在麻醉着自己。

i dont know why you said that, good or bad, but i do feel the sting. it has been three fucking days. three. there shouldnt be a single gap between communication. we shouldnt sleep without being nice to each other and saying sorry (sincerely) for whatever wrongs we have done, however small they are. but yes, here we are, speechless for three fucking days. not really, we exchanged words - on mobile text. for the record, i chose not to speak anymore. i chose not to succumb to the only magic words you have (same ones) over and over and over again - over text. the exact same ones i treasure so much to a point of no return, but you over-used them and turned them into a trap for me.

yes, a trap. a VERY visible trap that i let myself into.

i love you, i do! but it doesnt work this way, with us not functioning fully as a couple.

letter not to be sent

i excuse you from having to appear in my idea of you. your life is the epitome of mine, ever since you became my other half - the person i vowed to wanna spend my life with. (that, if it all happens like what is conceived by this imaginative mind) this is not my love; it happens to be just your life - in my head and heart. i love you as i do to the sunsets and the moonlights, more, obviously, wanting the moments to stay, but wanting nothing more than the feeling of possessing the moment.

today is a brand new day x

i constantly feel like im missing out on everything. like everything is happening somewhere else. like im not living life to the fullest. the problem is i never do EVERYthing i can to change it. i do my part, and think a lot of ways then in the end i just sit here and write about it. i sit here and write while somewhere over the rainbow amazing things are happening. amazing things that im missing out on. i need to change now because before i know it this will all be over. these lively years can only last for so long. im going to live for a while and then i am going to die, just like everybody else.

i might as well make the best of it and make memories for myself and my loved ones rather than sulking about it and then making myself more miserable when i think back from wherever that is that i go to after i die. it is my life afterall. i am the one who moves and when im ready to change i will. then again, maybe i shouldnt wait until i am ready. i dont think anybody is actually ready for change, we just kinda accept them. i doubt anybody ever really is. the time is now. if it is a sign i have been waiting for, here it is. everything will turn out okay. i just know it.

insufferable

once we truly love a person, is it stupid to stay in love with him even after he broke our heart? is it possible to still love unconditionally like before? i feel like my love for him never will fade away, but i am pretty much almost giving up hope on ever feeling happy again. maybe, my love for him will never fade away, especially if this relationship we shared once took me on the ride of my life. but this love will change. it will not be the same kind of love, where everything he says matters, where his single action can send you on a roller coaster, where you care infinitely for him. eventually, the love you have for him will be a nostalgic love, a kind of habit you cling onto simply because it was a big part of you. and the proper love, the kind of love that really matters, will be given to someone else who truly cares.

i dont want it to change, but me wanting it alone isnt gonna make things stay as it is or become better.

marriage, for me.

unfortunately, marriage today is not how marriage used to be; people get married for all the wrong reasons nowadays. over the years, marriage has lost it’s sacredness. couples get divorced left and right, and re-marry within a blink of an eye. it is quite sad. as for myself, i think marriage is the most important thing someone could do with their life. marriage is more than a fancy wedding, and having a husband or a wife. it is about finding that someone who you cannot imagine living without, and about loving them so much, that the only thing left to do is make them apart of your family. it is not about marrying the doctor or the hunk or the millionaire like all of our families joke about. it is about marrying your best friend; the one person who you can count on, and who will never leave you. marriage is not something to rush into. i can only see myself getting married after finding the one that i love forever & a day! i have seen so many marriages between people who are in my social circle just crumble apart. i want to make sure that the man i kiss at the end of the isle will love me for always...

the alpha, pfft.

i refer to the commonly used term to describe things or person who has the most say or things in relation to decision-making and mindsets. all the details you can find only caught between syllables and breaths, sometimes. there he goes again...

i think we tend to complicate things when it is really quite simple; find what it is that makes you happy and who it is that makes you happy, and you are set. promise. i found it, but am still reluctant and unsure how to acknowledge the obvious truth that is right in front of me. all the trouble people go through in finding a soulmate, and i have gotten more than i bargained for and then i dont have the courage to barge on and collect my finding. epic fail, i guess. after all, so much for holding on to things i (maybe) shouldnt and letting things i deserve go by or hanging in oblivion. fuck society.

