the signs?

is the whistle blowing for me to stop? is the silence a sign for the future? what could be better, this or havoc caused by emotional instability?

i do not know, i do not understand what it is like to really have that warm feeling anymore. people who needs anger management, i get to be with them all the time. well then why do i still have to stay? why does it always happen that i dont get to choose what to do, instead i have remained in silence that it almost breaks me apart. i dont work this way, i am never used to suppressing things. but i had, for nothing. all this, i only get more intoxicated- without a cure.


are they signs that i should just call it quits?


so tell me, what is it? what is the things that blows your mind but at the same time keeps you off guard and all that? i would love to know...



Mondays are the worst. today is.

what is it?

trapped in the past that i cant seem to move on. the same things keep happening to me. those that are not wanted. those that keeps me tearing. those that wakes me up in the middle of the night. those that i never can get rid off my chest. those. ugly. issues.

his subtleties, they strangle me. up to a point i cant seem to see clearly what is ahead of me. i had to look back, then discover the very same things that i had let go before. so what is it that i had been holding on to all these while?



what is it?

pocket full of sunshine*

maybe fate likes to play with feelings and timing and our thoughts. it is weird how things turned out. but yea, we are what we are. and there has got to be a reason why it is like what it is now...

i dont believe in believing people anymore. this is not merely a statement, it will accompany my long walk of life, up until something or maaaaaybe someone shows me what true belief is.

believing is not only a state of mind. believing, to me, involves the whole lot;

body, mind, soul.

all in one package. so if either one of those doesnt agree on believing, then screw whatever it is. here you got a non-believer!

words

i have something to reveal. i think i said this before, but...

i heart non-capital letters :)

i just do. i have no reason nor argument for that.

today, i noticed that the word big is smaller than the word small.

...and even the timid-est people cheat, like the idiotic driver i saw this morning! drives me up the wall with the thought of that person cheating. i do believe in karma though. shit happens. things happened to me, it will happen to others too.

okay, back to words.  next, being unlucky isnt a born-with-disease. but truly i think it is contagious! prove me wrong, but it is like a flu; usually it gets off you only when the next person catches it.


wish you all good-day, today, tomorrow, and the day after.


maybe goodness is just not for me. today.

common grounds

we all have one.

we all hold one, in our mind. or for some, in the heart, they bear a common agreement to everything on earth. all of us, has a reason for living. everybody needs something to hold on to. i just happen to have and need more. is that a crime? 

tell me...

what do you hold on to?
what should i hold on to?

girl, derailed*

i begin to doubt my judgments. it all ends in tear, and not so often happy smiles. i think i have commitment issues as well. i seem to lose my concentration in a millisecond. with a leap of faith, maybe, just so you know- i might finish something with persistence till the end. yes, that i admit, but mind you! i am serious with whatever i do. i just, loose the zest very fast especially when something annoys the hell out of me. then, the end.

what am i to do? cling on to dear life and work my ass off trying to get something i dislike done? i wouldnt, and couldnt, even if it would do so much as to save my life.

all the while, living under micro scrutiny is blood-suckingly tedious. macro scrutiny however, grant the scrutinized person much freedom to express and be understood. most of the time we take things simply by the surface knowledge. i, too, am most definitely included. but i try to see past that, and slowly let go of my own ego. then i see things better, and not put too much pressure on everything and myself. but seriously, still if things werent as good, better leave than be sorry for yourself in later days yah?

what is your story?

those who knows me well must have realized that i can be spectacularly moody and may lash out with a sharp tongue if an affront be perceived. but you can be assured that if the cases are well-presented and  a person is trustworthy, i will respond well with slow but steady approach. that, is me. but at times, times when i am the one talking. otherwise, it could be somebody else ;) in my spastic times of constant posts, several times a day, provoked by the sudden urge to say some things- i figured that a decided splurge of words sometimes is far better than the occasional unintentional splurge on material matters.

sometimes i think my only friend is the city i live in. sometimes i believe, there is nobody out there. sometimes i feel like that. sometimes i take myself to a place just to feel a presence, a sun ray, or a cool breeze. i would like to see a Christmas tree on random days of the year, and getting wet on a sunny day just for kicks. what is life if it is meant to be ordinary for everybody? maybe, just maybe i am a baby in an adult's body. maybe, i suggest we all gather round and sing auld lang syne at the end of each day (since a day lost isnt gonna come back again, why is it only sang during NYE or so?) i would rather sit on a wicker chair out in the garden smelling flowers and listening to the crisp falling leaves on a normal day, and not sit on a swiveling chair with the clicking sound of the mouse all around me. like this, i say i still do not understand the world around me. as i cannot say a thing for sure of myself, i do not understand another thing as well. i guess that is fair then. trying to understand the whole world is a crazy thing. trying to understand about this self, is essential. i am going round and round, like a merry go round that forever has no destination. just round and round and round. but happily turns and circles, till the very stop button is pressed by the mighty one above...




so what is it about you?

approach at own risk

thank you for taking my blindfold off. i think  i will hang on. if anybody still needs me. if no one does, i guess i will just move on. i had plenty to give, but people often shrug it off. i aint jaded anymore, now that i can see.

but today, today in particular, leave me alone. just me.

today, i eat people.(literally feels like)

today, i am extra agitated. computer, books and furniture does not pose as anything of relief to this troubled mind. i am against everything that i see or touch.

okay, today, i am entitled a full day of screams and grunts (in my head)

yea, just today. maybe. pfft.

