stern voice. pfft.

learn to let go.

how does one avoid loss in the first place? contrary to popular belief, it is not attachment that causes loss - attachment feels fine. it is detachment that hurts. learn to let go.

some suggest that to avoid loss, one should never be attached to anything. they give example of a hand in water; when the hand is removed from the water, the hand leaves no impression. these people say the reason the hand leaves no trace in the water is because the water is not attached to the hand.

everything, bad day - learn to let go.

bad people, learn to not care too much.

bad food or drinks, avoid.

all the things in between, just try.

comfy talk

today, of all days, i have been feeling a little bit more uncomfortable being myself. i thought of the story of my life, up till now - and close my eyes for a second. then i thought, there is just too much i need to do to get rid of this anxiety whether or not the world is coming to an end.

first off, it is the usual apologizing(s) - to those that i have wronged, in any way, that i have had misunderstandings with, those that i may have directly or indirectly caused sparks of indiscloseable irritance through my words, actions or thoughts, those cases of things unresolved and of things simply unknown of its salvations.

in the past, i have had been so many things. i brood good&evil in a lot of ways maybe unknown to even myself. there is just so much i would want to give, all of those in my thoughts that i most definitely know i could deliver and i did not. those are the things that sometimes propose certain discomfort from time to time, to myself. i could have done better - a sentence said by many but understood by few.

determined escape

it is a waste of space&time for me and the company that i am staying with neither of us doing each other any good. so i guess im gonna be giving way to the lot that is in waiting list to come in. well i guess it is time to just travel and go hey-ho like a pure lazy-ass for a bit. first stop - New York! wootz!

i am truly not in need to that meagre bling, neither do i need to face the wrong stares. staying on was a complete mistake holding on to barely there ego that i still think i possess.

ps : just a random rant. bad day. pfft.

without passion

i tend to overthink, overwrite, and perform all sorts of over(s).

just more, of late.

...and without much passion.

following changes

my thoughts tend to sound better in books i didnt write, and in the songs i didnt sing. even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way i feel. there is a double edge comfort in knowing that no one really knows.

my thoughts are hard to write out, or even share for that matter. in my head it all makes sense, but in my mouth, words refuse to form. it is very frustrating, and that is why i will always just smile. not mocking. just a smile and nothing more. im sorry that when im sad that i will smile. im sorry that when im upset i will still smile. i will just try my best to smile in the worst of situations. it is a whole lot easier than explaining everything or anything at all.

just so you know...

a smile, isnt always comforting or is bad-intentioned, but it is the best that i could do sometimes, better than to just make things worse.

tuesday plan!

now, now, the september plan was to surprise this little missy who gave me highs&lows on my own birthday. so she has got a similar but better (maybe) treatment from all of us friends (and her very loving bf) who sayang her.


the whole plan was really scary as all of us were really busy and schedule was tight. thank goodness everything did come together in the end. she was happy, we think. lol.

here, is what good friends did;

 the birthday girl, obviously!

the couple. part of the mastermind (boyfie of the birthday girl) and the celebrity of the day.

hmm, that day everything started pretty normal. presents were given by all of us like a normal weekday workday kinda birthday, in the office. no hanky-panky. then all throughout the day we were still trying to sort things out, hopeful that things will go smoothly as planned.

...and it did! sort of. teehee. i bet she thought it was a dinner only with her love, at this north indian restaurant we picked for the beautiful ambiance and decor. well, plus, being seated at a designated platform over-seeing the chefs making those whatdoyoucallitstuffonironsticks, gross but so naissssss.

so, anyways, happy birthday Cynthia!



cocoracha&cozmique

okay, am just so excited to blabber about my current gaming obsession;

so bear with me (again!)

so proud of having two very nice characters in dragon nest up to the highest level and is still improving the stats in less than a week. yea, that's the geeky me talking. met quite a number of very interesting and kind people who turns out to be really nice in real life, too!

i rush home from work every single day (as soon as i can get off from my pile of work, after sorting the urgencies, which to be finished and which could be postponed), just to get back to the game. consider my waking up and checks the game even before checking out my phone like i usually do (after pressing 'dismiss' on the phone, obviously), and practically drowns myself in the game the whole remaining week obsessive. i guess that the game helped, a lot, in passing time and not being emo about so many irregularities in this life, and to try not to think about the things i decided to not think anymore.

