letter not to be sent

i excuse you from having to appear in my idea of you. your life is the epitome of mine, ever since you became my other half - the person i vowed to wanna spend my life with. (that, if it all happens like what is conceived by this imaginative mind) this is not my love; it happens to be just your life - in my head and heart. i love you as i do to the sunsets and the moonlights, more, obviously, wanting the moments to stay, but wanting nothing more than the feeling of possessing the moment.

today is a brand new day x

i constantly feel like im missing out on everything. like everything is happening somewhere else. like im not living life to the fullest. the problem is i never do EVERYthing i can to change it. i do my part, and think a lot of ways then in the end i just sit here and write about it. i sit here and write while somewhere over the rainbow amazing things are happening. amazing things that im missing out on. i need to change now because before i know it this will all be over. these lively years can only last for so long. im going to live for a while and then i am going to die, just like everybody else.

i might as well make the best of it and make memories for myself and my loved ones rather than sulking about it and then making myself more miserable when i think back from wherever that is that i go to after i die. it is my life afterall. i am the one who moves and when im ready to change i will. then again, maybe i shouldnt wait until i am ready. i dont think anybody is actually ready for change, we just kinda accept them. i doubt anybody ever really is. the time is now. if it is a sign i have been waiting for, here it is. everything will turn out okay. i just know it.

insufferable

once we truly love a person, is it stupid to stay in love with him even after he broke our heart? is it possible to still love unconditionally like before? i feel like my love for him never will fade away, but i am pretty much almost giving up hope on ever feeling happy again. maybe, my love for him will never fade away, especially if this relationship we shared once took me on the ride of my life. but this love will change. it will not be the same kind of love, where everything he says matters, where his single action can send you on a roller coaster, where you care infinitely for him. eventually, the love you have for him will be a nostalgic love, a kind of habit you cling onto simply because it was a big part of you. and the proper love, the kind of love that really matters, will be given to someone else who truly cares.

i dont want it to change, but me wanting it alone isnt gonna make things stay as it is or become better.

marriage, for me.

unfortunately, marriage today is not how marriage used to be; people get married for all the wrong reasons nowadays. over the years, marriage has lost it’s sacredness. couples get divorced left and right, and re-marry within a blink of an eye. it is quite sad. as for myself, i think marriage is the most important thing someone could do with their life. marriage is more than a fancy wedding, and having a husband or a wife. it is about finding that someone who you cannot imagine living without, and about loving them so much, that the only thing left to do is make them apart of your family. it is not about marrying the doctor or the hunk or the millionaire like all of our families joke about. it is about marrying your best friend; the one person who you can count on, and who will never leave you. marriage is not something to rush into. i can only see myself getting married after finding the one that i love forever & a day! i have seen so many marriages between people who are in my social circle just crumble apart. i want to make sure that the man i kiss at the end of the isle will love me for always...

the alpha, pfft.

i refer to the commonly used term to describe things or person who has the most say or things in relation to decision-making and mindsets. all the details you can find only caught between syllables and breaths, sometimes. there he goes again...

i think we tend to complicate things when it is really quite simple; find what it is that makes you happy and who it is that makes you happy, and you are set. promise. i found it, but am still reluctant and unsure how to acknowledge the obvious truth that is right in front of me. all the trouble people go through in finding a soulmate, and i have gotten more than i bargained for and then i dont have the courage to barge on and collect my finding. epic fail, i guess. after all, so much for holding on to things i (maybe) shouldnt and letting things i deserve go by or hanging in oblivion. fuck society.

lesmokin

i dont need a nose-job or blonde hair because my sex-god boyfriend likes me just the way i am. // unknown.

lol i find this quote really amusing. unconditional love from awesome-ness. hah! how perfect is that?! love, you know what im talking about. thank you for always giving me unconditional support through my rains&storms. (: you are still&forever will be my home.

once before, i said, this one is different. he is honest, and he is sweet and he would not do anything to hurt me. but everything else showed that he is a guy. darling, this is for you and me, for the record - you were the one from the start, but we are just not heading to the same direction MOST of the time. this is just so awkward, being so in love but having these massive hiccups and doubts. you never knew you just shoved me aside, and with your own hands sending me away, darling.

you still give me the butterflies, but i dont think you know what you are doing to me - really.

read me a fairytale, please

so many people enter and leave your life! hundreds of thousands of people! you have to keep the door open so they can come in! but it also means you have to let them go! // jonathan safran foer

to me, fearless is not the absence of fear. it is not being completely unafraid. to me, fearless is having fears. fearless is having doubts. lots of them. to me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.

real life is a funny thing you know. in real life saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. so crucial, in fact that most of us start to hesitate for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. but lately what i have begun to fear more then that is letting the moment pass without saying anything. i think you deserve to look back on your life without a chorus of resounding voices saying ‘i could have, but it is too late now.’ so there is a time for silence, and there is a time for waiting your turn. but if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you will know it. i dont think you should wait. i think you should speak now.

