expectations vs reality

once, for quite a long time i had had the privilege of having personalized wake-up calls from a very special person. i tend to snooze by falling back to sleep even after picking up, or i would procrastinate waking-up until whenever that is i could drag my lazy ass up. at times i would even mumble harsh words, i think, to that person and he would say okay, okay, fifteen more minutes. sometimes, even after countless times of calls and that person simply fail to wake me up through phone calls, i simply woke up abruptly and find myself panicking while frantically pressing my phone for the time and at the same time thinking what should i do next to rush for work. obviously, i am still late. very.

i reminisce on these and thought, darn, i was such a bitch for being so difficult to him on the phone. but work over sleep, it will definitely be the snooze button- anytime!

i will try not to mumble so much now, if anybody calls when im asleep. or maybe i shouldnt pick up the phone at all, so i wouldnt embarrass myself by speaking nonsensical blurs from nowhere. i try. even if it is a call to wake up and drive in the wee hours, to sleep again.


i miss.

friday the fifth

i am gonna bleed to death, almost literally. hmm. naturally, friday comes as a happy day for me due to it being the beginning to the weekend that spells rest and free time. but this day, today, i find nothing compels me towards the weekend. it is like i have lost direction of where to rest my head&heart.

anyways, today i watched a Hongkong film titled love is the only answer. i was utterly depressed from the beginning till the end of this film. i couldnt bear to finish a film, for the first time ever, but managed to watch how it ended. i think it is a truly meaningful movie as it really happens in real life, some we see, some hidden under the rugs of the many two-faced lives. it is worth a watch, or two. i think the ending is a tad too mean and inconsiderate for my taste, but in a movie, it is bound to be exaggerated. maybe in real life, it is even more dramatic and even meaner. sigh. the fact that brought me to endless tear the whole time, i think i could relate to the heroine of the movie in a lot of ways, maybe not directly, but in a lot of similar situations and decision-making - a lot of rights&wrongs, a lot of confusions, a lot of contradictions.

i want a hug

...a long one, like we used to. i had wanted a lot of things, but i guess wanting doesnt mean ultimately getting it. i think i can never have too much sky. i can fall asleep and wake up drunk on sky, and the sky can keep me safe when i am sad. here, there is too much sadness and not enough sky. that is the problem. that is my problem, actually.

when someone hug you, let them be the first to let go. // h. jackson brown jr.

ps: anything sweet, really sweet, that i have or have done was nothing that i planned. i feel the need to express this, as there should be so much more that a person is capable of doing and being. despite all these, i still need a hug. a long one.

today is tomorrow's yesterday

i feel so weird waking up to the same day of everyday making it different. i find it very frustrating when sometimes it is just you, instead of everybody around you moving by the same principle. not that i wanted everybody to be alike or the same in every way, but have you ever thought of yourself waking up, feeling all alone even though you are actually surrounded by people - who loves you or not? people who loves you will always remain constant in your life, whereas who dislikes you will also be there to see you fail, so on so forth.

i still think of certain things that happened in the past, like it has just happened yesterday. it feels too close, but too far to hold on to. that said, it is still attached to the heart and just remain with you like it never left...

fragments of a whole

there is this one friend of mine that uses the word wifey a little too easy. wifey sounds too ordinary now that i see loads more of where that word is used. well, then again i am in no place to judge that as we all have our very own limits to what is exclusive and what is normal.

i miss you

today i realized a lot of things, actually i have always realized these - in you. you are a very strong man, a very focused person. i have always thought you were dependable, and you most certainly can go far if you would try. i fight for a lot of things, and after a while i think to myself there is no point fighting over certain things sometimes. that is when the saying if it is meant to be, it will be comes in. there is chemistry in having what we have, no matter how much - nobody can deny that. we will still stare at the same stars, the same sky, walk under the same sun.

bigbig hug and thought-loads full of love over to you. always, my home.

ps: i dont know if the home offer will still be valid, but the home that i have in my heart lasts forever and a day more!

vanity

we had a company photo shoot at a photography's studio with all three directors and almost everybody from the office on the saturday of 23rd June. everybody had hell load of fun arranging and re-arranging the set, posing and poking playfully at each other, being happy just smiling all the time. it was a totally different environment, than that of at the office. not that colleagues were un-happy people at the workplace, but the mood partially shifted from being workaholic(s) to a very dynamic and interesting bunch.

well, the studio version of the pictures taken werent available just yet, but these are some pictures taken from phone here and there. a glimpse of the people and set, for you and me. xoxo

these two girls - sarah in grey, and adrina in red, are two of the best colleagues a girls could ever ask for (: yes. beautiful girls, both blissfully taken though...

the directors, getting ready with their sharp suits and sleek stuff.
all prepped up, only waiting for the shoot. teehee.

