downright low

very not myself lately

purple thursday

i know everybody wants something like this, growing up. in one way or another. i want, too. it is just so rare nowadays, but i know i could have it. you told me we could have this kind of relationship. you also taught me that this is only a matter of being ourselves, with ourselves, for ourselves. yes, you taught me so much. but ours, is the one that didnt survive as pictured in the image. 

im sure we are better on our own, being sunshines to people as we were sunshines to each other. thank you for being in my life, for as long as you did...

just a random post about having (used to) a soulmate.

anxiety strike

my emotions change so drastically everyday. i could feel on top of the world and then, suddenly, i am numb. seconds from breaking down. it is scary, even to myself.

there is just too many possibilities, and i cannot stop imagining living with each possible ways that i could think of. but it is the thinking and doing part that i dont understand why most of us just dont go with what is on our minds most of the time. why? i cannot even explain to myself, let alone make good with my own head. such a confusing inner conflict.

cruel realization

some medical officers a.k.a. doctors are truly heartless and non-dedicated. i wonder why did they apply for med-school in the first place if they have no intention at all to make people well again! especially this indian lady doctor (i assume is doing her housemanship or whatever practical at Klinik Kesihatan Luyang, Kota Kinabalu). i wouldnt go there if it wasnt for another young&inexperienced private doctor's recommendation. this Dr is the very first doctor that ultimately changed my whole view on good doctors. sigh.

nevermind about the long and uncomfortable queues and seemingly dirty environment, it is expected - obviously, but i would expect the treatment to be professional and up to standard as medical practices HAS to be. but NO! to my disappointment, that doctor didnt even pay enough attention to me or to my illness that she didnt even care to understand my situation to inquire thoroughly with at least matched symptoms before sending me to get ridiculous medical tests at the chest department that requires  me to spit literally invisible phlegm and with rude staff nurses! pffft. in short, she didnt even looked at me long enough to know what i have been telling her in my best language and interpretation. so i am furious and emotional and lost at that point of time to not understand why i should be taking those tests when i fully (if not half understood) some of the very obvious symptoms of the horrible disease of which the tests she directed me to take.

nonetheless, i left with swollen eyes and sniffling after crying for having to go through all the stupidity and hassle of being treated like a dumb person.

i would never ever ever go back there ever, if possible. amen.

clear skies

looking back on high school, i just remember specific scenarios and thinking, wow, that was such a big deal at the time, but right now it feels like it never even happened. so i guess if i can give any advice, i would just say that everything will pass, and it will feel like it was a big deal over nothing. life goes on and then you change and other things happen, and everything feels like it is so much worse afterwards. it will always get better. right?

when i look back on my liife, it is not that i dont want to see things exactly as they happened. it is just that i prefer to remember them in an artistic way - my way.

11.11.11

totally agree with this quote;

I am so romantic about Gypsies. They’re not allowed to do anything until they get married. So they all get married really young, at sixteen. You can’t believe the dresses. They’re like blinging butterflies times ten; they can’t move down the aisle! It’s so genius. I was just watching Jamie, so cute, and I was like, these girls, they just spend their whole life waiting for that day—let’s do it! // Kate Moss, Vogue

i used to stick to this belief too, until i grew up and realize that the belief stays but only the execution of the ways and perception is a little different. of course, the whole idea of it isnt altered completely.

so...

a lot of people gets hitched at these dates - 09.09.09, 10.10.10 and now 11.11.11. there is another 12.12.12 next year, but i wonder what is next when there is definitely no 13.13.13 after that. what is so special about that date when you would have to share it with hundreds or maybe thousands of couple in the whole wide world. what's more, that date wont ever be repeated, ever - not until a hundred years later in 2111. hmm.

anyways, i was just thinking. that's all.

what is missing?

the state of missing somebody is hard to fathom or to explain in a proper conversation or writing. it could be of many similarities as well as many many differences.

i think you just wanted somebody to want you. well, i did want you. but be brave, sometimes i too, realize that times passed and it isnt right anymore - however right a situation might be.

near death

things end at a blink of an eye. what happened this morning was a warning for me to take important things seriously and not to make a fool of myself dying out of stupid reasons. thank goodness the crash didnt leave me paralyze or whatsoever (i truly thank god for that) or else i wont be able to do a lot more things that i need or should do. am gonna focus on finishing my work and send it over to client over the weekend and then recuperate from that shock, of this morning.