i hope i will be able to do just about everything that i say. i do.

you left me in the dark, in the shadow of your heart

you may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. but if she loves you now, what else matters? she’s not perfect, you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together. but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. she may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break her heart. so don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there. // bob marley

there were things i wanted to tell him. but i knew they would hurt him. so i buried them, and let them hurt me instead...

heart disease

i have got to learn how to let go of my these disturbing thoughts i bear in my heart that is literally eating me out. the way it bugs me throughout a night, and even at the start of a new day really irks the hell out of me. i have lost track of the times i need to crawl out from the dark caverns of my own mind.

sometimes im not good at meeting new people. they always want something. cigarettes, money, a booty call, drugs, whatever - i have nothing like that to offer these people. i have got skills but they are mine. i have got thoughts and dreams, but no one wants to know - for goodness sake. i have not got a microphone to cry into, nor the drama to report. i have not got a journal worth reading - not even a page worth saving, sometimes. i have nothing on my vest, no badge of honor on display. no trophy, no plate on my bedroom walls. no family trips to brag about. no selfish habit to feed upon. im not a fucking rodent. im not dependent on chemicals or pleasures. im not using anyone for anything. im not going to pay you to be my fucking friend. im just not like that. so suck it.

whisper secrets to me

i once fell in love with you, just because the sky turned from gray into blue.it has always been like a dream, going through dramas after dramas and yet, here we are still together no matter how hard things go. it is amusing, really, how we get became an item. it wasnt any kind of fairytale, and not anything lame at all. it just happened. how did you came into my life when you are not really in my life, boy? give me some answers...

i remember you telling me that my tears shouldnt fall easily for nonsense, and you are that nonsense - i presume?

i wanna try to be ignorant

...the end of an anchor.

we are girls,we get jealous, we hate that mother fucker who spams your facebook, we tend to assume things, our imaginations go wild. every second you take to reply, thousands of things goes through our heads ; we start assuming, and this is when we get insecure. but then.. we will try comfort ourselves, we will think back to our conversations and make our-self believe you aint that type of guy. so dont disappoint us..

no one is free. even the birds are chained to the skies. there are things that we dont want to think of, but we cant even forget.. that we dont want to continue, but we are afraid to end.

...just a piece of my distraught&illogical mind. it is so dangerous to stay in this mind. so many things can happen through imagination and over-thinking/assuming about EVERYthing!

the apple of my eye. the flutter in my heart.

we have one thing in common. we are crazy about each other. there goes all my ego and all my pride in knowing that i dont go ga-ga about people just like that. hmm. :p

my darling, you ):

we sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken. that was what happened to us, i suppose, being where we are - the state that we are in right now. sometimes it bugs me so bad that we arent speaking so much to each other, but sometimes i am reminded that this is actually something real. people dont talk or meet twentyfourseven. they live separate lives, breathing the same air. being a couple doesnt mean to have to be joined-in-the-hips. i could understand that as long as the heart is true and we have love&faith&trust, this could go far.

looking on the bright side

saying hello to goodbye isnt a bad thing anymore now. it might bring happiness, even. im a hopeless romantic. never wanted to admit it because i am never quite sure what that truly even means but i will always believe in love even if i didnt have a reason to. i would rather be like this because there is people out there that will go their entire lives unwilling to open their hearts to someone else or unwilling to allow someone to open their hearts to them and i could never be that way.

accepting true love is the hardest and scariest thing. im not sure what i would do without you in my life. thank you for making me believe true love really does exist. i do not want to make things sound anymore complicated than it already is, but i have got to be a lucky girl - amidst all these unfortunate events that happened all these while.

june2011

this month, is gonna be full of drama. i just know it. it has started with a bittersweet note, and continued on with a very not-promising-view of what is to come.

you can make me laugh, even when im crying - my dear. and im not sure what i would do, if life were to really hand me a lemon. i would probably just toss it aside as i dont feel like having it or anything with it for that matter.

you say that you love rain, but you open your umbrella when it rains. you say that you love the sun, but you find a shadow spot when the sun shines. you say that you love the wind, but you close your windows when wind blows. this is why i am afraid, you say that you love me too. // william shakespeare

some days we will feel sad without knowing why. like we have lost something very precious but forgot what it was, or like you miss someone you have never met. there are times when i feel like opportunities seized to show up and/or is not realized anymore. there are more disappointments rather than encouragement, and repetition, rather than confirmation. it is really building up this wall i have been trying to break through all these while...

am i thinking to much?

