for your information

my biggest fear is insanity, but being so close to it intrigues me. i see so much beauty in the things that im most afraid of.

a brutal swap of words between the good&bad which comes out as screams&cheers in my head which digs as molecules sparking. they uncovers the deep things buried inside one another. reaching in to pull them out, and rest them safely in the palm of my hands - by imagination.

my energy is waning constantly. so tired of these common themes and my inability to change the hard parts. life is like that, one of the universal truths we all agree and only admit in silence most of the time. though so, i believe everybody is living a story and trying to write a better script in every way. arent we?

back to reality

... after my long break from everything..and things felt good, probably because im back to familiar grounds again. kk-penang-kedah-perlis-kedah-langkawi-kedah-penang-kk. that is about where&how we have traveled.

the main occasion for this trip is to attend a wedding, in true hokkien tradition! and yes, it is my very first time having seen everything that is done in that manner, hokkien-style. other than that, it was mainly an eat-walk-talk kinda thing, just enjoying the time off work and not having a care to what happens on my work-desk then.

food galore! amongst my favorite food in kedah was this otak-otak-steamed-style! yummy to the max! well, there seem to be a lot of small town hawker material that we have tasted along the trip but this struck me as both delicious and healthy(?) and cheap! picture below, is laksa, and i know(!) it doesnt look like one. the reason why it looks like that is because it is a homecooked-freestyle-buffet-laksa that i can actually pick whichever ingredient available to be in my laksa. and this version of mine is filled with loads of pineapple&cucumber slices, with everything else underneath namely the noodle, the-whatever-sauce(im sorry i dont even know what sauce it is), whatever leaves, and whatever else there is necessary to be in that bowl of laksa. there are these spices/vegetable/(this, something) that i was not at all fond of because of its repelling taste when i accidentally chewed it, i think it stinks, im sorry. hmm, or maybe it was something else that i was offered during my laksa-time that i coudnt bring myself to remember now. it was all a blur as it was like a feast day-and-night kinda thing. very weird though that i didnt put on too much weight all the while i was there. maybe it was the weather. maybe it was all the marathon-style-tour&roadtrips. i dont know. but i would be truly ecstatic if i was told that my metabolism level increased after every happy time. is that even possible? pfft.

im not anything close to a good narrator or writer or (another)whatever, so pardon my inability to properly describe (even) my own experiences in appropriate ways. thank you. (:

here's...the groom, arriving at the bride's home and preparing to woo his bride. this is where the fun part begins. there arent gonna be photos posted here, nor that i am gonna elaborate further. so yea, it is only gonna be in my memory, my mental recollections of what happened from the beginning of this wedding till the wedding banquet itself. it was a happy occasion, though, even the fact that all of us have to go through about an hour drive to get to the bride's place to get her. well, sorry for the lack of story-telly. it would be too long and too much pictures to show if i were to narrate the whole process here, given that im so bad with shortening stories (as everybody says so).

an image taken from where i was being seated, the towering cake as a background to the gorgeous bride and groom and his parents. the setting was altogether simple yet very elegant. it was a sight to remember.

last, but not least, us together in the almost-playful manner as a couple during the whole procession, not like the other entourage. teehee. i would probably add in more visuals soon. being in a big crowd, you tend to have pictures taken separately, in lots(!) of different gadgets! (: needs time to sort things out, even from my own camera. maybe i should upload it all in facebook. at least there will be another place for storage and keepsake, in case my hard disc or phone memory or whatever flash drive gets the blues to not let me be sentimental about this trip in the future. lol.

one of those days

i hate those nights when you really just need to talk to someone but no one answers the phone. it always seems to work out that way.

im just gonna go read a book.

or, im gonna just do all of 30-day-challenge, or rather - the-30-questions, in this one post.

wait, which would you prefer to know anyways? i would be glad to answer if anybody could be kind enough to give me feedback that this is important enough for me to answer and maybe get to know myself better.

