unforeseen circumstances

i actually wonder if all everybody does is actually sincere. are you sincere? is it all real? i wonder about a lot of things, yes, up until today. i wonder, and i still ask a hell load of questions.

to me, my illusions on self-confidence have answered several questions on why smart people think highly of themselves. on why athletic people are mainly proud (and some, too proud) of their physical appearance capabilities. on why model-like women carry their head up high as if they are giraffes looking at the vast horizon, and on why the creative and the misunderstood tend to concoct things for their fulfillment. confidence is finding something to love about yourself. in my case, not so much about myself at all. as conceited and pitiful as it may sound, i create things around myself to love.

...and that, creates my self-confidence, and happiness.

all month long

i wanted to memorize every detail, play it back in slow motion, and make it last forever.

we loved with a love that was more than love.

-Edgar Allan Poe

there are no perfect relationships. love doesnt exist the way it is depicted in the movies. love, as portrayed in film, is a fallacy. an illusion. this is, perhaps, the best explanation for our constant disappointment and failed relationships - our persistence to obtain something that just doesnt exist. no relationship is perfect, because no living being is perfect. try as we may, we will never find that guy who says all the right things at exactly the right time, every time. love is not perfect, and i believe with fiber of my being that every argument, every fight, and every word exchanged between two people contributes to their growth as a couple. with every fight, you learn more about yourself, about him/her, and about your relationship together. together, you establish boundaries, lines that cannot be crossed, and just how far you can push another person before realizing you share their pain. every tear shed not only contributes to the progression of your relationship, but also the growth of yourself. through all of this, you will learn the pain is simply a reminder of just how strong your love is. if it wasnt love, it wouldnt make a difference. it wouldnt matter. no pain, no gain? pfft.

but i will have a little confession to make. i love you, and you are as perfect as i think you to be. your love gives me hope to something better...

blinder than black

i could write a love story and try to convince every single reader that i know what i am talking about. but the truth is, when it comes to love, nobody knows what they are talking about.

there was a single thought in my head : keep thinking. thinking would keep me alive. but now that im alive, thinking is killing me. thinking, the mind, to be specific, is border-less. you could think until the end of time and there would still be more to think about...

i found, YOU!

i found somebody that i could annoy--purposely&permanently, my whole life. and you, darling, are the lucky one!

list of things to do : make a new to-do list!

career--happiness--love--family

(not in any particular order...yet) pfft. i think happiness alone already concluded ALL of the mentioned!

bright lights

you and i, my darling, we are gonna have a big love affair and it might not work but somewhere along the way we would have created history and lots of memories and at least we could tell the world that we have tried. the best part is, these things last longer than you and i added up living. if forever exists, it is there probably forever and more.

chasing skies

at this point, the sky doesnt seem so high anymore. we both seem to be cruising on the freeway, heading somewhere between reality and fairytale. it might end someday, or not, but gosh...we have tried! all that we have been through, is nothing close to what is said and done in fictions. it is a story, real and all that craze.

work has always been a reality checkpoint for me day after day, knowing that i am grounded by something of this life and not merely a dream. everyday, no matter how i feel i get up, get dressed up, and i show up. well, there may be a few exclusions on those extra lazy days when i just feel dead. well, yea, i have lots of those days and that might just kill this career thing someday. now, im gonna wait and wait and wait, no, probably work things out, and then wait. the best is yet to come!

yiktian, you are my superstar!

food for thoughts

never be embarrassed of who you hang out with, or what you do in your free time, or the kind of movies or books you enjoy etc. because no one should or can ever judge you based on what makes you happy. they have no place to for it is your life. but trust me, if you brush them off and dont let them get to you, you will be sure as hell more happier than they are.

bloody

i always prepare for the worst. it so happens that my mind imagines stuff that is so over-the-top sometimes that it makes me cringe at the very vague image. call me paranoid, or even silly, but it is the way i deal with situations, for a while now. every single thing has a worse scenario, in my mind. whether or not it happens, is entirely another thing. for one, i believe that it is a psychology thing having to have a head start when dealing with all things unpredictable. maybe it is a positive mentality, but i figured it could send out negative vibes to those who doesnt understand it about you. people might just call you emo, or maybe says that you think too much. but you cant help it sometimes when you even do it unconsciously...


blardy hell.

short-term memory

maybe i should write out my thoughts more often. but sometimes im thinking a million amazing things at once and then suddenly i remember that i have dark chocolate in the freezer and then my whole thought process collapses and life is all about this dark chocolate.