ps: happy birthday to the king of the family :)

ugly truth

happiness is a journey, not a destination. that is how it should be. i think having aims is good, but nobody should be too  preoccupied with reaching the end without looking at the moments in between.

one day, at the beach. there was once this friend, who is too realistic about everything-for whatever's sake. beautiful colors of the ocean, bright day at the beach, or beautiful moonlit shores. typical, but there will always be commentaries about rubbish, or the color of the sand, or even the pavement we walked on. then, the person would continue by comparing the current beach with some perfect beach elsewhere, out of the country, whatever. visit to the malls were worse. and this happens to the harbor, the islands, things- god knows what else there were. i dont live in a metropolitan, nor a highly civilized big city. but neither did this person. well, at least people around here, we have better sense of respect and gratitude. i mean, what else to complain about when we have little problems compared to places where corpse are in abundant, right?none of this changes what we have in a split second. so why complain? do something! smoke less, heck, stop smoking to not pollute our oxygen. also, less butts and dirty ashes around. this, among many others. if you are smoking, then shut up. (no offence) you have no rights to compare or complain, and that is just one small little thing that you do. it contributes to the bad state we are in. dont you agree? if no, maybe a reason or two? thank you.

forgive me for my rants, sometimes i just think to myself, why are people so inconsiderate and does not look into ourselves before downgrading others? i try to do my part, even if im only one person among gazillions who are different, i just do my part to change the world into a better place. yes, i think i change the world i live in one inch at a time. try me. at least i have got my viewpoints straight. others should come accordingly.

some things*

...should be left unsaid.

it is already coming to my 100th post! this is 99th! it would have been a lot more if i didnt accidentally delete my previous one though. anyhow, it is quite a relief having a brand new one, blog, i mean. so much more to say, so much more to write. i hope this one doesnt exist in vain. that i could really could get myself lifted in a good way, some way. for readers, ghosts, or whatever, thank you for even scrolling through even when you have only stumbled upon my blog when you are website-hopping. many heartfelt appreciation, even though i initially didnt intend for this blog to be of public concern. well, i realize feedback given could make things better, my thinking, at least. right? but please, please leave a name, at least, for me to address you properly when i reply to any of your comments. thank you, again.

"i didnt come to tell you that i cant live without you. i can live without you. i just dont want to."

-Sarah Huttinger, RUMOR HAS IT.

for the record, sorry for taking your dreams away. i lost mine too. so, yea. lets start afresh.

better days, people!

weekend

...time to rejoice, and time to rest.

today is Friday!

hmm, quite some time to reflect and think about things to come. but too much time leads to illusions and fantasies that only exists in fairytales, time is, to me.

doing what i do for a living, i wish that i draw locations of stardust sprinkler instead of normal sprinklers that is of water. i could only imagine a life where the floors are made of flora of eternal gardens, and walls with colorful candies and edibles all round. that would certainly be a world made in heaven. every step we take would be safe, not metal, no sharp edges.

moving on, i think lights could be of that of fireflies. not by captivity, but naturally, with the(my fabricated) environment, it could be a beautiful source. dont you agree? well, i have never actually seen any live firefly before, but i hope one day i still will. then, human could still live harmoniously with the animals, in a civilized way of course, and we would have each other to live on. ridiculous right? carnivores, omnivores, and herbivores living together? pfft. yes, i am most definitely going nuts in a bit.



what else? wait, i will give it another shot another time.a little bit more and it is gonna be saturday altready! lets say i really dream about this world im talking about, i will write it down. hah! until then, have a good weekend :)

i really

...really, really need space. really need inspirations. need to re-compose myself in a way that could liberate myself from the strain i get from walking on these planes i call home. i dont call a stranger love, nor i blow kisses to the northern wind. i just, really really need a break from familiarity. a little while would do, given that i dont fall head over heels on the foreign land. forbidden, probably, the longing that i currently have. i couldnt help it.







i really want to. really.

january*

very hectic first month of year 2010.
trying to create a dream or dream(s) come true.
many things going on and off the computer screen.
lots of thoughts and sighs and hesitations.
anticipations and intense hopes on the coming days, months, and years.






we will see what happen....

shall we?

...shall we walk through things, slowly?

why do people have to rush, then have stupid talks?

why do people just leave, when things are rough?
does anger settles for the better?





just why...

this tuesday

...ever since last tuesday, or maybe the one before that, the skies has been gloomy.



today. still dark. i have come to think that the sun has grown tired of us on earth. she hides herself and not shine through the dark clouds anymore. pffft.





will it continue to be this dark for the rest of the week? well then i had better get a pretty raincoat and play under the pouring rain. heck i should just go out and get wet!

be-witched not!

it is already Monday? dang! time passes so fast. which is good actually, but only at the right time.honestly, the only thing that is keeping me calm right now is the cloudy-plus-rainy weather. that made me wonder some too. i despise slow moving time, especially when the clock seems to have stopped ticking in the workplace. gosh. i felt nauseated and partially gone paralytic every time something reminds me of that slow thing.



it does not fascinate me, the way Monday comes!




keep that clock away please!

awWwe-some!