lesmokin

i dont need a nose-job or blonde hair because my sex-god boyfriend likes me just the way i am. // unknown.

lol i find this quote really amusing. unconditional love from awesome-ness. hah! how perfect is that?! love, you know what im talking about. thank you for always giving me unconditional support through my rains&storms. (: you are still&forever will be my home.

once before, i said, this one is different. he is honest, and he is sweet and he would not do anything to hurt me. but everything else showed that he is a guy. darling, this is for you and me, for the record - you were the one from the start, but we are just not heading to the same direction MOST of the time. this is just so awkward, being so in love but having these massive hiccups and doubts. you never knew you just shoved me aside, and with your own hands sending me away, darling.

you still give me the butterflies, but i dont think you know what you are doing to me - really.

read me a fairytale, please

so many people enter and leave your life! hundreds of thousands of people! you have to keep the door open so they can come in! but it also means you have to let them go! // jonathan safran foer

to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. it is not being completely unafraid. to me, fearless is having fears. fearless is having doubts. lots of them. to me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.

real life is a funny thing you know. in real life saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. so crucial, in fact that most of us start to hesitate for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. but lately what i have begun to fear more then that is letting the moment pass without saying anything. i think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying ‘i could have, but it is too late now.’ so there is a time for silence, and there is a time for waiting your turn. but if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you will know it. i dont think you should wait. i think you should speak now.

i hope i will be able to do just about everything that i say. i do.

you left me in the dark, in the shadow of your heart

you may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. but if she loves you now, what else matters? she’s not perfect, you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. she may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break her heart. so don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there. // bob marley

there were things i wanted to tell him. but i knew they would hurt him. so i buried them, and let them hurt me instead...

heart disease

i have got to learn how to let go of my these disturbing thoughts i bear in my heart that is literally eating me out. the way it bugs me throughout a night, and even at the start of a new day really irks the hell out of me. i have lost track of the times i need to crawl out from the dark caverns of my own mind.

sometimes im not good at meeting new people. they always want something. cigarettes, money, a booty call, drugs, whatever - i have nothing like that to offer these people. i have got skills but they are mine. i have got thoughts and dreams, but no one wants to know - for goodness sake. i have not got a microphone to cry into, nor the drama to report. i have not got a journal worth reading - not even a page worth saving, sometimes. i have nothing on my vest, no badge of honor on display. no trophy, no plate on my bedroom walls. no family trips to brag about. no selfish habit to feed upon. im not a fucking rodent. im not dependent on chemicals or pleasures. im not using anyone for anything. im not going to pay you to be my fucking friend. im just not like that. so suck it.

whisper secrets to me

i once fell in love with you, just because the sky turned from gray into blue.it has always been like a dream, going through dramas after dramas and yet, here we are still together no matter how hard things go. it is amusing, really, how we get became an item. it wasnt any kind of fairytale, and not anything lame at all. it just happened. how did you came into my life when you are not really in my life, boy? give me some answers...

i remember you telling me that my tears shouldnt fall easily for nonsense, and you are that nonsense - i presume?

i wanna try to be ignorant

...the end of an anchor.

we are girls,we get jealous, we hate that mother fucker who spams your facebook, we tend to assume things, our imaginations go wild. every second you take to reply, thousands of things goes through our heads ; we start assuming, and this is when we get insecure. but then.. we will try comfort ourselves, we will think back to our conversations and make our-self believe you aint that type of guy. so dont disappoint us..

no one is free. even the birds are chained to the skies. there are things that we dont want to think of, but we cant even forget.. that we dont want to continue, but we are afraid to end.