impermanence

i think that grace and elegance is in the way a girl portrays herself and not shown through status and wealth. i think a comfortable dose of girlishness would go a long way for a miss. being pretty and having closets of pretty things can only get you so much, but not more than what beautiful personality and having a class and pride of being yourself. having said that, i, still have a lot more to learn. knowing people, and learning through experiences all this while, i have had better picture of how to treat myself and others better. well, of course the initial intention is to treat people worthy of good and equal treatment, but why degrade yourself by judging others of their worth? why degrade? i think there is only a thin line separating being judgmental and hypocrisy, thus degrading yourself to that standard of opinion. and so, treating (generally)people with good intentions should be practiced always, but not to the extend of hurting yourself. so therefore, we have got to at least set a limit to not be going overboard on being nice sometimes. these things tend to be taken for granted by some. by saying people who are worthy or not, i dont mean people who are of benefit to you or such. what i am saying is just a my way of generally labeling people who will appreciate your good deed, or not. that, is of course for each individual to decide.

the first thing to understand about the universe is that no condition is good or bad. it just is. so stop making value judgments. the second thing to know is that all conditions are temporary. nothing stays the same, nothing remains static. which way a thing changes depends on you. i think we are like a candle. imagine we are sending light out all around us. all our words, thoughts and actions are going in many directions. if we say something kind, our kind words go in many directions, and we ourselves go with them.

by the way, here is a random comment im posting here with this post. i really love this scent. i think if you love flowery sensual fragrance, this is a must-get! love love love! :)

ps: i MUSt get this. but it is pretty darn expensive. sigh.

wonderwall

i wonder too much. i wonder about everything. i wonder what you did today. i wonder what my dogs are thinking. i wonder if i will go under the sun today. i wonder if something life altering will happen soon. i wonder if you have dreams like i do. i wonder if i will die old. i wonder if i will meet my second half before that and live through to old age. i wonder how i will look when i am fifty years old. i wonder (and believe) if true love exists. i wonder if your bed is comfier than mine. i wonder if i will eventually travel a lot, not only my mind. i wonder what perfection is to you. i wonder if i could ever get myself to go skydiving, and i wonder if you would go with me. i wonder why things and people die so suddenly. i wonder (sometimes) why things end so slowly. i wonder if life is really meaningful as what i believe. i wonder if the end is just the end. i wonder if aliens have emotions like us. i wonder if i am annoying. i wonder why i care, though. i wonder if you do, too. i wonder how many jellybeans i can fit in my bag. i wonder how old the tree outside my window is. i wonder what it is like to be a bird. i wonder what it would be like to not be able to recognize faces.

i wonder
i wonder
i wonder

what it is like not to wonder so much...

all the talking

the truth is hard. the truth is awkward and very often the truth hurts. i mean, people think they want the truth. but do they really? the truth is painful. deep down, nobody wants to hear it, especially when it hits close to home. sometimes we tell the truth because the truth is all we have to give. sometimes we tell the truth because we need to say it out loud to hear it for ourselves. and sometimes we tell the truth because we just cant help ourselves. sometimes, we tell them because we owe them at least that much.


at the end of the day, there are some things you just cant help but talk about. some things we just dont want to hear, and some things we say because we cant be silent any longer. some things are more than what you say, they are what you do. some things you say cause there is no other choice. some things you keep to yourself. and not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.


sometimes there is nothing to say. sometimes silence expresses more than words. picking up the phone, dialing a number, it can do more damage than good. but humans are afflicted with this obsessive desire to talk things to death. so we make things worse, just by trying to make it better.

some people just dont understand a conversation. some people just choose to not understand. we all have useless talks, and stupid conversations before.

i just hope you are not just here for all these. i want meaningful conversations. i wish to have deeper conversations with you.

a little conscience

people said i have changed so much. well here is the honest truth, i grew up. i stopped letting people push me around, i learned that you cant always be happy; i accepted reality. once you figure out who you are and what you love about yourself, i think everything else just falls into place.


note to self ;

...so today you found out your life is not the same. not quite as perfect as it was yesterday. i know it hurts and i know you feel torn. but you never gave up this easily before. so why do you choose today to give it all away?

sometimes, if i get confused i choose to close my eyes, and try to listen to my heart. my heart may be on the left, but it is always right.

a rant

i dont think that you understand, like, really comprehend this. im not over-exaggerating, im not saying it just to say it, and i sure as hell am not lying. there isnt anyone else who crosses my mind right now because all i want is you. but I guess when i really think about it, it always comes down to me and you. you have my whole heart for better or for worse. you are the one i have feelings for and no other person could even measure up.

i might be wearing my emotions on my sleeves. or maybe i dont. but you must understand that im not just a comfort pillow. im for real. though, even with all these, i have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and lost of interest.

so where do i stand?

you tell me...

second half of the year

...in fact, we have our own lives to live. why bother with petty things people say? they dont know what everybody else is struggling for and yet they are struggling to circulate their stories to other unknowing people. such nuisance and hypocrites.

remember, to never be like them...