ignore the candid pose of my boss's daughter accidentally caught in a very awkward position behind me. this photo was taken during 'the wait' for our part of the photo shoot.

all raw&non-edited.

i cant wait for the end-result from the photographer! (: so, please bear with my giddiness...

garnet&diamonds

...and i promise you i will hold your hand back. i will sit back and enjoy it. i will laugh at lightning. i will giggle at thunder. i will drink raindrops. i will lean into the wind. i will see the sun come out. and one day, i will cry for a storm that’s passed, never to come again.

i wrote this for you, the physics in the air.

freefall

i feel like im waiting for something, that i know in the back of my mind it might not happen. i just cant make myself let you go, i have gotten so attached and i have set my expectations and hopes too high.

sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. you have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. what’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. at times, people need to fight for you. if they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and not lose something real. always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.

cinnamon wishlist

i will always miss you, even though we werent right for each other. i would tell you everything that i have been feeling, but i know it wont make any difference.

sometimes you just cant tell someone how you feel. not just because you dont trust them or because you think they will call you a freak, but because you can never really find the right words to make them understand. it makes you frustrated. people take things 100 different ways, and that is why it is so hard. but if what you are trying to say is meant to be said it will find a way to be understood. actually.

there is a point in your life when you know who stays forever, and who is just around for a while. people change, but so do you. sometimes for the best, and sometimes for the worst. bad things happen to everyone, you are not in it alone. people lie, and some people just dont care how you feel. your heart beats, no matter how much pain you are in. everything will be okay eventually. there are always people in your life that just make your day, no matter the miles. i know about distance, i have been dealing with it all my life, dont tell me it is easy, because it is not. but it’s worth it. i would rather keep in touch with the people i love, than just drop it and forget about it. you dont forget the ones you love. it doesnt work like that.

2years, 3weeks.

...because to you, we are already married and we stick like a glue. that's it. i dont know how you do it, but i find it pretty hard to catch up with your pace sometimes, really.

some things dont last forever, but some things do. like a good song, or a good book, or a good memory you can take out and unfold in your darkest times, pressing down on the corners and peering in close, hoping you still recognize the person you see there.

there is a saying that goes : if you fight like a married couple, talk like bestfriends, flirt like first love, protect each other like brother and sister, it is meant to be! let us cross fingers that all these actually meant the real deal, or else, the things that i have left behind and let go of will forever and ever haunt me in dreams&reality.

make damn sure

i am very very very blur as to what is ahead of me. i am actually living the one day at a time philosophy, again. i know i should not just let life pass me by like that and not do anything about it, but at this very moment i am better of like that.

there it goes again. that heavy feeling in my chest when i dont feel any desire to speak or move. all i want to do is close my eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. i attempt my best to make my days fulfilling, but no matter how hard i try i cant seem to connect to anyone or anything. now. just, now.

dancing dreams

im mad at you, and im madly in love with you. ridiculous, i know. but i cant explain what you do to me.

in the space between yes and no, there is a lifetime. it is the difference between the path you walk and the one you leave behind; it is the gap between who you thought you could be and who you really are; it is the legroom for the lies you will tell yourself in the future. // jodi picoult

memory tapes

everyday we pass by strangers we meet eyes with, with minutes we would take back to get one more look, and sparks that fly quickly with one swift touch - that all too soon disappear as the train door closes, as the car pulls away, as we turn the street corner, leaving us waiting on the other side wondering what could have happened if we just simply said, 'hi'.

darling, every so often, some little things you say or do completely overwhelms me and i remember why i completely adore you despite everything else.

a weekend at tip of borneo music fest. the very few picture says it all. magical sunset, musical breeze, and lots of quiet time just having random joyrides - borneo style.

like a chandelier

746days of being together, day in - and - day out. on a bad day, i wont cry. i'd just say fuck you and smile. i realized that it takes so much more to work on a relationship. having love just aint enough. it takes courage, patience (loads of 'em), tolerance, tear&sweat, lots of kleenex, loads&loads of luck and the rest of what you can possibly endure in a lifetime to make it through. seriously? yea, i ask myself that from time to time, whether it is worth it. i still dont know. i am still finding out. i lost and gained a lot of different things along the way, but i guess it is okay. things and people that are meant to stay, will stay, no matter what. those that i lost, will be, sooner or later. life goes on.

barefoot blue jean night

dearest soulmate,

we were unspoken whispers, pocketed secrets, subtle expressive faces, shooting stars unseen, unwritten lovesick phrases, and everything we could hide between. we were things that only we ever knew, things that no one else understood.

perhaps you and i are just characters from two different chapters of the same book, bound by the spines of our backs, eagerly awaiting to meet on the very last page of a novel you never want to end.