pain&groans

there are times when i felt really really sick, my body tells me that being sick isnt always about physical pain and suffering. most of the times it is the mind telling the body that it has to just feel pain, rather than just hiding it behind those smiles and nonchalant attitude. the heart has a way of telling the mind&body things we cannot explain.

so yea, i had a major gastritis pain for almost close to a week. having met my doctor and had a checkup when the pain is at the point of insufferable measures, he told me that there is nothing wrong with me and being the concerned person that he has always been, asked whether i am stressed in any way. i asked him what does it have to do with the pain that im having, and there he is - going all psychological comforting to me.

so people, maybe being all nice and evasive isnt so good at all. it hurts, in one way or the other in the end. there is nothing chronic about my mental status though, no worries. i am still sane and kicking. haha.

long break, another awaits!

it has been a while, since we last had our family vacation. this time, it is different - a breath of fresh air!

some snapshots of Longchuan, China, from my mobile. it's ancient, but breathtaking, this supposed homeland of mine.

the man that takes my breath away. a random picture for this post, (i know) taken at Kasih Sayang Resort on one of our lazy Sunday brunches.

high up, this is where you open up your heart and mind and then just let things flow to the sound of nature.

the family friend that became our tourguide-cum-awesome driver-cum-interpreter-cum-supplier of endless laughter, like a dear brother *hearts*

i miss the weather there. cold, but the warmth felt by heart is irreplaceable.

our life, people's life, one thing for sure we should not compare. everybody is living theirs the best they could, and i would not wanna trade mind for others anytime now. hmm...

more posts to come. when im ready to talk. ):

substitute mind

i just,

...i just need something to happen. a sign that things are going to change. i need a reason to go on. i need some hope. and in the absence of hope, i need to stay in bed, and feel like i might die tonight.

first of march

happy birthday, you!

what have we done the past month? only god knows...

i blog my heart

Honey you are a rock

Upon which I stand

And I come here to talk

I hope you understand

That green eyes, yeah the spotlight, shines upon you

And how could, anybody, deny you

I came here with a load

And it feels so much lighter, now I’ve met you

And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you

Green eyes

Honey you are the sea

Upon which I float

And I came here to talk

I think you should know

That green eyes, you’re the one that I wanted to find

And anyone who, tried to deny you must be out of their mind

Cause I came here with a load

And it feels so much lighter, since I met you

Honey you should know, that I could never go on without you.

Coldplay: Green Eyes-- this song will always remind me of you for the rest of my life. i think it’s safe to say it is our song, one of them at least. i will always say that this song is for you because it is and because your eyes are beautiful and because you are amazing. every time i listen to it i smile and i think of you.

a complete moron

...me!

i think everybody has experienced times when they just cringes at the very thought of what just happened that cant be changed anymore. embarrassing? so yes! ):

another friggin dream

...this time, MY wedding! but i cant even see the groom. and my dad was drinking and laughing like a mad man and not escorting me when i walk the aisle. i cant spot my mother either. what a horrible horrible dream! ): i see people i know, and people i dont know shits about. it was at a church, but somehow market-like. one thing i remembered that was nice about the whole thing was that my wedding gown was gorgeous. at least it is something for me to smile about. sigh. what is it all about? all these dreams with terrible meanings to understand and makes you miserable? i dont wanna imagine the day i fall apart doing something right out of the ordinary and all of a sudden there is fire of hell burning me to death. pfft. it might happen, since everything is so surreal to me nowadays. i am just floating through the days...now.

imysssm ):

i cant help it but think what actually does soulmate means? why the eff does everybody seem to be in love but dont know what or who they are loving?

lately i have been distraught, not because there is a hurricane inside of my mind. just because, i feel like a mess being in bigger messes. just saying...

i miss you. you complete me. like, really. ):

qing tian

had been listening to all about your heart by mindy gledhill and thought, why the hell cant i be cheerful about all that i have gone through. it is just to hold on or to let go. either way, there is still a pince of happiness in them somewhere. but that is the point, i cant do both. neither can i not do any of them. someone please cut me into half. maybe when im dead it is gonna be doable, both at the same time.