...just a piece of my distraught&illogical mind. it is so dangerous to stay in this mind. so many things can happen through imagination and over-thinking/assuming about EVERYthing!

the apple of my eye. the flutter in my heart.

we have one thing in common. we are crazy about each other. there goes all my ego and all my pride in knowing that i dont go ga-ga about people just like that. hmm. :p

my darling, you ):

we sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken. that was what happened to us, i suppose, being where we are - the state that we are in right now. sometimes it bugs me so bad that we arent speaking so much to each other, but sometimes i am reminded that this is actually something real. people dont talk or meet twentyfourseven. they live separate lives, breathing the same air. being a couple doesnt mean to have to be joined-in-the-hips. i could understand that as long as the heart is true and we have love&faith&trust, this could go far.

looking on the bright side

saying hello to goodbye isnt a bad thing anymore now. it might bring happiness, even. im a hopeless romantic. never wanted to admit it because i am never quite sure what that truly even means but i will always believe in love even if i didnt have a reason to. i would rather be like this because there is people out there that will go their entire lives unwilling to open their hearts to someone else or unwilling to allow someone to open their hearts to them and i could never be that way.

accepting true love is the hardest and scariest thing. im not sure what i would do without you in my life. thank you for making me believe true love really does exist. i do not want to make things sound anymore complicated than it already is, but i have got to be a lucky girl - amidst all these unfortunate events that happened all these while.

june2011

this month, is gonna be full of drama. i just know it. it has started with a bittersweet note, and continued on with a very not-promising-view of what is to come.

you can make me laugh, even when im crying - my dear. and im not sure what i would do, if life were to really hand me a lemon. i would probably just toss it aside as i dont feel like having it or anything with it for that matter.

you say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. you say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. you say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. this is why i am afraid, you say that you love me too. // william shakespeare

some days we will feel sad without knowing why. like we have lost something very precious but forgot what it was, or like you miss someone you have never met. there are times when i feel like opportunities seized to show up and/or is not realized anymore. there are more disappointments rather than encouragement, and repetition, rather than confirmation. it is really building up this wall i have been trying to break through all these while...

am i thinking to much?

...to love these things? ;

guys with shaggy/wavy hair

when guys makes effort to make me smile, no matter what

guys who smell nice

guys who actually listen

guys that are able to commit

when guys leave you cute texts

guys that dont ignore you

these, are some of the things that i dig in a guy. a guy doing/having these things makes me keeps him there in my mind, always.

well, life hasnt been easy for the past weeks. things doesnt happen overnight. but i turn around and a month has gone by and i realized i havent cried as much. not giving me an hour, a minute, or a second longer, i am busy getting stronger. by hook or by crook. yea.

untold stories

things you should never tell, ended up being more twisted not told then being openly discussed. sometimes it was never meant to be kept. it works best whichever way the truth wants itself to show up with. i am saying this, obviously based on my own experiences. faced my own fears, felt the pains, braved the tears, and crossed the barriers. i might not have done best in all, but i have proven to myself that many things happens even when you are thoroughly prepared for, and worrying doesnt make life any more easier to go through. boohoo.

i said many times before, like everybody else i want many things and i need many more things as well. and these wants&needs are cravings that i might or might not be able to fulfill. but at the same time, i am a simplistic, as well. i can live with bare necessity and make use or adapt to whatever resources i am able to get myself to reach. having said that, i guess i am quite an easy person to get along. i feel that people are so very complicated nowadays. people see things in layers rather than just everything else on the surface. sincere people are harder to be found. and a society that should be well meant to be vibrant and full of wonderful things to do and find is turning life harder to get by and making more and more miserable people.

what the hell is wrong? are we still alive, or just living our deaths from the start?

liplocks love-affair

i cant believe how lips could make me cling on to you for all that matters. the easiest thing for me to make myself believe is that it feeds my soul. somehow you fill this heart with joy that doesnt need explanation, and indescribable melody i could hum all day and night with the feeling that lingers for always, even after all the time that passed.

just one kiss, could do so much damage.

a kiss.

horrible weekend

...a worried-filled stay in the suburb, a near death experience - again, and a hug-less goodbye. sometimes i wish for far too much of everything to be better, but there isnt any harm in wishing - just plain hurt in the end. so, now i know why people say dont wish too much.