...to love these things? ;

guys with shaggy/wavy hair

when guys makes effort to make me smile, no matter what

guys who smell nice

guys who actually listen

guys that are able to commit

when guys leave you cute texts

guys that dont ignore you

these, are some of the things that i dig in a guy. a guy doing/having these things makes me keeps him there in my mind, always.

well, life hasnt been easy for the past weeks. things doesnt happen overnight. but i turn around and a month has gone by and i realized i havent cried as much. not giving me an hour, a minute, or a second longer, i am busy getting stronger. by hook or by crook. yea.

untold stories

things you should never tell, ended up being more twisted not told then being openly discussed. sometimes it was never meant to be kept. it works best whichever way the truth wants itself to show up with. i am saying this, obviously based on my own experiences. faced my own fears, felt the pains, braved the tears, and crossed the barriers. i might not have done best in all, but i have proven to myself that many things happens even when you are thoroughly prepared for, and worrying doesnt make life any more easier to go through. boohoo.

i said many times before, like everybody else i want many things and i need many more things as well. and these wants&needs are cravings that i might or might not be able to fulfill. but at the same time, i am a simplistic, as well. i can live with bare necessity and make use or adapt to whatever resources i am able to get myself to reach. having said that, i guess i am quite an easy person to get along. i feel that people are so very complicated nowadays. people see things in layers rather than just everything else on the surface. sincere people are harder to be found. and a society that should be well meant to be vibrant and full of wonderful things to do and find is turning life harder to get by and making more and more miserable people.

what the hell is wrong? are we still alive, or just living our deaths from the start?

liplocks love-affair

i cant believe how lips could make me cling on to you for all that matters. the easiest thing for me to make myself believe is that it feeds my soul. somehow you fill this heart with joy that doesnt need explanation, and indescribable melody i could hum all day and night with the feeling that lingers for always, even after all the time that passed.

just one kiss, could do so much damage.

a kiss.

horrible weekend

...a worried-filled stay in the suburb, a near death experience - again, and a hug-less goodbye. sometimes i wish for far too much of everything to be better, but there isnt any harm in wishing - just plain hurt in the end. so, now i know why people say dont wish too much.

things change when i wake up

architecture is serene. quiet lines, stoic creations. something in the way his thumbs against white, blank, white. he asks me about the way i live. i ask him if it is possible to build a Parthenon atop a jagged cliff, the soil running before a foundation can ever be set.

i set my sight on a faraway dream that i dreamt of since i was a girl. it all came up to right what i have now, partially gone, partially still vaguely visible, but there is something - even the slightest hint of it exists, i feel that i am not as dead as i felt yet. and they say, if you can dream it, you can do it - right? i really hope so. i hope a lot, ya, i know. it has come to a point where i hope for everything more than engaging an action to pursue that direction that i wanted to be heading to.

things change when i wake up. i hope you are one thing that doesnt change. i hope. i hope so hard.

a lady never begs

if you never live for something, you will die for nothing. // joey elkins

breathe in, breathe out. throw yourself in the air and let it fly you to your dreams. well, i would love to do that but it is not possible unless i have the ability to literally fly. anyways, some people dream of their successes. some wakes up and works hard for their dreams. both can work, but whether it will last makes them all the more different.

you know what is the difference between men and women?

karma ):

i collect the words you say to me and wear them on a string around my neck, close to the pulse in my throat, the thump of my heart...

i want to put myself in your shoes and feel . i want you to put yourself in my shoes and walk a mile too. just so you know, darling, that this has always been a heart-to-heart affair.

for to be free is not merely to cast of one's chains, but to respect and enhances the freedom of others. // nelson mandela

when people say they believe in karma, normally they do things in their comfort zone and it is all about being safe and staying safe. this sometimes leads to suppressing our inner wants and needs just to stay in the norms. being open to possibilities, and giving yourself a breather sometimes lead to better emotional wellbeing.

one thing, always smile. (:

wander aimless

...an oral fixation to what's real.

i want to believe in it all again. music and art, fate and love. and i want to believe that i have made the right choices. and that i am on the right path and there is still time for me to fix the mistakes that i have made. and i guess i want hope.

happiness is only real when shared...

caffeine fix

for the first time (in a while), there isnt some place i would rather be, no vague notion of love or could be love attached at the end of every missing statement, or a grand encounter with possibility across my horizon.

i am not trying to bridge the gap between spaces or stretch the points on a map to give me new perspectives, counting miles on dashboards and saving ka-chings for tickets.

instead, i am just here - settled and settling - learning slowly how to build a home on stable grounds, an earth worth digging my roots into. this odd display of lights and movement no longer looking forward to the next chance to pack my bags, trying to remain and take comfort in the fact that i will continue to remain right where i am.

my heart skips a beat

...not because of joy or excitement, as the pursuit of happiness is too tough - for me.

