merry christmas !

just a little note to wish everybody a very merry christmas and an impressive new year to look forward to!


love always,
Laine.

if only tears were laughter, if only nights were day

...or the other way around. it would be fine for me, either way.

i wanna have lunch dates too. not that i dont, but i wanna have it with you - like old times. people that im fond of, not those that i will have to please or get upset with because i am just not like that. i want to have things to look forward to when i wake up or before i sleep. be it sound of your voice, or just texts, or random messages on paper or the internet. it would make just SO much difference, no matter what. 

sometimes you tend to want things and think of off topic things when you are too free. that might be my case right now. i want so much. but by the look of these things they are actually small scale, things doable. these arent even hard by any standards.

i miss being me. i worry too much, this me now. 

and i drift away, not far enough for me to forget nonsensical stuff i kept in this head. 

sigh.

merry merry

the office is getting merry merry in these weeks leading to Christmas season. everybody is just no more in the mood to hard work and toiling through peak hours anymore. everybody thought of colors, and music, and pretty stuff.

i wish i could be more ridiculous than always being in this suppressed state.

one way or another...

itsy-bitsy december

look on the bright side, we all say, but we couldnt help but be shocked of how time flies especially when it is the last month of the year already. the last of something, anything, would make you ponder longer on things that have passed and things that have lasted. where and what we have done, how and why did we do it, who did what and the questions and answers span a thousand miles. i could have waited till im gray to ask these questions, but nobody knows how long we could be living - at all. i never thought i would catch anything that i caught before, at my age, which is still considerably young-ish. hmm. but hey, i did!

ohh, and regrets...i have a list too. but it doesnt matter how long that list goes i had my time with them and life goes on. believe it or not, they haunt me. still. they do. but i couldnt just keep paddling in my own ocean of tears. i dive, now. 

as cliche as it sounds, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. i am not stronger, but i am not weak enough to admit i am broken. at this point all i can do is to go on. whatever that could happen, it will. or will not. 

what?

what the hell happened this year? so many things came&gone. so many things i gained&lost. 

just so you know, you are taking me apart like a bad glue on a get well card. you will always be my shadow, a levy, all that's strong and steady. i know i could always count on you, but those are not what i could decide anymore. i am still impress at how well you kept time, it never truly left...and they say high school stuff were never serious and might not even exist. they know they are bluffing. 

somehow these are the things that made me believe that there are real love and real relations that stands the test of time and elements. it could never go wrong if you feel it in your heart. i believe everybody has sixth sense. we just never truly acknowledge it and put it to good use. our gut feelings, our heartbeats. these are the senses that we never pay enough credit for, and that is why people have regrets that last as long as they live. i could be one of the many too, who knows. yea, you said i know not what i say&do. that i only know that i am fine and happy, and the rest doesnt matter. you know deep inside what i think&feel. you know. i dont have to explain.

subconscience

i am at the stage of hoarding, i see everything worthy of either keepsake for a lifetime or into the bin they go. i have always been hoarding things ever since forever but i guess it has worsen after i had the privilege of earning and keeping extra cash by my own. this list includes music, and pictures. obviously girl stuff like heels and clothes and all that jewelery i bought and kept but never wore and things like that. 


from the look of things, many more changes need to be made to reach my satisfaction - more to reach the ideal  status for the very introverted perfectionist in me. sometimes im okay with just the way things are and not be fussy because i think everything is sufficient and need not be overly done. but there are times that i feel like things could be so much better in so many ways that i make a real big deal to make things right, my own way. they dont always end right, though.


i need somebody who can actually sit me down when things gets hard to control, who calms me down when i reach my panicky stage, who is just there and it makes all the difference - like nothing could ever go wrong. i know you are there. i know.

blissful thoughts

sometimes i ponder, if things were to be different. if i made a different choice. if it was a different scenario. i play them in my mind like a self-made short film thay goes fast-forwarded at a pace only i follow and know. thing should be veru different. i can tell, because only the thoughts have made me smile. bit then again, this is some sort of bliss too. bliss in finding myself. bliss of knowing what could have, would have. this is a different set of feelings. a different perspective of bliss. being in sync with the brain&heart is difficult. possible, but almost impossible. i know not of a word or a sentence to properly describe these, but here i am trying every bit i could to pretend i am actually explaining this disastrous emotion that is happening inside my head. so much so that i think i am not living, but am hovering at human pace and dimension. uhmm...weird.

just, this once, i dont want to give in. i gave in enough in life. i gave in, even in things i despise most. i gave in. no more.

i am tired. really.

what

...is the integrity now?

i think the mind speaks for itself and i have no idea that it was self-destructive until i feel the after-effects. 

sigh. what have i done and what will i do, again?


only god knows.

where are you?

i know this is dumb or lame and/or not bright at all, but i have missed you. a lot. so much that i'd probably regret it when i find out things that erases all that fondness later on. which i will. eventually. i know it but i still think of it. yes, i know.