388

no matter how many plans we make or steps we follow, we never know how our day is going to end up. we would prefer to know, of course, what curveballs will be thrown our way. it is the accidents that always turn out to be the most interesting parts of our day, the people we never expected to show up, a turn of events we never would have chose for ourselves. all of a sudden you find yourself somewhere you never expected to be and it is nice, or it takes some getting used to. still, maybe you will find yourself appreciating it somewhere down the line. so you go to sleep each night thinking about tomorrow, going over your plans, preparing for them, and hoping that whatever accidents come your way will be happy ones.

today, is another happy day.

388th day.

just because.

unconscious emotions

all my life, i have been in love with the sky. even when everything was falling apart around me, the sky was always there for me.

maybe that is just growing up. when you are young, you tell yourself things like well, if it didnt work out, it wasnt meant to be as if that actually meant something, just because it sounds like it does. i think you can say something like that so blithely because you expect to stumble onto something else just as wonderful just around the next bend in the road. but people are rare, perfect, unique things, and just because everyone really does live a life full of farewells doesnt mean you shouldnt at least realize what it really means to say goodbye to something that meant everything. just because you will survive and get over it doesnt mean you should let it go.

i must inform you, that i am a very sad person. i am always thinking about everything. im constantly smiling, but like everybody else i am always unconsciously worried all the time, about things happening around me. some of these times, it is really none of my business at all. but it bothers me all the same. so i am always sad, i think. perhaps this signifies that i am not sad at all, because sadness is something lower than your normal disposition, and i am always the same thing. perhaps i am the only person in the world, then, who never becomes sad. perhaps i am lucky.

jumping line

...encouraging talks, the occasional happiness boosts, constant companionship, true from-the-heart-care,i think of these and more from a previous memory. always, when things arent right, why focus on the bads? i figure we really dont have much time to dwell on the negatives.

girl stuff

such a cute combination! i like : )

commemorate me

you dont deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you.

move on

my heart was rife with the joy of life,
for I loved you even then.

-- anonymous

one day you might just explode. thousands of particles in the air. vanish from all the lives of the people you know. embark on a fresh new start.


never look back.


...sometimes i feel like i just want to crawl into a ball for a few years.

love is you and i.

we're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions. moral choices. some are on a grand scale, but most of these choices are on lesser points. but we define ourselves by the choices we make.we are, in fact, the sum total of our choices.events unfold so unpredictably and unfairly that human happiness doesnt seem to have been included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our ability to love that gives meaning to an indifferent universe. and yet most human beings have the ability to keep trying and even to find joy in the simple things. their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.

--Woody Allen



love is the scars on your knees, the leftover food in the refrigerator, the song the birds sing, the pain you inflict, the sweet nothingness which flutters from your lover's mouth, a half-complete cigarette, coke which fizzles on your tongue, the rainbow sprinkles on your cupcake, the pattered package you received in the mail the other day, the sound of wind escaping through a small gap in your window, the dampness in your hair, the chipped red varnish on your fingernails, your grandmother's musical box, the ballet shoes you have had since you were five, the music playing on your car stereo, the flaky paint on your walls, the bubblegum stuck under desks, your hands and the things you can make with them, the kisses you blow, the clothes you wear, 5 am morning breath, your sensitive teeth, the tingly feeling you get when you get touched at certain parts of your body, the tangles in your lover's hair, sleepless nights, overdosing on laughter, undeserved success and recognition, telling lies and not getting caught, clacking out from consuming too much food, being desired by multiple parties, solving a mathematical problem, watching the people around you, smudged mascara, disheveled hair, the coffee and ham you digest on a daily basis, innocence of little children, silence, recyclable materials, trees, photosynthesis, growth, development...

no. love is you, i and a careless mixture of everything else we worry about.

smother me, please.

let me be the one who calls you baby all the time.
surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine.

-- smother me, by the used.

have you moved on?

i find it so hard to come to terms with the fact that life goes on. tragedy happens, but does life really go on?

the world doesnt stop spinning, so i guess so.

but there is something so insensitive about the whole idea to me.

the world should stop spinning for a bit for those who could not keep up and need some time to rest in calm serenity.

are we, we?

can this be real?

can this be true?

am i the person i was this morning?

and are you the same you?

11:11

i miss you.

i just wish you’d start being sweet all over again. and win me back. just for me. and really from you. i wish for t h i s.

ps: two more minutes, exactly, but owh well. it's the thought that counts right? sigh.

which are you?

till the end

when im young, everything feels like the end of the world. well, maybe not just me. but it is actually not like that. not even close. it is only just the beginning!

these doubt thingie

there is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt.
doubt separates people.
it is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations.
it is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.

