sometimes i ponder, if things were to be different. if i made a different choice. if it was a different scenario. i play them in my mind like a self-made short film thay goes fast-forwarded at a pace only i follow and know. thing should be veru different. i can tell, because only the thoughts have made me smile. bit then again, this is some sort of bliss too. bliss in finding myself. bliss of knowing what could have, would have. this is a different set of feelings. a different perspective of bliss. being in sync with the brain&heart is difficult. possible, but almost impossible. i know not of a word or a sentence to properly describe these, but here i am trying every bit i could to pretend i am actually explaining this disastrous emotion that is happening inside my head. so much so that i think i am not living, but am hovering at human pace and dimension. uhmm...weird.
just, this once, i dont want to give in. i gave in enough in life. i gave in, even in things i despise most. i gave in. no more.
i am tired. really.
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