fremitus

okay. i admit, im done with having my me-time.

you never know which side of the bed you will wake up to. there is always good and bad days, no matter what you do. it is frustrating. it is scary. one day someone will break your heart again and you will want to die, or never wanna grow attached to anyone ever again. it is the worst. you will get over it, even though for a while you will be sure you wont, or cant. lottery winners and people who lose their limbs return for the most part to their previous attitude towards life six months after each event. you will need to stop feeling sorry for yourself at some point. saying things like if i had that, or if i looked like him/her, what ifs... it is all false perceptions. we all wish we could change something about ourselves. no matter who you are, you are bound to still feel boring, unattractive, awkward, like everyone is looking at you differently. we have everything we need to be happy, to be loved. we cant change ourselves, literally, we can improvise and embrace the fact that it might be hard but you are you, and you are one of a kind. life is full of bruises and stabbings but it really is beautiful sometimes.

iridescence

dont you hate it when you are dreaming about someone you really want to see and the dream you are having feels so real. until you wake up, you are like. darn, it was just a dream.. then you start getting this sad feeling inside and you feel like tearing up because it felt like it happened in reality. but really, it was just a dream. and you cannot help but think about the dream over and over again. which makes you break down.

starbucksandchanelbags

guide of how to have a better day, today's list, my way;

make lists, eat, laugh, think, dont think too much, drink tea, dance freely, make new friends, accomplish something, watch a movie, or something online or on tv - wherever, spray paint something tomorrow, go crazy with roxy&whisky, doodle - even if i dont feel like it.

ps: before i pass on, i wanna make somebody happy. not just smile, but legit happy. be that one person who makes their life complete.

translation please

i find this amusing. thai movie. (:

risks

there are certain emotions in your body that not even your best friend can sympathize with, but you will find the right film or the right book, and it will understand you.// Björk

i think, someday everything will make perfect sense. so for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason.

but, having said that, i want to be happy with the simplicity of life. to stop wanting more...

game on!

in all honestly, relationships are not for everyone. some people are not made to be in one, some people are made to just do their thing and for some people, a relationship is just a natural thing. when people walk away from you, let them go. your destiny is never tied to anybody who leaves you, and it doesnt mean that they are bad people. it just means that their part in your story is over. this is what i make myself believe, all the time. it is good therapy, having breaks once in a while just listening to your own heartbeat and letting yourself feel whatever possible. then after all of that, tell yourself that everything is gonna be alright.

it is what you yourself feel that matters most in the end. and nobody could ever change that.

mental notes

being broken hearted is like having a broken pair of ribs. on the outside, it looks like nothing is wrong, but the truth is, every breath hurts. #justsaying

july f-lyy!

July. so so fast. i havent even had a proper june, this year, and it is July already! i could have just remained nonchalant to this rate of passing of time. pfft.

sometimes, when everything is quiet, i can be my own best friend. i could just brew myself hot hot tea, and get some papers and and pen. with that, i have my own conversations with my very own words. weird, i know i talk to myself, i write to myself, with myself, but that's the way i roll and chill.

of my love, i will miss everything, of every moment, of everyday, even if it is only seconds apart. that, you can be sure.

shout out oh ohh oohhh

shwayze love letter ft the cataracs dev

a reminder (:

the two-year mark

two-year rollercoaster ride. it has all come down to us, just us, listening to our hearts whether it is worth the long run...

no matter how much i have given or how much i have suffered, i will always have something left to give. i promise to you that. but...

i have come to a point of realization that i am so lack of my 'me time', that a time-out has to come into the picture. im sorry darling, i have been feeling bad for the longest time. this might just be the big roundabout for me to think things through. bear with me, please.

just keep moving forward and dont give a shit about what anybody thinks. do what you need to do, for you. // johnny depp

when things isnt as it seems

when the butterflies start to actually hurt. smiling so big your cheeks get sore. laughing so hard your stomach aches. this is the sweetest kind of pain. i guess i needed to be reminded that not all pain is bad. not all pain has to come with tears in your eyes. remember huney, you gave me all these (: i need you as much as you need me. always.

guess you should know.by me being silent doesnt mean discreet agreement; to the things you have done, whether its right or wrong. i have been through all sorts of obstacles in life, but none has dragged this long. it seems like a drama with 365 episodes; feels like it never ends, and it keeps going on and on, scene after scene,whether i would like it or not.

right now i feel like everything that i do is wrong. i cant do anything right, when i know i am still bugged up with all these emotional turmoil within. and whenever i think i made the right decision, i always end up hurting people. cherish every single moment you spend with the ones you love, because someday they will leave you and you will wish you had spent more time with them when you had the chance.