...im gonna take a hero whom no one but myself will much like.



is it even possible?
to last for always?





awww, got him.

dilemma-fied nonsense*

...sue me for dreaming!

i literally have to put a password and a big lock in my brain to stop.

i have recently discovered that i kind of have the extra fondness to more 'alone' time. but easily said than done, i failed to have too much of it. i basically thrive among human (ha-ha) and yes, i am exactly the type of person who would chat gaily with strangers i meet in random places.

am trying to tone down that though. (warnings from people around about security yadda yadda yadda)

oh yea, im turning twenty-three this year, and i still have about-completely-no-idea-of-what-i-truly-wanna-do-in-life. oh God help me please.

weedflowers

i am a fairy and i am going back to my magical world. as if. i would much prefer to be tiny and view the world from a butterfly's size. then a small garden to me(now) would have been a huge garden of heaven with beautiful giant flowers and bright colors. i would have lived a short lifespan, but a very full life. seeing things high and low :)

backseat goodbye*

...that mellow tune from the radio soothes its passengers, with cool breeze gently combing through hair smelling sweet of midnight dew and flowers. who would have thought that this could be goodbye. who would have thought that this could be the parting of the impossibles. next time, dont even bother giving tell-tale signs or obvious hints. because those are only going to make things harder, and worse, just worse.

im still in a state of shock, having an unintended silence for a while there. and practically leaving my brain self-process(isnt it always so? pfft!) i just stared on, stunned.


okay, okay. i'll cut the crap.


my beloved dog ChaCha got loose and never came back. ta-daaa...... beats the shit out of me, i miss her. but there was nothing i could do. my family looked high and low for her but she was nowhere to be found. so i guess it was meant to be. we lost her. that is what happened.

maybe she would come back after getting bored gallivanting (enough) outside our gates. maybe she will get very hungry, not having a full pot of meal like home. someday. probably. im still keeping my fingers crossed, and eyes open every time i drive out from home. a glimpse of her and off i will be to grab her and then chuck her into the car to be brought home. rainy days now. where could she possibly hide for shelter and warmth? i am half certain that someone has taken her and slain her into dog-soup. *palisssssssss palisssss jauh jauh* ishhh, those thoughts!

gosh. where are you???

sad.

forgotten flame

i have a secret.


for all my effervescence, gregarious perspective and openness, sometimes I get a little worked up over the co-mingling of friends. drifting these days, me. of late, i find mingling is like lunch box with compartments i had for recess in elementary school. it kept my gravy filled portion from that dry part that fills my rice, and the overcooked(due to hours in the lunchbox) steamed vege.

because sometimes id like to take it all separately, all by itself. sometimes the gravy tastes great with a couple leaves of vegetable. sometimes id enjoy mixing it all in a big, colorful mess.

but sometimes, the introduction of one group of people to another leads to nothing good. thus, i guess i prefer keeping most of my social circles apart because they appeal to different sides of my personality. that explains a lot eyyh.


today, sipping hot chocolate and seeing people pass by would do me more pleasure than a gather-round big crowd of human comparing names and statures. im definitely all grown up, but just havent completely figured out what that means.



yesterday is but today's memory, tomorrow is today's dream...




ps: may your inspiration be many liberation from whatever that is holding you back from your future. hmm, does this sentence make any sense to you? it does to me. happy work-day! (yayyy! it is friday!!!!!!!!)

an attempt to forget*

i am.

still trying.

hard.


only a stupid person would neither forgive or forget. and only a naive person would forgive and forget. a person with wisdom forgives, but never forgets.


which would you be?

which could you be?

i always knew you*

i remember. i remember way, way back when the grass have always felt so much cooler and always looked so much greener.
i remember. i remember you, when you kiss me for the first time when we were at the parking lot staring at the sky full of stars.
i remember. i remember it all. all of it. like when we would laugh, and laugh. and nothing in the world could, or would, stop us.



i remember.



is this what we are?
or whow we are?
deep down inside...


sometimes.


i never can tell. but i knew. somehow i knew you all along. fate, maybe. love is another game of chance. seek it, or be found :)

rainbow warrior*

pennies in a well.

faces and flowers in a fountain.

a million dollars in a deep clear pond.

do you remember the times and places where people make a wish and throw in a cent or two? those were the days, when people still believe. naivety sometimes brings good luck, if believed wholeheartedly. it is the sincerity that brings honor to things that we have given out. the feelings caught in between reality and dream, some pressure escapes, and joy re-lived. even for a short moment. that, is pretty amazing.



sometimes,
rainbows formed at places we least expect :)

technicolor*

sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring. love just need a witness and a little forgiveness. i wouldnt trade the pain for what i have learned, and i am learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes. maybe a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace would help so much to carve away those cold stares. maybe just an impression would do to keep up, and to go on.


i wish that life, everybody, could be in technicolor!


life, have you brought it in with cheers, or perhaps tears? looking back (as far as now) what have your life been like? has it been good, or bad, or even indifferent? sometimes, i would forget. sometimes i would rather blow it off altogether. other times i would prefer to keep it happening. all smiles. all colors. but not always. i try to. i hope you would do too.

5things*

i like solitude, sometimes, because only then i get to hear my own voice.

i like people, i like kindness, i love stories.

i like words that are lovingly arranged, perfectly matched up that enlightens the soul.

i dont like plastic culture; i dont like conformity. i dont like to put people in boxes; i despise injustice.

i love dogs. i love things natural; and all goodness that comes with it.




five things, what i thought of today.



what could be better than seeing beautiful inspirations in and around me when i start my day? i would say the best is waking up each morning to a big smile on the face that i see without fail everyday on the mirror. that is always a start. a good start.

happy day everyone!

muse wrang-ling*

i do not know what i appear to the world, but what i do know is that i do divert myself off attention pretty well, and hops on to fun pretty fast. these city walls have seen me grow, sad, and lol. these roads have path my way to where i am now.



i cannot understand the philosophy behind silence is consent.

i am a huge procrastinator. i remember, but i tend to put things aside and come back to it again a lot later. i just do, for no apparent reason.