-- buddha

the worst battle that everybody needs to face, is between what you know and what you feel. that is exactly what i experience every freakin waking moment ! do you?

penny for the thought

the secret isnt to find someone you love spending time with, i love spending time with a lot of people. the secret isnt to find someone that you find attractive. i find a lot of people attractive for many different reasons. the secret isnt to find someone who is nice, there are tons of nice people in the world.

the secret is to find someone who wants exactly what you want. someone who is ready to give you all they have got, and in turn be ready to accept all the love you have to give. the world is filled with people in relationship teeter-totters of “loves you more” , “i have to act mean so they will like me back” or “i am just not ready”. please do not waste any more of your precious time. you are an amazing creature. you deserve to be loved until your insides melt. dont give up on all the things you want. when you meet the right person you will have zero doubt in your mind. zero.

-- Keltie Colleen

ps: i have a lot of love to give. A LOT. i still have doubts. means you are not the one ?

is it so?

the best thing in life is finding someone who knows all of your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks that you are completely amazing.

have you found your amazing, or someone who thinks you are amazing?

a love note

yiktian,

the way you make me feel is unlike anything i have ever experienced before. you make me feel like im dying and flying and living and that my heart just stopped beating but yet is pumping 90mph all in one moment. you make me feel invincible but vulnerable. weak, but like nothing could ever bring me down. you make me feel like im free and yet trapped by your every move. you leave me breathless and yet are the only thing that keeps me still breathing. you control my every thought, movement, heart beat. you have got me, all of me. that is all i can give.

weikwan.

sixth day, sixth sense

already july the sixth! how time flies! half a year gone just like that. and i am not getting any younger like this moment, in the next. and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.

if you realized how powerful your thoughts are,
you would never think a negative thought.
-- Peace Pilgrim

today, i feel blue. so i had decided to share a list of things here -- Lessons From Life, by 90-year-old Regina Brett. here goes;

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch!
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

xoxo

yiktianweikwan

hen's night

stephanie's hen's night was simple yet fun. it was a small gathering of old friends with a twist, to be an unforgettable night for her to let loose and all that. it was all safe, and just a small intimate celebration. another one of my friend is tying the knot. for me, it is excitement and joy going to weddings and all. i dont know how mine will be, that one day, i hope it will be a sweet one.


if i could explain love in one word,


it would have to be trust. 
trust that he doesnt cheat on you, trust that he doesnt lie to
 you, trust that he really likes you, trust that he will always be
 there for you, trust that he can go to a party and not get high 
or drunk, trust that you dont have to worry about him breaking 
up with you the second you wake up, trust that he will stick up 
for you, trust that he will never fall in love with another,
 trust that he wont just get sick of you, and trust that he
 wants you like you want him.

smell the air

simple things are the most valuable
and
only wise people appreciate them
-- Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

when you are unhappy, i guess everything in the world -- be it reading, eating, sleeping etc has something buried somewhere inside it that just makes you all the more unhappier. there used to be people, things that tries hard to make me happy every day. now it is me trying to make myself happy living in my own flesh&bones. sometimes i think too much, yes, but not thinking makes me even more blue then i have always been.

at least, when i think, i could make up stories in my head that tries to stop myself from seeing&believing in negativity.

who are you?

everybody has three lives each. a public life, a private life, and a secret life. this quote by i-dont-know-who really stops me dead on track. have you ever wonder why people actually gossip? why are there rumors? well, i dont mean anything bad here but i just think, sometimes, that there is a lot of stories behind everyone of us. it isnt easy being somebody, but somebody with an actual life has more than just a name and a dna.

you know my name, not my story

...it is all embedded in the deepest pit of this head&heart.



sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back.

my pessimism bounces back and forth. one day, we used to be great. the next, what a nightmare we were. it is a terrible in-between that tends to be beautiful in the right mind set. we will never have it back, and we dont need it. better separate, better alone. you dont deserve me, and i deserve more. lets not part so bitter.memories are meant to stay, but future holds so much for change and all the rest of the happy ever after things.

dear head&heart, i still love you. just not in the same way. i used to complain, and now i am grateful. for all you taught me, and all that you did not.

love hate relationships

i have always loved the concept of being on my own. i am not antisocial or introverted or anything. i have plenty of wonderful people that will always be there for me. maybe that is the problem. i have grown so accustomed of having people there that being able to do something on my own is like a fantasy, sometimes. i cannot wait to be out in the world, independent.

...for once. for good or bad.

we could roll, like this

do you create scenarios in your head that wont happen in real life?

i really just wish i could say efff everything, move to a brand new place and start life over and just be happier. i need to know being happy is possible.