darling, you were the one person i didnt want to become a stranger in my life, and now it seems like as days go by, the more we become strangers to one another...just stating the obvious.

live by the sun, love by the moon.

before you, i was never this emotional. no one could make me cry so bad, and no one made me think so hard. but now the tears flow like rain from the saddest sky there is, and my frantic thoughts are tearing me apart. im not going to let it end this way. im done feeling sorry for myself, and im done being broken, and im done letting you make me feel like that at all. im going to make myself stronger,no matter how i have to do it, because these thoughts are enough to drive someone insane, and im not going to let that be me anymore. im taking a stand.

there might be rainbow after the rain, this time-out might be the best thing to ever happen. a step back from this scene might be the only thing i need to help me feel exactly what i want to have in my life in the future, what i would wanna bring forward along in my journey of further discovering my life.

i am gonna live my life. if it is meant to be, it will be. i should continue believing...

i know

...this is the right thing to do - that you had to do, and i would never blame you. i would only blame myself for not being good enough to myself, and to you. it can happen so fast, or a little bit late, timing is everything.

time is always a problem. too fast. too slow. too early. too late. a little late, and it changes your whole world.

you are the only one who actually knows me. i will think about the whole thing all over again. i dont know how long i would/could take. i dont know. well if im too late, then be it. a few days could be a hundred days, can be two days. who knows? a few days, it sounds simple, but is just as tricky as any other phrases/words in the english language.

you know me.

-end-

relevance

i stopped by to look in a couple of years now, and all the differences the contrast of whatever they call it, it is delicacy of human creation - finalized perfection. center of objection. sitting back and fucking up our sanity. calling up and back this human prodigy, we tell them stories endlessly. every single part of you is a part of me...

margarita wine

...among other things, you will find that you are not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. you are by no means alone on that score, you will be excited and stimulated to know. many, many people have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. you will learn from them - if you want to. just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. it is a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. and it isnt education. it is history. it is poetry. that's what i think.

and oh ya,

i like correcting your grammar. i like editing your letters and speeches. i like if we could have endless conversations about anything. i like how you walk me to my ride when we go home at night. i like going on adventures with you. i like how we are both incredibly crazy. i like hugging you that first time we see each other again after a really long time, every single time actually. i like just being next to you even if we dont say a single word to each other. i like leaning my head on your shoulder. i like being the only person who knows your secrets and plans in life. i like being me, with you...

在麻醉着自己。

i dont know why you said that, good or bad, but i do feel the sting. it has been three fucking days. three. there shouldnt be a single gap between communication. we shouldnt sleep without being nice to each other and saying sorry (sincerely) for whatever wrongs we have done, however small they are. but yes, here we are, speechless for three fucking days. not really, we exchanged words - on mobile text. for the record, i chose not to speak anymore. i chose not to succumb to the only magic words you have (same ones) over and over and over again - over text. the exact same ones i treasure so much to a point of no return, but you over-used them and turned them into a trap for me.

yes, a trap. a VERY visible trap that i let myself into.

i love you, i do! but it doesnt work this way, with us not functioning fully as a couple.

letter not to be sent

i excuse you from having to appear in my idea of you. your life is the epitome of mine, ever since you became my other half - the person i vowed to wanna spend my life with. (that, if it all happens like what is conceived by this imaginative mind) this is not my love; it happens to be just your life - in my head and heart. i love you as i do to the sunsets and the moonlights, more, obviously, wanting the moments to stay, but wanting nothing more than the feeling of possessing the moment.

today is a brand new day x

i constantly feel like im missing out on everything. like everything is happening somewhere else. like im not living life to the fullest. the problem is i never do EVERYthing i can to change it. i do my part, and think a lot of ways then in the end i just sit here and write about it. i sit here and write while somewhere over the rainbow amazing things are happening. amazing things that im missing out on. i need to change now because before i know it this will all be over. these lively years can only last for so long. im going to live for a while and then i am going to die, just like everybody else.

i might as well make the best of it and make memories for myself and my loved ones rather than sulking about it and then making myself more miserable when i think back from wherever that is that i go to after i die. it is my life afterall. i am the one who moves and when im ready to change i will. then again, maybe i shouldnt wait until i am ready. i dont think anybody is actually ready for change, we just kinda accept them. i doubt anybody ever really is. the time is now. if it is a sign i have been waiting for, here it is. everything will turn out okay. i just know it.

insufferable

once we truly love a person, is it stupid to stay in love with him even after he broke our heart? is it possible to still love unconditionally like before? i feel like my love for him never will fade away, but i am pretty much almost giving up hope on ever feeling happy again. maybe, my love for him will never fade away, especially if this relationship we shared once took me on the ride of my life. but this love will change. it will not be the same kind of love, where everything he says matters, where his single action can send you on a roller coaster, where you care infinitely for him. eventually, the love you have for him will be a nostalgic love, a kind of habit you cling onto simply because it was a big part of you. and the proper love, the kind of love that really matters, will be given to someone else who truly cares.

