between the lines

you know that feeling? when you are just waiting, waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and let everything out that you have kept in all day. that feeling of both relief and desperation.

nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either. i am just tired. tired of everything. tired of nothing. i just want someone to be there and tell me it is okay, even if it is not really true. i just know i have to be strong for myself, because it is a fact that nobody can fix me - other than myself. but im tired of waiting. tired of being the one to fix myself and everyone else. tired of being strong. and for once, i just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved. and i know i wont be. not yet. but im still hoping. and im still wishing. and im still staying strong and fighting, with tears in my eyes, im fighting.

note to self; there is just so much i could fight, sometimes. maybe letting it be is the best solution. maybe i just havent found that something that would make me smile not matter what. or maybe i was just too busy looking, and feeling, that i didnt realise i have already got the piece that i have been missing all these while. oh god, help me...

infatuation to a story

...in my head.

the light greeted me like a faithful old friend. it is a constant struggle. lingering in my footprints, in my kisses in times of sweetness, in the breath trailing from my mouth in your skin. it is no longer this or that, but is this right?

it is no longer a simple, two-sided equation but an equation with endless variables falling apart under the smoldering reminder of what is. these variables create limbs sprawled outward, they lay spilled out on my grounds, my skies, and in my brain. pressed with questions and morals and doubts.

how did everything suddenly get so goddamn.......difficult ?

mental mentruation

i know it sounds gross, but yes, that is what happening to me. i think.

something is definitely wrong with me. dont start saying this is stupid or try to laugh at me, at all. im saying this in an understated-serious-tone-maybe-not-shown-through-words now.

those mood swings are really something arent they? that superficial happiness is the best thing you have come across in as long as you can remember and it is beautiful. it is like you are floating in pink clouds eating candies and dancing like your life depends on it. and in that moment in time you feel invincible and nothing can get to you, you feel like you can bring the whole world together and make a ground-breaking difference in this chaos you live in. but then melancholy tints your euphoria and it feels like you are falling, falling, falling back to the ground and a great big hand is clutching at your heart as it weeps and weeps and weeps.

okay. that is about how dramatic i could get, for now.

thank you.

on the contrary

...of writing this post, today, i find nothing of myself worth sharing. i lose the promise of written language, exited the possibility of wandering into communication which changes that.

perhaps i am waiting for another ignition of passion to begin to burn again. i am desperate to have it all uncover again, a change that could light my path further along in this journey of mine in self-discovery.

i wish to say these fragments aloud and let them guide me some place, allow them to pull me closer to inspirations, push me further in comfort and strength of worries&fear. may it illuminate pain singing and shaking the troubles and triumph that cradles with hesitation.

...a breakthrough, in progress. (:

happy 21st monthsary darling. may this fire burn bright and long, for us. xx

for your information

my biggest fear is insanity, but being so close to it intrigues me. i see so much beauty in the things that im most afraid of.

a brutal swap of words between the good&bad which comes out as screams&cheers in my head which digs as molecules sparking. they uncovers the deep things buried inside one another. reaching in to pull them out, and rest them safely in the palm of my hands - by imagination.

my energy is waning constantly. so tired of these common themes and my inability to change the hard parts. life is like that, one of the universal truths we all agree and only admit in silence most of the time. though so, i believe everybody is living a story and trying to write a better script in every way. arent we?

back to reality

... after my long break from everything..and things felt good, probably because im back to familiar grounds again. kk-penang-kedah-perlis-kedah-langkawi-kedah-penang-kk. that is about where&how we have traveled.

the main occasion for this trip is to attend a wedding, in true hokkien tradition! and yes, it is my very first time having seen everything that is done in that manner, hokkien-style. other than that, it was mainly an eat-walk-talk kinda thing, just enjoying the time off work and not having a care to what happens on my work-desk then.

