skin-deep friendship

often, times when people comment me for holding my head up and showing strength in the face of death and loss, i speculate exactly what it means to be strong. im surviving every day, but what does that survival entail? from the moment i open my eyes each morning to the minute i close them once again, there is only one thing on my mind. distractions are great, sure, but only for the time being. it is only a matter of time before i find myself alone, and thinking about you, once again. i have never been faced with such a significant loss before. friends--that i once had.

so, i guess what im trying to figure out is if the strength you all constantly refer to, is the manner in which i carry myself, or the fact that i have yet to post a video of me sobbing, with make-up running down my cheeks? because i do cry, a lot i guess. late at night, in the middle of the day, any time i can safely shed my tears without troubling those around me. i dont need to tell you guys that every minute i spend crying, or that i cry at all, because i know you guys can feel it through my writing. i would rather you read the good things about us, and feel for yourself the relationship we had.

all a big laugh

i love laughs. the laughs, hearty laughs, happy laughs, ticklish laughs, the whole idea of just laughing.

having a good laugh is really what it takes to break ice, rekindle relationships, to stop a cold war, to, just, live, sometimes.

im happy to have my doses of laugh every day, and more during breaks from work spending time with loved ones. he, in particular, keeps me at the threshold of my wits where it gets exhausting to laugh till you cry and vice versa, most of the times.

rainbows&unicorns

all i have ever wanted was someone who convince me enough for me to trust, to stop me from thinking...

sometimes, i think i have found him, to whatever, i dont know. but he is there, and he is real. although some of the times i get so distraught and on the verge of being torn apart by my own thoughts of everything in my life, i think i am thankful to have problems and blessings that taught me to think many ways round.

yes, call me naive, call me silly. but i still think fairytale exists. well, maybe not the whole technicolor version of it. but the whole idea of what was in the animated world actually happens in real life. thus, the cartoons and all, rigggghttt? maybe just someday, someday i will have my own versions of rainbow and unicorn. going back in time, or going ahead, i dont know. but for sure, it is gonna be a hell of a ride from then on...

i miss talking, so i type!

...sometimes, not being able to be understood by people you loved most is utter disappointment. what i do is i would write my heart out, yes, whole heart like the end of the world! getting better, or not, letting it out and being noticed, or not, makes so much difference. but of course, what is the use of being understood when the person has no intention or whatsoever to try to get near to your soul?

for what is worth

some things are worth ignoring. some things are worth fighting for.

am very afraid for what the future brings. a lot of things that people foresee, are not exactly the best of visions. sigh.

happy times, overshadowed by bad ones?

i count you twice

when i count my blessings, i count you twice.

we all have dreams. we all have insecurities. we all have thoughts we couldnt reveal, happens again, again, and again. we all could always be you and me now, tomorrow, even yesterday, we are all but human.

who would have thought?

...having you is like a very very happy merry-go-round that never stops turning. i hope that happiness lasts as long as we breathe, and forevermore.

this love means so much more than just the kisses and cuddles. it is a representation of how both of us grow up together while being the individuals that we are...

all it takes

...is acceptance actually. in everything. i realize that if i could slowly accept things that i dislike about myself, i could actually be happier and more relaxed about being me. if i could just accept what happens for the mere reasoning of why it happened in the first place, then i would have saved myself the pain of being angry and uptight about it. also, if i would just change whatever that should be changed--for the best, and just accept the rest of whatever that i couldnt change at the very least, it would make a big difference in terms of my own emotions and relationship with people around me.

all of these make sense, i guess there is always price to pay for understanding it now, maybe not sooner (because i need to learn the lessons), and not a lot later ( for it may be too late). but i guess it was all worth it, for the same reason and the only one happiness.

you could say that i have had a list of things that i wished was a lot different for myself. many things were actually illusions and stuff that media exaggerated over the years of me growing up, peer pressure and whats not. but i was glad that somehow i wasnt caught in the worst situations, not yet, and i hope that never happens though, since i am already writing about these now. anyways, i am glad to have had people in my life who were real and constructing to me. thank god.