...and i just wanna know that it is possible that two people can stay happy together forever.

my forever&always?

say hi, to forever. im a girl who doesnt not know where she belong for the longest time. sometimes im happy, sometimes im not, but that is quite normal for human being. yes?

why were we even looking for love in the wrong places?
with the wrong people? why were we so blind to see that
what we had for each other was more than what friendship meant?

im halfway in love by the time he sat down when we first met, and he had me at hello. back then everything was complicated and to add twist into this, i never have thought that we would be an item at all. it was, after all just a friendship based on mutual friends. never did i hold any hope or whatsoever for me to have a place in his heart, at all. this was all very unbelievable for me, up to this very day.

one faithful night, our eyes met, our hands clasped, our hearts sang the same tune. i rested my head on his chest while i listened to his heart beat. his arms were around me tight, i knew i belong there; i was in the right place. the right time. and the right person's arms. okay, i kinda put the whole thing into poetry. l o l (cheesy yea, but bear with me. just this post)

days, weeks and months passed as we grew closer. we then share every laughter, every sadness and every story together as different individuals.

one year later, now, and counting. i still have anxiety attacks by just the thought of him and i constantly find myself thinking, what would i do without him, the boy who can (almost) read my thoughts.

i, cannot wait to grow old with him.

i cannot wait to say;
"this day
i will marry my friend,
the one i laugh with, live for, dream with, love".

contentment

i dont know what to be content with anymore. i just have what i have, and wish and try to get what i want. it has nothing to do with contentment and happiness and getting there, not like that anymore. i lost that passion, or easier to say it is hidden somewhere along my growing up...


help me find it? or do i just leave it?

either way, it is not what i wanted and is not really who i am anymore.

sister

happy birthday Emarald !

you grew up. wow.
and like another person, literally.

...you, my sister. the one and only.

our lips are petals

things i have always thought about, things i have always kept inside my heart, things i will never say. it is hard, to be mum. i wonder how people keep things to themselves. well, at least i do spill, in some ways, to some people, or worse comes to worst i will just talk to myself in ways only i could understand.

i have always wanted things. who has not? and i have always wanted to just ask for things from people sometimes. but i never really did, and for the longest time, i kept mum, and just slide through time with those things in my mind. all of it.

sometimes i get lucky, and the guy above probably heard my prayers and sent it to me through people in my life. at times, maybe my stars just shone brighter and got me thing that made me smile so wide i could light up a city. just some of the times. not always, for sure.

probably that is the way it rolls for me. i still wished for a hella lot of things...

work in progress

work work work.

this is a world where everything is work. you have got to work for everything. and yes, work dictates a lot of things in life. i will always say to myself, this is for the future. i hope...


cheers. to work!

dealing with it

most girls grow up believing in fairytales and got hurt almost like instantly.

have you ever been angry or sad, to the point where you just break down. your parents dont know because you keep the tears to yourself, and you cry silently. your friends dont know because you talk as if you are fine and dandy behind the computer screen. well you are not fine and dandy, and you know it. no one really knows how you feel, and they have their own lives to deal with, so you dont bother telling them, you bottle it up, and store it with the other problems or troubles.

scent of rain

everything is predictable. you.

no more surprises.

little things. maybe it is just me. maybe this is just something new, this no-nonsense kinda relationship. it is sinking in, but it isnt easy letting go of the little things that made me smile.

but you gave purpose to my days. maybe that is enough for me.
just maybe...

hold on, baby.

effin upsetting to be all smiles and nice to others when all they do is walk all over you and THEN smile back. i wish somebody could just hug me in times like this and say hold on, everything is gonna be alright baby. then i could be so pleased to just walk on and wave whatever.

i hate the way people are at work. that is why a nine to five job is effin irritating to me. meeting strangers elsewhere can be much more of a pleasurable experience. otherwise, rotting at home is more tempting, to hell with these mean displays sometimes.

epic fail

reality does not make sense.
i only wanna see beautiful thing.


…i have this strange feeling that im not myself anymore. it is hard to put into words, but i guess it is like i was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. that sort of feeling. i seem to be addicted to something that does not exist. i am embarked upon withdrawal, and i am very fearful of what withdrawal symptoms will be. how very ridiculous is that?


every so often, i wake up in the morning and just think that i could not make it. but then, i would laugh, and think to myself how many times have i felt this way and still wake up every other morning...

unforgiving woes

i think i need to fall in love again. all over again. you know, go back to just being friends, flirting and batting my eyes and all those body language games, instead of fighting and sighing and painful goodbyes. i think i need to hear i like you instead of i love you, that comes right from the heart. i wanna have butterflies in the pit of my stomach. just to feel, again...

i wanna have that unexplainable want-to-see-you-everyday-to-spend-every-minute-of-my-existence-with-you. because lately, just lately it is like i wanna keep to myself, i have been wanting my space. and i dont know what it is but it is like i need another new first kiss. then maybe we just need some time off, to miss and reminisce on all that it means to be us. and maybe that is not a bad thing, i think it will actually be just right to just give up this one time and later return to the fight…

im passionate about chasing moments and sometimes catching them

we are at that phase where well-wishing becomes no more a routine. it is more of a need, a care that comes from the conscience of wanting to know the well being of the other half. the way i put it, it is a way of connecting, short and meaningful. but is it me the only one who thinks this way, and everybody else is just doing it for the sake of doing it every other time?