i dont want it to change, but me wanting it alone isnt gonna make things stay as it is or become better.

marriage, for me.

unfortunately, marriage today is not how marriage used to be; people get married for all the wrong reasons nowadays. over the years, marriage has lost it’s sacredness. couples get divorced left and right, and re-marry within a blink of an eye. it is quite sad. as for myself, i think marriage is the most important thing someone could do with their life. marriage is more than a fancy wedding, and having a husband or a wife. it is about finding that someone who you cannot imagine living without, and about loving them so much, that the only thing left to do is make them apart of your family. it is not about marrying the doctor or the hunk or the millionaire like all of our families joke about. it is about marrying your best friend; the one person who you can count on, and who will never leave you. marriage is not something to rush into. i can only see myself getting married after finding the one that i love forever & a day! i have seen so many marriages between people who are in my social circle just crumble apart. i want to make sure that the man i kiss at the end of the isle will love me for always...

the alpha, pfft.

i refer to the commonly used term to describe things or person who has the most say or things in relation to decision-making and mindsets. all the details you can find only caught between syllables and breaths, sometimes. there he goes again...

i think we tend to complicate things when it is really quite simple; find what it is that makes you happy and who it is that makes you happy, and you are set. promise. i found it, but am still reluctant and unsure how to acknowledge the obvious truth that is right in front of me. all the trouble people go through in finding a soulmate, and i have gotten more than i bargained for and then i dont have the courage to barge on and collect my finding. epic fail, i guess. after all, so much for holding on to things i (maybe) shouldnt and letting things i deserve go by or hanging in oblivion. fuck society.

lesmokin

i dont need a nose-job or blonde hair because my sex-god boyfriend likes me just the way i am. // unknown.

lol i find this quote really amusing. unconditional love from awesome-ness. hah! how perfect is that?! love, you know what im talking about. thank you for always giving me unconditional support through my rains&storms. (: you are still&forever will be my home.

once before, i said, this one is different. he is honest, and he is sweet and he would not do anything to hurt me. but everything else showed that he is a guy. darling, this is for you and me, for the record - you were the one from the start, but we are just not heading to the same direction MOST of the time. this is just so awkward, being so in love but having these massive hiccups and doubts. you never knew you just shoved me aside, and with your own hands sending me away, darling.

you still give me the butterflies, but i dont think you know what you are doing to me - really.

read me a fairytale, please

so many people enter and leave your life! hundreds of thousands of people! you have to keep the door open so they can come in! but it also means you have to let them go! // jonathan safran foer

to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. it is not being completely unafraid. to me, fearless is having fears. fearless is having doubts. lots of them. to me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.

real life is a funny thing you know. in real life saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. so crucial, in fact that most of us start to hesitate for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. but lately what i have begun to fear more then that is letting the moment pass without saying anything. i think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying ‘i could have, but it is too late now.’ so there is a time for silence, and there is a time for waiting your turn. but if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you will know it. i dont think you should wait. i think you should speak now.

i hope i will be able to do just about everything that i say. i do.

you left me in the dark, in the shadow of your heart

you may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. but if she loves you now, what else matters? she’s not perfect, you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. she may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break her heart. so don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there. // bob marley

there were things i wanted to tell him. but i knew they would hurt him. so i buried them, and let them hurt me instead...

heart disease

i have got to learn how to let go of my these disturbing thoughts i bear in my heart that is literally eating me out. the way it bugs me throughout a night, and even at the start of a new day really irks the hell out of me. i have lost track of the times i need to crawl out from the dark caverns of my own mind.

sometimes im not good at meeting new people. they always want something. cigarettes, money, a booty call, drugs, whatever - i have nothing like that to offer these people. i have got skills but they are mine. i have got thoughts and dreams, but no one wants to know - for goodness sake. i have not got a microphone to cry into, nor the drama to report. i have not got a journal worth reading - not even a page worth saving, sometimes. i have nothing on my vest, no badge of honor on display. no trophy, no plate on my bedroom walls. no family trips to brag about. no selfish habit to feed upon. im not a fucking rodent. im not dependent on chemicals or pleasures. im not using anyone for anything. im not going to pay you to be my fucking friend. im just not like that. so suck it.

whisper secrets to me

i once fell in love with you, just because the sky turned from gray into blue.it has always been like a dream, going through dramas after dramas and yet, here we are still together no matter how hard things go. it is amusing, really, how we get became an item. it wasnt any kind of fairytale, and not anything lame at all. it just happened. how did you came into my life when you are not really in my life, boy? give me some answers...