i let people walk all over me, sometimes, like-literally.

i dont like poverty, and every bit of evil that develops from it.

i sway a lot, like daisy in the field blown by the wind. but i will stand my grounds, right till the day death brings me down. that is what i hold on to, sort of.




what do you feel about yourself most of the times? how do you see things around you?

let us share...

whisper request*

...inquisitive and playful, clumsy but fun. like a little girl playing at the seashore. gone are the days of pure bliss without regret and worries. well, we could still have, not totally gone *poof* but it is harder to come by now.

suffocated. i feel. yes. why does all this have to intertwine with your personality when it is clearly only a weakness that comes and goes?

in my mind, i contradict a silent judgment to that weakness of mine and i try to choke that evil piece out. hahhh! weird sentence there but yes, that choking part should happen very soon. i need to get rid of that suffocation this very moment or else i could be choking myself dead in it. safe for now, but not for long. hopefully i dont go cuckoo before i finally figure the problems in the system.



i still have childish thought and possesses an-occasional-childish-reasoning (pfft) with succeeding chapters that never ends till today. i know it will be continuous, doesnt matter im not a child anymore. that is the security harbor that my mind has for itself. not faked, that genuine element that naturally reminds me of my younger self. so blissfully unaware that this day will come when i just dont know what to do and none of those innocence would help me overcome the 'adult world'.

still, i am a child. within. good, maybe. bad, definitely since it does not serve any major purpose anymore when you are no more living in the past.


how to deal with it?

mentally drained*

okay, it isnt even half a day yet and i am exhausted in keeping myself going! make me, please! *faints* anyone, i need a clone of some sort that could replace me here, finishing my work and leaves me in peace and away from all these anxiety with guilt of not finishing my work and being the weakling that i am when i am in this destructive mood.






now, *hummmmm-mm-mmm-mmmmmm-mmmmmmmmmmm.......*






i am in search of a muted oracle, a texture i can grasp in my hands. i think i might know when i find it. i will hold it tight then embrace it with one touch of divine i will be bound to. with it then i might feel safe. not physically or mentally, but the soul-searching isnt gonna stop there. i could be safe for always...


there is always a dream...

monday again*

my mind isnt front and centre today, since it is actually monday, today. i wonder why is it so, but i guess it should be because i really dread coming to work and force a working attitude which i know i dont possess, other than doing something else that i really do have passion or a hint of interest in. (*barf*, long sentence.)

i have gotten myself in a long conversation the other day with dad almighty, and things got a little awkward. old and new things came out. i was neither relieved nor upset. it wasnt good or bad, then. but a communication it was. glad to actually gone through a certain issues with him, it couldve been worse if i had not. all is good now, i guess.

i should really try to discipline myself with work right now, when things are actually formal and ongoing. but these mental spasm i have prevents me from really being productive. maybe it is that time of my life when i just didnt wanna do anything for a change. happens to me, not to all you productive people out there i suppose. happy working, and please, please, time, please pass by faster so i can leave this place! amen.

if you see me now

...i would, if i could turn my whole world upside down.


then walk with an upside down smile. but what a waste it is then to see beautiful things on the bottom instead when all is created the way it is right now. in a way, id probably learn to appreciate lower things that have missed my gaze all these while.


im always interested in interacting with the world around me in as many ways possible. some days i encounter things that stretches my capability of understanding because their ugliness is so blatant and cruel. other days im amazed at the goodness that can be seen if you are lucky enough to stumble upon it. this intersection of cruelty and beauty, good and evil, right and wrong keeps me awake at nights when my mind grows ideas and turns them into hypotheses of all sorts.



so,

if you see me now. i would be asking questions. and more questions. so think twice before we meet. kidding.

bi-polar extremist*

i feel extremely volatile, sometimes.

5 minutes ago i feel like i wanted the world to end and i just wanted to eat myself, or everybody else for that matter. after an hour of silent therapy with myself or a while of gibberish with any of my favorite people i am ready to take on the world and all its shit again. i am amazed by how polar i could be at times, scares me (and maybe people around me too)

i told myself that i see the world. but the world is not accessible to my gaze, and i only saw parts of the world. and that part of the world that i see could be my actual whole world.

the fact that i always struggle with decisions and emotions is proof that i do not have the correct knowledge to solve my problems. this insight can either turn me towards the real source of that knowledge or completely gets me out of the mood to discover. i know i will suffer disappointment for as long as i cling to expectations. so i am letting loose, and see how things goes. well, not going total aimless, but i aint pressing things as hard as i do clenching my jaws when in anger.


that is a good sign there right?

major psyche

i have been compelled with people that could remain calm and knows exactly what to do to reverse a major problem. when the situation is intense, and all the person does is exhale and fixes!

i, for one, is NOT that kind of person. i do exhale. but it is more like a sigh than an exhalation sometimes.

happiness should be recognized, i think. it should not be discovered or achieved. then, it is forced happiness and not pure happiness. the happy thing to do is of course to realize that feeling and be fascinated, because it came straight from the heart and not merely developed from the mind. hahh! there you got it. another wacky happiness post. i wonder how many times have i talked about this round and round...hmm. bear with my repetition sometimes aight people. i am recovering from a stale mind off from work so it goes a bit out of control.

maybe i should write, more!

so we'll see what comes out next!

my prerogative

...eyes in the sky. a moment, at least. every day!


i would love to see a change. any kinds would do. maybe in time things could prevent changes i see in things every moment, everywhere. but changes, i would still want.

