because there is so much to say

sometimes i will look down at my watch 3consecutive times and still not know what time it is. that is the effect of long holiday not having a job to wake up for and doing all the things that my body&mind will thank me for. 

it started out with a fist bump whenever we meet and say hi every day. little did we both know would become lying down in the middle of the road at midnight, partially drunk, looking at non-existent stars in the sky. well, i initiated the the lying down part but i wasn't sure at all why the heck i did that. my head was already spinning from the multiple funny concoctions made by the bartender with a tennis outfit. i am totally free to express whatever that is on my mind and we connect on a different level, mutually. 

sometimes we just talk about people and life. other times it could be only about our own body and it could last us hours or days on the same broad subject. things would never get bored. kisses and more kisses, playing mind games that only we know and understand without speaking a word to each other. completing each other's sentence with the exact meanings - cliche but real. 

just randomly going to the park or just sit in a saloon for a spontaneous blow-dry. goodness, those were easily the happiest decisions i have made. i wish sometimes that things are just that simple, and it is - with you. all sorts of complicated shit we thought was relevant but then we shrugged it off like we had the same mechanism of thoughts. how could two person be so intimate but yet being on the opposite side of the globe?

pure logic is the ruin of the spirit

this title is a message i got from a fortune cookie that came with chinese food delivery. 

i am a thinker. 

not rocket-science stuff; but i think and then over-think about literally everything on my mind and everything i see and do, even before doing and also after the deed is done. for me everything is a mess, and i just had to jumble them up nicely and rethink/rearrange them in my head. 

i think of the past, a lot, which is not actually a positive thing but it gets me going and encourages me to NOT repeat some those awful things. i think of things that has not happened yet, NOT as a psychic or trying to be one - but this mind has a will of its own which depresses me so much i wish i could be separated with it at times so that i can actually have my own peace of mind.

that said, we would all be much less fragile if we are made of metal and our hearts from iron and our minds from steel. all of the same element, but not robust!  

to dad, with love.

death is the eternal mystery.

...just like when we cry for everything else we could not say, and for things we dont even know we felt. there are the kinds of support that we will ask for, and the kinds that we will never ask for. afterall computers crash, people die, and relationship falls apart. the best we can do is breathe and reboot. but when all else fail, we could reminisce and savour the sweetest moments in which we have had together.

all my life, my father had been the most respectful person i know. the times i have made mistakes fearing the worst, i have always come clean before i was caught -- well, most of the time. of course as a child i have feared for punishments such as the wooden ruler hitting the palm of my hands etcetera etcetera but being afraid was never like a troubled child fearing for my life or being so scared that i'd wet my undies no matter how bad i screwed up. even those minimal punishments we were protected from by my mother who couldn't bear to see us cry - my younger sister and i, and whatever physical punishments there was stopped altogether before i even turned ten years old. he was always respected, but never feared because he had only instilled in me good values and lessons into my upbringing.

in time, my punishments became only stern voices and deep discussions that boggled my mind, that had made me think of my actions and their consequences even in my sleep. 

but thanks to that even though i'd still get into trouble, some terrible ones at times, but it does not compare to people who does not even comprehend the consequences of their actions. i have always been daring, but very sensible one at that. i have never thought that being daring could ever be paired up with being sensible. it just does not make sense when you think of it. lol

my father had always been overprotective with us. he is always around during our evening outdoor playtime with the neighbours' kids. he had always been the one who prohibits all sorts of entertainment (even learning) that could result to any form of physical injury no matter how small - and this list includes swimming! (ohh you would not have imagined how much tantrum i pulled begging to join martial arts classes etcetera) . he has been the one rub medical ointment on my bruises and scratches if i need to hide them from my mother who is even more paranoid about us getting hurt in any way, and i would say that for a man he does it so gently i could have cried describing it right now. so much little arguments that is proven to be funny now when we think back, because it all came undeniably out of love. i would not say that i regretted not being able to do any of those things i cried so much wanting then.

happy birthday, Papa. 

stay away, sometimes.