...the ability to see beauty is the beginning of our moral sensibility. what we believe is beautiful, we will not wantonly destroy. // unknown

i dont know whether these thoughts would still be considered beautiful as i have more doubts than positivity nowadays. and he isnt helping at all by leaving me to continue thinking and staying this way alone. sometimes i wonder if i am actually seeking comfort more from my other half, or just having his existence as my other half - which doesnt serve as an actual comfort in a any way. i dont know if i have a priority to that anymore.

sugar rush

i wish i could put my thoughts in a jar and feed the hungry and poor. i think too much - but not necessarily things that bears any significance at all. thinking too much causes me to over think and analyze things i dont wanna deal with. it gets too much for me to handle and i panic. i shut myself down and go to war with myself. im tired. im sick of being tired. i dont like who i am, when i am thinking and couldnt solve something, but i have to live with it. i dont know what im doing at times. i am not fond of feeling upset. i believe nobody does. i want to be at peace with myself for all times. to be happy and think about things that doesnt send me over the edge.

fly

i heard somewhere that moving on to someone new is like moving to another country where you dont know the language - or anything much else beyond that. and it is scary, but you learn, as you did before, everything you can to make it work. you learn the way certain things move. you learn the underlying meaning in certain words. you learn the difference in the sounds that come alive during the day versus the night. you learn and learn and learn all that you need to learn. and it is like discovering a whole life you never knew about. and after awhile, you find that it isnt as hard as you thought it would be, especially when you end up falling in love unexpectedly. and when that happens, that’s when you will realize you will never want to be anywhere else but there.. with them. and suddenly it is the beginning all over again.

dear past,

...you are still searching for me in every other girl.

you wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is? i think it is waking up on a Monday morning with no complaints. it is knowing you always deserve to laugh. it is doing what feels right no matter what. it is doing what you want to, no matter how stupid you look. it is about being yourself, because nobody else can tell you that you are doing it wrong

jump&fall

courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.

there comes a point when you just love someone. not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. you just love them. it doesnt mean you’ll be together forever. it doesnt mean you wont hurt each other. it just mean you love them. sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. and you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it. // laurell k. hamilton

inside every woman's heart is a girl who dreams of a prince charming. maybe not the perfect one she imagined when she was a kid, but someone who can appreciate and love her for who she truly is and sweep her off her feet. // tere arigo

pleasant surprise

good luck for all you people trying to kick life in the ass, kill it!

i had a crazy time chasing things in a string of roundabouts. i swear, sometimes i think im just looking for things to get stressed/anxious about...

when everything is going well, i am plagued by this sense of impending doom, like im waiting for the next catastrophe; it is like, subconsciously, i think that if i spend time worrying about small, insignificant things, then that anxiety will be enough, and the universe wont give me anything worse to deal with.

...and then, when i thought i have lost every little battle within myself and letting it be - you come with this circle that promises me new hopes.

tell me what to do...

foreword / epilogue?

my love, if you are going to fall in love with me, it is only fair that you know what you are falling in love with...

you are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me (at times). you are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession, my tendency to be too clingy (when the hormones come attacking). sometimes im horrible at keeping in touch with people; i would forget to call, to text. i change my mind way too much, i cant settle. you fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how im a hopeless romantic at heart. if you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-love-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever understand me as a person.

but, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when im with you, the way i will text you in random just telling you i hope you had a great day. you are falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things i say, and the way i blush when people ask me about you. but to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible.

...and we are in love from the beginning. thank god.

electric rush

...everytime i see you.

unknowing of what may happen, i will be honest. i will love with all my heart. (despite the bruises or scattered fragments) i will challenge myself. (and humanity as well) i will get to know the way my skin curves around my bones. i will learn to walk away, and what i deserve. (and dont) i will learn the way my heart gives and takes and the way my body breaks.

i will do this all, for myself. for the sake of being good to myself. xx

scarlet springs

it is amazing, some people, they just say these small little things. one sentence, and it changes the way you feel about them in an instant. small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. it changes everything, nothing in between you is ever really the same again - even if they dont know it, or never will.

what if i...

so much about this song, sincere and straight to the point. there, there is always a reason people are in your past, or going to be your past...enjoy the song. she's talented. (:

soapbox melodics

breathe you out, breathe you in

you keep coming back to tell me

you’re the one who could have been

and my eyes see it all so clear

it was long ago and far away but it never disappears

i try to put it in the past

hold on to myself and don’t look back

effing appeal

dearest boyfriend,

i am confident, but im not someone with over the top confidence. i get jealous when i see others try to talk to you in a flirty way. i often catch myself second guessing every situation in the worst way possible. it is a scary thought knowing that there are millions of people out there who have a lot more to offer than me, whether it is looks, personality or the way they present themselves. (girls will forever have this particular insecurity no matter how confident she is with herself). im selfish, i want you all to myself and i cant help it.

please understand.

love,

your girlfriend.

you got a way

you want to know what happiness is? it is waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. you turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. they breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. you smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. you turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. you feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesnt get any better than this.

you have a way of coming easily to me, and when you take, you take the very best of me. so i start a fight because i need to feel something. then you do what you want, oh, what a shame, that i aint going away. i am sitting here thinking it through, but i have never been anywhere as cold as you are. you put up walls and paint them all shades of grey, and i stood here loving you and wished them all away every other day.