...this, is the perfect life (: someday, i would love to achieve this!

that silver lining

reds&blacks. there are so many simple ways to celebrate happiness and being together as a team is such a blessing. sweet or sour, altogether still a composition of strength. we just had a simple dinner-cum-cny celebration on eve of chapgohmei right after work and it was genuine good spirit.

part of the team, colleagues that make things happen and buildings gets built. duh! (: these are happy people that makes my day a breeze to go through.

...this person, a mentor, sometimes a friend, sometimes like a dad to me. im truly glad to have known him. a candid shot that seemed natural that we were all happy and high-for the right reasons! i love my colleagues!

no regrets

find something that you love. something that gets you so excited you cant wait to get out of bed in the morning. the money thing will come. i know so many people who have so much more money than i. they are miserable. it is so important to be happy.

Chris Gardner - The Pursuit of Happyness

20110214

...lay down, be still don't worry talk they will. i'll be loving you until morning's first light breaks tomorrow. i'll take care of you tonight.--we the kings

there has always been a steady stream of debate when it comes to vday. but why the hell does everybody make a big fuss out of a day made for loving. yes, everyday is supposed to be the same for love. vday is just another special day to commemorate love of any kinds.

on this day we learn about many things that people do for love, true love stories from near and far, heartbreaks, sweet memories, bitter experiences yadda yadda yadda. let's not talk about the sad part, for today and hopefully in the future. just dwell in this love-y day today (:

happy valentine's day people!

my version of valentine's day this time is a surprise of a so-called dinner date invitation from the boyfriend that comes with this bouquet of beautiful 9stalks. i hesitated for a while, knowing that i might not get my point across if i give in just like that. but this is an occasion to be merry. not significantly there for just once in a year, but here as a reminder for love. forgiveness and understanding is included in that context, so i might as well comply and be happy along. at least try to, and not make a big sucky day out of my life for anger-sake. sigh.

ps: so, let's see what is up tonight during the-date. am not expecting anything fancy, just quality time. hope it is that, and not any less.

such a small world we have, indeed.

it's fascinating that here in kota kinabalu, everybody seems to know everybody. friends, friends of friends, third degree friends, etc and the list goes neverending. but somehow, people seem to know people in our lives, in one way or another.

how do you deal with people you meet everyday, people you have known, or people who knows you? how do you retain a good relationship with everybody? i personally think, that as i grow older, people that i meet tend to change and then indirectly changes my approach to people too. i dont know if this is good or bad. you tell me?

im losing grip

january 31st

a day to remember. a date of simple bliss. if you ask me last year where i saw myself in a year and what would i be doing, i could quickly tell you that this wasnt it. well, this was not really something that i would have guessed or see myself doing in a normal circumstance. everything i am right now is nothing like i thought i would have been. the way things are in general are nothing like i thought they would be. to see people i i know so well becoming strangers, to see people who were once strangers to me means the world to me. seeing time fly by in the blink of an eye and feeling like nothing ever changes. feeling like everything has stayed the same throughout these days, yet looking back at where i was around this exact time last year and everything, different.

melt like a popsicle

i want you, and just you.

detour?

we have been together for so very long it seems to me like nothing will go wrong. but people tell me everyday that they know this boy wont stay. i would like to say that we are the exception and we will be the ones to last but i have seen how good things can end so fast. one day he would be officially mine and everything could be right but in a second it could slip and instantly, a fight. family and friends tell me i will be broken hearted but i cant help to think that theres no reason that this started. i tell people that i know we will end but i could never picture us being just friends. deep in my soul i guess i know that this love maybe is not meant to be but i like to think my your love is the only love for me.

