calling me baby, like a lullaby.

xie xie ai. love teaches a lot of things. not just boy-girl love, parents' love, friendship, even hatred teaches you to be the person you are, in this case, teaches me to be who i am now. i dont know, i am a person who switches back and forth between taking love too seriously, and not bothering to stand up for it at times. yea, it happens and happened. a lot. now, when i look back, it is only the memory. but memory can do so much you know, as to your emotional state and perspective when looking at people, romantically-or-not.

intriguing possibilities

there may be harm in risking, but remember there can also be regrets in doing nothing. sometimes, either way you tend to make a fool of yourself, so to me, the point is to make a choice whether or not you wanna save only your face or to go for it and save your heart from either breaking or regretting. dont you think?

there are two obvious reasons why people dont talk about something. either it doesnt mean anything, or it means everything. think about it. but yet, i still couldnt get over it if there is something bothering me and i cant know about it, even if it doesnt mean anything. so yea, lol.

281010

sixteen months ago today, you asked me to be yours. you whispered to my ear i love you. at first, i was shocked. it came a lot like a ------ to me because it came unexpected, really. i was thinking more of the lines of let's go out more often kinda thing. i would love that, cuz i just love spending time with you. but i was still in a mess, and i didnt know how to settle down for a relationship so quickly yet. and you used the words i was afraid of hearing, yet was touched to hear.

sixteen months later, we have been through heaps of fights, laughs, and what not. to many people, sixteen months is a lot. i never really thought we could endure this long. to be honest, im scared.

we were both very different people. i guess love glues. hah.

i know you have always had confidence, but to me, i wont truly be confident about us until we go over the two-years mark(?). what is worse is, we are in the middle of a lot of things right now, and you seem to be doing fine without me a lot of the time. it is good, that you think we are very comfortable with the relationship and has all that positive confidence that it will last. i know it is silly, but i wish you knew how much it scares me that you could be too confident about everything.

you and me, it means a lot, and im scared.

so please, just reassure me. please?

in my head

you know what, darling...

i think im scared of you. or afraid for you. or just fearful. i think im all of that. because it is you, and all the possibilities you carry with you. because you are yiktian.

true love is like this

if she’s amazing, she wont be easy.

if she’s easy, she wont be amazing.

if she’s worth it, you wont give up.

if you give up, you are not worthy.”

—Unknown

have i had balls, or you have tits?

(this post is definitely not for my darling)

wait, i couldnt get it right this time.


i guess i have gotten my short term memory a little more severe. people are getting more rough, or am i getting weaker. judging is a must sometimes, when people arent playing a very fair game nowadays. everybody is evil, everybody is mean, at times. so i should learn to face that...

missing

if somebody says this to me i will hold your hands till the end of days, i'd melt like there is no tomorrow. im a sucker for sweetness and romanticism. yea, that is me talking.

everything, everything will be just fine. everything, everything will be alright. -- jimmy eat world. the middle.

suck it in

just for today, i will be happy.

i will try to adjust myself to where i am right now. i will face the situations given to me. i will not try to see everything to my own desires, for what i expect will not always be what i get.

just for today, i will take care of my body, so it would be the perfect instrument to do me favors. i will try to do things without asking for any help.

just for today, i will learn something useful. i will learn stuff from work, from the day’s experience, and from love.

i will do somebody a good favor without being found out. i will do things i never tried to do. i will act courteously, i will not criticize somebody, and i will not find flaws with anything.

just for today, i will make my own rules, and i will never follow it. i dont know why we are so obsessed with making rules about everything.

just for today, i will have a quiet moment for myself. i will think about my spirituality. i will think about my future, to get a little more perspective. i would never allow myself to be eaten up by my past again, where all i could see are the wrong things i have done. i will have no regrets. it is more important to look ahead than to look back.

i will try to live through this day only. i will not think about my problems for once in my life. i will not be afraid to be happy, to enjoy life, to see what is beautiful, to love, and to believe that those i love love me.

and i will be the person i always wanted to be, even just for today.

to create is to destroy

life is about getting up out of your chair and doing something. it is about doing nothing. making a mess. moving your hands and body. leaving a mark. it is about doing. action. finishing. experimenting. trying something. immersing. it is about absurdity. a creation. evidence that you exist. using materials. destruction. it is about fun. doing the opposite. breaking the rules. it is about ideas. getting dirty. making mistakes. im going to ask you to make a mark and it is going to be messy. dont worry about that.

that is the point.

im writing these confessions for you

if i ever pushed you away, i dont really mean to.when i tell you i dont wanna talk about it, i do. i am just looking for the right words, and waiting for you to reassure me that it is okay to talk to you, and that you will stand by me no matter what. i just really need a minute, or maybe two. or maybe just a hug, or two. longggggg one, perhaps. till the sun goes down and the moon comes up.

i need a great big hug.

day 480

today is day 480 already. 500days of us is coming soon. so soon.

when i need you. sigh.

i miss you. all the time. is it too much?

it is never too much, for me. there is never a time i didnt want you by my side. smother me if you may, please. i would be glad to succumb.

is this what you call karma?