food galore! amongst my favorite food in kedah was this otak-otak-steamed-style! yummy to the max! well, there seem to be a lot of small town hawker material that we have tasted along the trip but this struck me as both delicious and healthy(?) and cheap! picture below, is laksa, and i know(!) it doesnt look like one. the reason why it looks like that is because it is a homecooked-freestyle-buffet-laksa that i can actually pick whichever ingredient available to be in my laksa. and this version of mine is filled with loads of pineapple&cucumber slices, with everything else underneath namely the noodle, the-whatever-sauce(im sorry i dont even know what sauce it is), whatever leaves, and whatever else there is necessary to be in that bowl of laksa. there are these spices/vegetable/(this, something) that i was not at all fond of because of its repelling taste when i accidentally chewed it, i think it stinks, im sorry. hmm, or maybe it was something else that i was offered during my laksa-time that i coudnt bring myself to remember now. it was all a blur as it was like a feast day-and-night kinda thing. very weird though that i didnt put on too much weight all the while i was there. maybe it was the weather. maybe it was all the marathon-style-tour&roadtrips. i dont know. but i would be truly ecstatic if i was told that my metabolism level increased after every happy time. is that even possible? pfft.

im not anything close to a good narrator or writer or (another)whatever, so pardon my inability to properly describe (even) my own experiences in appropriate ways. thank you. (:

here's...the groom, arriving at the bride's home and preparing to woo his bride. this is where the fun part begins. there arent gonna be photos posted here, nor that i am gonna elaborate further. so yea, it is only gonna be in my memory, my mental recollections of what happened from the beginning of this wedding till the wedding banquet itself. it was a happy occasion, though, even the fact that all of us have to go through about an hour drive to get to the bride's place to get her. well, sorry for the lack of story-telly. it would be too long and too much pictures to show if i were to narrate the whole process here, given that im so bad with shortening stories (as everybody says so).

an image taken from where i was being seated, the towering cake as a background to the gorgeous bride and groom and his parents. the setting was altogether simple yet very elegant. it was a sight to remember.

last, but not least, us together in the almost-playful manner as a couple during the whole procession, not like the other entourage. teehee. i would probably add in more visuals soon. being in a big crowd, you tend to have pictures taken separately, in lots(!) of different gadgets! (: needs time to sort things out, even from my own camera. maybe i should upload it all in facebook. at least there will be another place for storage and keepsake, in case my hard disc or phone memory or whatever flash drive gets the blues to not let me be sentimental about this trip in the future. lol.

one of those days

i hate those nights when you really just need to talk to someone but no one answers the phone. it always seems to work out that way.

im just gonna go read a book.

or, im gonna just do all of 30-day-challenge, or rather - the-30-questions, in this one post.

wait, which would you prefer to know anyways? i would be glad to answer if anybody could be kind enough to give me feedback that this is important enough for me to answer and maybe get to know myself better.

pain&groans

there are times when i felt really really sick, my body tells me that being sick isnt always about physical pain and suffering. most of the times it is the mind telling the body that it has to just feel pain, rather than just hiding it behind those smiles and nonchalant attitude. the heart has a way of telling the mind&body things we cannot explain.

so yea, i had a major gastritis pain for almost close to a week. having met my doctor and had a checkup when the pain is at the point of insufferable measures, he told me that there is nothing wrong with me and being the concerned person that he has always been, asked whether i am stressed in any way. i asked him what does it have to do with the pain that im having, and there he is - going all psychological comforting to me.

so people, maybe being all nice and evasive isnt so good at all. it hurts, in one way or the other in the end. there is nothing chronic about my mental status though, no worries. i am still sane and kicking. haha.

long break, another awaits!

it has been a while, since we last had our family vacation. this time, it is different - a breath of fresh air!

some snapshots of Longchuan, China, from my mobile. it's ancient, but breathtaking, this supposed homeland of mine.

the man that takes my breath away. a random picture for this post, (i know) taken at Kasih Sayang Resort on one of our lazy Sunday brunches.

high up, this is where you open up your heart and mind and then just let things flow to the sound of nature.

the family friend that became our tourguide-cum-awesome driver-cum-interpreter-cum-supplier of endless laughter, like a dear brother *hearts*

i miss the weather there. cold, but the warmth felt by heart is irreplaceable.

our life, people's life, one thing for sure we should not compare. everybody is living theirs the best they could, and i would not wanna trade mind for others anytime now. hmm...

more posts to come. when im ready to talk. ):

substitute mind

i just,

...i just need something to happen. a sign that things are going to change. i need a reason to go on. i need some hope. and in the absence of hope, i need to stay in bed, and feel like i might die tonight.

first of march

happy birthday, you!

what have we done the past month? only god knows...

i blog my heart

Honey you are a rock

Upon which I stand

And I come here to talk

I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you

And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load

And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you

And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea

Upon which I float

And I came here to talk

I think you should know

That green eyes, you’re the one that I wanted to find

And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load

And it feels so much lighter, since I met you

Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you.

