what is it?

trapped in the past that i cant seem to move on. the same things keep happening to me. those that are not wanted. those that keeps me tearing. those that wakes me up in the middle of the night. those that i never can get rid off my chest. those. ugly. issues.

his subtleties, they strangle me. up to a point i cant seem to see clearly what is ahead of me. i had to look back, then discover the very same things that i had let go before. so what is it that i had been holding on to all these while?



what is it?

pocket full of sunshine*

maybe fate likes to play with feelings and timing and our thoughts. it is weird how things turned out. but yea, we are what we are. and there has got to be a reason why it is like what it is now...

i dont believe in believing people anymore. this is not merely a statement, it will accompany my long walk of life, up until something or maaaaaybe someone shows me what true belief is.

believing is not only a state of mind. believing, to me, involves the whole lot;

body, mind, soul.

all in one package. so if either one of those doesnt agree on believing, then screw whatever it is. here you got a non-believer!

words

i have something to reveal. i think i said this before, but...

i heart non-capital letters :)

i just do. i have no reason nor argument for that.

today, i noticed that the word big is smaller than the word small.

...and even the timid-est people cheat, like the idiotic driver i saw this morning! drives me up the wall with the thought of that person cheating. i do believe in karma though. shit happens. things happened to me, it will happen to others too.

okay, back to words.  next, being unlucky isnt a born-with-disease. but truly i think it is contagious! prove me wrong, but it is like a flu; usually it gets off you only when the next person catches it.


wish you all good-day, today, tomorrow, and the day after.


maybe goodness is just not for me. today.

common grounds

we all have one.

we all hold one, in our mind. or for some, in the heart, they bear a common agreement to everything on earth. all of us, has a reason for living. everybody needs something to hold on to. i just happen to have and need more. is that a crime? 

tell me...

what do you hold on to?
what should i hold on to?

girl, derailed*

i begin to doubt my judgments. it all ends in tear, and not so often happy smiles. i think i have commitment issues as well. i seem to lose my concentration in a millisecond. with a leap of faith, maybe, just so you know- i might finish something with persistence till the end. yes, that i admit, but mind you! i am serious with whatever i do. i just, loose the zest very fast especially when something annoys the hell out of me. then, the end.

what am i to do? cling on to dear life and work my ass off trying to get something i dislike done? i wouldnt, and couldnt, even if it would do so much as to save my life.

all the while, living under micro scrutiny is blood-suckingly tedious. macro scrutiny however, grant the scrutinized person much freedom to express and be understood. most of the time we take things simply by the surface knowledge. i, too, am most definitely included. but i try to see past that, and slowly let go of my own ego. then i see things better, and not put too much pressure on everything and myself. but seriously, still if things werent as good, better leave than be sorry for yourself in later days yah?

what is your story?

those who knows me well must have realized that i can be spectacularly moody and may lash out with a sharp tongue if an affront be perceived. but you can be assured that if the cases are well-presented and  a person is trustworthy, i will respond well with slow but steady approach. that, is me. but at times, times when i am the one talking. otherwise, it could be somebody else ;) in my spastic times of constant posts, several times a day, provoked by the sudden urge to say some things- i figured that a decided splurge of words sometimes is far better than the occasional unintentional splurge on material matters.

sometimes i think my only friend is the city i live in. sometimes i believe, there is nobody out there. sometimes i feel like that. sometimes i take myself to a place just to feel a presence, a sun ray, or a cool breeze. i would like to see a Christmas tree on random days of the year, and getting wet on a sunny day just for kicks. what is life if it is meant to be ordinary for everybody? maybe, just maybe i am a baby in an adult's body. maybe, i suggest we all gather round and sing auld lang syne at the end of each day (since a day lost isnt gonna come back again, why is it only sang during NYE or so?) i would rather sit on a wicker chair out in the garden smelling flowers and listening to the crisp falling leaves on a normal day, and not sit on a swiveling chair with the clicking sound of the mouse all around me. like this, i say i still do not understand the world around me. as i cannot say a thing for sure of myself, i do not understand another thing as well. i guess that is fair then. trying to understand the whole world is a crazy thing. trying to understand about this self, is essential. i am going round and round, like a merry go round that forever has no destination. just round and round and round. but happily turns and circles, till the very stop button is pressed by the mighty one above...




so what is it about you?

approach at own risk

thank you for taking my blindfold off. i think  i will hang on. if anybody still needs me. if no one does, i guess i will just move on. i had plenty to give, but people often shrug it off. i aint jaded anymore, now that i can see.