while i try to keep a positive outlook on life, a part of me still remains somewhat pessimistic and jaded, because that way i can still be pleasantly surprised. sometimes i wish i could meet my fifteen-year-old self again, just so i could smack some sense into her. those were the days. so far gone, but yet still so close at heart.

childhood seems so short now. teenage years were the toughest (in a way), but it isnt as tough as what today brings. still, i could smile reminiscing about the past and at the same time anticipating the future. many more to ponder, many more to experience too. an old saying goes, you have to know a person a thousand days before you can glimpse into her soul. maybe it is true. yes.



books. caramel hot chocolate. shopping. my cravings. now. anyone?

perhaps

just perhaps things could be altered the way we want it to be...

or days could be having the weather we would most love...

or work could be done like a leisure activity...

perhaps, it would be so different now. yea. so different.



ps: everyone loses faith at some point of their life, but sometimes we should remember what we still have.

where am i?

now, all of these moments just might find a way into my dreams tonight. but i know that theyll all be gone when the morning light shine into my window pane.

everyone welcomes new year. half of the population celebrates new year. one quarter sets goal but only one in a million works towards their goal. we only live this life once, so why worry about the petty things? like i said earlier on, things appear and disappear. though not completely, the traces left are often negligible and not as intense as it is that very moment.

setting goals and resolution wasnt really my kinda thing and it isnt gonna start anytime now either. i am just gonna go through it when it happens, these target thingies. what is there to lose? things occur, mind records things, then things changes. simple as that. well, for me...


we all, you and i, make our own history.

we live with the same air, on the same dimension.

what we need is time to make things happen.

need i say more?

2010*

...and the first day has come! (lol@ the opening sentence. it sounds like i have created a day!) so, a day in another year. still breathing the same air, my eyes are still twitching once in a while, and birds are still flying their yearly flights. same old, same old. just the year have changed, time is still tick-tocking.

i have always wanted a perfect ending. somewhat, perfect. now i have learnt the hard way, that some poems just dont rhyme, and some stories dont have clear beginning, middle and end. life, in my book; is not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next.

i dont know about you, but i, do not grow absolutely. or, chronologically. i grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. i grow partially. i mature in one realm, childish in another. my past, present and future mingle and pull me backwards, forward or fix me in the present. i am made up by layers, cell, and constellation. so blame it on my star if there is really something wrong with me because i bet she has something to do with me acting weird and all messed up. dear Virgo!


good day all :)

last day of the year*

...2009!

new is the year, new are the hopes and aspirations, new is the resolution, new are the spirits, more longings and truth to be discovered...

...should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? should auld acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne...

" HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010"

glad to wish everybody many happiness, love, and all things nice to come your way with many many more happy todays and tomorrows to come. have a blessed new year and a bright new decade, from the bottom of my heart!

tomorrow!

...marks the end of the year 2009. officially, that is.

everybody is either anticipating another brand new year, thinking about the present year, sulking at the past, or just in all this for the celebration and the woo-la-lah-s.

i, on the contrary is feeling rather nonchalant about this whole changing-year-thingie this year (prolly because of the increment of age, lol) . yea, it occurs only once every year and has all the rights to be extraordinarily celebrated worldwide. but here, for me is simple and everything that matters are near. so i assume i will be crossing that very second so ordinarily normal. what extraordinary is gonna be heart-felt. not seen by the naked eye nor touched with bare hands. however, i do hope everybody would be having a great new year's eve tomorrow and be having a safe and joyful celebration anywhere you are!


cheers! xoxo

december*

...lots of things to remember, lots of things to try to forget. i have a hard time remembering the things i should remember and a hard time forgetting the things i should forget. the last month of the year is always the days to summarize the whole year. this too, is the summary of 2009.



i gave up lying but i still tiptoe around sometimes.

let the past be the past. it stays as our past because it didnt make it to our present. even when we think we have seen it all, life still can surprise us; and we still can surprise ourselves. nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. a quote i have found; "i pulled the break not because i saw something obstructing in front. i pulled the break because i feel very tired and i dont wish to drive any further..."


the difference between school and life? in school you were thought a lesson and then given a test, but in life you were most probably given a test that teaches you a lesson. there should be no such terms as careless or reckless in life, as the consequences will often be disastrous. anyhow, everything is still a once in a lifetime experience so you either bag it along the way or just walk pass it. ignorance isnt always bliss, i find. sometimes taking the risks could prove to be so much more fulfilling. not always, but yea, some of the times...

also, along the way i found that it feels so much better to be a failure at something you love, than to having success in something that you hate. weird? i know. but yea, being a failure in something you treasure or have passion for normally will make you try harder, and that failure wont hurt as bad as you working hard for something that you dont love.

have you ever thought of those things that made you laugh so hard you are practically crying, or cry so much you could drown yourself? what is that one thing that made your heart feel that burning sensation that tinged of all emotions put together? (i have so much that i dont know which to actually choose from, but for sure they are all having big impacts on me and my life today)


so, what is life to you? up to this point, that is.

half a year

...a duration that can be either long or short. i still think it is a date to remember, not emphasizing on the period of time but instead on the memories that makes up all the time in between.

this is a quote i have found on a random site the other day;

"a good relationship fosters great sex, but great sex does not necessarily foster good relationship that can last a lifetime. "

...which, i think is very true. it should explain why some marriages or relationships does not work out when it is founded upon pure lust. a good point to ponder over during low times.



so what is it for you, to make it work in a relationship? i reckon there could be more than just the overrated 'love conquers all' factor. or it could be just that. love is blind, indeed :)

christmas post

...yea, a tad late for one. but hey, the times lost; those time are good ones......!