Coldplay: Green Eyes-- this song will always remind me of you for the rest of my life. i think it’s safe to say it is our song, one of them at least. i will always say that this song is for you because it is and because your eyes are beautiful and because you are amazing. every time i listen to it i smile and i think of you.

a complete moron

...me!

i think everybody has experienced times when they just cringes at the very thought of what just happened that cant be changed anymore. embarrassing? so yes! ):

another friggin dream

...this time, MY wedding! but i cant even see the groom. and my dad was drinking and laughing like a mad man and not escorting me when i walk the aisle. i cant spot my mother either. what a horrible horrible dream! ): i see people i know, and people i dont know shits about. it was at a church, but somehow market-like. one thing i remembered that was nice about the whole thing was that my wedding gown was gorgeous. at least it is something for me to smile about. sigh. what is it all about? all these dreams with terrible meanings to understand and makes you miserable? i dont wanna imagine the day i fall apart doing something right out of the ordinary and all of a sudden there is fire of hell burning me to death. pfft. it might happen, since everything is so surreal to me nowadays. i am just floating through the days...now.

imysssm ):

i cant help it but think what actually does soulmate means? why the eff does everybody seem to be in love but dont know what or who they are loving?

lately i have been distraught, not because there is a hurricane inside of my mind. just because, i feel like a mess being in bigger messes. just saying...

i miss you. you complete me. like, really. ):

qing tian

had been listening to all about your heart by mindy gledhill and thought, why the hell cant i be cheerful about all that i have gone through. it is just to hold on or to let go. either way, there is still a pince of happiness in them somewhere. but that is the point, i cant do both. neither can i not do any of them. someone please cut me into half. maybe when im dead it is gonna be doable, both at the same time.

...this, is the perfect life (: someday, i would love to achieve this!

that silver lining

reds&blacks. there are so many simple ways to celebrate happiness and being together as a team is such a blessing. sweet or sour, altogether still a composition of strength. we just had a simple dinner-cum-cny celebration on eve of chapgohmei right after work and it was genuine good spirit.

part of the team, colleagues that make things happen and buildings gets built. duh! (: these are happy people that makes my day a breeze to go through.

...this person, a mentor, sometimes a friend, sometimes like a dad to me. im truly glad to have known him. a candid shot that seemed natural that we were all happy and high-for the right reasons! i love my colleagues!

no regrets

find something that you love. something that gets you so excited you cant wait to get out of bed in the morning. the money thing will come. i know so many people who have so much more money than i. they are miserable. it is so important to be happy.

Chris Gardner - The Pursuit of Happyness

20110214

...lay down, be still don't worry talk they will. i'll be loving you until morning's first light breaks tomorrow. i'll take care of you tonight.--we the kings

there has always been a steady stream of debate when it comes to vday. but why the hell does everybody make a big fuss out of a day made for loving. yes, everyday is supposed to be the same for love. vday is just another special day to commemorate love of any kinds.

on this day we learn about many things that people do for love, true love stories from near and far, heartbreaks, sweet memories, bitter experiences yadda yadda yadda. let's not talk about the sad part, for today and hopefully in the future. just dwell in this love-y day today (:

happy valentine's day people!

my version of valentine's day this time is a surprise of a so-called dinner date invitation from the boyfriend that comes with this bouquet of beautiful 9stalks. i hesitated for a while, knowing that i might not get my point across if i give in just like that. but this is an occasion to be merry. not significantly there for just once in a year, but here as a reminder for love. forgiveness and understanding is included in that context, so i might as well comply and be happy along. at least try to, and not make a big sucky day out of my life for anger-sake. sigh.

ps: so, let's see what is up tonight during the-date. am not expecting anything fancy, just quality time. hope it is that, and not any less.

such a small world we have, indeed.

it's fascinating that here in kota kinabalu, everybody seems to know everybody. friends, friends of friends, third degree friends, etc and the list goes neverending. but somehow, people seem to know people in our lives, in one way or another.

how do you deal with people you meet everyday, people you have known, or people who knows you? how do you retain a good relationship with everybody? i personally think, that as i grow older, people that i meet tend to change and then indirectly changes my approach to people too. i dont know if this is good or bad. you tell me?