deep voice: hey, how are you? you're beautiful. (or whatever random shit they say that could make you look at them and/or answer) 

being polite, i usually smile and say thank you briefly and move on. mind you, they are just passerby whom you only had a sideway glance at. getting a smile or a nod, they would proceed to walking beside you and continue talking. it is not a big deal speaking to strangers, but in these cases i should have just minded my own business and do my best to ignore. i remember family member telling me to not look at men on the streets whenever I'm walking alone. it wasn't long before i truly understood why. harassment is a big issue, especially in metropolitans where there are too many lonely people, despite the number per capita. i was shocked at how bluntly men just express their interest in hooking up just for the sake of having any companion at all at any time of day!  

it wasn't disrespect at all, even the ignorance that i give to people talking to me sometimes - it is necessary to ignore. ignorance gives you the opportunity to be left alone safely. that same ignorance can save you time to lose the person who has not so pretty intentions on you. and yes, i had to be dumb before i took the advice to heed. 

brief & debrief

the year is 2014, and i have grown up. life on the fast tracks - if i could call it that. 

not the exact way i would love to sum up my life in the year but reality isn't kind, most of the times. i could most certainly say that it is a very eye&heart opening year for me, though, that it has been almost painful to live it first hand. at my age, people have all that drama jet-setting here&there with all the worries about which designer to wear or purchase, with some already started a family or even a brood of minis with big dreams, and some others cooking up a storm on juicy rumours in all kinds of businesses linking directly or indirectly to the big letter M. Money...all these while i deal with my shits that comes from all kinds of people&things, of all shapes&sizes. some may be made up in my head while making up for all those mistakes and others that is brewing up from all the already existing mess. sounds oh-so-complicated but reading should be a belief that it all happened to be able to be developed into some sort of sentence here, right?

under unforeseen circumstances i am dating someone very different than that i am, but in a very good way. there must be a certain category that he falls into although he is somewhat a lot more different than my last. he clearly knows what he is doing and pulls me along with him doing all the right things that i might or might not know that i should be doing like thinking necessarily. i discover more and more each day and at one point i know i could go far with this person in my life. i definitely cannot predict the future, but i shall update again if there is anything that is worth announcing.

#livewhoyouare i shall make this my life purpose, if i haven't already been doing that all the time.

i came into realisation that i have always thought that things should be simple and easy to understand but then i am the one who always complicate things for myself. there should not be double standards to what i think is right&wrong while other people's right&wrong must be the same as mine. after my resignation from my day job, i have made it a point that i need to clear off all the mess i have made and accumulated from the past. starting off by material junk and simultaneously emotional messes that i have kept to myself that also worries my loved ones and people who cares if i am actually okay being myself, doing what i do or did.

i may be constantly making the same mistake because i did not see the obvious, but i do try to improvise. slowly yet surely, i know i would get there. safe and in my kind of happy.

maybe, and just saying maybe the silver lining of all these comes in a different shade and i just haven't seen it as clearly yet.

but...

all that confusions aside, i have some really exciting plans lined up for 2014/2015 and as far as i see there is only happy images and so much hoping that i could cross some from my bucket list. fingers crossed, let's go! from my random resignation to deciding plans to take on, i would say that i have no regrets. i know, that i want to do this!

first stop, New York City - the Big Apple, city that never sleeps. all set - November!

do what makes you happy

...that was what both my father and my beloved Uncle Andrew told me to do -- always.

don't worry about everything, just do what makes you happy. they would say, and always asking me if i'm happy with work or if anyone was mean to me and all that extra care that i know went extra mile without me knowing to make sure that i wasn't harmed outside. i knew, both big guys pulled a string or two but i'd still got myself into trouble unnoticed. typical. 

yesterday at the funeral i thought my heart would fall out from the heartache and all the crying. probably not even realising what his death could bring me so much sadness. i thought i could hold up better after what we recently been through but i started bawling barely halfway into the memorial mass and not even into the funeral procession. it was heartbreaking, and nothing will ever prepare a person for anybody's funeral at all. nothing. 