so yea, let's start the last week of the year 2009 with some good notes here and there. there will be brand new longings and truths to seek and discover.

hope for all good things to last, and all bad issues to not stay.
christmas was all good and peaceful this year for me. how was yours? :)

should have

...known better, that it is all good.

letting go of a certain past doesnt mean giving up. for me, letting go is knowing something better could have happened instead of continuing that part of your life that aint going anywhere anymore. we all have a certain past that we would rather forget, we all have fears and insecurities that we would erase if we could. often, there are feelings of doubts and unbearable memories that cripples us. but letting go, slowly, sometimes is the only way to do it. dwelling in the past isnt going to bring us anywhere, but instead will make things worse. if we couldnt help it, why make things so hard?


there are days when things get hard and it feels so tough to go on, i grunt, i mumble negative things to myself, i curse, i sob, and things like that. but in the end, it just gets worse. and then i realize those does not help at all, but are only some personal ways to vent out anger and not hurt anybody. my way, at least, among my other things-that-makes-me-happy.



ps: work days are so tough. work is not. just the thought of work that is. *sigh* (another negative action i always do)

pps: today's christmas eve! in office it's a half day :) do have a very Merry Christmas everyone! best wishes!

this day

...is just an ordinary day, but in some months or year this day could be a really good day. this day, i am lucky to still be filling my lungs with fresh air, and smiling to people i meet. this day, too, i am very glad to have a home to go back to and spend a night in. with a day of twenty four hours to do whatever i please, with whoever i want, and however i desire is a day to be celebrated. some days, like this, is a gift. some days, like today is hard to find, for some people. today, is present, is a gift- like it is most quoted to be.


see to your left and right, somebody might need a hug. maybe not a hug, a smile would do. some days could be tough on some people. i do have my down days too, so could you. being nice couldnt hurt.


im grateful for a day like this, when i have a peaceful day with things to do and work to be done (but is yet to be done with).

some days, i could use a little kindness from somebody. someday.

day two*

...of that very sucky day of losing practically everything including my very existence in this law-filled world that i dont find any justice at all. ohhhh, dont start with that talk on survival and other craps. and also not on my stupidity or carelessness or what-so-ever. it was never meant to happen that way, and it could have happened to anyone at any given time. i quote; modernity brings a lot of convenience to the world, including the 'convenience' of the knowledge in criminology (does this word even exist?) that would kill that modernity someday.

what is it all about, this whole thing about law, survival, and crimes?

my identity just got stolen for crying-out-loud!


ps: do not, i repeat, DO NOT be careless with possessions, like me!

pps: other than the fact that im getting every thing brand new, i am still cursing the thieve right under every single breath! like, literally! XD

have a safe and happy holiday everyone! :)

just how much?

if your intention is to change yourself, you will end up right where you start. if your intention is true self-knowledge, and you are willing to let go; you will never be the same :)



women are innately self-conscious. this is not a choice; it's a gender-wide condition. what i understand by this statement is that justification and illusion cannot bring real value to false ideas any more than they can to counterfeit jewels. hmm, i wonder how many would actually appreciate women and her antics. i sometimes cant appreciate too much of myself, which is normal i guess. dont get me wrong though. i love me, but not to the extent of being narcissistic.



so, the question is;

just how much do you appreciate yourself? in case you are a guy, how much do you appreciate women?

mellow shadow*

...does it even make sense?

form is no other than emptiness. emptiness is none other than form itself. form dont hinder emptiness; emptiness is the tissue of form. therefore, emptiness isnt the destruction of form. because form is forever the flesh of emptiness. you and i are both flesh and blood. real and of pure elements. our shadows are of the most solid form of execution that we live.

nobody knows just why we're here, could it be fate, or random circumstance. at the right place at the right time, two roads intertwine...

i should be*

...taking it easy!


am trying to.

everybody is.

i should too.


...hmmm, i just realized that it all rhymed! *big smile*
rest easy; things would all fall into its rightful place sooner or later. just need a little more perseverance.

loose that*

... effing derogatory expression! i never knew there were such expressions until one day when i actually realize that in places that arent allowing foul words to be used publicly. well, that generally refers to everywhere, but yea, but places that insist on politeness is emphasized.

obscenity is nothing to be compared to when it comes to rage and hatred. it just happens, like the animal in you unleashed. i know it sounds kinda funny. but hey, this is exactly what happens when you get caught up in that moment when something really just pisses you off. how long could you hold it in, those fire within. maybe, just maybe, things could be controlled. but the possibility of any one of us succumb-ing to the test of our temperaments still exists.


what is it that makes you loose your mind?
the hot weather? effing inconsiderate motorists on the roads?


just what...?

that diary page

you*

shisha*

loud music*

soothing voices*

blooming flowers*

crashing waves*

cool breeze*

warm embrace*

sweet nothings*

meaningful conversations*

beautiful memories*




all these and all that's in between...
defines me!


i have been writing diaries my whole life. i write when im upset. i write when im happy. i write just to curse and then throw it away into the bin. i write just to pass time. i just write and write and doodle away everything. writing gives away a lot of things, and gains too. what is written could be what happened or would have happened or would be happening. writing, for me, transcends time and imagination. what i am going through now could have been written long time ago, or things could have triggered the urge to write about a passion or a feeling that is non-existent. fragile and intangible things could be potrayed by poetic means in words. things like this, happens artistically in art where the mind have no complete control of, where literally derived from the soul. the unknown, translated in writings.

though i said so, my writings isnt on any level nor of any standards in the literary world. i write, merely out of need and passion- to keep my flesh and blood sane.