all it takes, is just for me to open my eyes, and see...

tinggi-tinggi gunung kinabalu

i love kota kinabalu. like really, actually. but then again, i love to explore other possibilities too. and i would love to go out and just bang some walls. lol. it is literally a chinese saying translated like that. hmm, i guess the time will come, when opportunities knock just like it did when i wasnt searching for it and hoping so hard and facing disappointments over disappointments. maybe i should really just wait, and bask in my happiness by the moment...

guitar keys & piano strings

just living is not enough. one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.

-- hans christian andersen

i have been ungrateful a lot of times in my life, but most of the times, i realized is that i am just ranting nonsensical disagreement with my actually colorful life. which is really not very grateful of me. but really, who wouldnt wanna wish for a string of good luck plus many streaks of pure joy all the way through life? i do, love people serenading me with lovely tunes and well, maybe a little sugar coated truths wouldnt hurt. just not let it be lies. different things could be music to the heart for different individuals. different preferences suit different personalities. that is the way it goes. everything is always going to change, but we should know best what makes us content and what makes us unhappy.

for all these, i thank a lot of people and things for always breezing through my hardships, daily struggles, and for just being a pebble i stumble on. it might have been a good thing, even if it has just given me something else to remember a day by...

a day & a night without technology, no, almost!

30th-31st august 2010, a road trip right after work on the 30th! beat that! dead tiring but it was crazy! w hole night of binging and rami and random rants all the way till morning comes! kudat, tip of borneo, trip again! this time we went to kelabu beach, trekked a mysterious island via a sand path that separates two sides of the beach (this is awesome, one side is filled with waves and the other--lake-steady! cool much?!) and had a hell of a time and painful experience for me at the rocky parts of simpang mengayau. all in all, it was HIGH !

normal days isnt as normal when you have the best company. good times last forever in memory. owh well, happy squints, happy yells, pain + sweat+ burns spells fun getaway!

i think that pain should only be felt for a short amount of time. happiness should out number it every day, every way. either one should not be suppressed by any means. ♥ yiktian

ps: got REAL hurt during the trip. wounded and bled a lot. but lots of TLC from him, and everybody makes it all worthwhile. i managed to NOT sulk through the pain. yay me! and the rest of the pics, facebook baby! LOLs

midterm, and doubts

it has been a long way, from graduation, from emotional breakdowns, and from family turmoils. it has been a long way, for us, since we started to run this life as a team. i was so afraid to let myself fall into emotional traps again, but after all these amazing months i couldnt be any happier. i love you, yiktian. yes, there were bad times. there were very hard times in between, but after those things they had only made us stronger, for it is still going on and we are both changed people. inside and out. period. i wanted so much, and i had wasted so much. now it is just endless time, of love and endearments. all that i ask of you, is not promises that should fade with time passed, but of real commitment and faith to make our dreams come true.

i try to take mind-pictures of every moment i could remember, so that i could engrave them deep in my mind and smile and relive them whenever i want to.

looking left, 'stead of right

it is okay. it is okay to want something you cant have. it is okay to want something more. it is okay to cry when you are hurt, and it is okay to stay mad at someone who hurt you. believe it or not, it is always going to be okay. that is just how it works. sometimes things dont work out how you want them to, and most of the time, it seems like they never will. but eventually, everything is going to smooth out some way or another. you just have to believe, keep your faith, and move on.

i still dont understand how i could feel so okay one moment and only to have everything come crashing down the next. it is like the world is playing some cruel joke on me. the horrible thing is that once you realize what it feels like to be happy, sadness is no longer numbness. you can feel it like a giant black hole in your stomach that sucks the life out of you...

birthday '10

9.nine. could it be better than this, and the meaning behind this? if there is forever, it would be a lifetime of love and good times! 26-08-10.

i guess pictures say it all...