i am truly blessed to have a very loving father, to the point of no returns, and also an uncle who practically loved me from the moment i'm conceived up my very being...a little girl to them no matter how old i get.

i am every bit as lucky a woman who could have a loving and ridiculously awesome man as the father to her children, just like these two god-sent men to me. amen.

with utmost respect and forever love, goodbye.

too much for close comfort

they say great men die early. i'm guessing they are being correct at that. both my grandfathers, and my father passed on rather early in their lives. my father being the youngest and most recent to leave in that bunch of loved ones. 

now the thing about talking about death isn't as smooth as announcing a beautiful birth, no matter how peacefully one died. and apparently knowing that he has been ill for some time does not prepare you better to accept his death either.  that, i know, learning about the passing of a deeply loved uncle and father figure just today.

these messed up feelings inside, it doent help that i was still getting texts from him the previous weeks and i have just recently visited him at home personally. accepting that he is gone for good is the kind of awful truth that is not just a goodbye from the gates when he leaves the house from his almost nightly coffee stays with the folks, or when he leaves for long vacations and will be back to talk about it bearing gifts. it is the same feeling of disbelief, still having a bit of hope that he would come over again to the house calling me to open the gates for him just like expecting my father to come home one day from his work-related outstations -- after my father passed. that feeling, like it is a big joke that both my real life supermen are gone. that sort of crazy, is crazy.

i miss you, Papa. 

Uncle Andrew, you have been like another father for me for ever. i have never thought of a day you will be gone, just like Papa. ever!

please rest in peace. i love you both so much it hurts. 

black, white, also the grey.

i am not where i need to be, but thank God i am not where i used to be. 

with this statement, i admit i really miss how things used to be. but i can also admit now, that i have accepted the fact that things have changed and this is where things are going to proceed from. and this;

you will find that it is necessary to let things go, simply for the reason that they are heavy.

i find relief, knowing that i need not have a great big reason to let go of something that is giving me unseen burden. letting go, does not directly mean giving up. it is merely a unloading built up pressure that is dragging me from better times.

i spent a good portion of my break from work recently on drama series and apart from the entertainment, i sometimes grit my teeth imagining at myself facing similar situations one moment in time like in those scenes. normally in separate scenes and often several different characters and stories, looking at things from a third person's view is almost gratifying, knowing certain doubts in this mind for much less time i spend thinking to myself.

it is one of those things that people say, you cannot move on until you let go of the past. letting go is the easy part, it is the moving on that is painful. so sometimes we fight it, trying to keep things the same. as for me, i replay a lot of the good or sometimes even bad scenes in my head over and over. things cannot stay the same, though. at some point you just have to move on, because no matter how painful it is - it is the only way we grow.

these feelings, sometimes.

i dont have a favorite day. i have a favorite feeling. it is a quiet day, with cool breeze and bare feet. it is when i can walk straight outside without pausing to check whether i have money in my pocket. it is curtains dancing around in my cosy room because of the freshly cut grass scented air pushing against its fabric. the sound of waves at the beach, long strolls with the beach hair effect. mmm...

windows down under pockets of shade during road trips, and occasionally the drops of rain against the window along the way.

there is no favorite season or time of day, whatsoever. i have a favorite feeling, sometimes.

good riddance

sometimes you have to get rid of all the bullshit in your life and just focus on the things that make you a better person instead. but what normally happens in a day when you have nothing particular in mind? for me, wanting errands i run to go smoothly and possibly with something better to come up in mind. i would not want to spend time dwelling in negativity but it is inevitable when these tend to turn up in between good times and as much as i do not want them to - they ruin some of better parts of the day. 

for me, i tend to lose focus when sudden change of plan or situation also affect my mood and demeanor. i just want to tell you, that at some point it does not matter who was right and who was wrong at some point, being angry is just like another bad habit, like smoking, and you keep poisoning yourself without even thinking about it.

yes, sometimes life is about risking everything for a dream noone could see but you. but because you are the only one seeing the ideal side of things, everything seems to conspire against you. and that, that is the hard part. not the getting the dream realized that is hard.