but today, today in particular, leave me alone. just me.

today, i eat people.(literally feels like)

today, i am extra agitated. computer, books and furniture does not pose as anything of relief to this troubled mind. i am against everything that i see or touch.

okay, today, i am entitled a full day of screams and grunts (in my head)

yea, just today. maybe. pfft.

ps: happy birthday to the king of the family :)

ugly truth

happiness is a journey, not a destination. that is how it should be. i think having aims is good, but nobody should be too  preoccupied with reaching the end without looking at the moments in between.

one day, at the beach. there was once this friend, who is too realistic about everything-for whatever's sake. beautiful colors of the ocean, bright day at the beach, or beautiful moonlit shores. typical, but there will always be commentaries about rubbish, or the color of the sand, or even the pavement we walked on. then, the person would continue by comparing the current beach with some perfect beach elsewhere, out of the country, whatever. visit to the malls were worse. and this happens to the harbor, the islands, things- god knows what else there were. i dont live in a metropolitan, nor a highly civilized big city. but neither did this person. well, at least people around here, we have better sense of respect and gratitude. i mean, what else to complain about when we have little problems compared to places where corpse are in abundant, right?none of this changes what we have in a split second. so why complain? do something! smoke less, heck, stop smoking to not pollute our oxygen. also, less butts and dirty ashes around. this, among many others. if you are smoking, then shut up. (no offence) you have no rights to compare or complain, and that is just one small little thing that you do. it contributes to the bad state we are in. dont you agree? if no, maybe a reason or two? thank you.

forgive me for my rants, sometimes i just think to myself, why are people so inconsiderate and does not look into ourselves before downgrading others? i try to do my part, even if im only one person among gazillions who are different, i just do my part to change the world into a better place. yes, i think i change the world i live in one inch at a time. try me. at least i have got my viewpoints straight. others should come accordingly.

some things*

...should be left unsaid.

it is already coming to my 100th post! this is 99th! it would have been a lot more if i didnt accidentally delete my previous one though. anyhow, it is quite a relief having a brand new one, blog, i mean. so much more to say, so much more to write. i hope this one doesnt exist in vain. that i could really could get myself lifted in a good way, some way. for readers, ghosts, or whatever, thank you for even scrolling through even when you have only stumbled upon my blog when you are website-hopping. many heartfelt appreciation, even though i initially didnt intend for this blog to be of public concern. well, i realize feedback given could make things better, my thinking, at least. right? but please, please leave a name, at least, for me to address you properly when i reply to any of your comments. thank you, again.

"i didnt come to tell you that i cant live without you. i can live without you. i just dont want to."

-Sarah Huttinger, RUMOR HAS IT.

for the record, sorry for taking your dreams away. i lost mine too. so, yea. lets start afresh.

better days, people!

weekend

...time to rejoice, and time to rest.

today is Friday!

hmm, quite some time to reflect and think about things to come. but too much time leads to illusions and fantasies that only exists in fairytales, time is, to me.

doing what i do for a living, i wish that i draw locations of stardust sprinkler instead of normal sprinklers that is of water. i could only imagine a life where the floors are made of flora of eternal gardens, and walls with colorful candies and edibles all round. that would certainly be a world made in heaven. every step we take would be safe, not metal, no sharp edges.

moving on, i think lights could be of that of fireflies. not by captivity, but naturally, with the(my fabricated) environment, it could be a beautiful source. dont you agree? well, i have never actually seen any live firefly before, but i hope one day i still will. then, human could still live harmoniously with the animals, in a civilized way of course, and we would have each other to live on. ridiculous right? carnivores, omnivores, and herbivores living together? pfft. yes, i am most definitely going nuts in a bit.



what else? wait, i will give it another shot another time.a little bit more and it is gonna be saturday altready! lets say i really dream about this world im talking about, i will write it down. hah! until then, have a good weekend :)

i really

...really, really need space. really need inspirations. need to re-compose myself in a way that could liberate myself from the strain i get from walking on these planes i call home. i dont call a stranger love, nor i blow kisses to the northern wind. i just, really really need a break from familiarity. a little while would do, given that i dont fall head over heels on the foreign land. forbidden, probably, the longing that i currently have. i couldnt help it.







i really want to. really.

january*

very hectic first month of year 2010.
trying to create a dream or dream(s) come true.
many things going on and off the computer screen.
lots of thoughts and sighs and hesitations.
anticipations and intense hopes on the coming days, months, and years.






we will see what happen....

shall we?