birthday eve, mosaic*, Hyatt--KK. 25-08-2010.

happiness + ♥♥♥ = big fat jolly time! i had to thank everybody for everything. nothing fancy-smancy but i guess i was overwhelmed, a bit. big big hugs to all and especially you for these memory i'll carve in my heart for always!

the rest of the week is only more awesome-ness! even being sick couldnt slow me down...

my biggest enemy

...is you!

im in love with the best man i have ever met. but he is also seriously getting on my freakin nerves right now. still, i love you darling...

he is the best, and also the worst kind ever! ...who went all the way in getting my heart and then leaving me to wonder what has gone wrong.

yiktian.is.♥ !

fourletterstory

i teeter totter from verge-of-mental-breakdown to super-perfectionist on a daily basis. ayy, so, i wouldnt say that im put together.

usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. im okay, we say. im alright. but sometimes the truth arrives on you and you cant get it off. that is when you realize that sometimes it isnt even an answer—it is a question. even now, i wonder how much of my life is convinced. i wonder how much of myself is convinced of all that is happening around me. i wonder, if things will ever change between you and me. i wonder if i will meet strangers who gives me a new sense of belonging. do you ever need that answer like i do? do you ever have that kind of longing that you yourself dont even know what it is?

love is weird. it lead me to believe that i am a part of it, and then let me doubt its whole existence all over again. oh, maybe that is what i do. typical me...

does the star have anything to do with this ambiguity of mine? tell me...

this marks the beginning of the end of mediocre me!

guess what, i just recently mentioned about loving my hair being combed through and messed around by somebody, my mommy just did today! all of a sudden she came up with a nice hair styling clip of some sort, and she runs tests, on my hair, and we laughed about some silly shapes and styles that she did-- a little incorrectly with it.

things to do on really event-less times;

i would think to...

put on a pretty dress.
sleep in and cuddle.
read your favorite book.
go out and getting myself free hugs from the dogs
write letters, postcards, post-it-notes.
drink lots of coffee or tea, ice-blended or hot--it doesnt matter.
call somebody, and just be nice.



random stuffs. and i have already done a few. just need to get those stamps on and then the posting. hope things will be more interesting tomorrow and after that and after that and after that...

freedom is self explanatory

sometimes in life we went off course, not knowing where we are standing and where we are heading. the people around you can only hold your hand. it is up to you yourself to hear what your heart is telling you. and sometimes we are required to blindly follow our heart...

if you knew you were gonna die today, would it make any difference?

thunder&lightning

the little quirks are precisely the things that i love. it is our romance, and it is a real romance. wonderful, because all the pieces of me, fit with the pieces of him...

true perfection doesnt exist. nobody is always kind, always fair. there is not a person out there free of physical imperfections such as pimples, wrinkles, scars. but when you fall in love, the one you love becomes perfect in your eyes. that beautiful mark, his ability to sing, his weird way of doing things, his tendency to snore when he sleeps. you dont mind. you embrace these quirks, the blemishes. because put together with everything else, they comprise the one who makes you happiest. who knows you best. who makes you feel like you can do anything you dream of. you are not perfect. the one you are with isnt perfect. but you are perfect together. in your own way. and in love, that is all that matters.

you, are my thunder&lightning darling...

hair, heels, and everything in between

another rant...

i think that make up is a fabulous invention. i love getting dolled up and feeling pretty. though, i believe that make up should never cover up. be proud of your looks and flaunt what you have!

sometimes, i am guilty of the misuse too. it isnt really me, after all those time and effort. so in the end, it is no longer about feeling good about yourself. it is self-torture. so now, yes, i still put make up on. and i still wear sky high heels, if i could. i just hope i dont try too hard and get myself into ugly situations. (i did, and oh-the-embarrassments) but hey, im just a girl, and being a girl these are just some crazy things i do, and to myself, not you!

pep talk

someone will always be prettier. they will always be smarter. their house will always be bigger. they will drive a better car. their children will do better in school, and their husbands will fix more things about the house. so let it go, and love yourself and your circumstances. think about it: the prettiest women in the world have turmoils in their home, and the highly favoured woman at your job may be unable to have children. the richest woman you know, she has got the car, the house, the clothes - might be lonely. and the world says if i have no love, i am nothing. so again, love who you are. look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say i am blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed. winners make things happen; losers let things happen.