 

did he really just do that?

very unlikely, that you actually did what you did at the end of that very brief goodbye. a temporary goodbye, or was it a permanent goodbye? i am not sure - at all. *shrug* do you mind telling me? in any way possible? what was that?

there are few people whom i really love, and still fewer of whom i think well. the more i see of the world, the more am i dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense. // jane austen, pride and prejudice

by leaps&over boundaries

so much have changed in the course of only a few short months. it is coming to the end of 2011 already and the second last month of the year now. gosh, what have i made out of my life for this year - i wonder. i think i have settled in a lot of ways, being a little more in control of how to manage things that used to make me emotional and repulsive over the years - i have learnt to slowly loosen up. a little more is a lot, in my dictionary. like, really!

anyways, moving on to bits that really caught me pondering deeper than my usual wandering mind is that i truly believe in the phrase that i have always told others whenever/whatever happens, it will be, if it is meant to be. what could go wrong, if destiny decides to give you choices and you get to go your own way? we shouldnt always think that everything is pre-destined, but just believe a little bit more, and do things that feels right - things will happen the right way even if it might not be what we expect. it should be the right thing. even if it doesnt show now, it shows, later.

i think...

joie de vivre

take chances. tell the truth. date someone totally wrong for you. say no. Spend all your cash! fall in love. get to know someone random. be random. say i love you. sing out loud. laugh at a stupid joke. cry. get revenge. apologize. tell someone how much they mean to you. tell the asshole what you feel. let someone know what they are missing. laugh til your stomach hurts. live life!

overwhelmed

love yourself first and everything else falls into line. you really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. // lucille ball

...had pretty much fully-loaded conversations with the folks and there is so much to consider about. taking chances and feeling what the heart really wants to be at this moment, of this life. so much to look forward to but yet it seems like everything is still a rush. some parts of me is already willing, like since forever, but the other parts are still contemplating whether or not i should pursue any other options.

this is head vs heart, obviously.

we are just happy people saying, 'hi, hello!' and smile.

people are afraid to pursue their most important dreams because they that feel they don’t deserve them, or that they’ll be unable to acheive them. we, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever,or of moments that could have been good but weren’t, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. because when these things happen, we suffer terribly. // paulo coelho, the alchemist

dream beautiful and unusual

im always torn between wanting to tell my story to everyone and let them know exactly what is in my head or keeping it to myself. the problem is being outwardly unhappy and consistently so pushes people away, no matter if they say they are always there to listen, there is only so much your best friends can listen to. on the other hand, to pretend that everything is fine is to poison yourself from the inside out, is to ignore who you are and lose yourself. so which is better? to have friends that think you are melodramatic, seeking attention, and pessimistic, or to drown in your own mind?

slumberdoll

i used to be able to sleep on and on and on like there is no tomorrow but then now all i wanna do is get out and feel the sunshine. well, not always, but habit of waking up for work (have to) automatically sets the body alarm alert at certain time limit. such a pity that we cannot actually accumulate our lack of sleep and replace it on a certain day and time and be awesome and restored back to health again. just saying.

yiktian, the man.

there he is, with his big big smile looking at the cake he already knew that was supposed to be a surprise and the waitress just HAD to ask right smack in front of everybody even after being told to serve after food clearance. pfft. that cake, is another disaster for the night which, i quote macam plaster ! laugh out loud.

so, anyways, it was a good dinner of a good beginning. im so glad everything worked out and things were not awkward at all. it was a waste of time sweating over the little stuff all the time, i figured. next time it would be done with spontaneous flair. everybody's happy, that's the most inportant thing. others can come later.

happy birthday, darling!

-- here's to many many many more happy celebrations to come! xoxo

the day mommy comes home

...the day when there is a lot of goodies and story-telling and everything that mommies do!

excited, and happy. the fact that there will be another person in the house and i could leave them alone and not have to face grumpy dad all by myself. pfft.

peace, amidst the usual nags and all.

but it is worth it.

manic monday

well, right now being mad at two very significant men in my life is utterly exhausting. but i couldnt help it. it made me mad just to start to think about how they actually mess up my mind and body and life, overall! one man, is a lot. two, or more, is too much! hmmph!

on another note, have just completely got back A-okay together with one bff slash girlfriend slash sister and another cold war came up - out of nowhere, in the office! right after that got fixed, all hell breaks loose and im off on a rollercoaster ride that completely overwhelms the emotional frontage. then i made the mistake of not being in control of this overused mind which led me straight onto a downwards spiral from a very loving weekend with the boy. for now, i have almost close to zero clue of what i would do next. might just work my ass off (no, i have to since work is pushing me to the limits like a full powered train coming right towards me). we have to believe that bad things attracts negativity and there you go, my life in the past week wasnt exactly a life worth living. lol.