an honest realization

the sun will rise and set, and time will pass and never come back. faces will change and outgrow age, as people mature or deteriorate slowly. 

in recent years, i have lost more loved ones than i can learn to accept. all my life i have been living a happy childhood, teenage dreams and come adulthood - i thought i have had happy times most of my life surrounded by healthy and happy people. death does not come knocking, i figured. they shock the hell out of life and trust me, the deceased might be better off than the still living left behind.

maybe all these while i have been oblivious to the fact that people suffers every single day around me and i happen to be in that suffering ring. i might not have done much but i have been very careful to not be mean to anybody i encounter unless they are bullies or are bad people. who am i to judge, really, but i do appreciate people who could stand up to injustice. but that is beside the main point. oops.

what im trying to say here is that it is a totally different feeling and situation when the unwell or dying person/s are actually related to you or is especially close to you. whatever that is killing them is also indirectly killing you emotionally and physically. seeing them frail and in pitiful state, you might as well bid them goodbye as saying it is going to be alright sounds more like a lie to yourself than to them. i do believe in miracle and i do believe that positivity and emotional support gives strength in whatever ordeal, but somehow seeing your loved ones suffer so much in order to stay for a couple more years is torturing to them as it does to you. just my two cents.

do rest in peace, papa. if im given a chance to wish for something i would definitely still wish you back, but i understand now that you are in a better place. just the thought of your demise as being quick and almost painless, i am glad. i am glad, not because you left us without a proper goodbye. i am glad, because you went without losing weight, or missing limbs/organs. you went, because God loves you more than i do. finally your demise gives the sentence a meaning i never could have understand before.

re-cap

so right now am on a long break, literally, trying to figure out all the time i have having quit my day-job and looking at the world from my bed at twelve o'clock at noon time. opening up old emails, blogs and other social media tool that i havent been paying much attention to when i am working and on the move, i found so much to read and to catch up on that is actually beautiful - more beautiful than the news that we all currently have on our screens and reality.

there is so much disappointment and sadness in life nowadays, but i find my fair share of happiness and encouragement in a man that pulls everything back together when i feel like my world is falling apart. he does not have a doctorate degree, but he feeds me with so much wisdom that i took so much less time banging walls to figure them out myself. now to set things straight, he could be more than i bargained for but i am going to stay and see if this ride would take me further than i have in mind.

until i get a clear picture on how to summarize the past year in my posts, i shall go to bed every night with a dream and then wake up with purpose.

yes, shall do that.

brief reflection

all that we see or seen, is but a dream within a dream. // edgar allen poe

i do not know how i should start describing my year 2013. you could safely say that i am extremely lucky to get by with all the physical&emotional pressure that heck, even i myself would not believe if i ever tell the story.

sometimes, in conversations i have with myself i would say, "why bother to watch drama, when my life itself is a great big motion picture with life coverage?" and honestly, what could be better to be the director, producer, and actress in one that goes on and on and on...(though not everything is able to be edited at all, so the director/producer position is not at all relevant in this case)

what hurts most does not come from ill meaning comments from others, but non-supportive loved ones. what matters most, is for loved ones to not pass unreasonable judgments without even learning about the truth. if others cut, loved ones' ignorance bluntly kills.

what i learnt during my lowest moments, i bring on my way up - especially people who were there. thank you. you all know who you are, people who will always have a special place in my heart&life.

post-hiatus talk

to decide if he is worth it -- is like poking needle on free air. aimless, but not totally clueless. what decides a person's worth? what concludes a reason, whatever it may be? what makes one totally disposable, after all it took to get into the relationship?

all relationships require work, but not all relationships deserve it. we should ask ourselves are we naturally drifting apart?

reason being, simple, sometimes some relationships reach a natural end.

we should ask ourselves if we are sure at all that it is worth the fight because sometimes panic can drive us into saving a relationship even when we are not really into it anymore.

we can find great relationships with people we ordinarily never would have considered. they just might be someone worth having in your life. worth having does not determine the duration of the relationship, but it might as well be a proper justification that one could go far - as to have its worth.