.la douleur exquise.

i want to be with a guy i can engage in intellectual, deep conversations with. i need a guy from the movies. but guys like that dont exist in real life.

they really dont. but sometimes, if you are lucky enough, you find something better than the movies. love exists, i promise you that. just have patience and dont go looking for it. once you stop searching, love falls right into your lap. until then, have fun, and dont take anything too seriously. it is only life...

that girl

i know this girl, he said, “and she is beautiful but she doesnt know it. she is funny, she is a cool person to hang out with, she holds deep conversation, she knows how to take a joke, and when she smiles her eyes get so chinky and it is so cute. sometimes she is really slow and clumsy and she always seems to hurt herself somehow. but I like her stupidity, it makes my day. And when she’s upset, she can’t ever hide it no matter how hard she tries. she has this laugh that is quite addictive, it will make you want to laugh along with her. she is always laughing and smiling, she is like a ray of warm sunshine that melts my heart. i love everything about her. her scent, her likes and dislikes, the way she complains, the cute logo tee she wears, and her modesty. what i do wish for her to change is her lack of self confidence, a girl like her should believe in herself. she would do anything to make her friends and other people gain confidence and feel good about herself but what she doesnt know if that she deserves more credit than she gives herself. one day, i hope she looks in the mirror and see what i see - her flawless beauty. "

-- ming liu

dont you just melt when someone say this whole shit to you? awww.......

girly thought

dont spend every moment arguing with the ones you love,

it just might be the last moment you will share.

-- quote.

ever since i was small i loved feeling somebody comb my hair. mommy used to do it everyday back when i was schooling. it made me go all sleepy and peaceful and loved. were there anything that you loved about your childhood, being the girl or the boy that you are? do you sometimes think about it and missed doing the same things again every now and then?

unforeseen circumstances

i actually wonder if all everybody does is actually sincere. are you sincere? is it all real? i wonder about a lot of things, yes, up until today. i wonder, and i still ask a hell load of questions.

to me, my illusions on self-confidence have answered several questions on why smart people think highly of themselves. on why athletic people are mainly proud (and some, too proud) of their physical appearance capabilities. on why model-like women carry their head up high as if they are giraffes looking at the vast horizon, and on why the creative and the misunderstood tend to concoct things for their fulfillment. confidence is finding something to love about yourself. in my case, not so much about myself at all. as conceited and pitiful as it may sound, i create things around myself to love.

...and that, creates my self-confidence, and happiness.

all month long

i wanted to memorize every detail, play it back in slow motion, and make it last forever.

we loved with a love that was more than love.

-Edgar Allan Poe

there are no perfect relationships. love doesnt exist the way it is depicted in the movies. love, as portrayed in film, is a fallacy. an illusion. this is, perhaps, the best explanation for our constant disappointment and failed relationships - our persistence to obtain something that just doesnt exist. no relationship is perfect, because no living being is perfect. try as we may, we will never find that guy who says all the right things at exactly the right time, every time. love is not perfect, and i believe with fiber of my being that every argument, every fight, and every word exchanged between two people contributes to their growth as a couple. with every fight, you learn more about yourself, about him/her, and about your relationship together. together, you establish boundaries, lines that cannot be crossed, and just how far you can push another person before realizing you share their pain. every tear shed not only contributes to the progression of your relationship, but also the growth of yourself. through all of this, you will learn the pain is simply a reminder of just how strong your love is. if it wasnt love, it wouldnt make a difference. it wouldnt matter. no pain, no gain? pfft.

but i will have a little confession to make. i love you, and you are as perfect as i think you to be. your love gives me hope to something better...