i remember you telling me that my tears shouldnt fall easily for nonsense, and you are that nonsense - i presume?

i wanna try to be ignorant

...the end of an anchor.

we are girls,we get jealous, we hate that mother fucker who spams your facebook, we tend to assume things, our imaginations go wild. every second you take to reply, thousands of things goes through our heads ; we start assuming, and this is when we get insecure. but then.. we will try comfort ourselves, we will think back to our conversations and make our-self believe you aint that type of guy. so dont disappoint us..

no one is free. even the birds are chained to the skies. there are things that we dont want to think of, but we cant even forget.. that we dont want to continue, but we are afraid to end.

...just a piece of my distraught&illogical mind. it is so dangerous to stay in this mind. so many things can happen through imagination and over-thinking/assuming about EVERYthing!

the apple of my eye. the flutter in my heart.

we have one thing in common. we are crazy about each other. there goes all my ego and all my pride in knowing that i dont go ga-ga about people just like that. hmm. :p

my darling, you ):

we sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken. that was what happened to us, i suppose, being where we are - the state that we are in right now. sometimes it bugs me so bad that we arent speaking so much to each other, but sometimes i am reminded that this is actually something real. people dont talk or meet twentyfourseven. they live separate lives, breathing the same air. being a couple doesnt mean to have to be joined-in-the-hips. i could understand that as long as the heart is true and we have love&faith&trust, this could go far.

looking on the bright side

saying hello to goodbye isnt a bad thing anymore now. it might bring happiness, even. im a hopeless romantic. never wanted to admit it because i am never quite sure what that truly even means but i will always believe in love even if i didnt have a reason to. i would rather be like this because there is people out there that will go their entire lives unwilling to open their hearts to someone else or unwilling to allow someone to open their hearts to them and i could never be that way.

accepting true love is the hardest and scariest thing. im not sure what i would do without you in my life. thank you for making me believe true love really does exist. i do not want to make things sound anymore complicated than it already is, but i have got to be a lucky girl - amidst all these unfortunate events that happened all these while.

june2011

this month, is gonna be full of drama. i just know it. it has started with a bittersweet note, and continued on with a very not-promising-view of what is to come.

you can make me laugh, even when im crying - my dear. and im not sure what i would do, if life were to really hand me a lemon. i would probably just toss it aside as i dont feel like having it or anything with it for that matter.

you say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. you say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. you say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. this is why i am afraid, you say that you love me too. // william shakespeare

some days we will feel sad without knowing why. like we have lost something very precious but forgot what it was, or like you miss someone you have never met. there are times when i feel like opportunities seized to show up and/or is not realized anymore. there are more disappointments rather than encouragement, and repetition, rather than confirmation. it is really building up this wall i have been trying to break through all these while...

am i thinking to much?

...to love these things? ;

guys with shaggy/wavy hair

when guys makes effort to make me smile, no matter what

guys who smell nice

guys who actually listen

guys that are able to commit

when guys leave you cute texts

guys that dont ignore you

these, are some of the things that i dig in a guy. a guy doing/having these things makes me keeps him there in my mind, always.

well, life hasnt been easy for the past weeks. things doesnt happen overnight. but i turn around and a month has gone by and i realized i havent cried as much. not giving me an hour, a minute, or a second longer, i am busy getting stronger. by hook or by crook. yea.

untold stories

things you should never tell, ended up being more twisted not told then being openly discussed. sometimes it was never meant to be kept. it works best whichever way the truth wants itself to show up with. i am saying this, obviously based on my own experiences. faced my own fears, felt the pains, braved the tears, and crossed the barriers. i might not have done best in all, but i have proven to myself that many things happens even when you are thoroughly prepared for, and worrying doesnt make life any more easier to go through. boohoo.

i said many times before, like everybody else i want many things and i need many more things as well. and these wants&needs are cravings that i might or might not be able to fulfill. but at the same time, i am a simplistic, as well. i can live with bare necessity and make use or adapt to whatever resources i am able to get myself to reach. having said that, i guess i am quite an easy person to get along. i feel that people are so very complicated nowadays. people see things in layers rather than just everything else on the surface. sincere people are harder to be found. and a society that should be well meant to be vibrant and full of wonderful things to do and find is turning life harder to get by and making more and more miserable people.

what the hell is wrong? are we still alive, or just living our deaths from the start?

liplocks love-affair

i cant believe how lips could make me cling on to you for all that matters. the easiest thing for me to make myself believe is that it feeds my soul. somehow you fill this heart with joy that doesnt need explanation, and indescribable melody i could hum all day and night with the feeling that lingers for always, even after all the time that passed.