still,

my diaries, kept track of me growing up. those pages, have grown up together with me. in the future when i look back and see how far i have gone and how much i have written, it is when i see that treasure of immeasurable legacy that could make me travel through time; to my past, to that me, that i have come to know so well by then...

wicked and wonderful*

...wednesday!

joy is joy. its source irrelevant. when i wake up, i can see that with a false thought also comes with false emotions. the ego uses that false emotion as a validation for and proof of the false thought. when the false thought is seen through, however, the ensuing false emotions has no more power over me.


dreams...

typical dreams and daily unconsciousness are the same in that you must wake from them to know that they are not real. typical turn off. typical reality.


i need to be aware that my feelings are Ego's way of keeping itself alive. all the emotions sums up to a fact that i am here, real in flesh and blood. that i feel.

wonderful day? i suppose...

jackie and me

i recall, that...

i once had a dog named jackie, of mixed breed and was as fragile as me. not literally. he was fierce when it comes to protecting me and the members of my family, guarded the house well enough, and was adorable to bits. i had him during kindergarten and was by his side when he breathed his last when i was seventeen. seeing him go wrecked my heart. but he was healthy all the while and lived well till the end. it was a peaceful death, so i reckon it was for the best.

my dad used to say to me everytime when a pet dog dies, (i had a lot over the years) that it was not necessary to shed tears and be depressed over a member of the family (dogs, too, or pets, we do consider as member of the family as well) if during its/his/her lifetime we have been treating right. therefore, telling me to always be kind to everyone and everything, and think twice before doing any thing at all. it breaks my heart all the more and i cried even more and sobbed and mumble under my breath, till exhaustion from the sadness caught up with me and i fell into deep slumber. it was life that was taken away, not just anything.

today,

i would still cry like nobody's business when things like this happens. or whatever that makes me sad. call me a crybaby i wouldnt care. but after the cryings, and recollection of memories, and blamings (yes, just to feel better. god gets the blame too, in the process. sorry*) and a hell load of tissue paper and running tap water (uh-huh~ wastage, i know! just once in a very looooong while you people), i figured i feel so much better remembering what my father had taught me.





that, is priceless!

the thoughts*

...that i have. before, now, always.

they mostly revolve around what makes the world ticks. it is weird really. but i am always afraid of what will happen when the world is overloaded and unable to fit anymore human beings, let alone more and more buildings and things.(is that even logical?)


im 22 and 10milllion seconds. i still spend my time daydreaming, planning overseas holidays i dont have the money for, and drawing lines. i love literary, bright colors and think that creating world peace should not only be reserved for beauty pageants. i also think that we all should be girly. then there would be less violence, and more sweet and pretty stuff. (gosh, it is just a thought) but then again, too much of the 'good' qualities prove to be outrageous sometimes when everybody would be too soft and incapable to even do the simplest necessary things then. things like the making of food (the 'killings' for daily meat etc etc etc) and repairing electronics or cars for convenience. we would still be living in hell, one way or the other. so why suffer? hmmm... the possibilities are endless, yes, but solution becomes no solution at all. pffttt~ so let us all be ourselves, but still save the world. everybody! (i sound like an overly-enthusiastic-retard)


okay,
i'd be myself. and do my part.


will you?

part of the list*

smile :)

take a long relaxing walk.

find serenity in little beautiful things. ie: roadside flower

indulge something my heart desires every once in a while and forget about the guilt.

slow down with things, sometimes.

dance like a crazy-ass during a thunderstorm on the bed.

explore the fantastic imagination and inspiration from a book.

wear a shocking-bright color that makes me feel extra-happy.

laugh genuinely hard at little ridiculous things.

watch the flow of traffic, be it human or vehicle for 5 minutes.

take deeeeeeeeeep breaths.





...these and other things i do to that keeps me sane, day by day.

Eng-Rish*

the pronunciation.

... punctuation too!

notice that all my sentences and words are not properly punctuated with apostrophes, not spelling mistakes, them. it was on purpose. i love seeing the words without their apostrophes. it looked more beautiful to me, point blank. i cant do it my whole school life, i might as well type it this way in my blog posts. i find it annoying-ly-attractive, if i could describe my obsession on apostrophe-less writings. XD



english language is beautiful !

i feel

... that i have a lot of good intentions and they all have gone awry.

... that im on constant strenuous training of the longest prevailing wit of some sort. many days i succumb to the calls of my imaginary self that asks me to just stop and listen to the beating heart.

i wish that i could just snap my fingers and all things would be bearable again. sometimes we would take consolation from our spiritual beliefs, sometimes we would get better in silence.

i have seen in every stranger, a little thing about myself. bits and pieces of what i am, and what i believe i have within me like everybody else. we share the same genes, only with different souls.


i feel,
that i am lucky to be here today. grateful, but bitter having to see others around me who are less fortunate.


look.

...and feel !

10th of Dec*

... is exactly one week after Harris's departure. it is still a shock. and i have this heartfelt anguish on why it happened so fast, in such manner. but then again, to think that he is in a better place and in better hands serve so much more a comfort. RIP Harris. you will be in my thoughts for always.

part of the weirdness today, is that i heave a heavy sigh for everything. everything seems weighted. maybe there is pressure even in the air i breathe. there is right? what seems to be a perfect day might change in a blink of an eye. i think of the next minute before the clock even finish ticking sixty seconds. i think of what i did the minute before and then sigh another time at the common mistakes i make all the time, that i could not help myself to cringe at the very embarrassment that i overlooked the details at work. Virgo? a perfectionist? not so much of one, the way i look at myself. maybe at some particular things in life. but definitely not now.

i couldnt wait for that day i become so bright, so weightless, and lived so fearlessly allowing, that the joy can have its own full life through me. i have had 'those days' before, and it went temporarily missing, that i am now seeking amidst all my shortcomings.



here's to happy days, love! :)

feliz navidad*

...prospero ano y felicidad!

god bless ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay! am recently addicted to christmas songs. all jazzy and catchy :) i hope this season's greetings bring all merry and joy to everybody like it did to me!