blinder than black

i could write a love story and try to convince every single reader that i know what i am talking about. but the truth is, when it comes to love, nobody knows what they are talking about.

there was a single thought in my head : keep thinking. thinking would keep me alive. but now that im alive, thinking is killing me. thinking, the mind, to be specific, is border-less. you could think until the end of time and there would still be more to think about...

i found, YOU!

i found somebody that i could annoy--purposely&permanently, my whole life. and you, darling, are the lucky one!

list of things to do : make a new to-do list!

career--happiness--love--family

(not in any particular order...yet) pfft. i think happiness alone already concluded ALL of the mentioned!

bright lights

you and i, my darling, we are gonna have a big love affair and it might not work but somewhere along the way we would have created history and lots of memories and at least we could tell the world that we have tried. the best part is, these things last longer than you and i added up living. if forever exists, it is there probably forever and more.

chasing skies

at this point, the sky doesnt seem so high anymore. we both seem to be cruising on the freeway, heading somewhere between reality and fairytale. it might end someday, or not, but gosh...we have tried! all that we have been through, is nothing close to what is said and done in fictions. it is a story, real and all that craze.

work has always been a reality checkpoint for me day after day, knowing that i am grounded by something of this life and not merely a dream. everyday, no matter how i feel i get up, get dressed up, and i show up. well, there may be a few exclusions on those extra lazy days when i just feel dead. well, yea, i have lots of those days and that might just kill this career thing someday. now, im gonna wait and wait and wait, no, probably work things out, and then wait. the best is yet to come!

yiktian, you are my superstar!

food for thoughts

never be embarrassed of who you hang out with, or what you do in your free time, or the kind of movies or books you enjoy etc. because no one should or can ever judge you based on what makes you happy. they have no place to for it is your life. but trust me, if you brush them off and dont let them get to you, you will be sure as hell more happier than they are.

bloody

i always prepare for the worst. it so happens that my mind imagines stuff that is so over-the-top sometimes that it makes me cringe at the very vague image. call me paranoid, or even silly, but it is the way i deal with situations, for a while now. every single thing has a worse scenario, in my mind. whether or not it happens, is entirely another thing. for one, i believe that it is a psychology thing having to have a head start when dealing with all things unpredictable. maybe it is a positive mentality, but i figured it could send out negative vibes to those who doesnt understand it about you. people might just call you emo, or maybe says that you think too much. but you cant help it sometimes when you even do it unconsciously...


blardy hell.

short-term memory

maybe i should write out my thoughts more often. but sometimes im thinking a million amazing things at once and then suddenly i remember that i have dark chocolate in the freezer and then my whole thought process collapses and life is all about this dark chocolate.

impermanence

i think that grace and elegance is in the way a girl portrays herself and not shown through status and wealth. i think a comfortable dose of girlishness would go a long way for a miss. being pretty and having closets of pretty things can only get you so much, but not more than what beautiful personality and having a class and pride of being yourself. having said that, i, still have a lot more to learn. knowing people, and learning through experiences all this while, i have had better picture of how to treat myself and others better. well, of course the initial intention is to treat people worthy of good and equal treatment, but why degrade yourself by judging others of their worth? why degrade? i think there is only a thin line separating being judgmental and hypocrisy, thus degrading yourself to that standard of opinion. and so, treating (generally)people with good intentions should be practiced always, but not to the extend of hurting yourself. so therefore, we have got to at least set a limit to not be going overboard on being nice sometimes. these things tend to be taken for granted by some. by saying people who are worthy or not, i dont mean people who are of benefit to you or such. what i am saying is just a my way of generally labeling people who will appreciate your good deed, or not. that, is of course for each individual to decide.

the first thing to understand about the universe is that no condition is good or bad. it just is. so stop making value judgments. the second thing to know is that all conditions are temporary. nothing stays the same, nothing remains static. which way a thing changes depends on you. i think we are like a candle. imagine we are sending light out all around us. all our words, thoughts and actions are going in many directions. if we say something kind, our kind words go in many directions, and we ourselves go with them.