i am who i am, with or without you

i have run out of patience for myself, but my patience for you never ends. i continue to ask myself why you could hold so much authority in my life, never have i been this helpless before.but the answer seems so clear. why dont i listen? no, instead i would rather be kissing you some more. wrecking my heart some more. for what is all the joy
worth, if you have never felt the pain?

you are the only one in black & white, but you are the only one that makes sense. i sit on your lap, delightfully lost. i examine your arms, the tattoos you bear. i havent smiled like this in so long. in these smiles, my eyes smile. you are the only one in black & white. and bear so much meaning, to me...

is that heaven?

the memories of it in the future, perhaps is.

little lies within

i need to release the grip on my own heart. yes, this is the hardest part--letting yourself lose control. but isnt that the best part? i miss when i lost control with you, but we held that freedom so tight we made it die. and it is not our fault we passed each other by. i cannot keep crawling to you every time i have a revelation. for we are rarely on the same page, most of the time.

if i had one wish,it would be to have nothing else to wish for

i would say solitude is imaginary, but this is more reality than i can handle. a piece is missing, but i think so many pieces are missing. i question this abyss. submissively allow it to swallow me whole. the chaos feels a bit overwhelming. i can taste the freedom, but i cannot see it.

...and you think this is about you, but i have learned to be selfish. one can be lowered only so many times before they retreat. i know it is my fault that i have let myself to be hurt like that. i dwell on that. i have found my cave, i will remain hiding until i deem it necessary to expose myself.


i like my secrets, and i intend on keeping them.

rain drops on red roses

i believe good things happen everyday. i believe good things happen even when bad things happen. and i believe, on a happy day like today, we can still feel a little sad. that is life, is it not?

do you, still remember you at all?



when you have a purpose, or a direction, everything matters--the choices you make, the steps you take. but for a free-spirit, or a truly carefree person( for some, it means useless person. but i dont think it is useless. it is not wrong to just let loose sometimes and just let things go free) it does not matter, because whatever that next step takes her, is a new discovery. and to me, i think it is worth a celebration for not being afraid to take the chance. with risks and all that, today, i dont think i am capable to do so much of these. but once in a while, i do. just not to be too critical on the result and to myself, i ignore whichever that i hate having, and indulge in those that i treasure finding.

what my heart would say

those minutes where i am alone, just me and my pillow. i think. a lot. i think about everything, anything. it varies from what am i doing with my life? to did i have work i did not complete?. the room is so silent, but my mind is so loud. it drives me crazy because the things i would never think about, i think about. sometimes, i hate it because it brings up things i rather never think about again. the split second before sleep is the most active second of my life, every night.

you know that place between sleep and awake?
the place where you can still remember dreaming.
that is where i will always love you.
that is where i will be waiting.

-- peter pan.

ps: how sweet if someone says this to me in times of doubt, when i am in between that state of being awake and asleep. i would have fell head over heels, in thankful gratitude and in love probably. very sweet indeed...

utterly disappointed

my thoughts tend to sound better in books i didnt write, and in the songs i didnt sing. even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way i really feel. there is a double-edge comfort in knowing that noone really knows, that borders pain. it is complicated, really.

most times, it is just a lot easier to not let the world know what is wrong...




most of the time, i tend to have high expectations and things happen to not reach those of my wants and needs. it disappoints me all the more when expectations that i have isnt so hard to reach, and the fact that i have been fed with what i would recall as comforting amount of ego all the while before makes it so much harder for me. having strangers disappoint you can be brushed off with little effort, but having loved ones, or sometimes even worse--yourself, disappointing you is utterly devastating.

shit could be worse

lately, i have been trying to make myself busy, put on nice clothes and mascara, go out and about, to keep my mind off things. i choose positive vibes for my life, and just that, when i can. well, i would try to always make it a habit. i choose my company by the beating of their hearts not the swelling of their heads. besides, i would rather forget the days we spent than try to stay afloat in shallow water. all these, sometimes, just for a peace of mind.

and every time, there is noone telling me that everything is gonna be okay. yea, maybe the occasional parental-nags telling me to get over being afraid for nothing. sometimes, even a lie would sound really good and i would feel better rather than being forced to feel okay. that was, back then, when im young and naive. now, i found out that i stopped checking for monsters under the bed when i realized they were all inside of me. it was all in my mind. and half of the time i have been scared is because i didnt want to face my own fear. having family now would mean more than just the nagging, they would be much more like a pillar of strength when im at the end of my wits. they would be a rock, where the harshest waves could break on. maybe it might not show so much, or they might not be the closest or the warmest sometimes, but that position where they stand would never ever be replaced.

