grow up believing in fairytales and got hurt almost like instantly.

have you ever been angry or sad, to the point where you just break down. your parents dont know because you keep the tears to yourself, and you cry silently. your friends dont know because you talk as if you are fine and dandy behind the computer screen. well you are not fine and dandy, and you know it. no one really knows how you feel, and they have their own lives to deal with, so you dont bother telling them, you bottle it up, and store it with the other problems or troubles.

scent of rain

everything is predictable. you.

no more surprises.

little things. maybe it is just me. maybe this is just something new, this no-nonsense kinda relationship. it is sinking in, but it isnt easy letting go of the little things that made me smile.

but you gave purpose to my days. maybe that is enough for me.
just maybe...

hold on, baby.

effin upsetting to be all smiles and nice to others when all they do is walk all over you and THEN smile back. i wish somebody could just hug me in times like this and say hold on, everything is gonna be alright baby. then i could be so pleased to just walk on and wave whatever.

i hate the way people are at work. that is why a nine to five job is effin irritating to me. meeting strangers elsewhere can be much more of a pleasurable experience. otherwise, rotting at home is more tempting, to hell with these mean displays sometimes.

epic fail

reality does not make sense.
i only wanna see beautiful thing.


…i have this strange feeling that im not myself anymore. it is hard to put into words, but i guess it is like i was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. that sort of feeling. i seem to be addicted to something that does not exist. i am embarked upon withdrawal, and i am very fearful of what withdrawal symptoms will be. how very ridiculous is that?


every so often, i wake up in the morning and just think that i could not make it. but then, i would laugh, and think to myself how many times have i felt this way and still wake up every other morning...

unforgiving woes

i think i need to fall in love again. all over again. you know, go back to just being friends, flirting and batting my eyes and all those body language games, instead of fighting and sighing and painful goodbyes. i think i need to hear i like you instead of i love you, that comes right from the heart. i wanna have butterflies in the pit of my stomach. just to feel, again...

i wanna have that unexplainable want-to-see-you-everyday-to-spend-every-minute-of-my-existence-with-you. because lately, just lately it is like i wanna keep to myself, i have been wanting my space. and i dont know what it is but it is like i need another new first kiss. then maybe we just need some time off, to miss and reminisce on all that it means to be us. and maybe that is not a bad thing, i think it will actually be just right to just give up this one time and later return to the fight…

im passionate about chasing moments and sometimes catching them

we are at that phase where well-wishing becomes no more a routine. it is more of a need, a care that comes from the conscience of wanting to know the well being of the other half. the way i put it, it is a way of connecting, short and meaningful. but is it me the only one who thinks this way, and everybody else is just doing it for the sake of doing it every other time?

i am who i am, with or without you

i have run out of patience for myself, but my patience for you never ends. i continue to ask myself why you could hold so much authority in my life, never have i been this helpless before.but the answer seems so clear. why dont i listen? no, instead i would rather be kissing you some more. wrecking my heart some more. for what is all the joy
worth, if you have never felt the pain?

you are the only one in black & white, but you are the only one that makes sense. i sit on your lap, delightfully lost. i examine your arms, the tattoos you bear. i havent smiled like this in so long. in these smiles, my eyes smile. you are the only one in black & white. and bear so much meaning, to me...

is that heaven?

the memories of it in the future, perhaps is.

little lies within

i need to release the grip on my own heart. yes, this is the hardest part--letting yourself lose control. but isnt that the best part? i miss when i lost control with you, but we held that freedom so tight we made it die. and it is not our fault we passed each other by. i cannot keep crawling to you every time i have a revelation. for we are rarely on the same page, most of the time.

if i had one wish,it would be to have nothing else to wish for

i would say solitude is imaginary, but this is more reality than i can handle. a piece is missing, but i think so many pieces are missing. i question this abyss. submissively allow it to swallow me whole. the chaos feels a bit overwhelming. i can taste the freedom, but i cannot see it.

...and you think this is about you, but i have learned to be selfish. one can be lowered only so many times before they retreat. i know it is my fault that i have let myself to be hurt like that. i dwell on that. i have found my cave, i will remain hiding until i deem it necessary to expose myself.


i like my secrets, and i intend on keeping them.

rain drops on red roses

i believe good things happen everyday. i believe good things happen even when bad things happen. and i believe, on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. that is life, is it not?

do you, still remember you at all?



when you have a purpose, or a direction, everything matters--the choices you make, the steps you take. but for a free-spirit, or a truly carefree person( for some, it means useless person. but i dont think it is useless. it is not wrong to just let loose sometimes and just let things go free) it does not matter, because whatever that next step takes her, is a new discovery. and to me, i think it is worth a celebration for not being afraid to take the chance. with risks and all that, today, i dont think i am capable to do so much of these. but once in a while, i do. just not to be too critical on the result and to myself, i ignore whichever that i hate having, and indulge in those that i treasure finding.

what my heart would say

those minutes where i am alone, just me and my pillow. i think. a lot. i think about everything, anything. it varies from what am i doing with my life? to did i have work i did not complete?. the room is so silent, but my mind is so loud. it drives me crazy because the things i would never think about, i think about. sometimes, i hate it because it brings up things i rather never think about again. the split second before sleep is the most active second of my life, every night.

you know that place between sleep and awake?
the place where you can still remember dreaming.
that is where i will always love you.
that is where i will be waiting.

-- peter pan.

ps: how sweet if someone says this to me in times of doubt, when i am in between that state of being awake and asleep. i would have fell head over heels, in thankful gratitude and in love probably. very sweet indeed...

utterly disappointed

my thoughts tend to sound better in books i didnt write, and in the songs i didnt sing. even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way i really feel. there is a double-edge comfort in knowing that noone really knows, that borders pain. it is complicated, really.

most times, it is just a lot easier to not let the world know what is wrong...




most of the time, i tend to have high expectations and things happen to not reach those of my wants and needs. it disappoints me all the more when expectations that i have isnt so hard to reach, and the fact that i have been fed with what i would recall as comforting amount of ego all the while before makes it so much harder for me. having strangers disappoint you can be brushed off with little effort, but having loved ones, or sometimes even worse--yourself, disappointing you is utterly devastating.