...shall we walk through things, slowly?

why do people have to rush, then have stupid talks?

why do people just leave, when things are rough?
does anger settles for the better?





just why...

this tuesday

...ever since last tuesday, or maybe the one before that, the skies has been gloomy.



today. still dark. i have come to think that the sun has grown tired of us on earth. she hides herself and not shine through the dark clouds anymore. pffft.





will it continue to be this dark for the rest of the week? well then i had better get a pretty raincoat and play under the pouring rain. heck i should just go out and get wet!

be-witched not!

it is already Monday? dang! time passes so fast. which is good actually, but only at the right time.honestly, the only thing that is keeping me calm right now is the cloudy-plus-rainy weather. that made me wonder some too. i despise slow moving time, especially when the clock seems to have stopped ticking in the workplace. gosh. i felt nauseated and partially gone paralytic every time something reminds me of that slow thing.



it does not fascinate me, the way Monday comes!




keep that clock away please!

awWwe-some!

...im gonna take a hero whom no one but myself will much like.



is it even possible?
to last for always?





awww, got him.

dilemma-fied nonsense*

...sue me for dreaming!

i literally have to put a password and a big lock in my brain to stop.

i have recently discovered that i kind of have the extra fondness to more 'alone' time. but easily said than done, i failed to have too much of it. i basically thrive among human (ha-ha) and yes, i am exactly the type of person who would chat gaily with strangers i meet in random places.

am trying to tone down that though. (warnings from people around about security yadda yadda yadda)

oh yea, im turning twenty-three this year, and i still have about-completely-no-idea-of-what-i-truly-wanna-do-in-life. oh God help me please.

weedflowers

i am a fairy and i am going back to my magical world. as if. i would much prefer to be tiny and view the world from a butterfly's size. then a small garden to me(now) would have been a huge garden of heaven with beautiful giant flowers and bright colors. i would have lived a short lifespan, but a very full life. seeing things high and low :)

backseat goodbye*

...that mellow tune from the radio soothes its passengers, with cool breeze gently combing through hair smelling sweet of midnight dew and flowers. who would have thought that this could be goodbye. who would have thought that this could be the parting of the impossibles. next time, dont even bother giving tell-tale signs or obvious hints. because those are only going to make things harder, and worse, just worse.

im still in a state of shock, having an unintended silence for a while there. and practically leaving my brain self-process(isnt it always so? pfft!) i just stared on, stunned.


okay, okay. i'll cut the crap.


my beloved dog ChaCha got loose and never came back. ta-daaa...... beats the shit out of me, i miss her. but there was nothing i could do. my family looked high and low for her but she was nowhere to be found. so i guess it was meant to be. we lost her. that is what happened.

maybe she would come back after getting bored gallivanting (enough) outside our gates. maybe she will get very hungry, not having a full pot of meal like home. someday. probably. im still keeping my fingers crossed, and eyes open every time i drive out from home. a glimpse of her and off i will be to grab her and then chuck her into the car to be brought home. rainy days now. where could she possibly hide for shelter and warmth? i am half certain that someone has taken her and slain her into dog-soup. *palisssssssss palisssss jauh jauh* ishhh, those thoughts!

gosh. where are you???

sad.

forgotten flame

i have a secret.


for all my effervescence, gregarious perspective and openness, sometimes I get a little worked up over the co-mingling of friends. drifting these days, me. of late, i find mingling is like lunch box with compartments i had for recess in elementary school. it kept my gravy filled portion from that dry part that fills my rice, and the overcooked(due to hours in the lunchbox) steamed vege.

because sometimes id like to take it all separately, all by itself. sometimes the gravy tastes great with a couple leaves of vegetable. sometimes id enjoy mixing it all in a big, colorful mess.

but sometimes, the introduction of one group of people to another leads to nothing good. thus, i guess i prefer keeping most of my social circles apart because they appeal to different sides of my personality. that explains a lot eyyh.


today, sipping hot chocolate and seeing people pass by would do me more pleasure than a gather-round big crowd of human comparing names and statures. im definitely all grown up, but just havent completely figured out what that means.



yesterday is but today's memory, tomorrow is today's dream...




ps: may your inspiration be many liberation from whatever that is holding you back from your future. hmm, does this sentence make any sense to you? it does to me. happy work-day! (yayyy! it is friday!!!!!!!!)