i have no clue what is actually going through my mind right now. i hate having expectations and then things not turning out the way i hoped they would. im literally going crazy. yes, thank you, for calling me crazy when im about to be thrown on that bandwagon.


p.s. // this is a completely pointless post, i just felt the need to share&vent about how much of a mess i am that i even care about any of this stuff.

stern voice. pfft.

learn to let go.

how does one avoid loss in the first place? contrary to popular belief, it is not attachment that causes loss - attachment feels fine. it is detachment that hurts. learn to let go.

some suggest that to avoid loss, one should never be attached to anything. they give example of a hand in water; when the hand is removed from the water, the hand leaves no impression. these people say the reason the hand leaves no trace in the water is because the water is not attached to the hand.

everything, bad day - learn to let go.

bad people, learn to not care too much.

bad food or drinks, avoid.

all the things in between, just try.

comfy talk

today, of all days, i have been feeling a little bit more uncomfortable being myself. i thought of the story of my life, up till now - and close my eyes for a second. then i thought, there is just too much i need to do to get rid of this anxiety whether or not the world is coming to an end.

first off, it is the usual apologizing(s) - to those that i have wronged, in any way, that i have had misunderstandings with, those that i may have directly or indirectly caused sparks of indiscloseable irritance through my words, actions or thoughts, those cases of things unresolved and of things simply unknown of its salvations.

in the past, i have had been so many things. i brood good&evil in a lot of ways maybe unknown to even myself. there is just so much i would want to give, all of those in my thoughts that i most definitely know i could deliver and i did not. those are the things that sometimes propose certain discomfort from time to time, to myself. i could have done better - a sentence said by many but understood by few.

determined escape

it is a waste of space&time for me and the company that i am staying with neither of us doing each other any good. so i guess im gonna be giving way to the lot that is in waiting list to come in. well i guess it is time to just travel and go hey-ho like a pure lazy-ass for a bit. first stop - New York! wootz!

i am truly not in need to that meagre bling, neither do i need to face the wrong stares. staying on was a complete mistake holding on to barely there ego that i still think i possess.

ps : just a random rant. bad day. pfft.

without passion

i tend to overthink, overwrite, and perform all sorts of over(s).

just more, of late.

...and without much passion.

following changes

my thoughts tend to sound better in books i didnt write, and in the songs i didnt sing. even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way i feel. there is a double edge comfort in knowing that no one really knows.

my thoughts are hard to write out, or even share for that matter. in my head it all makes sense, but in my mouth, words refuse to form. it is very frustrating, and that is why i will always just smile. not mocking. just a smile and nothing more. im sorry that when im sad that i will smile. im sorry that when im upset i will still smile. i will just try my best to smile in the worst of situations. it is a whole lot easier than explaining everything or anything at all.

just so you know...

a smile, isnt always comforting or is bad-intentioned, but it is the best that i could do sometimes, better than to just make things worse.

tuesday plan!

now, now, the september plan was to surprise this little missy who gave me highs&lows on my own birthday. so she has got a similar but better (maybe) treatment from all of us friends (and her very loving bf) who sayang her.


the whole plan was really scary as all of us were really busy and schedule was tight. thank goodness everything did come together in the end. she was happy, we think. lol.

here, is what good friends did;

 the birthday girl, obviously!

the couple. part of the mastermind (boyfie of the birthday girl) and the celebrity of the day.

hmm, that day everything started pretty normal. presents were given by all of us like a normal weekday workday kinda birthday, in the office. no hanky-panky. then all throughout the day we were still trying to sort things out, hopeful that things will go smoothly as planned.

...and it did! sort of. teehee. i bet she thought it was a dinner only with her love, at this north indian restaurant we picked for the beautiful ambiance and decor. well, plus, being seated at a designated platform over-seeing the chefs making those whatdoyoucallitstuffonironsticks, gross but so naissssss.

so, anyways, happy birthday Cynthia!



cocoracha&cozmique

okay, am just so excited to blabber about my current gaming obsession;

so bear with me (again!)

so proud of having two very nice characters in dragon nest up to the highest level and is still improving the stats in less than a week. yea, that's the geeky me talking. met quite a number of very interesting and kind people who turns out to be really nice in real life, too!

i rush home from work every single day (as soon as i can get off from my pile of work, after sorting the urgencies, which to be finished and which could be postponed), just to get back to the game. consider my waking up and checks the game even before checking out my phone like i usually do (after pressing 'dismiss' on the phone, obviously), and practically drowns myself in the game the whole remaining week obsessive. i guess that the game helped, a lot, in passing time and not being emo about so many irregularities in this life, and to try not to think about the things i decided to not think anymore.