20.10.2010

this number. is. rare.

but you are the rarest.

‎1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas, 6 billion people & i met you. ♥

my doubts, your confidence?

i believe love is compromise, but doesnt that work two ways? i dont believe love is blind. i believe if you are going to be in love, you go in with your eyes wide open because every moment you take in, whether good or bad, its vibrant and superfluous. i dont believe love is dishonest, and i dont believe it holds you back. i believe it pushes you to be someone better than you are. for yourself, and for the other person. i dont believe in love. but if i did, i believe it would be like that.

i want to be more than this. i want to be the one. i want to be the air you breathe. cuz you are, to me. i want to go out, and fly. different place, different time. with you, always on my mind--better still, if you could be right by my side. we could meet up at times and go crazy with each other and you dont feel me clinging to you too much, like everyday now when i dont see you.

no trust, no future.

... people always say to follow your heart but what they dont tell you, is that,

just because you follow your heart, it doesnt mean there will be a happy ending.

-- anonymous.

1310.

special day. everything has almost been called off. just this little thing managed to happen, after straining my every thought, every breath, for a month or more. the blindfold, the nervous drive, the anticipation. maybe it brings only a little happiness, it has meant the world for me to make it happen and to see that precious smile on that face.

i guess it meant little to him than it is to me. but still, happy birthday darling! i hope this is another memory you would hold close to your heart.

yesterday was 10.10.10

this was 01.10.10

little or no doubt

today is the day to dream of trips to paris, listen to beethoven, draw comics, write letters, drink coffee, eat ice-cream, believe in more, buy flowers just because, take a walk, take a compliment, think out new ideas, rock out, stare at clouds, laugh out loud, talk to muses, plan something- a trip; a way to take over the world, start something, finish something, feel great, believe you can do it all...

i am not that independent after all :(

looking into my eyes, whisper 'with all my heart' , and kiss me. moments of pure happiness like these gives me hope that true love exists.

...i need this. always.

i adore you.

i want to show you something beautiful. i would like to think that star never dies out, and that our bodies never fade away. i want to travel to the stars that glisten in your eyes and i wanna take you with me to somewhere, somewhere only exists to you and i...

my awesome, becoming awesome-st plan

i. just.hope.it.will.work.

hurm,at least happen! the least you could expect from me darling, if i could, there will never be a dull moment for any special occasion as special as you :) you can count on that.

*fingers crossed*

it took me weeks* (more like months actually) to come up with a final plan. and it isnt final just yet, even now. i have already written lists so long i could be called a sinner for just wasting away any paper and write-able surfaces i could put my words on, including my palms when things just came up and my phone isnt available.

for now, it is just the wait, for things to fall into place. hopefully one out of that list of things would turn out perfect. plan A, then there are B, C, D, E....yadda yadda yadda. in case whichever dont work. cant even sleep thinking about the circumstances! sigh. i think im an even worse paranoid than my mother when it comes to petty stuff. well, this aint petty, righhttt??

you just know it when you feel that same exact jolt

i do. because every day is a happy countdown ‘til i get to see you again because you, are my hope of a better tomorrow. everyday comes as a miracle to me, to be able to live through with happiness is another kinda bonus. at the same time, i still try to be a struggling mix of real and perfect. at the moment, i am working on the ratio. when i get really quiet sometimes, it is because i have too much to say. i have thought of too many things to tell you all at once and i dont know what to say first.

i get immaturely jealous of anyone who gets to see you on a daily basis. i miss you really easily. but i also like it that we can be apart and we are both okay. space is good, too, right? i love the way we love some of the same things and i love how we love entirely different things. my head is a complicated pile of thoughts, and fears, and cravings, and dreams, and this tangled up nostalgia for the past and, somehow, the future. i love you, and i am so glad you are here...

captivity is the new freedom

...i just know it! hmm, or at least visit for many many days! xD

theletterkay

i'd wanna walk all day&night on all these cities, on those flats!