an honest realization

the sun will rise and set, and time will pass and never come back. faces will change and outgrow age, as people mature or deteriorate slowly. 

in recent years, i have lost more loved ones than i can learn to accept. all my life i have been living a happy childhood, teenage dreams and come adulthood - i thought i have had happy times most of my life surrounded by healthy and happy people. death does not come knocking, i figured. they shock the hell out of life and trust me, the deceased might be better off than the still living left behind.

maybe all these while i have been oblivious to the fact that people suffers every single day around me and i happen to be in that suffering ring. i might not have done much but i have been very careful to not be mean to anybody i encounter unless they are bullies or are bad people. who am i to judge, really, but i do appreciate people who could stand up to injustice. but that is beside the main point. oops.

what im trying to say here is that it is a totally different feeling and situation when the unwell or dying person/s are actually related to you or is especially close to you. whatever that is killing them is also indirectly killing you emotionally and physically. seeing them frail and in pitiful state, you might as well bid them goodbye as saying it is going to be alright sounds more like a lie to yourself than to them. i do believe in miracle and i do believe that positivity and emotional support gives strength in whatever ordeal, but somehow seeing your loved ones suffer so much in order to stay for a couple more years is torturing to them as it does to you. just my two cents.

do rest in peace, papa. if im given a chance to wish for something i would definitely still wish you back, but i understand now that you are in a better place. just the thought of your demise as being quick and almost painless, i am glad. i am glad, not because you left us without a proper goodbye. i am glad, because you went without losing weight, or missing limbs/organs. you went, because God loves you more than i do. finally your demise gives the sentence a meaning i never could have understand before.