she tells me im a pretty bullet

i am not confident, at times. i know i am smart, but not in a way that counts--sometimes. i have read books much better than people but i never have all the words to explain my findings. i am only as funny as i feel. well, maybe that makes it funny for others. i think horrible things about things around me and i let my emotions get the best of me, sometimes. im really not as nice as i would like to be, nor as innocent as you would think i am. i am a perfectionist, not a self-confessed one, it is in my stars. but i believe i am, sometimes. maybe. unconsciously. i am a contradiction to everything i want to stand for, sometimes. i am a big dreamer, very big indeed, but with little motivation--sometimes. i am really no good at all, on my own, sometimes. but i am analytical with myself. and i dont understand how anyone could ever be cocky or proud when they are aware of all the disgusting things that they think and do, but noone knows.


we are all broken enough to be humble. will you agree with me?

this is where the willow vines grow

some days you wake and immediately start to worry. nothing in particular is wrong, it is just the suspicion that forces are aligning quietly and there will be trouble.

i fantasize about not telling anyone and going off to some random place since like forever. i would just disappear and they would never see me again. but that has just been terrorizing my mind for years and years but has never been materialized, till now. pfft.

i do, cherish the amazing things i have in my life up to this point of time, but mostly it is made out of hard work and nothing came easy or fair--to the least. what i see, and what i felt, every single day, is that there is neglect and injustice everywhere. that disappoints me to the very core.

what is it that fuel your thoughts and passion towards a good life with good things in it? fill me in. maybe i could learn to pick up the pieces from another point of view...




ps: i realised i have been talking about the same topic since yesterday. oops!

attempting cursive

fuck reality. fuck equality. forgive my profanity now, but life is never fair and i have never expected it to be fair since the very beginning of me learning to understanding things. it is all just pure bullshit how people twisted the fact about things could be done and everybody lives happily, together. no, that does not happen. not at all times. and at times that it does, it was probably just temporary, giving you that little bit of hope of things could eventually go your way, for once. in the end, everything betrays that bit of hope you held on to, and disappoint you all the more. sadly, this is reality. and we are supposed to be aware of it.

there are only few places where i can feel absolutely safe being at. either in a bed with fresh white sheets and fluffy pillows or in the arms of people who loves me in a warm loving hug. or at my happy places. or in my own world, where my mind wanders. alone. weightless. peaceful. nobody talking. nobody pretending. just being. those are the very few places that i could, at least, feel at ease. everywhere else i get smacked in the face by arrogance, ignorance, shallowness. they knock me down and leave me bleeding on the floor. it was never pleasant.

little things that makes life worth living

falling in love. hearing your favorite song on the radio. lying in bed listening to the rain outside. milkshakes. bubble baths. giggling. long conversations late at night. the beach. running through sprinklers. laughing at an inside joke. laughing at yourself.laughing so hard your stomach hurts. laughing for absolutely no reason at all. just plain laughing. when someone tells you that you are beautiful. friends. accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. first kisses. making new friends or spending time with old ones. playing with furry animals. sweet dreams. hot chocolate. road trips with friends. making chocolate chip cookies. holding hands with someone you care about. watching the sunrise. watching a sunset. getting out of bed in the morning after sleeping in and looking out the window to see its sunny, birds are chirping, and kids are playing. knowing that somebody misses you. and many many many more.

watercolor illustration

nyc, germany, greece, austria, france!

someday, one day, i will walk on those lands where it is exactly as beautiful and full of colors and culture as pictures and words propagated everywhere! and roam around the streets where people do, even in alleys where the worse scenes are. or stay on a roof top, singing to the wind, or in our own little loft, where we could close the curtains and pretend like there is no world outside.

y i k t i a n, lets go! and paint the town(s) red!

give me a skipping rope and i will skip all day

there are so many people out there who will tell you that you cant. what you have got to do is just to turn around and say watch me! i believe that is the beauty of being yourself. if you think that doing that something you wanna do is right at that point of time, then it is. just because there wont be another moment exactly like it.


not all those who wander are lost. and i figured, not everybody who is settled, sated.

hello and goodbye

everything imaginable is real
-- pablo picasso

im sort of soft spoken and kind of sporadic but that doesnt say a whole lot because sometimes i am loud and a little unpredictable. i want to see a world of bright colors, starlight, sweet dreams, long goodbyes, quick returns and happy sighs.

we will all laugh at gilded butterflies

recently got introduced to Scott Pilgrim by a close friend (you know who you are*wink*), and it is pretty cool how the story goes. well, at least it caught my interest and i wanted to know the story on a whole. im a lot like that, the character. i think im pretty neurotic about certain things, but im starting to realize i dont really show it. most people perceive me as very calm and rational; which is true, to a certain extent.

it actually breaks me apart, when sometimes i need any reassurance from people around me and i dont get it. i may be supportive, but when i need those kind of support i cant get it. there are dependable sources, but not so much. it is utterly disappointing.

have you ever felt needy, and then thought there is just nowhere to go? pathetic as it may sound, it happens sometimes. most people would feel this, and it is normal.