...you got a way with word, with me. a way that feels like im under a spell from you and just gives my world a sugar rush without intoxication.

baby, fix me from this bad dream.

i was hiding behind a wall that i thought would never come down and pulls me apart. i continuously tried to knock it down, to break through it, but nothing ever seemed to work. i built myself up at a young age and shut myself down as the years went on. time was wearing on my skin like a cheap perfume and no matter that i did, i couldnt wash it off. now that im a little bit older, i have shed the skin that i was once trapped in; im a clean slate with new chances to start living, confidence that i have built - as a girl. that is all that i have ever really tried to do and now is as good as a time as any. i am living, and yes, i dont live by your rule!

last resort

i am angry at you!

and...im not talking to you

today & tomorrow.

ps: all day today!

pss: i still love you.

darn!

we came a long way

i hate when our schedules clash.

when you are free, im busy and vice versa.. it worries me. i just dont want our routines to change. i dont want us to drift apart. but i want you to know, regardless if im real busy. you always cross my mind, im always missing you. at the end of the day, my last thought is you.

...and i hate it when you&i become second fiddle to the other.

1 year, 10 months. today.

it was like he the opposite male version of me, if i was to be a boy.

i wonder why some thought it might be a match made in heaven but it was far from that. i sat there on across him and shared stories of my past and present and opinions that were similar but different — different enough to make you question any possibility of having this conversation in any other way or time. how on earth can i care for someone so deeply, and yet hate him so much at once - for messing around with my emotions all the time! i could not in any way fathom why when i spend my nights awake wondering why i am hurting, when i am the happiest i have ever been sometimes. it is ridiculous, really, how it has become.

...all these mixed feelings, love&hatred, and more - you still have a hold of this heart. today, and hopefully still counting, darling.

happy monthsary, my dearest yiktian!

precious (: unintentionally yours

she unintentionally broke his heart. isnt it always unintentional? except you would think she should have known better, she shouldnt have done this or that, but the fact is that she didnt do anything at all except let it run its’ course into the wall she was secretly building behind those captivating eyes he fell for, unaware of the danger ahead. but maybe he should have known better instead of diving into love so quickly, so carelessly. either way, regardless of what they should have known deep down inside their minds — they had to go with how they truly felt inside their hearts.

...love?

maybe, someday.

...and maybe someday we will figure all this out, try to put an end to all our doubts. and try to find a way to make things better now that maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud. we'll be better off somehow, someday.

so i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we’ll never know most of them. but even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them. ~the perks of being a wallflower

pretty please

talks go on as far as good times go. what do we do when bad times come? nobody likes to pick fight, why is it that a conversation always misunderstood to be another way to pick fight? one word leads to a yell, and that yell breaks all bonds built the previous year - and more. do you realize?

...the way you make me feel is unlike anything i have ever experienced before. you make me feel like i am dying and flying and living and that my heart just stopped beating but yet is pumping ninety miles per hour all in one moment. you make me feel invisible but vulnerable, but like nothing could ever bring me down. you make me feel like i am free, and yet trapped by your every move. you leave me breathless, and yet are the only thing that keeps me breathing. you control my every thought, movement, heartbeat. you have got me, all of me, and that is all i can give.

this confusion

i wont give up on you. not yet. and if you decide to leave now, it is alright. i will hold on because what we have is worth the wait. perhaps we rushed through it. perhaps we needed a break. but i will be waiting. and if, in the end it proves not to have been worth it - well at least i have tried.

...but, you are not leaving, maybe i am the one who wants to go away - for a while. just saying.

darling, having said that you laid your plans for the rest of your life, our lives together, do you actually know what you want and what you have are so underestimated sometimes?

indulgence

i wonder a lot about what goes on in your head and wish that i could figure you out. the problem is, i dont know what goes on inside my head some days.

i am a girl, to say this is to merely state the obvious. but when im a girl, my life is like music that is always getting louder. everything moved me, affects my life, my emotions, my very being. a homeless dog following a stranger. that made me feel so much. a calendar that showed the wrong month, i could have cried over it. that, is how crippling these feeling are making me sometimes.

i spent a lot of time trying to feel less. to be less sensitive. to just not feel, at all. but all these, to no avail, most of the times.

everyday i feel less. is that growing old? or is it something worse? i found that you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness. this, i find is most realistic to what i am feeling right now.