...and i think i even neglected putting my time online and thinking about this blog. well, if it is possible to have a storage of a million times more than the computer - my brain should be able to compromise to let me have fun while letting me keep my daily memories and thoughts for the longest possible time! : )

stay gold, die young

...am thinking far, but staying close to the things i hold dear to my heart. i can be myself here. i can tell the truth and never have to say, 'im fine.' i can talk freely about it, in my own words. about how even when i wake some mornings and i am content, i can still feel it tapping silently behind my heart. i know it is there, waiting for something, anything, the tiniest hiccup in my day to claw its way out and spread like cancer through the dark bits inside of me. it spreads from behind my heart, to my lungs - almost musical, it rushes to my head and then i am gone. rendered defenseless, helpless. people dont understand it. it is not an over-reaction. it is losing a battle in a long dark war. i know, ultimately i wont win this fight. i am already very tired, fighting an endless fight with the person within myself. i know someday it will take me, consume me. my heart will decide its time to stop pumping its poison through my veins. that will be the day that people know, once and for all that i wasnt as strong that they had thought.

staircase to heaven

actually, im just gonna say ignore my title. haha. im dealing with staircase in the design im assigned to now, so the title is something that i randomly thought of.


ohh, there are so many lives. how i wish i could live them concurrently, instead of one by one by one. i could select the best pieces of each, stringing them together like a strand of pearls. but i know that is not how it works. human life is a beautiful mess. i should learn to understand that mine too, is a beautiful tale.

new game, new flame.

i remember a friend once told me, he keeps grudges - and he does it passionately. he explained that once he love, he love hard. once he is offended, he goes all out with that hate, the hard way too. well, he has a lot of contradictory acts that i find not relevant to what he admit to being. well, anyways...

i guess this is where that perception differ. i am easily happy, and easily angry, but i dont dwell in it for too long, the latter. i get bored way too fast in draggy things. maybe from that, i find no meaning in being upset or storing hate for another person or thing for long. i get bored of being mad. yes, i think that is it. when boredom overcomes the madness of being pissed, it just sizzles into something unknown to me. i am just gonna leave that word, whatever word there is to describe this absurdity.

there is always gonna be a sense of shock and disbelief when you face something or someone that  has been so close to you before and when something happened (whatever it is, direct or indirectly) you totally zone out. that numbness, for me, is in resonance for some time - before i come to term with my body and brain that it is actually gonna be okay. it will be, and i will be glad that i dont know what is actually going on. the curiosity just halted to a stop, when your hearts feels that it is alright right pass an encounter.


i think you would gradually get over the pain of people coming in and out of your life. it doesnt go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with each passing day. one morning you wake up, and they are not the first thing on your mind. and then a few months down the line, you realize you have made it through half the day without thinking of them. sometimes it takes months, sometimes years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally.  you manage to do this because you dont see them, you dont hear about them, and you try not to think about them. but when you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name and the memories come flooding back. but memories also become less painful in time.


ps // im glad you have found somebody worthy of your abundant love. best wishes. sincerely.

million dollar dreams & federal nightmares

i did a quiz for fun, and these are the outcome. hmm...




Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.


The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.


Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.


The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.


Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.


The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.


How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.


What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.


Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.






...almost totally accurate, it is fun and comforting to know that some of it is actually in me. 

selamat hari raya

august's secret

some thoughts, on a beautiful august;


love is - that feeling that you cant describe in words. it is when you can care for someone so deeply, and yet hate them at the same time. when you spend your nights awake wondering why you are hurting, when you are the happiest you have ever been. longing for someone you think about every single day. for me love is something to be cherished, it is something that i see many overlook and take for granted every single day. love is something that everyone has the chance to experience, if they would allow themselves to. love is what you use to describe that indescribable feeling, love is what guides you to the light within your own soul.

a simple outing to the movie with love(s) is always a comfort in disguise. these are the people that remains constant in my life. hopefully till the end of my time on earth. 

one drink could lead to tens of different topics and events to talk about. we are women, of substance. lol. now, this is a friendship that goes beyond anger, happiness, grief, attitude, personality(ies) and all that. trust me, we have more magic in our pockets than master houdini himself. C: 

a memorable surprise party these people organized for me is just overwhelming. i couldnt feel more blessed to be showered with attention like this. family love, and then this. these people are so good that i didnt see it coming at all, or wait, maybe it was just me - dumb enough to have not realized the weird things all month long. what was i thinking, that laying low and having a mellow simple birthday this year seems to go smoothly, when i have all these extraordinary people in my life. xoxo this will definitely be a day to remember for life.