painful thoughts

what you see, the mind plays it over and over again, and walla,

you have gotten yourself a built-in recorder!

caffeine&hypertension

tweeted more than i should, sometimes, but owh-well. twitter is meant for tweet-ing, loads! so there goes my facebook, almost untouched, just there for friend's updates, this and that. i pay a whole lot more attention to my other blogs, and babies nowadays. they become my haven, where i can be happily inspired and inspire. (:

fragments of ideas float around my brain as i tirelessly try to fit them together sometimes. with so many words in my head, i am always afraid of writing them down improperly. or forgetting them in the first place. i cannot seem to write fast enough because somehow a thought always gets lost.

old flames

i just couldnt believe fate. it just comes and goes and make or ruin things whenever and whereever possible. and i dont even get to think straight and have proper choices! how dope is that?

there is one more thing i couldnt bear to lose, besides losing my eyesight, was the ability to write and express my thoughts verbally with utmost absolute ways. i always sort of had my thoughts drafted out ll over my head, and then things just disappear every now and then when i needed to use it most. this actually pisses me off like being pushed over the cliff not knowing what to do next.

yea, dramatic as it could be, i think im slowly losing my flair in thoughts as i am slowly becoming more and more like a mechanically run walking/talking machine with no intention of being one in any way!

pfft, pathetic life.

the past came sweeping by

sometimes, i awake with the nostalgic after taste of something buried under the absurd depth of my memory. pleasant thoughts, sometimes bad. i dont know who i become at times when these beautiful reminiscence recur. i thought they happen just because, to just remind me of the existence of happiness in my life. once before.

what do you do, if happiness that should just remind you becomes reality that comes knocking at your door? what would you do if you were told to choose a path you might have chosen before and regretted?

just, what would you do, if you were me?

better days,y'all

recently, i am not me. just, not, me. i am being a part of here, there and everywhere.

so, instead of wasting that few pathetic minutes of your life looking at the computer screen and thinking of strategies to win the everlasting war, why not look me in the eyes--that few minutes, and make it like the best last few minutes of my life, for me.

dear you...

i adore, but i dont worship

people wont change until they either know enough, or hurt enough.

i think there is some truth in this quote.

we shall pass

...not because

it is better than nothing.

but because

it is better than everything.

...but sometimes you have got to look back and take the time just to think a little bit. about everything.

eleventh one, i know her story

you experience all these things, and they matter, they do; but they dont. i mean, they do but they really dont. it is nice to be my age and look at all of you and hear your conversations about everything happening in your lives. because when you reach the age when you know those thing in the past didnt really matter compared to what is now. i was so young, and so in love.

so young.

i wanna be the person you are scared to lose. but in between all that, i lose myself and i didnt even know. i wont cry. i will just say fuck you and cry.

raindrops&roses

im miles from where you are. i lay down on the cold ground and i, i pray that something picks me up and set me down in your warm arms.

okay, that apart, i think i am looking at my life currently with a different sight. maybe it is a good thing, that i dont dwell in bad things that are happening, and just going ahead with all steam through my days. maybe, just maybe this brings me a new perspective on what i really want in my life.

darling, i thought you give me strength. but no, i think i learnt from you that i have my own hidden strength that i have been deprived of using all these times. and i have them out now. just because you did not truly become my strength. thank goodness for that actually, that i dont just stumble and fall. because without you, and without my realization, i would have. died.

what is important

it is really nice when you talk to someone for the first time and you suddenly feel comfortable and at ease with them.

owh, and dear all, there is no reason you should tolerate other people being mean to you. even if they say they are doing it with love. make sure people know they should be nice to you and if they refuse, walk away from them.

please, always remember that.

it sucks, you know when everything is doing fine, and then it all crashes again. the worst part is, i dont really feel like putting it all back together again.

but i have to.

i.am.confused.

this is not just a crush. what I feel is more than a jumpy feeling when i receive a text from you. it is more than hearing your name and my heart would suddenly skip a beat. i want you to know, that you are someone special. someone that i dont want to lose. someone who makes me look forward to every day.