...indulgence of feelings.

a reminder

i hope i will never have to say this to anybody in my life. but this song somehow makes me feel like i deserve more. just so you know.

lust doesnt just refer to another individual in the picture, it could be lust of worldly treasures and that sort of things. we have seen and lost a lot of loved ones, people, to these very convincing lures. darling, i truly hope you are stronger than that.

blue moons & stars

i got to thinking about fate. that crazy concept that we’re not really responsible for the course our lives take. that it’s all predestined, written in the stars. maybe that explains why, if you live in a city, where you can’t even see the stars, your love life tends to feel a little more random. and even if our every man, every kiss, every heartache, is pre-ordered from some cosmic catalogue, can we still take a wrong step and wander off our own personal milky way? i couldn’t help but wonder, can you make a mistake and miss your fate?

- sex and the city

my wonderwall

time passes. even when it seems impossible. even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. it passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. even for me.

just this

because i want to

i collect so i dont forget. i pick up receipts and lists and scribbles on floorboards. i collect old things left behind and new things forgotten, hoarding them all inside a secret compartment besides my bookshelf. i collect lives of strangers that i have never met because there is something so prepossessing about lives i have never known; something that intrigues me so thoroughly. i will pick up empty metro cards and write down destinations on the back, because someone out there was going elsewhere, because they needed to get away, because they needed to go back. i collect books because there are stories that i want to read, people i want to meet, lives that i want to live. i collect books because there are millions of people holding their breaths between the bindings, waiting to blink against the light of new minds. i collect words because i love them, because i cusp them between my palms and drink them in, let them coat my throat, seep into my lungs, travel through my veins. i collect so i can become; so that i can be pieces of people that i believe in so fervently.

...today, i am me. but a different me, i believe. i believe i change. i change every single day.

do you? do you want to?

there is a world on the other side

huney, you anchor me when i starts to float and have no direction whatsoever. holding me close, and softly whisper words of comfort. those are the things i feel most convinced about, that i am truly real at that very moment - and happy, not in any other way.

i feel like a feather in the wind, that nothing could break me anymore. i could withstand any hurt, in any ways; when you are near. that emotional strength is the most that i need. it is strange, that you made it clear that i am right about not needing physical strength and violence to feel protected. there you are, when i needed you most. that, is more important than anything else in the whole wide world.

there is a world, on the other side that we could be. just us...

the way i get myself to forget

you are brighter than the stars, believe me when i say that you are the light of my life. my dear, there is just no need for words when you truly understand this from the heart. i am, in every single way adoring you with my whole being but that doesnt really mean i am letting you trample all over me without self-control. just saying.

i have tried to tell the world that doesnt exist in order to make it exist. the joy of familiar distance. the peace of familiar restlessness. as during high fevers, the delight of feeling nothing.

i have tried to keep the world at a distance. it has been easy. im used to keeping the world at a distance. i am strange. at times i am strange. that way i forget the world. the way i vent by crying and raging, all to myself. that way, my world becomes white and inconsequential.

...and i wander where i will. and i stand completely still. that way i get used to being dead - for all that is worth. for me to lay still and not be understood but not to be saddened by the fact that i am not being understood, at all.

mirabile dictu

by this time, you are here, sitting in front of your computer. surfing the net, chatting - maybe, or working. in short, enjoying and savoring every opportunity that life can give you. drinking clean and safe water, experiencing internet and electricity. you are having the best of life, like really.

but also, by this time, someone is dying. by this time, someone suffers hunger and thirst. by this time, someone is crying because he or she has a terrible sickness. by this time, a family of ten is eating salt and rice. by this time, a family is sleeping at the cold, wet street. by this time, someone is under prostitution to earn a living. by this time, a child has just passed away because of abortion. and by this time, you are here, sitting in front of the computer typing or reading away.

if we feel that life gives us a fuck, remember, we are still lucky to have this kind of life. be thankful, for if you think you are unlucky, try to look around you and you will see the reality that the other people is facing right now.

like boomerang

stop assuming, start believing. i think this is exactly what i should be doing from now on. it has always been fate, that anything started at all. many things happened, and will continue happening. it is through all this that we actually experience life. without ups&downs i guess we are just living dead, yes?

ethereal

some things stay for always. some things just dont. they come into your life like a breeze and before you know it, it disappears. only in secret sanctuary, memories stay - and forever it stays, in the heart that is unbreakable.

why oh why

the paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeway but narrower viewpoints. we spend more, but have less; we buy more but enjoy less. we have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences but less time. we have more degrees but less senses. more knowledge, but less judgment. more experts, yet more problems. more medicine, but less wellness.

people drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch too much tv, amd pray too seldom - for whatever it is. we multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. we talked too much, love too seldom, and hate too often - generally, people do. right?

we have learned how to make a living, but not a life. we have added years to life, not life to years. we have been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor or friend. we conquered outer space but not our inner self.

people have done larger things, but not better things. we have cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. we have conquered the atom, but not our basic prejudices.

who are we, today?