one half of the culprits. teehee. 

obviously, this darling made me cringe in embarrassment. yes, embarrassment for being fooled by the whole absurd plot the whole time. lol. i was almost completely mad at him for ditching me on our date, and made me go all open-mouthed at the sudden change of plans i almost teared up feeling upset. but before i could reach home and hug a pillow and bawl, he makes things better again. just like that. sigh. this love-hate relationship i can never know how to handle. always on the verge of screaming and laughing! pfft. this, wraps up my birthday - month. 

life at 24

well, i guess age is catching up but not not letting it catch us is the key to being alive. 26th August is just like any other ordinary day, this year. i wake up, go to work, meet people, come back to love&home, and that is about it - on a typical weekday. thank you, love, for always putting a smile on my face at the right times. family love, too. always, never-ending and never-ever changing. a day i could call my own, once a year, till the day i breathe my last.

plesantries

im a self-proclaimed sentimental blogger who loves day dreaming, something close to having delusional disorder. she is probably living in her own fantasies but do not worry, she blogs about her reality.

if i were your girlfriend, we would go on woodland adventures and run along the beach and sneak into movies and i would mess up your hair and bite your nose and sing you strings of stupid songs and write poetry on your back and dedicate a dinosaur to you, etc.

that's about it.

yesterday's breeze

people think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that is what everyone wants. but i think a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. maybe? probably.

a true soul mate is probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. but to live with a soul mate forever? nah. too painful, dont you think? soul mate(s), they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

a soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…or perhaps go back to what you know is most important to you.

...and we move like lovers, darling. let me run my fingers down your side and kiss you right below the eye.

sparkles&shine

note to self: when someone walks out of your life, let them. then, what you make of yourself and your future is no longer tied to them. once, it is chance. twice, it is fate.

so, yea. im just going to suck it up.

images taken from tumblr

unreliable is a word that is enough to explain all.

round&round

browsing through roxy&quicksilver items at their outlet in town today, seeing familiar watches designs i thought of a person so awfully close, but yet is so far. it struck me silly, how somebody who is so alike you becomes such distant creature, point blank. whatever happens, whatever that comes out of innocent mouth&mind doesn't compare to what that person did right out of impulse. it becomes irreversible and alters the whole situation to a point of no return.

yea. gotta sleep on this. see what is there for me afterwards. there has got to be something other than these useless stuff that bugs me.




ps: i am not really looking forward to this friday. it somewhat repels happiness off of me. there used to be a lot on my list, that i wanted and am fond of the list that i had made just a little earlier this year. but it all changed and now i just dont seem to have it all composed anymore. friday is just like any other day i suppose. we will all wake up and not think a thing of the world, seeing only what the world has to offer.

superficial

you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you, and then you meet one person and your life has changed. forever. // jamie randal - love & the other drugs.

so, but that said, everything else is superficial. well, other than that of the normal things that we talk about on a daily basis. blood is thicker than water, friendship is forever, those kinda things. sometimes, i hate that i take things too seriously. and it happened before that because of that very trait i have (i was said to have), i was laughed at - a lot. but then again, the littlest thing annoys me. anything as much as caught my attention i could be walking on tip toe all day being all giddy and anxious and messed up and all that mixed up. it wasnt good. not good at all. it is bad. pure evil, for me. i hate that i pay so much attention to the things that i should not. i might not have had to overcome any fear or anxiety or nightmares coming right back at me over the time if it was not for these curiosity that sparked over things that i might or might not know, should not have been known, supposedly not to be known at all.

there might be some truth in that. all of that. although there isnt anything worth repeating. i just love repeating as it strengthens my nonexistent points.

the point is, i should have ignored irrelevant things. shouldnt i have?

blue black

it has been a while, since i could hold my breath and just feel the past screened through my mind. this time, it has gone by in a brief forever. i am not sure of how i could say it that way, but i have had a glimpse of everything, and i just thought hell, so much happened in such a short life of mine. looking back, i could laugh at a lot of things as well as cringe in pain just thinking about the dumbest things that i have performed. it doesnt amuse me at all, but in a way i have seen myself growing up. from the littlest bit, to the very core of what i am showing in every little thing that i do now. maybe it isnt so much that i reach the sky, or shine the brightest. but what i represent today, somewhat reflect things that i chose to be, to do, to have to become myself. somebody i would have had no idea of, ten years back. there would have been nothing to be compared to what changed me over the years. hallucination doesnt work this way, so im not classified as having an insanity-fix nor that having coke-fix made me talk nonsense every now and then. i guess having limited vocabulary contributes to me writing almost-the-same things time over time. sigh.