...and i think i even neglected putting my time online and thinking about this blog. well, if it is possible to have a storage of a million times more than the computer - my brain should be able to compromise to let me have fun while letting me keep my daily memories and thoughts for the longest possible time! : )

stay gold, die young

...am thinking far, but staying close to the things i hold dear to my heart. i can be myself here. i can tell the truth and never have to say, 'im fine.' i can talk freely about it, in my own words. about how even when i wake some mornings and i am content, i can still feel it tapping silently behind my heart. i know it is there, waiting for something, anything, the tiniest hiccup in my day to claw its way out and spread like cancer through the dark bits inside of me. it spreads from behind my heart, to my lungs - almost musical, it rushes to my head and then i am gone. rendered defenseless, helpless. people dont understand it. it is not an over-reaction. it is losing a battle in a long dark war. i know, ultimately i wont win this fight. i am already very tired, fighting an endless fight with the person within myself. i know someday it will take me, consume me. my heart will decide its time to stop pumping its poison through my veins. that will be the day that people know, once and for all that i wasnt as strong that they had thought.

staircase to heaven

actually, im just gonna say ignore my title. haha. im dealing with staircase in the design im assigned to now, so the title is something that i randomly thought of.


ohh, there are so many lives. how i wish i could live them concurrently, instead of one by one by one. i could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls. but i know that is not how it works. human life is a beautiful mess. i should learn to understand that mine too, is a beautiful tale.

new game, new flame.

i remember a friend once told me, he keeps grudges - and he does it passionately. he explained that once he love, he love hard. once he is offended, he goes all out with that hate, the hard way too. well, he has a lot of contradictory acts that i find not relevant to what he admit to being. well, anyways...

i guess this is where that perception differ. i am easily happy, and easily angry, but i dont dwell in it for too long, the latter. i get bored way too fast in draggy things. maybe from that, i find no meaning in being upset or storing hate for another person or thing for long. i get bored of being mad. yes, i think that is it. when boredom overcomes the madness of being pissed, it just sizzles into something unknown to me. i am just gonna leave that word, whatever word there is to describe this absurdity.

there is always gonna be a sense of shock and disbelief when you face something or someone that  has been so close to you before and when something happened (whatever it is, direct or indirectly) you totally zone out. that numbness, for me, is in resonance for some time - before i come to term with my body and brain that it is actually gonna be okay. it will be, and i will be glad that i dont know what is actually going on. the curiosity just halted to a stop, when your hearts feels that it is alright right pass an encounter.


i think you would gradually get over the pain of people coming in and out of your life. it doesnt go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with each passing day. one morning you wake up, and they are not the first thing on your mind. and then a few months down the line, you realize you have made it through half the day without thinking of them. sometimes it takes months, sometimes years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally.  you manage to do this because you dont see them, you dont hear about them, and you try not to think about them. but when you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name and the memories come flooding back. but memories also become less painful in time.


ps // im glad you have found somebody worthy of your abundant love. best wishes. sincerely.

million dollar dreams & federal nightmares

i did a quiz for fun, and these are the outcome. hmm...




Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.


The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.


Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.


The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.


Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.


The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.


How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.


What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.


Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.






...almost totally accurate, it is fun and comforting to know that some of it is actually in me. 

selamat hari raya

august's secret

some thoughts, on a beautiful august;


love is - that feeling that you cant describe in words. it is when you can care for someone so deeply, and yet hate them at the same time. when you spend your nights awake wondering why you are hurting, when you are the happiest you have ever been. longing for someone you think about every single day. for me love is something to be cherished, it is something that i see many overlook and take for granted every single day. love is something that everyone has the chance to experience, if they would allow themselves to. love is what you use to describe that indescribable feeling, love is what guides you to the light within your own soul.

a simple outing to the movie with love(s) is always a comfort in disguise. these are the people that remains constant in my life. hopefully till the end of my time on earth. 

one drink could lead to tens of different topics and events to talk about. we are women, of substance. lol. now, this is a friendship that goes beyond anger, happiness, grief, attitude, personality(ies) and all that. trust me, we have more magic in our pockets than master houdini himself. C: 

a memorable surprise party these people organized for me is just overwhelming. i couldnt feel more blessed to be showered with attention like this. family love, and then this. these people are so good that i didnt see it coming at all, or wait, maybe it was just me - dumb enough to have not realized the weird things all month long. what was i thinking, that laying low and having a mellow simple birthday this year seems to go smoothly, when i have all these extraordinary people in my life. xoxo this will definitely be a day to remember for life.

one half of the culprits. teehee. 

obviously, this darling made me cringe in embarrassment. yes, embarrassment for being fooled by the whole absurd plot the whole time. lol. i was almost completely mad at him for ditching me on our date, and made me go all open-mouthed at the sudden change of plans i almost teared up feeling upset. but before i could reach home and hug a pillow and bawl, he makes things better again. just like that. sigh. this love-hate relationship i can never know how to handle. always on the verge of screaming and laughing! pfft. this, wraps up my birthday - month. 