by the way, here is a random comment im posting here with this post. i really love this scent. i think if you love flowery sensual fragrance, this is a must-get! love love love! :)

ps: i MUSt get this. but it is pretty darn expensive. sigh.

wonderwall

i wonder too much. i wonder about everything. i wonder what you did today. i wonder what my dogs are thinking. i wonder if i will go under the sun today. i wonder if something life altering will happen soon. i wonder if you have dreams like i do. i wonder if i will die old. i wonder if i will meet my second half before that and live through to old age. i wonder how i will look when i am fifty years old. i wonder (and believe) if true love exists. i wonder if your bed is comfier than mine. i wonder if i will eventually travel a lot, not only my mind. i wonder what perfection is to you. i wonder if i could ever get myself to go skydiving, and i wonder if you would go with me. i wonder why things and people die so suddenly. i wonder (sometimes) why things end so slowly. i wonder if life is really meaningful as what i believe. i wonder if the end is just the end. i wonder if aliens have emotions like us. i wonder if i am annoying. i wonder why i care, though. i wonder if you do, too. i wonder how many jellybeans i can fit in my bag. i wonder how old the tree outside my window is. i wonder what it is like to be a bird. i wonder what it would be like to not be able to recognize faces.

i wonder
i wonder
i wonder

what it is like not to wonder so much...

all the talking

the truth is hard. the truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. i mean, people think they want the truth. but do they really? the truth is painful. deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. and sometimes we tell the truth because we just cant help ourselves. sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.


at the end of the day, there are some things you just cant help but talk about. some things we just dont want to hear, and some things we say because we cant be silent any longer. some things are more than what you say, they are what you do. some things you say cause there is no other choice. some things you keep to yourself. and not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.


sometimes there is nothing to say. sometimes silence expresses more than words. picking up the phone, dialing a number, it can do more damage than good. but humans are afflicted with this obsessive desire to talk things to death. so we make things worse, just by trying to make it better.

some people just dont understand a conversation. some people just choose to not understand. we all have useless talks, and stupid conversations before.

i just hope you are not just here for all these. i want meaningful conversations. i wish to have deeper conversations with you.

a little conscience

people said i have changed so much. well here is the honest truth, i grew up. i stopped letting people push me around, i learned that you cant always be happy; i accepted reality. once you figure out who you are and what you love about yourself, i think everything else just falls into place.


note to self ;

...so today you found out your life is not the same. not quite as perfect as it was yesterday. i know it hurts and i know you feel torn. but you never gave up this easily before. so why do you choose today to give it all away?

sometimes, if i get confused i choose to close my eyes, and try to listen to my heart. my heart may be on the left, but it is always right.

a rant

i dont think that you understand, like, really comprehend this. im not over-exaggerating, im not saying it just to say it, and i sure as hell am not lying. there isnt anyone else who crosses my mind right now because all i want is you. but I guess when i really think about it, it always comes down to me and you. you have my whole heart for better or for worse. you are the one i have feelings for and no other person could even measure up.

i might be wearing my emotions on my sleeves. or maybe i dont. but you must understand that im not just a comfort pillow. im for real. though, even with all these, i have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and lost of interest.

so where do i stand?

you tell me...

second half of the year

...in fact, we have our own lives to live. why bother with petty things people say? they dont know what everybody else is struggling for and yet they are struggling to circulate their stories to other unknowing people. such nuisance and hypocrites.

remember, to never be like them...

388

no matter how many plans we make or steps we follow, we never know how our day is going to end up. we would prefer to know, of course, what curveballs will be thrown our way. it is the accidents that always turn out to be the most interesting parts of our day, the people we never expected to show up, a turn of events we never would have chose for ourselves. all of a sudden you find yourself somewhere you never expected to be and it is nice, or it takes some getting used to. still, maybe you will find yourself appreciating it somewhere down the line. so you go to sleep each night thinking about tomorrow, going over your plans, preparing for them, and hoping that whatever accidents come your way will be happy ones.

today, is another happy day.