i have worked hard and been through many experiences to be the person i am today and when people compliment that, compliment my personality, it means so much more. in a society obsessed with trying to look perfect, i just wish people would appreciate personality more. personality is so underrated. concentrate on being open-minded, accepting, humorous, caring, kind, unselfish, interesting and find someone that appreciates that. i am sick of people only thinking about attractive-ness, i am so much more than that. i can say that, because i believe beauty is not just skin deep.

sunny saturday

woke up to very comforting feeling of just having the weekend re-inventing a whole new idea of the future. sounds very ambitious and great, dont it. it is just words, now, though. everytime i start something, it goes on full speed and then slowly de-celerates. i dont know why, it just happens, even with full enthusiasm. but normallyyy it gets done. just not straight away sometimes.

take for example when i feel so inspired to re-arrange my room, or maybe my closet space - only, my parents would also be a tad more excited that i am starting something and will keep busy for a while before i bug them that i am bored of having nothing to do when i run out of novels to read or is already bored of staying online for too long. my dogs are my constant mood-lifters, but they get a little too carried away and attached sometimes i feel like i am not giving enough attention anymore when i work late and wakes up late. time is obviously a luxury now that everything evolves around work, getting enough rest and lifestyle. these complains shoved aside, i have always been fond of making lists of things i could or should do. it always makes me occupied and feel like i have so much to accomplish and be done with to think less of nonsense that im always pre-occupied with and drives me crazy at times.

will update this post, it there is interesting things that i did because i wanted to rather than making myself busy with things to do. xoxo

boomerang

this is the only way of saying things right now. just this post, i guess.

it would be so nice to go on a late night drive with someone and just listen to awesome music with the windows down and sing as fucking loud as we can and then stop somewhere and just sit and talk. why do people suck so much? where is all the chill people at? where is all the people that actually like having conversations and shit? everyone is so fucking wrapped up in their own little worlds with their own superficial bullshit. no one talks to each other anymore, no one genuinely cares for one another, no one gives a fuck and it is just heartbreaking to me that the world is like that and you only are able to meet someone genuine literally once every blue moon, is that really what anyone has to look forward to? we are only able to make a connection when the time is right, we are only able to make connections on rare occasions because people are so fucked up these days that no one has any sort of real compassion anymore, i honestly think that no one really wants to relate to one another and that everyone really would rather just be cold fucked up individuals than to just learn to be kind. It really sucks, i feel bad for humanity honestly.

resonance

unless you love someone, nothing else makes sense. // e.e. cummings

currently deciding between the creative writing and journalism strand on a write up. not that i have to choose now, but i enjoy paranoia i guess, at times. i will always remember that no matter how fragmented our lives become, the pieces that compose us will fit snugly together once again.

it is hard to believe how much things had changed in a year. last year, things were completely different. i was completely different. how about you?

unspeakable

fuck this i am going to stop running from everything and actually settle the fuck down and be happy with myself. this has gotta be the good life. period.

i will begin this symbolic journey by finishing arranging my room and changing hair color back to their originals, most probably. or just cut it the way i thought i had wanted to. well, maybe not. i havent had the way to face how it reminds me of awful conversations that led me into thinking of cutting it shoulder-length before. hmm.

i have been good. i have been bad, mean, whatever you call it. i have been to a stage where my physician persuades me to make an appointment to a psychiatrist. well, not that i am a psycho lunatic or what but i guess it has come to a point where i began to worry even strangers - a condition i dont even see in myself and i dont even know how to begin to understand. i can act all counselor-ish to loved ones, but i dont get to do that for myself. that is the sucky part where i just have to suck it all up, and expect miracles.

i have come to terms with people switching sides, changing values, not living up to what they vowed to have lived, which i am guilty of some parts too. everybody makes mistakes, but not everybody has the right mindset all the time, including myself. i have seen friends of friends betray one another knowing well what they are doing actually ruins the very best things in their lives. the reason isnt always about circumstances. it is about values upon which you base your actions on. there is always reasons for everything, no matter what. i am glad that you have found reasons for doing what you do. perhaps it serves the best purpose. taking chances, it could be the best thing in your life. i still miss a lot of things that was supposed to be mine that i have not had the privilege of having, up till now, but i never regret a moment of before - i know it was all worth it. at the very least, i know that it was real and true and it had been some of the best times of my life.

