emotional strain

i think it is safe to say that most people would have felt suffocated and overwhelmed when good things (or bad things) come in heaps when you least expect them to.  it is at those times when you almost lose faith in thinking that good things will still happen in your life, that these blessings come pouring in. verbal support, physical strength and stability you can count on, sights&sounds of happiness, these and more - comes knocking at your door just begging for you to open up your heart to just welcome them into your life, however miserable you may be at that point of time.

 

i do, and still am filled with anxiety over things i couldnt control. things of my own doings, as well as things i never would have seen coming - maybe from a year ago. i wouldnt say it is all good or bad, at all, but i am still flabbergasted at all the angst im experiencing over the past hour and a half looking at this blank page not knowing what to write or fill in first!

 

it is nerve-wrecking, to have an overflowing of ideas and thoughts but an inability to express it as best i could. not like this. not when everything feels so jumbled up in knots that nobody have ever discovered and put a name to. not when i am scared to face it just yet.

 

this is, overwhelming. it is.

 

i do have panic attacks that affect me quite badly at very odd times, i just dont deal with it like a medical condition that i should. i guess that somehow helped me face most of my doubts i wouldnt say anybody from a medical background would have approved of. i avoid them...for as long as i could. i just try shutting that part that brings panic, up to a point when the problem fills up the entire mind like a merry-go-round that just doesnt stop rotating and playing that awfully enchanting melody. (enchanting melodies can be scary, yes?)

 

until all these that bugs me get sorted out nicely and i can tuck myself to peaceful slumbers, this blog wont be an outlet to another trivial and/or meaningless post - i promise.