life at 24

well, i guess age is catching up but not not letting it catch us is the key to being alive. 26th August is just like any other ordinary day, this year. i wake up, go to work, meet people, come back to love&home, and that is about it - on a typical weekday. thank you, love, for always putting a smile on my face at the right times. family love, too. always, never-ending and never-ever changing. a day i could call my own, once a year, till the day i breathe my last.

plesantries

im a self-proclaimed sentimental blogger who loves day dreaming, something close to having delusional disorder. she is probably living in her own fantasies but do not worry, she blogs about her reality.

if i were your girlfriend, we would go on woodland adventures and run along the beach and sneak into movies and i would mess up your hair and bite your nose and sing you strings of stupid songs and write poetry on your back and dedicate a dinosaur to you, etc.

that's about it.

yesterday's breeze

people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that is what everyone wants. but i think a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. maybe? probably.

a true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful, dont you think? soul mate(s), they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

a soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…or perhaps go back to what you know is most important to you.

...and we move like lovers, darling. let me run my fingers down your side and kiss you right below the eye.

sparkles&shine

note to self: when someone walks out of your life, let them. then, what you make of yourself and your future is no longer tied to them. once, it is chance. twice, it is fate.

so, yea. im just going to suck it up.

images taken from tumblr

unreliable is a word that is enough to explain all.

round&round

browsing through roxy&quicksilver items at their outlet in town today, seeing familiar watches designs i thought of a person so awfully close, but yet is so far. it struck me silly, how somebody who is so alike you becomes such distant creature, point blank. whatever happens, whatever that comes out of innocent mouth&mind doesn't compare to what that person did right out of impulse. it becomes irreversible and alters the whole situation to a point of no return.

yea. gotta sleep on this. see what is there for me afterwards. there has got to be something other than these useless stuff that bugs me.




ps: i am not really looking forward to this friday. it somewhat repels happiness off of me. there used to be a lot on my list, that i wanted and am fond of the list that i had made just a little earlier this year. but it all changed and now i just dont seem to have it all composed anymore. friday is just like any other day i suppose. we will all wake up and not think a thing of the world, seeing only what the world has to offer.

superficial

you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you, and then you meet one person and your life has changed. forever. // jamie randal - love & the other drugs.

so, but that said, everything else is superficial. well, other than that of the normal things that we talk about on a daily basis. blood is thicker than water, friendship is forever, those kinda things. sometimes, i hate that i take things too seriously. and it happened before that because of that very trait i have (i was said to have), i was laughed at - a lot. but then again, the littlest thing annoys me. anything as much as caught my attention i could be walking on tip toe all day being all giddy and anxious and messed up and all that mixed up. it wasnt good. not good at all. it is bad. pure evil, for me. i hate that i pay so much attention to the things that i should not. i might not have had to overcome any fear or anxiety or nightmares coming right back at me over the time if it was not for these curiosity that sparked over things that i might or might not know, should not have been known, supposedly not to be known at all.

there might be some truth in that. all of that. although there isnt anything worth repeating. i just love repeating as it strengthens my nonexistent points.

the point is, i should have ignored irrelevant things. shouldnt i have?

blue black

it has been a while, since i could hold my breath and just feel the past screened through my mind. this time, it has gone by in a brief forever. i am not sure of how i could say it that way, but i have had a glimpse of everything, and i just thought hell, so much happened in such a short life of mine. looking back, i could laugh at a lot of things as well as cringe in pain just thinking about the dumbest things that i have performed. it doesnt amuse me at all, but in a way i have seen myself growing up. from the littlest bit, to the very core of what i am showing in every little thing that i do now. maybe it isnt so much that i reach the sky, or shine the brightest. but what i represent today, somewhat reflect things that i chose to be, to do, to have to become myself. somebody i would have had no idea of, ten years back. there would have been nothing to be compared to what changed me over the years. hallucination doesnt work this way, so im not classified as having an insanity-fix nor that having coke-fix made me talk nonsense every now and then. i guess having limited vocabulary contributes to me writing almost-the-same things time over time. sigh.

i have worked hard and been through many experiences to be the person i am today and when people compliment that, compliment my personality, it means so much more. in a society obsessed with trying to look perfect, i just wish people would appreciate personality more. personality is so underrated. concentrate on being open-minded, accepting, humorous, caring, kind, unselfish, interesting and find someone that appreciates that. i am sick of people only thinking about attractive-ness, i am so much more than that. i can say that, because i believe beauty is not just skin deep.