something's missing

whenever i come back , peeked through the windows and see the sky smiling bright back at me. passing through unconscious states, i reckon there is just as many lost thoughts as new thoughts in my head every moment. i dont see why we should get all uptight about things, partially going so well as we just laughed and hugged and held hands. i think we should continue doing this for eternity. it just felt so right. but yes, so wrong, and we just dont know why fate is just like that. makes you think, but thinking doesnt really brings you to a new level and changes a frown to a smile. we smile because we can, and not the other way round.

something is missing right now. i think it is you.

constellation

i guess sometimes, when being mad at something trivial i get to really pinpoint what i actually see. people are not what we really see. things like seeing one thing, and being one thing totally exists. we turn to a lot of different mediums to get our thoughts straight or to get them to be understood. but what are we looking for actually? we look at the stars for guidance, we seek the moon for refuge. in the end, does it even comfort us even a little bit?

cocktails, dinner & dancing

it is effin april already!

...and we thought there is eternity ahead of us. oh gosh. who are we fooling here huh? life just dont get easier. everyday is a struggle. everyday is a battle. it doesnt get easier with time. in fact, it gets harder. the secret is finding someone who is willing to work with you and who will push you, challenge you, makes it harder for you to leave and give up. the beauty is in the struggle.

we need to be hurt once in a while. (not that i am even a bit fond of being hurt, but i really think it is necessary in ways to truly appreciate) how else will we learn not to make the same mistakes? we need to get left outside in the rain, we need to be forgotten. we need to feel alone, and we need to learn what it feels like to love someone who has no intention of loving you back. because, eventually someone who truly cares about you will come into your life. and if it were not for these past mistakes, you would not have even realized how beautiful it feels to be loved.

...one fine day, i danced in the rain - and he danced as well. the warmest time of my life.

dont look back in anger - oasis

happy birthday to my mommy dearest!

today!

...and i still get chills down my neck when she calls my full name.

(means im in trouble) lol

meanwhile, having almost-zero-tolerance-on-facing-the-computer-screen-and-having-design-block today, i went over some old emails and blogposts just to hit some high scores with my memory. i did, and guess what! i re-read 'essays' from old times debate on right or wrong, weak or strong, ups and downs with a former flame. it irked me, at the thought of having to remember bitter parts of my life at first, but then it turns out to be amusing at one point. i dont know whether to be glad that i have gone through that transition. i dont know, if i should still miss the conversations and straining mind games. they all have helped me become me today, but of course, all credits to me being smart stupid crazy all combined.

i text a lot. i probably should be using emails instead, as my texts when i need to get my points across is like ten pages long. people who knows me would understand the trouble they are getting when receiving my texts when there is things to talk about, especially the boyfriend and similar people. (: im sorry guys, but i love writing, in general. teeheehee.

so, now i look back to a lot of things and then i think differently. not because i have changed, but the situations have changed. i am merely growing with the flow. note that i said growing, instead of going.

cosmiques

i think love is a feeling.

it is that feeling you get when you know you are going to see that person.

you are always counting down the minutes, the hours, the days, or even the months until you will see them again because you love that feeling you have when you are with them. you know, that butterfly, giggly, warm, this-smile-is-never-gonna-leave-my-face feeling.

love is a feeling of perfect happiness and contentment.

being in their arms means that everything will be okay and even if it is really not going to be, you get a feeling that they will do whatever they can to make it be, or just try to make you feel better. it is that feeling that you are loved for who you are and you love them for who they are, every bit of them, no matter how obnoxious or out of character they may seem at times.

it is about how you love to brag about them and annoy your friends(in good humor). it is about how they are the first one you want to talk to when anything good or bad happens. and how you are always learning something new, no matter how long you have been dating.

it is about changing and being a new person, not necessarily changing your ways or who you are, but wanting to be different and a better person simply because that person is in your life and you want to be everything to them.

ps: i know i write about love, a lot. i cannot even say that i know love inside out nor i can say that i am experienced enough to write about it. but how can you ever measure the love you have felt? what you and i have experienced can never be compared with. i am just relating to the relative things that i have felt, and is feeling, at times when i think that i am in love...

love is a funny thing. you expect it to be easy. you expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. you expect him to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. you expect him to calm you down when you are mad or to chase you when you run away. you expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesnt exactly match up with all your plans. but that is the thing. love isnt a plan. it doesnt have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

love happens; it is so incredibly messy. people around you cant comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they cant see. they cant see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you are in love. it is inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we cant live without it. what you dont learn is how hard love is. how much work it takes. how much of ourselves we have to put into it. how it isnt worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

love isnt him calming you down when you raise your voice. (although i would very much love this) but it is him yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. it isnt him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable. it is after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet him showing up at your door the next morning(i wish) anyway. it is not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. so no, it is not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. it is her standing there, admitting she is just as scared as you are. you have to remember that with love, you are not the only one involved. you have unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. do what you will. mash it into mince meat. or forget i ever handed it to you. as long as you have it.

maybe i have already taken to heart, accepting what it is like to be really living with the person i love, rather than expecting movie-like drama everyday. hmm....