...in the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasure. for in the dew of little things the heart find its morning and is refreshed. i do believe that in each thing no matter what, there is some sort of blessings. so behold, non believers, cuz in time it good WILL prevail! :)

jing-aa-linggg*

...it's that time of the year again, holiday and good times. all in all, waiting for the coming of good news and new year. time indeed has gone past just like that. it does not wait. does not skip nor does it ever change. it just ticks away, second by second, and it comes to the same day every time but in different time line of our lives and in different year for everyone.


...heavenly F&B, gorgeous people, silver bells, cheerful sounds, decorated trees/buildings/things, colorful you and me.


it is december already. the first week of december. and is still counting. be happy, still, making memories while it lasts. time might still be going on and on and on and on and on forever. we should go on and on and on and on and on happily too!



cheers! :)

sweet dreams*

what does sweet dreams mean to you? is it a good sleep at night? or a deep slumber filled with pleasant serotonin-inducing events or things in dreamland? or day time memories that is comparable to that of a dream?

for me, sweet dreams means so much more than just a good night's rest. but of course, it would be a part of that whole experience, that blissful rest. having sweet dreams or a beautiful nightmare? you decide.

being decidedly picky about that i want and need, i figured, always gives me that feeling of lingering longing for a temporary high. although short-lived, each dream represents an imaginary voyage that only the mind can conceive. like poetry, dreams are the opening and closing of a door, leaving those who look through to guess about what is seen during a moment.


so

dream on, love.

a reminiscence*

some things are better left unsaid. some memories are better kept at heart. we cannot rewind, nor intervene what is gonna happen. love is so hard to find, so when you do find it--hang on to it.



girl. twenty-two. pure blood. love. HIM. need to breathe. always & forever. google-ing everything. late nights. sweet surrender. friends & family. long walks. conversations. good meal. topsy-turvy world. mountains. beach. sunshine. flowers. colors. my man's scent. moving things. the wind. raindrops. happily ever after. smiles & laughters. the idea of heaven. hugs& kisses. body contact. good times.



... and the list goes on and on and on and on and on!

good things in my life. now. hopefully in the future too. still. maybe more.

:)

fragile things*

we do, always in our days think that those things, refer to breakable substance and somehow made a belief that human are invincible because we'll try, in every way to make things go OUR way. thus, neglecting the fact that the most fragile thing is actually ourselves. we could hurt so easily. physically, emotionally, even hurt in advance or experience post-traumatic pains and stuffs. we could feel it all, and we may never know what is coming or when it is affecting us.

we all have tendencies to forget all things important sometimes and fusses over barely-there-worldly-possessions. sometimes, these things cant wait for you to catch up on them, these important ones.


i could use some fresh beginnings too, to sort out what i have left aside all the while.


we all should.


these days...

collecting memories*

i was thinking, just randomly, about what would happen when we die? it is only me, or is it normal that i always have flashes of bad things through my mind several times a day. things like awful accidents, or ugly things happening in which me or people i know are in. thank goodness none of it came true or i would have died 'seeing' those things happening and not able to do anything to prevent them.


that last moment.


that last breath.


but truth be told, we wouldnt come close to knowing unless being in that crucial state ourselves. and i bet that time it wont be a good thing at all, knowing what it feels like then.

if the universe conspires, and melt our lives into beautiful memories that we can hold on to... what would it be like?



ps: Dec 3rd R.I.P Harris Izham. you meant so much to me as a person... may the good God bless you always!

rain, pendants and guitars*

life's short.
to hell with normality!

silence. nobody listens to all those silent longings.

whispers. only nobody reacts.

what? are we living a norm that we call life? what? do you expect life to be interesting when you are living that nine to five scheduled cycle? sometimes we are all acting out of our ridiculed weaknesses. so i still think we all do, not to disregard a few courageous ones who did actually live outside the big-black-box-of-regularity that we have fallen into ever since we have grown out of our adolescence phase of curiosity and fearlessness. how pitiful are we going round and round this never-ending circle that brings us doom.

we are all living in a stereotyped world, where in everything there is a standard to it. even if it is good to you, that something could still bring negative reviews if it is already in certain category. you are happy, but nobody understands you when your feelings are out of the stereotyped response. when are we gonna really have OUR own lives when everything is not yours to be and not yours to do? i despair in all these restrictions that bring us death. law, yes, to a certain extend. and no, when it is biased and is poking fun at humanism with its truckload of reasons.

life's short.

so...

to hell with normality. again.

first of December*

can this be real?

can this be true?

am i the person i am this morning?

and are you the same you?

we are the same person we are a year ago, of course. but only living different circumstances, given the course of life we have been through as different individuals.

but how are we to be sure of what we have changed into, without looking back at decisions we have made and things we have done?

the common link between the past and the future is obviously the present, therefore seeking truth from what you see and have right now is the purest form of answer you could possibly get for the time being. no contradiction, nothing to be questioned. there are just so much to argue about in every single thing. why bother making up new ones?

the conversation need not be continued. there are no restrictions nor freedom.


just choices...