that happens. and i just wanted you to know.

i am trying to convince myself that, i should keep my distance from now on. i think that if i stay away from you, i will stop assuming and realize that there is nothing really special going on between us. i know it will be hard but if this is the only way to avoid myself from getting hurt, i will try to do it.

tumblr rawks

...sorry for the random rant. but i am in love with my tumblr blog right now. (:

if i keep my distance, will you notice? if i go away, will you come find me? i hate how you change instantly for an unknown reason. dont make me miss the old you, please.

change is a scary thing. everybody around me is changing. i am changing too, only to not realize it myself probably. but it hurts when they are changing not for the better. there are times when one can actually understand what is happening. i just have to look for that moment, of truth.

sometimes, you just sit at home and remember the old times. you laugh by yourself with a ridiculous smirk. then you have that one drop of tear running down your cheeks, because it all changed.

we are all in a circle going round and round and round

i will speak my mind, bluntly, honestly, lovingly, vulgarly. be dumb, embarrassing, pointless posts, and many things you might not approve. yet, if you decide to read this, and you decide you hate me, i dgaf because you know what? you dont actually have to click on this page. you didnt have to sit on your computer facing my posts. you can google anything, and i mean anything at all. if you would like.

first day of work 2011

i think there is a realization in me, at one point, that i have to achieve something better. for myself. when human relationship doesnt satisfy you as much as it was then, materials in life, in turn, provides to that satisfaction. that is when you actually can decide, your own future. maybe yes, i could too. like i always say, if it is meant to be, it will be. so if me being away-for the sake of improving my future and to get things i want without being dependent on another being, endangers our hope of being an item for always, then so be it. at least it proves to me- a tad earlier, that we wont work anyways someday. i really hope it wont happen though. i still secretly (not secret anymore) wish we will have our happily ever after, darling.

i love you.

*big sigh*

1.1.11

hey, i might not be able to heal you but at the very least im good for a laugh before you die.

happy new year 2011, people!

have a great big start in everything!

best wishes, from me to you. (:

paper carousel

i live in the mess you are; i could find out the truth if i just wasnt so blue. hmm, we are drinking in the sunlight, we are seeing if we can believe in the mess we are, conceive in the mess we are find peace in the mess we are...

im a mess.

may i say i loved you more? let's drink to memories we shared. down one to all the hopes and cares. here is two for being unaware that you're gone. because before too long you will be a memory.

tough love; if you dont actually believe, live and act like you are going to get everything you want in the universe then of course you are definitely not going to get it.

depressing melancoly

'angelic sister' she calls me, in the most sarcastic tone. if that is the respect i am getting, hell yea, im taking it in. awkward, but that is what you want.

im sick of carrying my whole world with me all the time. on my back, on my mind, in my heart. it weights my heart down. it has made me heavy. if i dont leave some of it behind, i will end up with a broken back, probably with a broken heart along with it.

blood will never be thinner than water. but that is what it is now. ego takes over the only person that i am legally blood-tied to. but hey, without the realization from deep inside her heart, things could never change. and so be it. i am helpless. go on, that is the way to happiness. i suppose.

this.broken.melody

today, we are one&ahalfyear-old together. rock bottom is where my day began; sat there, waiting for the green light to appear right beside your name, or the blinking orange light when messages came through. well, it wasnt a good sign where we are, but it certainly is true--the whole journey.

yes, i call us, the broken melody. because it sounded right. we were not like the very ideal of partners. we were not in the best situations always. we are just like day&night, sometimes we just dont meet at any point. but we just sound right, together. i dont know how, but after all, we are in love. that is the whole point.