things i think about, will still remain unspeakable. there isnt a single sentence that could describe all these i bottle up inside. but as cliche as it possibly could sound, someday you'll know...

in between dreams

my second hand post, in the same week. hmm....

my dear,

holding hands may seem like an innocent gesture, but they show more than a simple interlocking of fingers. your hands are one of the most essential parts of your body: you build with them, feed with them, hold with them, touch with them, fight with them; they are the tools of the human body. to take a hold of another’s hand is to break from living individually. it is to link yourself to another being, to momentarily entwine your life with another’s, to promise, for a moment, that you need not face the world alone. more simple, more aesthetically naive than other forms of affection, i.e kissing, hugging, sexing, the act of holding hands is often trivialized in its true implications. as the Beatles once said: all i want to do is hold your hand.

im glad i have yours to hold, and you to hold mine. forever.

brushfire fairytales

i figured i shouldnt let letdowns stop me from just expressing, shouldnt constraint myself of my own peace of mind. it will fade, someday, these agony. all good things are wild and free.

maybe that is what it all comes down to love, not as a surge of passion - but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. and maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, even facing disappointments over and over again. these says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.

i try to find something to love in everybody. not a saint, but this should make me feel better about myself and everything else...

alessa

i decided to not write here anymore.

that's all.

sometimes i just dont understand, im sitting here at my computer when i should be trying to make things better. but i just dont want to try, i would rather stay here believing my own lies.

i can write billions of quotes and thousands of poems. i can talk about my feelings and share my pain. but how many people will ever be able to understand what im going through? i quit this childish game. i will even take the blame. but i wont cry anymore. im walking out the door. you may hate me, but at least i dont lie saying i want something and then change overnight. there should always be a reason, and proper closure for everything. i had always said i wanted what i wanted even when im weak sometimes, how about you?

cue ending music.

have you?

have you ever wondered how can two hands fit so perfectly? every line, every bone, every small detail flawlessly matched. i have. i wonder everyday how holding your hand would make me feel complete. i dont think you have ever noticed, but late at night when we walk down the streets i would secretly sneak my hand next to yours, so they can accidentally meet as we speak. and i would always hope that you would take it and hold it in yours, so we could see life hand in hand. and tonight you did. you held my hand in the softest of ways, our fingers clinging gently to each others heart. we were growing happiness between our thumbs as our skin lines came together like jigsaw pieces. you looked at me and smiled with that crooked smile of yours which makes you so special to me. i smiled back, and put my head on your shoulder. have you ever wondered why we wall fall in love? i have. i wonder everyday.

having memories might as well be the most painful experience. why? maybe i just havent realize how well i could be without all those trouble that i dragged on myself along the way. have you?

pink & purple

i did not want to wake up. i was having a much better time asleep. and that is really sad. it was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you are so relieved. i woke up into a nightmare.

dear you,

you’re amazing, you know that? you see me breaking, falling apart, so full of hatred, and yet you love me. you see me crying, you see me weak and yet, you still stay. i do not know how you can love me, but whatever it is, i hope it does not go away.

sincerely , me.

long time dream

to examine one's heart is to forage into a forest of un-certain things. today i examined my own heart and saw clutters. dresses, clothe hangers, salty tears, beauty pamphlets, pens, newspapers, hidden laughter, secret notes, etc. why, i said to myself, what an untidy human i am leaving pieces of me lying around. scars, signs, this and thats.

heart is one of the loneliest organs, given the reason to it. however, i am not certain if it comes before or after the skin.

do you know what it is like to want something so badly, but not get it in the end? i do. it starts out as a small feeling, something im almost embarrassed to admit i want. then, as time passes, i think of how my life could be better if i just had that thing, that whatever thing that im looking for. then i realize how much of myself i have invested in that dream or idea or person. and then comes the hardest part, the disappointment. maybe i didnt want it bad enough, or maybe disappointment that of the past that had left the heart wanting too much, or just a wanting but never getting.

well, that is just it. a short story.

fluorescent daylight

the world rotates anyway even if i stand still. still, day in day out things are never gonna stop moving forward. there is no point of me sulking when people just take me for granted sometimes. i would always just stop and close my eyes for a moment or two, and open them again hoping what i see will make me smile the next time around. getting a ticket, or even a random stupid note on my windscreen proves to be some kind of relief too, knowing that somebody - a stranger takes note of my existence.