so, sometimes being against our better judgment good things could appear. 

i try not to put arbitrary limits on myself&partner based on what other people suggest. if i am dating, i just date. whatever that goes wrong, or right, i rely on my own instincts to let the relationship take its natural course. i think dating should proceed naturally; we should never have put an expiration date on it. there are no actual standard timeline for a relationship to work out. every relationship is unique to its respective lovers. take Rose&Jack from the well-known Titanic. the timeline for their relationship from meeting till death do them part, is less than a week all in all! talk about now&forever...


yes, i have split from my supposedly forever-love for almost a year now. he is happily (i assume) married with a beautiful girl now. i wish him well.

...and my next forever-love, just happened. let's choose joy, today, and now. just live.

a story

...when i was a little girl i used to read fairy tales. in fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he is everything you ever wanted. in fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. the bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. you realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he is not easy to spot; he is really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.

now, are you still dreaming?

i know i do.

white paper quotes

quote;

she was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. she was beautiful, for the way she thought. she was beautiful, for that sparkle in the eyes when she talked about something she loved. she was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even when she was sad. no, she was not beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. she was beautiful, deep down to her soul.

it is always easy to look at people ad make quick judgements about them, their present and their past. but you would be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. what a person shows to the world is a only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. and more often than not, it is lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul. never judge, learn to respect and acknowledge the feelings of another.

i am not a saint myself. am still learning to be better in every way, every day. i hope one day that i could be objective in most things that i face and learn to accept the fact that everything happens with a reason that could be explained. people have crossed me in ways that hurts my feelings and i could not have penned them down in words. i hope that i could do well in ways that would not hurt others like they have hurt me unnoticed.

with a little more care and sensitivity, this world could be so much better for everybody.

emotional strain

i think it is safe to say that most people would have felt suffocated and overwhelmed when good things (or bad things) come in heaps when you least expect them to.  it is at those times when you almost lose faith in thinking that good things will still happen in your life, that these blessings come pouring in. verbal support, physical strength and stability you can count on, sights&sounds of happiness, these and more - comes knocking at your door just begging for you to open up your heart to just welcome them into your life, however miserable you may be at that point of time.

 

i do, and still am filled with anxiety over things i couldnt control. things of my own doings, as well as things i never would have seen coming - maybe from a year ago. i wouldnt say it is all good or bad, at all, but i am still flabbergasted at all the angst im experiencing over the past hour and a half looking at this blank page not knowing what to write or fill in first!

 

it is nerve-wrecking, to have an overflowing of ideas and thoughts but an inability to express it as best i could. not like this. not when everything feels so jumbled up in knots that nobody have ever discovered and put a name to. not when i am scared to face it just yet.

 

this is, overwhelming. it is.

 

i do have panic attacks that affect me quite badly at very odd times, i just dont deal with it like a medical condition that i should. i guess that somehow helped me face most of my doubts i wouldnt say anybody from a medical background would have approved of. i avoid them...for as long as i could. i just try shutting that part that brings panic, up to a point when the problem fills up the entire mind like a merry-go-round that just doesnt stop rotating and playing that awfully enchanting melody. (enchanting melodies can be scary, yes?)

 

until all these that bugs me get sorted out nicely and i can tuck myself to peaceful slumbers, this blog wont be an outlet to another trivial and/or meaningless post - i promise.

to expedite control

...am back to work, on a very sunny September week. September is here(for the past three days, oops!) and here we go counting down to another brand new month. time and time again we remind ourselves to step out of the box and do something about ourselves/our lives/our family/our friends/our community. what do you actually write in your diaries or daily journals? is it only on your diet plans, or your whole outlook towards the past, present or the future?