i recalled what he said on christmas eve, just the other day. i secretly embed the whole thing and play it over and over again in my mind like it is the only thing that matters all my life. it will forever be remembered, up until that very day it all becomes my happily-ever-after story. i didnt expect that to come from you, dont know why. but you always seem to give me surprises at times i could not expect. that is good, catching me offguard, but good in terms of making me smile like a lunatic all throughout. even long after that very short moments that will stay on my memory, for life.

i love you, from the bottom of my heart, my gangsta'!

a picture taken on a typical weekend ride. us, for real. no pretense, nothing.

happy 18th monthsary, darling.

one & a half year tomorrow

it is just another day. at work. yes, but for me another day of being a thing is not easy. and for tomorrow, i am giving another big big love to a bigger day (than others, although everyday is such big days for us)

tomorrow, i cant believe we are so far past that one year dot.

let us see what more we can achieve! cheers! xoxo

...with intentions

i suppose you could fill in the word of your desire on the dots in my title.

just thought of sharing this;

Its funny how hello is always accompanied with good-bye

Its funny how remembering good memories can make you cry

Its funny how forever never seems to really last

Its funny how much you’d lose if you forgot your past

Its funny how friends can just leave you when you’re down

Its funny how when you need someone there never around

Its funny how people can change and think there so much better

Its funny how many lies can be packed into one love letter

Its funny how people can forgive even tho they cant forget

Its funny how one night can attain of so much regret

Its funny how crazy and ironic life turns out to be

but the funniest part of all is that none of that seems funny to me.

--Heather Noble

have a really good week, everyone! xoxo

pushy isnt good

how many times do we forgive someone just because we dont wanna lose them, even though they dont deserve our forgiveness?

if i die tonight, i dont want to know that you said you missed me. i dont want my family to know that there are important people in my life that are no longer in my life anymore. remember what i said about taking the wrong path. this might be just one example of what i was referring to. i will know who really misses me when i pass. i know who will always love me. i know people who i will always love in return and who i will always return for. dont cry, if i die tonight. dont scream. dont even think. like when i am living. i think a lot. and that has obviously made me miserable for the longest time. just, live.

gasoline rainbows

i am still so naive; i know pretty much what i like and dislike. but please, dont ask me who i am. a passionate, fragmentary girl, perhaps?

that thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. --Drew Barrymore

floating vibes

eventually, you just give up on everything.

if you really knew me, you would realize im not the girl i was before. i have been hurt, walked all over, used, and rejected. if you really knew me darling, you would know that i trusted you enough to let you into my life.

shut up, people, grow some balls and stop feeding me your words. i dont need a single word you say if it mean nothing to you what it meant to me. i hope you are happy though, poking through other people's life and just trying to make a mess out of happy people around. hmmph.

i think that relying on another person is the worst thing you can do. so i try not to. at the time it might seem like you have finally found the right person to fall back on and put your whole life into, but when they dont want that responsibility anymore everything will just come crashing down.

...just saying.

i do rely on people a lot, and on a lot of different people. i try to act tough, but sometimes at the most inappropriate times. the girl inside of me isnt just going to let me pull through hard times being alone. i just dont want to. i choose to share. what, is that a sin? i think not.

my repertoire, lately.

see i was always taught that boy meets girl

fall in love get married and forgets the world

9 months later, a sweet baby’s on the way

kiss her on the cheek and life OK.

-- anonymous.

i do not understand how, at the most desperate of times i somehow find the strength to cling onto life and simply embrace it. i can suddenly go from the desperation of negativity and hopelessness to the euphoria of optimism and possibility.

isnt that crazy? am i the only one? im always in these situations!

contagious radiation

i am in love with my boyfriend. we have been dating for close to 18 months now. i love him with all my heart, but i am starting to miss the world sometimes, the idea of being out there. i dont know why. i dont know what to do anymore. what is wrong with me and what am i thinking? how can i even be so unaware of the very state that we are in right now, whether it is going through the long haul or not. i am really unsure. he is just so confident with everything, like even when the sky is about to fall off. yea, maybe he might be able to just push everything hell-away with his very big temper and stance, but hey, i dont know if i could go through these days without fearing for the future. seriously.