just one kiss, could do so much damage.

a kiss.

horrible weekend

...a worried-filled stay in the suburb, a near death experience - again, and a hug-less goodbye. sometimes i wish for far too much of everything to be better, but there isnt any harm in wishing - just plain hurt in the end. so, now i know why people say dont wish too much.

things change when i wake up

architecture is serene. quiet lines, stoic creations. something in the way his thumbs against white, blank, white. he asks me about the way i live. i ask him if it is possible to build a Parthenon atop a jagged cliff, the soil running before a foundation can ever be set.

i set my sight on a faraway dream that i dreamt of since i was a girl. it all came up to right what i have now, partially gone, partially still vaguely visible, but there is something - even the slightest hint of it exists, i feel that i am not as dead as i felt yet. and they say, if you can dream it, you can do it - right? i really hope so. i hope a lot, ya, i know. it has come to a point where i hope for everything more than engaging an action to pursue that direction that i wanted to be heading to.

things change when i wake up. i hope you are one thing that doesnt change. i hope. i hope so hard.

a lady never begs

if you never live for something, you will die for nothing. // joey elkins

breathe in, breathe out. throw yourself in the air and let it fly you to your dreams. well, i would love to do that but it is not possible unless i have the ability to literally fly. anyways, some people dream of their successes. some wakes up and works hard for their dreams. both can work, but whether it will last makes them all the more different.

you know what is the difference between men and women?

karma ):

i collect the words you say to me and wear them on a string around my neck, close to the pulse in my throat, the thump of my heart...

i want to put myself in your shoes and feel . i want you to put yourself in my shoes and walk a mile too. just so you know, darling, that this has always been a heart-to-heart affair.

for to be free is not merely to cast of one's chains, but to respect and enhances the freedom of others. // nelson mandela

when people say they believe in karma, normally they do things in their comfort zone and it is all about being safe and staying safe. this sometimes leads to suppressing our inner wants and needs just to stay in the norms. being open to possibilities, and giving yourself a breather sometimes lead to better emotional wellbeing.

one thing, always smile. (:

wander aimless

...an oral fixation to what's real.

i want to believe in it all again. music and art, fate and love. and i want to believe that i have made the right choices. and that i am on the right path and there is still time for me to fix the mistakes that i have made. and i guess i want hope.

happiness is only real when shared...

caffeine fix

for the first time (in a while), there isnt some place i would rather be, no vague notion of love or could be love attached at the end of every missing statement, or a grand encounter with possibility across my horizon.

i am not trying to bridge the gap between spaces or stretch the points on a map to give me new perspectives, counting miles on dashboards and saving ka-chings for tickets.

instead, i am just here - settled and settling - learning slowly how to build a home on stable grounds, an earth worth digging my roots into. this odd display of lights and movement no longer looking forward to the next chance to pack my bags, trying to remain and take comfort in the fact that i will continue to remain right where i am.

my heart skips a beat

...not because of joy or excitement, as the pursuit of happiness is too tough - for me.

...the ability to see beauty is the beginning of our moral sensibility. what we believe is beautiful, we will not wantonly destroy. // unknown

i dont know whether these thoughts would still be considered beautiful as i have more doubts than positivity nowadays. and he isnt helping at all by leaving me to continue thinking and staying this way alone. sometimes i wonder if i am actually seeking comfort more from my other half, or just having his existence as my other half - which doesnt serve as an actual comfort in a any way. i dont know if i have a priority to that anymore.

sugar rush

i wish i could put my thoughts in a jar and feed the hungry and poor. i think too much - but not necessarily things that bears any significance at all. thinking too much causes me to over think and analyze things i dont wanna deal with. it gets too much for me to handle and i panic. i shut myself down and go to war with myself. im tired. im sick of being tired. i dont like who i am, when i am thinking and couldnt solve something, but i have to live with it. i dont know what im doing at times. i am not fond of feeling upset. i believe nobody does. i want to be at peace with myself for all times. to be happy and think about things that doesnt send me over the edge.

fly

i heard somewhere that moving on to someone new is like moving to another country where you dont know the language - or anything much else beyond that. and it is scary, but you learn, as you did before, everything you can to make it work. you learn the way certain things move. you learn the underlying meaning in certain words. you learn the difference in the sounds that come alive during the day versus the night. you learn and learn and learn all that you need to learn. and it is like discovering a whole life you never knew about. and after awhile, you find that it isnt as hard as you thought it would be, especially when you end up falling in love unexpectedly. and when that happens, that’s when you will realize you will never want to be anywhere else but there.. with them. and suddenly it is the beginning all over again.

dear past,

...you are still searching for me in every other girl.

you wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is? i think it is waking up on a Monday morning with no complaints. it is knowing you always deserve to laugh. it is doing what feels right no matter what. it is doing what you want to, no matter how stupid you look. it is about being yourself, because nobody else can tell you that you are doing it wrong

jump&fall

courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.

there comes a point when you just love someone. not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. you just love them. it doesnt mean you’ll be together forever. it doesnt mean you wont hurt each other. it just mean you love them. sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. and you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it. // laurell k. hamilton

inside every woman's heart is a girl who dreams of a prince charming. maybe not the perfect one she imagined when she was a kid, but someone who can appreciate and love her for who she truly is and sweep her off her feet. // tere arigo

pleasant surprise

good luck for all you people trying to kick life in the ass, kill it!

i had a crazy time chasing things in a string of roundabouts. i swear, sometimes i think im just looking for things to get stressed/anxious about...

when everything is going well, i am plagued by this sense of impending doom, like im waiting for the next catastrophe; it is like, subconsciously, i think that if i spend time worrying about small, insignificant things, then that anxiety will be enough, and the universe wont give me anything worse to deal with.

...and then, when i thought i have lost every little battle within myself and letting it be - you come with this circle that promises me new hopes.

tell me what to do...

foreword / epilogue?

my love, if you are going to fall in love with me, it is only fair that you know what you are falling in love with...

you are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me (at times). you are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy (when the hormones come attacking). sometimes im horrible at keeping in touch with people; i would forget to call, to text. i change my mind way too much, i cant settle. you fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how im a hopeless romantic at heart. if you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-love-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever understand me as a person.

but, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when im with you, the way i will text you in random just telling you i hope you had a great day. you are falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things i say, and the way i blush when people ask me about you. but to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

...and we are in love from the beginning. thank god.

electric rush

...everytime i see you.

unknowing of what may happen, i will be honest. i will love with all my heart. (despite the bruises or scattered fragments) i will challenge myself. (and humanity as well) i will get to know the way my skin curves around my bones. i will learn to walk away, and what i deserve. (and dont) i will learn the way my heart gives and takes and the way my body breaks.

i will do this all, for myself. for the sake of being good to myself. xx

scarlet springs

it is amazing, some people, they just say these small little things. one sentence, and it changes the way you feel about them in an instant. small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. it changes everything, nothing in between you is ever really the same again - even if they dont know it, or never will.

what if i...

so much about this song, sincere and straight to the point. there, there is always a reason people are in your past, or going to be your past...enjoy the song. she's talented. (:

soapbox melodics

breathe you out, breathe you in

you keep coming back to tell me

you’re the one who could have been

and my eyes see it all so clear

it was long ago and far away but it never disappears

i try to put it in the past

hold on to myself and don’t look back

effing appeal

dearest boyfriend,

i am confident, but im not someone with over the top confidence. i get jealous when i see others try to talk to you in a flirty way. i often catch myself second guessing every situation in the worst way possible. it is a scary thought knowing that there are millions of people out there who have a lot more to offer than me, whether it is looks, personality or the way they present themselves. (girls will forever have this particular insecurity no matter how confident she is with herself). im selfish, i want you all to myself and i cant help it.

please understand.

love,

your girlfriend.

you got a way

you want to know what happiness is? it is waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. you turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. they breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. you smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. you turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. you feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesnt get any better than this.

you have a way of coming easily to me, and when you take, you take the very best of me. so i start a fight because i need to feel something. then you do what you want, oh, what a shame, that i aint going away. i am sitting here thinking it through, but i have never been anywhere as cold as you are. you put up walls and paint them all shades of grey, and i stood here loving you and wished them all away every other day.

...you got a way with word, with me. a way that feels like im under a spell from you and just gives my world a sugar rush without intoxication.

baby, fix me from this bad dream.

i was hiding behind a wall that i thought would never come down and pulls me apart. i continuously tried to knock it down, to break through it, but nothing ever seemed to work. i built myself up at a young age and shut myself down as the years went on. time was wearing on my skin like a cheap perfume and no matter that i did, i couldnt wash it off. now that im a little bit older, i have shed the skin that i was once trapped in; im a clean slate with new chances to start living, confidence that i have built - as a girl. that is all that i have ever really tried to do and now is as good as a time as any. i am living, and yes, i dont live by your rule!

last resort

i am angry at you!

and...im not talking to you

today & tomorrow.

ps: all day today!

pss: i still love you.

darn!

we came a long way

i hate when our schedules clash.

when you are free, im busy and vice versa.. it worries me. i just dont want our routines to change. i dont want us to drift apart. but i want you to know, regardless if im real busy. you always cross my mind, im always missing you. at the end of the day, my last thought is you.

...and i hate it when you&i become second fiddle to the other.