i despise

...men with little sensitivity and low kindness count. whatever that is. maybe it is true that most good men are turned into *pardon me*gays. that is a compliment. well, obviously this is stress-talk. i think, being nice doesnt always pay off - especially when you're facing a darn stubborn person with brains made of titanium who lives in his own world so far i could not reach sometimes, and im in my own world i created so that i could filter all these people from my life. i failed. so bad. that this life still contains such people whom i shall point my fingers to for making me miserable when i am. so very miserable. at times.

downright low

very not myself lately

purple thursday

i know everybody wants something like this, growing up. in one way or another. i want, too. it is just so rare nowadays, but i know i could have it. you told me we could have this kind of relationship. you also taught me that this is only a matter of being ourselves, with ourselves, for ourselves. yes, you taught me so much. but ours, is the one that didnt survive as pictured in the image. 

im sure we are better on our own, being sunshines to people as we were sunshines to each other. thank you for being in my life, for as long as you did...

just a random post about having (used to) a soulmate.

anxiety strike

my emotions change so drastically everyday. i could feel on top of the world and then, suddenly, i am numb. seconds from breaking down. it is scary, even to myself.

there is just too many possibilities, and i cannot stop imagining living with each possible ways that i could think of. but it is the thinking and doing part that i dont understand why most of us just dont go with what is on our minds most of the time. why? i cannot even explain to myself, let alone make good with my own head. such a confusing inner conflict.

cruel realization

some medical officers a.k.a. doctors are truly heartless and non-dedicated. i wonder why did they apply for med-school in the first place if they have no intention at all to make people well again! especially this indian lady doctor (i assume is doing her housemanship or whatever practical at Klinik Kesihatan Luyang, Kota Kinabalu). i wouldnt go there if it wasnt for another young&inexperienced private doctor's recommendation. this Dr is the very first doctor that ultimately changed my whole view on good doctors. sigh.

nevermind about the long and uncomfortable queues and seemingly dirty environment, it is expected - obviously, but i would expect the treatment to be professional and up to standard as medical practices HAS to be. but NO! to my disappointment, that doctor didnt even pay enough attention to me or to my illness that she didnt even care to understand my situation to inquire thoroughly with at least matched symptoms before sending me to get ridiculous medical tests at the chest department that requires  me to spit literally invisible phlegm and with rude staff nurses! pffft. in short, she didnt even looked at me long enough to know what i have been telling her in my best language and interpretation. so i am furious and emotional and lost at that point of time to not understand why i should be taking those tests when i fully (if not half understood) some of the very obvious symptoms of the horrible disease of which the tests she directed me to take.

nonetheless, i left with swollen eyes and sniffling after crying for having to go through all the stupidity and hassle of being treated like a dumb person.

i would never ever ever go back there ever, if possible. amen.

clear skies

looking back on high school, i just remember specific scenarios and thinking, wow, that was such a big deal at the time, but right now it feels like it never even happened. so i guess if i can give any advice, i would just say that everything will pass, and it will feel like it was a big deal over nothing. life goes on and then you change and other things happen, and everything feels like it is so much worse afterwards. it will always get better. right?

when i look back on my liife, it is not that i dont want to see things exactly as they happened. it is just that i prefer to remember them in an artistic way - my way.

11.11.11

totally agree with this quote;

I am so romantic about Gypsies. They’re not allowed to do anything until they get married. So they all get married really young, at sixteen. You can’t believe the dresses. They’re like blinging butterflies times ten; they can’t move down the aisle! It’s so genius. I was just watching Jamie, so cute, and I was like, these girls, they just spend their whole life waiting for that day—let’s do it! // Kate Moss, Vogue

i used to stick to this belief too, until i grew up and realize that the belief stays but only the execution of the ways and perception is a little different. of course, the whole idea of it isnt altered completely.

so...

a lot of people gets hitched at these dates - 09.09.09, 10.10.10 and now 11.11.11. there is another 12.12.12 next year, but i wonder what is next when there is definitely no 13.13.13 after that. what is so special about that date when you would have to share it with hundreds or maybe thousands of couple in the whole wide world. what's more, that date wont ever be repeated, ever - not until a hundred years later in 2111. hmm.

anyways, i was just thinking. that's all.

what is missing?

the state of missing somebody is hard to fathom or to explain in a proper conversation or writing. it could be of many similarities as well as many many differences.

i think you just wanted somebody to want you. well, i did want you. but be brave, sometimes i too, realize that times passed and it isnt right anymore - however right a situation might be.

near death

things end at a blink of an eye. what happened this morning was a warning for me to take important things seriously and not to make a fool of myself dying out of stupid reasons. thank goodness the crash didnt leave me paralyze or whatsoever (i truly thank god for that) or else i wont be able to do a lot more things that i need or should do. am gonna focus on finishing my work and send it over to client over the weekend and then recuperate from that shock, of this morning.

 

did he really just do that?

very unlikely, that you actually did what you did at the end of that very brief goodbye. a temporary goodbye, or was it a permanent goodbye? i am not sure - at all. *shrug* do you mind telling me? in any way possible? what was that?

there are few people whom i really love, and still fewer of whom i think well. the more i see of the world, the more am i dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense. // jane austen, pride and prejudice