my boyfriend says

...a lot of things.

some of it makes me fly, some of it makes me wanna just go bang a wall. but things he says, i can smile or cry the whole time thinking about it. it is bad, when i come to think of it. it makes me fear for the worse, and laugh like a hippy. i dont know what is reality and what is a dream anymore, sometimes. he just makes and breaks me.

im giving this whole lot of shit a longer time. for whatever, im not sure. i just want to. i think i just couldnt think of a reason to leave, and that is bad. really.

the me before? pfft. i would bail at the slightest discomfort, the slightest boredom, the slightest annoyance. but this? too much, and yet im going through it all. it is the harshes thing to have ever happen i would say, but i just dont know why.

what the hell ?!

read:one-hello-world

it is one hell of a world out there. we have got to stand firm and prove our points if we were to exist, and not just being. accomplish small tasks as if they were great&noble, everybody!

im nostalgic for the hands which never intertwined and cheeks never blush and feelings never understood, but mostly, for the love that was never shared. i have taken up falling in love with rivers and mountains and other beautiful things when we could not find each other, and then the dreams that i have exploded with words i thought for everything. so many things in life we all could have had interest in. most of us knows things, but not a lot knows most things i realize. it is a scary world out there. there is just too much to know, to learn, to be happy and at the same time afraid of. it shocks me to find out about new things every single day, and it still amazes me.

everything happens for a reason. people change, so you can learn to let go. things go wrong so you can learn to appreciate them when they go right. you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and hopefully your other half, or however that goes. and sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together. this is often said, but not many can actually do and believe just that. i think we might as well just go on living in this hell of a world, good or bad.

endlessly fascinating

i am a bitch.

i have a mouth that will ramble on for days about what i believe, about why you are wrong, about why i am right. i have a mouth that will ramble on about how i should and shouldnt be treated. i have a mentality of a age that is not my own, the number fluctuates like stockmarket. i have the body of a girl. i have a heart of a woman who is loved before, who has been hurt before. i have a mind that has seen this and witnessed that. i have these ears that has heard my crying late at night. i have these eyes, these eyes that have witnessed my own hurting, these eyes that has witnessed my growth, these eyes that have witnessed my success, these eyes that have witnessed everything i have felt, everything i have dealt with physically, verbally, and mentally. i have this heart that has never been broken, but has always been sewn back together. i have these knees that have let me fall but have let me stand all over again. i have these hands that have wiped my tears at night when i thought everything in the world was gone and done with. i am strong which is why i am a bitch. i am sensitive which is why i care so much for things that i bug all the time. i am passionate which is why i put my love into something full force no stopping. i am quiet which is why i have so many thoughts running through my mind because they have not yet to be expressed verbally, only mentally. i am loud when needed because i do not take shit from anyone because i believe i deserve the best. i am insecure but that doesnt mean i am not confident in other ways. i am everything i come off to be and everyone that has hurt me, abandoned me, pushed me away has made me. made me stronger, made me even more of a bitch, made me even more of a person who wont take shit from anyone, and has made me into a person who knows exactly what she is worth.

so, call me a bitch again. shame on you. a bitch is this, and so much more.

kampung days over

there is a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it is not giving up. it is only realizing that you dont need certain people and their crap.

you are going to lose people in your life, no matter what. and i realize no matter how much time you spend with them, or how much you appreciate them or tells them so, it will never seem like it will ever be enough. eventually, people leaves. and you start a new cycle all over again. one thing for sure, being able to have certain people in your life, without the consideration of time and love spent, is a blessing in itself.

there are some people in life that makes you laugh a little louder, smile a little wider, and live a little bit better. no matter how little, it is definitely better!

ps: it has been great having a getaway weekend at the suburb, where it is almost like a whole new world and i get to find/know new stuff almost daily. im blessed to have the best of both worlds, old & new. amen.