i am sick and tired of wasting time at work. i think i lost my mojo the day he talked to me like i didnt matter at all. seriously, wtf? i come to work to pass time, and that is exactly what i am going to do, pass time. sometimes it makes me think, that educated and higher ranked people are actually much more barbaric in speech and thinking. they had lost the basics, where people connects through heart and feelings. they see black and white, only. they, actually refer to only a person or two. but never mind, let me just rant my heart out for another line or two and i would leave this to rest. i am very disturbed by the fact that i am sometimes treated like a non-existent worthless nobody. why should i stay, i would ask myself. but then again, why shouldnt i? leaving just lets them make more cruel assumption that i am letting it all happen and not doing anything, but not leaving, i guess, wont prove anything as well. for the impression has been made, and people dont usually change their mind over a short amount of time. screw it, im not gonna stay for another ten fucking years waiting for an idiotic realization that it all was a misunderstanding.

i do now, what i know, for a living. but it doesnt define my whole life. this, i am sure.

the sun is there everyday, just freakin shine the same way, the same direction, the same time. but it does more than that. we all know, good and bad, it does more than fucking shining.

happy tuesday! xoxo

dashboard note

i try not to use someone's past against them. it is just going to remind them the mistakes they made back then, like i have myself, too. if we watch their facial expressions carefully, we can see the hurt in their eyes as they reminisce everything that happened. i too, cannot turn back time to correct my own mistakes back in time, they too. i try to never use emotion as a weapon, which normally is the easiest for everybody else. it strikes deeper than anything. i felt it. i knew. so i try not to.

i try hard. so dont judge.

i have a past. you have yours. my past is no better than you, no.

misjudged & misunderstood

recently i have turned into kind of an introvert, dealing with my house chores, clearing up my car, clearing up my room, mix-and-matching my wardrobe, and doing endless internet-surfing. i find it fascinating how i feel more peaceful accepting all these once in a while and just not rushing anything at all. being the forgetful person that i am, i think whatever that i left out doing from my to-do-list, i continue the next time im awake. maybe this is a sort of therapy. my way of re-conditioning my out-of-order-life. sigh.

as they say,

art washes from the soul the dust of everyday life.

have you ever wondered about the things we tell ourselves before we fall asleep? we whisper the words in the dark telling ourselves that we are happy, or that the other person is happy, that people will change their minds over bad events throughout the day. we persuade ourselves that we can live without the people who have left. each night before i fall asleep, i lie to myself in desperate hope that comes morning - mine will be a bright welcoming one, that i may recreate something happy that all good wishes would come true.

it is that part of us, sometimes, that lets us be able to sleep when the days were particularly hard and giving us hope to wait for a better tomorrow.

relief

i think i know you too well, even the things that you will do or say. even now. i expect you to lie through your teeth, even if it is a good lie, to give me this kinda relief. like what happened on April's fool. you got me. right on. but you broke all my good faith in you, if that is okay with you i guess there is no point of thinking you were true at all. im glad i made my decision and i wish you well. i am not gonna appear weak or anything, and i will not ask for help or go back to the old ways when im down. i will move on as you taught me to, be cruel in order to be kind. now i see how that comes handy when it really helps, in the whole new perspective that i am looking at.

just when we think we figured things out, the universe throws us a curveball. so, we have to improvise. we find happiness in unexpected places. we find ourselves back to the things that matters most. the universe is funny that way. sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong. maybe this is my wake-up call, the real one, showing me that i am right about the option not being worth it because now - i understand why. sometimes, unconsciously, when you are skeptical about things the whole time and hesitating since the beginning, you are actually right because your heart is actually making the right decision for you that you dont actually see just yet. in the end, it might be the best thing ever, even if it hurts like hell. (if hell is ever to be felt, this is it, in a way.)

now, i see. clearly, words are just words. in the end, what matters most is just the things you see. that is, just it.

f-ungry

i wonder if mood really alters your food consumption rates, or metabolism. i eat like baa-zillion meals and i still crave for food. i think it is true that there is second phase of growth in everyone. well, mine isnt critical to the point of binge eating or over-eating. it is just lots of munching and munching more here and here. it changes from time to time what i consume. mostly still a variety of food and in moderation. hopefully this doesnt change into anything bad anytime in the future. no. please.

lol. that was the inner me talking. so yea, middle of the night, f-ungry, talking to myself, in the end i search the refrigerator and found myself very delicious dark chocolate biscuits that has been hiding the past week that i have left un-loved. finished it.

the end.