 

lately, i have been digging through old journals and scribbles from old notebooks in an effort to rediscover myself. what i envisioned myself to be from the eye of my 15-year-old self, what was most important to be, growing up(in my own words) and what exactly are my priorities now. i browse through relevant&unrelevant sources from the internet, have random inquisitive conversations with people from many walks of life, i talk to myself...literally. no, im not going bonkers, but yes, i talk to myself - or to my dogs. i know that i have come to a lot of significant realizations from those silly banters. what you actually tell yourself without being overly conscious of your surroundings or to be overly sensitive of another being's feelings is a revelation of some sort in itself. you tell yourself what you really want to, from the heart to the heart. simple. then think. not think of what you wanted to say before saying it to yourself, then what is the difference from holding a normal daily conversation with people? just listen to yourself, always give some time to yourself above the rest. you will feel better.

 

note: dont have to really talk to yourself, though.

 

i wont say that i failed myself in any ways or that i have succeeded much. what i know for sure is that i improved myself and learnt things that i ought to learn in my process of living this life. i have got my fair shares of tangible and magical moments. to say the least, as normal as my life would seem i think it is only wise to say that i lived it the way many couldnt have been able to, at my age.

 

curiosity often brings many surprises. i think that without the urge to want to experience something new, something that you dream about, there seem to have no push for you to reach for that particular matter.

 

 

 Sears Tower Glass Balcony, credits to Jared Newman (via DesignCrave.com)

 

im ending this post with this amazing photo of a glass balcony. the whole dreamy setting even in broad daylight makes me slightly more enthusiastic for possibilities that even more awesome things will be done.

 

 

cheers! xo

rules of an analogue Sunday

sundays actually IS the fine line between weekend and the start of a weekday. it changes mood. it changes the clarity of thoughts some people had during the relaxing weekend to being emotionally disturbed and being worried about work/people/life. sunday makes you think that time passes by just to fast, and lets you ponder about lost time and how to cherish moments. sunday - is all that and more.

my sunday is a day i decide to not do anything significant at all. i dont plan to do anything. i dont want to plan anything, on a sunday. it is totally different with things coming up randomly and we ended up doing it or doing something just because we want/need to do it at that point of time. so, sunday is my unofficial-do-nothing-day. 

i wake up late. i deal with whatever personal business i have in the washroom and all that. i look into the mirror at my own face for the longest time that i want to without having to rush for work or whatever planned event like a weekday. i stare at the bright blue sky and pick up a book or the phone or the hairdryer or opens the closet for outfit of the day. i can open the window and the doors and go around the house compound i have grown so accustomed to all my life, that i can walk with my eyes closed without tripping over anything. i just do whatever that comes up to mind. it is that kind of day. it should be that kind of day. a day for yourself, for your family, whatever you make out of it.

sunday, the day before work or school or all the formality the week could be for you&me.

sunday.

so, this is my life. and i am telling you that im both happy and sad and im trying to figure out how that could be. one question that i have been pondering for a bit more than the rest is, will this habit last for a few more weeks or will it ever end? i am still wondering, as of now.

...and then i will get bored and get trapped because that is what happens to me.

hmm...

how do you spend a sunday?

some kind of beautiful

regardless of what state of mind we are in, we have our very own definition of beauty. what might appeal to you does not necessarily appeal to me in the same way. maybe a little, but at a different perspective. maybe that difference applies value to everything we do or say or think. architecture would have been very significantly different to a carpenter from a small village than to an experienced architect from the big city. both have their core principles that works in their own ways. there is no denying that we live&prosper in the most opposite of extremes, but swap it the other way around it could be the end for both parties. just saying.

 

food for thought;

every project is unique: a site and a circumstance, a culture, a climate, a program. all of these forces are unique and you need a concept to hold the manifold pieces together, an idea that makes the project significant in its place and for its purpose. that is always the way i begin projects. // steven holl's answer when questioned about his sources of inspiration.

 

now, look at these;

 

Courtesy pf Estée Lauder Companies Inc. (via archdaily.com)

Donna Karan's Woman Perfume Bottle by Zaha Hadid

 

 

 

 

 

Villa Extramuros by Vora Arquitectura

pictures credit to Adrià Goula (via archdaily.com)

 

beauty of the week, from me, to sign off. have a great weekend! xo