388th day.

just because.

unconscious emotions

all my life, i have been in love with the sky. even when everything was falling apart around me, the sky was always there for me.

maybe that is just growing up. when you are young, you tell yourself things like well, if it didnt work out, it wasnt meant to be as if that actually meant something, just because it sounds like it does. i think you can say something like that so blithely because you expect to stumble onto something else just as wonderful just around the next bend in the road. but people are rare, perfect, unique things, and just because everyone really does live a life full of farewells doesnt mean you shouldnt at least realize what it really means to say goodbye to something that meant everything. just because you will survive and get over it doesnt mean you should let it go.

i must inform you, that i am a very sad person. i am always thinking about everything. im constantly smiling, but like everybody else i am always unconsciously worried all the time, about things happening around me. some of these times, it is really none of my business at all. but it bothers me all the same. so i am always sad, i think. perhaps this signifies that i am not sad at all, because sadness is something lower than your normal disposition, and i am always the same thing. perhaps i am the only person in the world, then, who never becomes sad. perhaps i am lucky.

jumping line

...encouraging talks, the occasional happiness boosts, constant companionship, true from-the-heart-care,i think of these and more from a previous memory. always, when things arent right, why focus on the bads? i figure we really dont have much time to dwell on the negatives.

girl stuff

such a cute combination! i like : )

commemorate me

you dont deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you.

move on

my heart was rife with the joy of life,
for I loved you even then.

-- anonymous

one day you might just explode. thousands of particles in the air. vanish from all the lives of the people you know. embark on a fresh new start.


never look back.


...sometimes i feel like i just want to crawl into a ball for a few years.

love is you and i.

we're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions. moral choices. some are on a grand scale, but most of these choices are on lesser points. but we define ourselves by the choices we make.we are, in fact, the sum total of our choices.events unfold so unpredictably and unfairly that human happiness doesnt seem to have been included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our ability to love that gives meaning to an indifferent universe. and yet most human beings have the ability to keep trying and even to find joy in the simple things. their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.

--Woody Allen



love is the scars on your knees, the leftover food in the refrigerator, the song the birds sing, the pain you inflict, the sweet nothingness which flutters from your lover's mouth, a half-complete cigarette, coke which fizzles on your tongue, the rainbow sprinkles on your cupcake, the pattered package you received in the mail the other day, the sound of wind escaping through a small gap in your window, the dampness in your hair, the chipped red varnish on your fingernails, your grandmother's musical box, the ballet shoes you have had since you were five, the music playing on your car stereo, the flaky paint on your walls, the bubblegum stuck under desks, your hands and the things you can make with them, the kisses you blow, the clothes you wear, 5 am morning breath, your sensitive teeth, the tingly feeling you get when you get touched at certain parts of your body, the tangles in your lover's hair, sleepless nights, overdosing on laughter, undeserved success and recognition, telling lies and not getting caught, clacking out from consuming too much food, being desired by multiple parties, solving a mathematical problem, watching the people around you, smudged mascara, disheveled hair, the coffee and ham you digest on a daily basis, innocence of little children, silence, recyclable materials, trees, photosynthesis, growth, development...

no. love is you, i and a careless mixture of everything else we worry about.

smother me, please.

let me be the one who calls you baby all the time.
surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine.

-- smother me, by the used.

have you moved on?

i find it so hard to come to terms with the fact that life goes on. tragedy happens, but does life really go on?

the world doesnt stop spinning, so i guess so.

but there is something so insensitive about the whole idea to me.

the world should stop spinning for a bit for those who could not keep up and need some time to rest in calm serenity.

are we, we?

can this be real?

can this be true?

am i the person i was this morning?

and are you the same you?