it makes us crazy. it makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldnt cross. because love isnt about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. it is about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. and it is a hell of a lot better, than being a hundred percent happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling happy and feeling whole.

pps: ....having described a lot of what i think and feel of love here, makes me realise that i have a lot of expectations. with those description, i actually just found out that i have those in mind that i didnt acknowledge before. it might not have been happening, or happened, but it might happen...if i believe. yet, that idea might change and there are a lot of things going on in my head that i havent really figured out just yet. i hope it is all good, though. thank you for reading. my gibberish (:

where ends meet

sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, im not going to make it. but you laugh inside remembering all the times you have felt that way. and you walked to your bathroom, do your business, see that face in the mirror. oh my oh my oh my, and you brush that hair anyway.

life is more than a series of moments, you know? we can make choices and we can choose to protect the people we love. and that is what makes us who we are.

who you are

i dont know how to tell you what i feel. i live in (almost)perpetual expectancy. that is why i could not really tell what i want, in exact words. maybe im just waiting for things, or me to be understood if there is any intention of that in you to do so. i dont want to have to be verbal in everything that i do, or want to do. as a baseline, i do everything in my might to be in your life that i sometimes think why. these unspoken thoughts are what bugs me every night when i lay my head, vaguely reminding me of my own prerogatives. automatically like an audio player, even when i didnt turn on that repeat button - it always goes on and on, without fail.

you come, and the time slips away in a dream. it is only when you leave that i realize completely your presence. and then it is too late. you numb me, in a way that i will never be able to fathom. maybe, in the millionth time when all these emotions collide. but let me tell you this, then, i wont be the same me.

mockery bickery

first of april! it is april, yo! hello april!

you took it back. well how could you go and do something like that? my fingernail phase, worst has got the best of you. i ask you and i know i need a change. you ripped my heart out of me then you put it back. im pulling my hair, i let you just a millionth time. i love you even though it sometimes isnt fair.

run, we go around again in circles, playing this game over&over again.

between the lines

you know that feeling? when you are just waiting, waiting to get home, into your room, close the door, fall into bed, and let everything out that you have kept in all day. that feeling of both relief and desperation.

nothing is wrong, but nothing is right either. i am just tired. tired of everything. tired of nothing. i just want someone to be there and tell me it is okay, even if it is not really true. i just know i have to be strong for myself, because it is a fact that nobody can fix me - other than myself. but im tired of waiting. tired of being the one to fix myself and everyone else. tired of being strong. and for once, i just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved. and i know i wont be. not yet. but im still hoping. and im still wishing. and im still staying strong and fighting, with tears in my eyes, im fighting.

note to self; there is just so much i could fight, sometimes. maybe letting it be is the best solution. maybe i just havent found that something that would make me smile not matter what. or maybe i was just too busy looking, and feeling, that i didnt realise i have already got the piece that i have been missing all these while. oh god, help me...

infatuation to a story

...in my head.

the light greeted me like a faithful old friend. it is a constant struggle. lingering in my footprints, in my kisses in times of sweetness, in the breath trailing from my mouth in your skin. it is no longer this or that, but is this right?

it is no longer a simple, two-sided equation but an equation with endless variables falling apart under the smoldering reminder of what is. these variables create limbs sprawled outward, they lay spilled out on my grounds, my skies, and in my brain. pressed with questions and morals and doubts.

how did everything suddenly get so goddamn.......difficult ?

mental mentruation

i know it sounds gross, but yes, that is what happening to me. i think.

something is definitely wrong with me. dont start saying this is stupid or try to laugh at me, at all. im saying this in an understated-serious-tone-maybe-not-shown-through-words now.

those mood swings are really something arent they? that superficial happiness is the best thing you have come across in as long as you can remember and it is beautiful. it is like you are floating in pink clouds eating candies and dancing like your life depends on it. and in that moment in time you feel invincible and nothing can get to you, you feel like you can bring the whole world together and make a ground-breaking difference in this chaos you live in. but then melancholy tints your euphoria and it feels like you are falling, falling, falling back to the ground and a great big hand is clutching at your heart as it weeps and weeps and weeps.

okay. that is about how dramatic i could get, for now.

thank you.

on the contrary

...of writing this post, today, i find nothing of myself worth sharing. i lose the promise of written language, exited the possibility of wandering into communication which changes that.

perhaps i am waiting for another ignition of passion to begin to burn again. i am desperate to have it all uncover again, a change that could light my path further along in this journey of mine in self-discovery.

i wish to say these fragments aloud and let them guide me some place, allow them to pull me closer to inspirations, push me further in comfort and strength of worries&fear. may it illuminate pain singing and shaking the troubles and triumph that cradles with hesitation.

...a breakthrough, in progress. (:

happy 21st monthsary darling. may this fire burn bright and long, for us. xx