xoxo

random five things*

five things you will find if you open my bag:
1. purse+mobile phone
2. lotion
3. hair band
4. lip gloss
5. keys

five things in my bedroom:
1. laptop.
2. wardrobe
3. dresser.
4. guitars
5. mess*

five things i have always wanted to do in my life:
1. be loved
2. to travel and live at different places constantly
3. to have my own places i could always decorate myself however i want it to be
4. to marry the love of my life at some point
5. to live my dreams, well yea, dream. dreams do come true!

five things that make me very happy:
1. being myself. doing the random things i like at random times.
2. having money to spend
3. being carefree and worry-less
4. being pampered
5. seeing beautiful things

five things im currently into:
1. my yiktian ♥
2. impulsive-ness. i guess this has always been in my traits. pfft.
3. tumblr-ing
4. being happy with lower expectations
5. attempting to diversify my life. okay, this sentence sounds weird. but yea, trying to do just that.

five things on my to-do list:
1. to be happy with worklife
2. to fine tune the way i conduct my daily affairs
3. to have better control of my temperaments
4. to have a to-do list that gets done *cough*
5. to be happy, generally.

five things some people may or may not know about you:
1. i bruise easily.
2. im constantly scared and worried.
3. i have very short attention span on things that dont interest me and boredom is practically a family
4. i am abnormal. with certain verifications of illnesses that i would still rather keep mum about because it is not those that would kill me but myself.
5. im scared.

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

im a person that has high highs and low lows. a lot of things make me sad. sometimes it is almost easier to be sad. but you do end up finding a balance and i think that as i get older i am learning what i can do for myself to make me happy.



it doesnt matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop.
- -confucious

things to remember*

im making a point here to make myself remember some things that i kept forgetting and makes it hard for me to breathe sometimes. so here goes;

+ everyone feels like everyone else, just not at the same time.
+ people are unpredictable
+ letting go is better than maintaining control
+ absolutely nothing good can come out of over-thinking things.

ps: seeking cuddle-partner.

criteria;
+ must enjoy cuddling*
+ lots of sweet talks and long meaningful conversations.
+ ...with naps in between.

* possibility of kisses too.



yiktian. xoxo

live life to the fullest

many interpretation on this quote by many many different people. how is it fullest? some people might have a very wholesome day from a day of not doing anything, just relaxing. how do you make yours full?

im trying to get myself to type something utterly brilliant here, but then i thought, what for? life has itself sprawled all around me that would show much more than any sentence can describe. writing about it would only make things less interesting for everybody, wont it? i have always thought that it is not how long you lived, but how much you lived your life. and by saying this i dont mean not screwing up at all living a life in the convent is a good life. great is defined differently by anybody at all, and that actually amazes me at all times. the fact that one could be living in a ditch but is having the time of his or her life? it is just freaky, but amazing. it also proves that happiness has to be genuinely from within. period.

this quote is sweet so i want to post it up here just for memory : )

...three days ago, i loathed you. i used to dream about you getting hit by a cab. then we had our little adventure up in Alaska and things started to changed. things changed when we kissed. and when you told me about your tattoo. even when you checked me out when we were naked. but i didn’t realize any of this, until i was standing alone… in a barn… wifeless. now, you could imagine my disappointment when it suddenly dawned on me that the woman i love is about to be kicked out of the country. so Margaret, marry me, because i’d like to date you.

-- the proposal

feathers&gold

all these time, i write about what matters to me and what i feel that is happening to me in one way or another. i think it shows in a lot of times, when i am upset, when i am just drifting by, or when i am just bored. it is supposed to be that way, shown in writing, right? as writing is a form of expression that it is. yet, somehow i think it should all still be subtle (pardon me for not being so subtle at times) and not transparent enough to just be a sentence in telling, but a form of art in sending off the right message. well i guess i havent quite reached that point as yet.

delete the adjectives,
then you would have the facts.
-- to kill a mockingbird

340th day

yiktian, your LGMH every single day.


today, another ordinary work-ing day plus cough and flu. pfft. some days like this, i wish i could just stay home and rot instead. wayyyy too much pressure by non-pressuring conditions. well, i dont know how you could understand that statement of mine, it just is.

happy day people!


ps: the rotting part, maybe it is exaggerated. but i wouldnt mind just being at that point of life if this is what i had to be doing every single day of my life :P

believe me. it is only just the surface you see

if u were going to see someone for the last time,

would you want to know it is going to be the last time or not?

if it was for me to say, i would want to know if it was the last. i hold back a lot sometimes, and it is good to at least know what i am to face and just say or do whatever i wouldnt be doing if it was to be just an ordinary meeting. i reckon i am a very expressive person and i do appreciate intimacy and physical connection and things like that, but at times i might not be able to voice out certain things or do certain things. it would come as a huge regret for me to not be able to convey those if i missed the only chance to do so just because i didnt know what is to expect.

having said that, i dont know what would really happen if it truly happens someday. maybe it might not be like what i just mentioned earlier on.


what about you, if posed with such question as above?