11:11

i miss you.

i just wish you’d start being sweet all over again. and win me back. just for me. and really from you. i wish for t h i s.

ps: two more minutes, exactly, but owh well. it's the thought that counts right? sigh.

which are you?

till the end

when im young, everything feels like the end of the world. well, maybe not just me. but it is actually not like that. not even close. it is only just the beginning!

these doubt thingie

there is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt.
doubt separates people.
it is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations.
it is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.

-- buddha

the worst battle that everybody needs to face, is between what you know and what you feel. that is exactly what i experience every freakin waking moment ! do you?

penny for the thought

the secret isnt to find someone you love spending time with, i love spending time with a lot of people. the secret isnt to find someone that you find attractive. i find a lot of people attractive for many different reasons. the secret isnt to find someone who is nice, there are tons of nice people in the world.

the secret is to find someone who wants exactly what you want. someone who is ready to give you all they have got, and in turn be ready to accept all the love you have to give. the world is filled with people in relationship teeter-totters of “loves you more” , “i have to act mean so they will like me back” or “i am just not ready”. please do not waste any more of your precious time. you are an amazing creature. you deserve to be loved until your insides melt. dont give up on all the things you want. when you meet the right person you will have zero doubt in your mind. zero.

-- Keltie Colleen

ps: i have a lot of love to give. A LOT. i still have doubts. means you are not the one ?

is it so?

the best thing in life is finding someone who knows all of your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks that you are completely amazing.

have you found your amazing, or someone who thinks you are amazing?

a love note

yiktian,

the way you make me feel is unlike anything i have ever experienced before. you make me feel like im dying and flying and living and that my heart just stopped beating but yet is pumping 90mph all in one moment. you make me feel invincible but vulnerable. weak, but like nothing could ever bring me down. you make me feel like im free and yet trapped by your every move. you leave me breathless and yet are the only thing that keeps me still breathing. you control my every thought, movement, heart beat. you have got me, all of me. that is all i can give.

weikwan.

sixth day, sixth sense

already july the sixth! how time flies! half a year gone just like that. and i am not getting any younger like this moment, in the next. and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.

if you realized how powerful your thoughts are,
you would never think a negative thought.
-- Peace Pilgrim

today, i feel blue. so i had decided to share a list of things here -- Lessons From Life, by 90-year-old Regina Brett. here goes;

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

xoxo

yiktianweikwan

hen's night

stephanie's hen's night was simple yet fun. it was a small gathering of old friends with a twist, to be an unforgettable night for her to let loose and all that. it was all safe, and just a small intimate celebration. another one of my friend is tying the knot. for me, it is excitement and joy going to weddings and all. i dont know how mine will be, that one day, i hope it will be a sweet one.


if i could explain love in one word,


it would have to be trust. 
trust that he doesnt cheat on you, trust that he doesnt lie to
 you, trust that he really likes you, trust that he will always be
 there for you, trust that he can go to a party and not get high 
or drunk, trust that you dont have to worry about him breaking 
up with you the second you wake up, trust that he will stick up 
for you, trust that he will never fall in love with another,
 trust that he wont just get sick of you, and trust that he
 wants you like you want him.

smell the air

simple things are the most valuable
and
only wise people appreciate them
-- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

when you are unhappy, i guess everything in the world -- be it reading, eating, sleeping etc has something buried somewhere inside it that just makes you all the more unhappier. there used to be people, things that tries hard to make me happy every day. now it is me trying to make myself happy living in my own flesh&bones. sometimes i think too much, yes, but not thinking makes me even more blue then i have always been.

at least, when i think, i could make up stories in my head that tries to stop myself from seeing&believing in negativity.

who are you?

everybody has three lives each. a public life, a private life, and a secret life. this quote by i-dont-know-who really stops me dead on track. have you ever wonder why people actually gossip? why are there rumors? well, i dont mean anything bad here but i just think, sometimes, that there is a lot of stories behind everyone of us. it isnt easy being somebody, but somebody with an actual life has more than just a name and a dna.